User Controls
The Retarded Thread: Get Rekt, Faggot!
-
2017-11-21 at 7:20 AM UTCthese syllables will repeat in your mind and kill you
oj jii jimujkul lkolnooul flompool aujust justul flool -
2017-11-21 at 7:21 AM UTCfloominex ploomig storiq frontulon abo jujuuiluj suj jaj mmouuuul
-
2017-11-21 at 7:25 AM UTCdont look at them you'll become cursed
-
2017-11-21 at 8:19 AM UTCAnybody else just scroll past this user "jimmy"? What a boring poster
-
2017-11-21 at 8:19 AM UTC
-
2017-11-21 at 9:42 AM UTC
-
2017-11-21 at 9:45 AM UTCThe following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
-
2017-11-21 at 10:04 AM UTC
She's my light, my muse, my flame. -
2017-11-21 at 11 AM UTC
Originally posted by NARCassist i'm ok, getting by. could be better tho, but hey, what can you do? lol
.
Well, that's good. Hopefully things will turn up. Was it you who had the girlfriend who was going to rehab/heroin addict/prostitute who went MIA? Did you ever find out what happened to her? I'm sure her dipping out like that, assume she doesn't have a [i[very good excuse (coma in the hospital level excuse), dissolved any relationship/friendship y'all had, but hopefully she's okay and not dead or fucked up in someway, it'd be sad otherwise, and while it did seem like and yo suggested that she's probably just back on heroin and working again, maybe too ashamed to tell you/deal with that?, there is the chance something really bad happened, especially if she did go back into that. I'm sure that was a definite stress on you either way, if you did care about her, so I'm genuinely sorry, and hope things get better, and in either case, hoping she's alright, it would be really tragic if not.
Originally posted by 霍比特人说中文不好 https://niggasin.space/thread/12585?p=150#post-246318
§m£ÂgØL, do you realize that a lot of things on here too were prompted by provocation off the forum? I don't want to argue and fight about this shit. Id like to post here, and at least maintain some level of civility with you and everyone else.
How long had I gone without so much as a message, or any other forum of contact besides possibly casual encounters in discussion on the forum? Quite a while. Ihadn't spoken to you in sometime, and I believe if my memory serves me, you hadn't been posting much anyway months and months ago. When I had gotten into a relationship with PoC, I'd made a general post directed at you, was polite, civil, and even displaying thanks, and good will toward you, and also mention that I did not wish any contact with you- but if you had to, to just do it privately. It could have been left at that. It could have been dropped, we go our own way, and just had civil discussion, leaving the past in the past. You decided to contact me. I did not want contact with you whatsoever, but obliged you stupidly. You'd told me things that I personally feel are very negative traits to your character to which I think make you a bad person, to which I had been blind to, and over looked prior to this. In my responses to you, and this revelation, I was polite, yet honest in my observation, and said I just didn't want any sort of contact with you in the future, and for you to leave me alone. For some reason you became erratic, protesting in some spastic way to somehow prove you weren't the person I see you for, requested me to skype (which at the best of times was a issue for you, despite you suggesting it in the first place), and the following day while I was out with a friend, I got skype calls back to back to back, and my only reply to any of this was "leave me alone", and after the harassing calls, which frustrated, and stressed me out, causing me anxiety, I did make a thread. I was angry at you harassing me, I was pset at you for not dropping it, and moving on. Despite my conviction in your poor character, I didn't make any sort of threat to you, I just wanted this dumb shit to stop- I agree making that thread was in poor taste, and not the best thing I could have done, but I didn't just make it randomly, out of the blue for no reason. I wanted the shit to stop, and for us to move on, and hopefully, likely on here, just be civil to one another.
