All the scary people I came into contact with on the trip. I was gonna block it from my memory but don’t want it to bubble up in a nightmare.
If I should eat the whole cherry pie, how to wake up, if I listen to hypnosis for fatigue I may not dream anymore or remember them. It's not as bad as it was a few months ago but it's still impacting my productivity, I can't stop myself from falling asleep and slept through the alarm this morning.
2022-10-21 at 6:33 PM UTC
in
Maybe I'm anorexic
Eating disorders can also be people who eat too much or have bulimia but here to be anorexic you have to be below your healthy BMI weight AND seeking to lose more weight, so sometimes I don’t meet the criteria for anorexia, one pound on the scales makes all the difference. My ex gf would fluctuate like she could get chubby or thin real fast, her being fat doesn’t mean she didn’t have an anorexic in her.
It feels weird because I don’t often feel fear. When abseiling I volunteered to go first off the cliff.
It didn’t feel like a fear of drowning or the dark, just being at the bottom of the ocean. Now that I think about it though when I did kayaking I freaked out because I could see the bottom of the lake and didn’t want to go in the water.
At the maritime museum there was this room to make you think you were at the bottom of the ocean, I felt instant fear and dizzy down there and am not sure why, if it was because I came from the ocean or something more current.
When I say intense I mean he actually made me high, I had no appetite for five days and it was like I was in a blissful trance the whole time, no drugs involved. That only happens when you trust someone.
I think it just got too intense two people with no empathy jumping into bdsm and it felt like we really connected for the first time, then came stuff like love confessions but I think he was just following aftercare rules or thought it was what I wanted. I said we’d give affection a trial. I’m thinking about all this stuff now to see if there’s a way to fix it but there probably isn’t if he can’t share how he’s feeling/show vulnerability. When we do make up he says I didn’t do anything wrong and that nothing’s wrong so it will happen again.
I don’t feel bothered that he suddenly unfriended me because it feels appropriate, could never see us having some dramatic ending, just a psycho one where you easily discard someone you’ve been close to for four years.
What’s bugging me is when we were in a relationship I didn’t know what he really wanted because he wanted to be what I wanted.
You know the way you’re meant to get married three years after being in a relationship with someone? It kind of feels like that, that serious.
Ig I feel like idk if it was actually a relationship. We were just friends for three years but he was the only person I really talked to and I spammed him every day and he didn’t ignore it. I don’t know how he was feeling either. Was it a relationship?
Idk how I feel about Mik. He was always reluctant to open up, it was four years and I thought he was an apathetic psycho. It was only in January I realised he needed me, I still don’t know why, if it was because he was empty inside and my spam helped. It only became on/off this year, I think he can’t cope with me not needing just him anymore, that I can go months without him. I didn’t want an exclusive relationship and I get why he had to end things, I acted like he had no feelings because he never shared them but he obviously wasn’t okay with something like me commenting I didn’t have anyone when he’d always say he was there. So idk how he feels.
I deleted discord to forget mik and just found a friend was trying to get in touch last week then again on Monday and now they’re quiet and idk if they killed themselves. Ik thinking the worst but it’d be so fucked up.