Whatever you think I did to you, and what I have done to you: it's in the past, and I, you, nor anyone can change that. The future is the only thing any of us can change. There are things I believe you misrepresented, issues where events took place, and while I had done things that were not right, they surely were more understandable when presented in context to the situation, and whether you agree with me or not, I have always took responsibility for my wrong doings, many times been made out to be worse than I am for not wanting to further argue or insight anymore negativity or psychological stress regarding those situations by not correcting the circumstances of events I know happened (and later on I tried to, after you'd beat a dead horse for far too long, attempts to reconcile our differences, and be civil to one another, even with you seemingly being good with that for brief periods, then randomly becoming aggressive again, I wanted to correct the misrepresentations you'd made, since trying to just take responsibility and ignore the false or misrepresented piece), I have always apologized, tried to make amends, and tried to move on to be a better person. Even at the height of being pissed off at you, I have always been honest and true to what I do believe regarding the good qualities you do possess, such as your writing, and when mentioned about your physical appearance, I've always expressed you to be a decent looking man. Certain things I've said regarding your appearance were taken negatively for some reason (I believe you have a somewhat middle eastern appearance and could pass for such by some- it's an opinion, and well, you have Spanish linage, historically Muslims did conquer parts of Spain and did, for a long time have quite an influence in that region, to which I believe you express some physical traits of. It's not an insult), and I have absolutely no idea why other than you have a very negative opinion, and dislike of middle eastern people possibly. Even the joke I made was more about the TSA, and their issues with Muslims, and those of color, than it being anything to do with you on a personal level, other than I believe you could pass for being middle eastern, and regardless of you agreeing on that or not, you do have dark skin and definitely are not white/Caucasian. I'm also not a person who'd stoop to such a low level to insult someone regarding their physical appearance, especially knowing they have body image issues. Its a cheap shot, and it serves no purpose, other than to demonstrate how petty the person making those assertions is, especially when they would have defended and found that person attractive physically, at least at one time. I got very upset at the comment aimed to hurts someone I loved and cared about at the time (someone who'd just recently tried to take their life, and whom I was greatly concerned about their mental health- somehow still, I'm believed to have had ulterior motives), who I felt and by his own admission was struggling with issues regarding what you posted, and yes, I was very upset and angry regarding that initially, and responded impulsively, while upset, to which later I accepted your apology regarding and attempted to move forward from. While trying to figure out the situation where I was being framed, and you were being sent threats, when we'd been just casually talking and joking (not just before about our mutual trans friend, that turned into you joking about being black trapped in a Hispanics body, wanting to be called something I forget, all started because I call our friend what she prefers, and her chosen pronouns. I'd explained, when you'd asked why I did it, saying I did it out of respect, and care for that person, not because I'm an SJW fag and feel I, or even you, have to. then later on we'd got to talking about something that brought me to mention you having middle eastern appearance, to which I did not understand it ws bothering you or i anyway hurtful, I was under the impression we were both making friendly lighthearted banter back and forth. When I thought it might have been bothering you, I tried, while still maintaining humor, explained I didn't think there was anything wrong with middle easterns appearance, and even did find them attractive, such ass you, and mentioned that thre was a time I was very much sexually attracted to you, and for fuck's sake, we'd had sex and a relationship for a period of time, even after we'd had a period of what you called "pretend" when your GF left you in a rather bad way. I wasn't saying it in the way I wanted any of that, just that yes, I did find you physically attractive, and being we'd had sex before, that should pretty much prove that. Tht had to turn into an insult on the type of work I have had to do to survive, saying whom I chose to have sex with doesn't have any meaning, which is not true. I slept with some men for money, yes, but it's not something I want. There's a difference between making money, and who I choose to sleep with for my own gratification. That was very insulting, and above all, hurtful, and uncalled for. I am honest about what I do, and who I am, and often I find myself being misunderstood, and things being taken out of context, but from someone who I thought we were being friendly, funny, and joking, it really really hurt. Even then I tried to explain. You brought up I was calling you "racial slurs". Never once did you say "hey, I'm not joking, this bothers me and hurts" or something to the effect, which I did, when you'd said that, when I'd only said it in a dumb way to say "dude, this is not me making fun of your appearance, this is just my opinion, I think you look like these kinds of people. I have nothing against how you look." All I got was an excuse that since I have publicly mentioned prostituting, it doesn't matter, and is true. you have no empathy, §m£ÂgØL. If you do, then none for me, over some shit that happened forever ago, which I've tried to move past, apologize and take responsibility for. I've tried to make amends as best as one can.
You seem to go back and forth, §m£ÂgØL. Sometimes you want civility and peace, and seemingly wish to move forward, and other times you seem to get triggered by the smallest thing, or just want to stir shit, stew in your anger over the past, and attempt to inflict damage, sometime direct, and sometimes passive aggressively, in very hurtful ways, just further dragging the past into the present. As of late it's been the latter, in you just wanting strife. Almost all the interactions I've had with you have been negative, hurtful, belittling, demeaning, spiteful, attempts to shame me and full of hatred and anger. I don't care if you want to carry around hate and anger for me, or anyone else for that matter, that's your right and choice to to do, and see anyone as you would like to see them, but do you really enjoy every interaction on the forum just about being this negative, shitty thing, every fucking time? I know we can never be friends again, and honestly, that's a shame, but that's fine by me. Despite your negative qualities, you do have some good qualities and were a fun person to chat with casually, and I know too, you felt the same regarding me, else you would have never have had this much contact, and conversation with me over the past couple years, which you can lie to others, but you know in your heart, our friendship was not some horrible thing in it's entirety. Most of the bad things about it, were the continued attempts to use at every disagreement, or turn, the past, or something about me to beat me down emotionally, for things not even related in many cases. I would understand this more if I wasn't apologetic, show genuine remorse, and attempts, albeit, I know it's not much I can do or anyone could do in such a situation, to make amends for what wrong was done by me. It was a rare thing indeed, when you'd admit, and accept any wrong doing on your part, to which many things, some severe things you did to me both physically and psychologically, and many times you denied, denied, denied, and if you did acknowledge them, it was shot down with "it was nowhere as near as bad as what you did", despite not even being related(being grabbed and pulled by you while I walked away, telling you I didn't want to talk, to leave me alone, when I was attempting to escape the hell of a life I was in, which did hurt my back which I have preexisting issue with and was 6-7months pregnant during, as an example, being you denying you hurt me, and pulled me as hard, and forceful as you did.) In no way have I or would I ever try to justify my wrong doings because of some other wrong that had happened by someone else. I accept what I did was still wrong. Sometimes, there have been circumstances that were directly related to the wrong I did. I still accept what I did as being wrong, regardless, and take responsibility, but in order to talk about a specific circumstance as that, both wrongs must be addressed, and is only fair to do so, but this was always a trigger for you. If I said you did X, Y, or Z, and I explained that's why I reacted in such a way, or did what I did, it's not me trying to shirk responsibility, it's trying to explain the situation as I saw and experienced it, and only ever did these discussions occur because you brought the subject up, and would get upset if I tried to disengage and leave the conversation (mainly, because it always turned into a tirade just beating me down. You often would go into it clear headed, and trying to talk about it in a healthy way, but then would always turn into you getting angry, upset, and I imagine, it hurt, to which I tried and was for a very long time sympathetic to this, and taking the abuse.)
§m£ÂgØL, the fact of the matter is, we both did wrong things to one another. We both caused pain and trauma to each other at different times. We both caused psychological distress. I am still remorseful for my wrongful actions, I still bear guilt, and greatly desire, and focus on being a better person. While they cannot be changed, I try to learn from these mistakes, and try and turn a negative thing I cannot change, into something I can grow and positively effect me int he future. I don't know what else you would want me to do. I don't know any other thing that would appease you. Thing is though, I am done trying to appease you. I really don't give a fuck about you, other than you're a human being, and yes, there were times you were a decent person. I wish you the best, I still think you're a great writer, and hope you pursue that career, or at least continue with it and keep writing, since you are talented there. I don't wish you any ill will, and I never have. If I was angry and hurt by you, I might of said shit, but not too long after, apologized for my wrong.
I've learned one thing, one thing it might take you a while to learn: Holding onto anger and hate serves no one. It's a waste of emotion, and breeds a toxicity in your own self. It steals happiness, joy, and pleasure, and often can consume, if you let it. It's a rot on the soul. We're all human, and prone to having these emotions arise, but the problem really is the clinging to these things. I have gotten angry, and felt emotions of hate rise in me, but the best thing I ever did was learn to just let those things go in me. It's a freeing feeling really. Hopefully one day you'll understand, and be able to move past. Life is hard, we all experience some level of trauma unfortunately, but binding ourselves to it does nothing but to give it more power in our lives. You can let go of things like hate, and anger, without forgetting what happened. (like the old saying "Forgive, but don't forget", which IMO is a good thing to live by.)
Originally posted by WhiskeyPhoenix If you didn't care you wouldn't bother coming back here to mention it and encourage it. Not like it's the first time you've openly encouraged me to kill myself anyways so it's not like it phases me anymore, it's more pathetic than anything. Move on with your fucking life.
Come back? Dude, you stopped posting for well over a year, longer I think, honestly, and for the most part, give a bit here and there of short breaks, I've been regularly posting since we all migrated here. I've never nuked my account either, nor bitched so much about how I hate this place either. I'm not coming back in regards to you, I just like to read the forum and contribute from time to time. Curiosity got the better of me, and figured why the fuck not ask? since it was always a theme with you, not wanting to be well, not wanting to live. Yeah, you say I openly encouraged you to kill yourself after your fucked attempt to fuck my life more than it is because I wouldn't talk to you right when you wanted to talk because I had been having seizures that morning, and right after I stopped talking with you, to which I did apologize and take back- I said it when I was very hurt, and very upset from your betrayal, and attack on me for something so dumb, something insignificant, while you've told me to kill myself numerous times, threatened me bodily harm, along with truly making a stab to hurt me, over what?. I genuinely don't care either way if you kill yourself though. Do if you want to, don't if you don't- simple as that. Just curious if you're still in the latter category. The only thing that's really changed for me is I don't care what happens to you- there was a point where I hoped you'd do well and get better, but the last time I said as much, I was told you'd be "gone by the end of the week". Guess that didn't work out.
I just think it's funny as shit how much you hate me, and have come to demonize me, I just wish I knew, over what? lol what "ulterior motive" did I have? it fucking baffles me. Not wanting to be with me is one thing (which lol, you thought I left you is why you went on your shit show rampage in the first place so I guess, at least at the time, it wasn't that.), but attacking, and being vindictive is a whole other thing, especially unprovoked. Maybe you were just jealous I had real genuine friends whom I talked to, and who were there for me more than you ever were, I don't know. You think I used you? That'd be laughable. I really am glad you showed your ass, though. It really did turn out for the better, in my case anyway. -
2017-11-21 at 12:38 PM UTC
-
2017-11-21 at 1:20 PM UTC
Originally posted by Scron the Kat Well she's outdone my meth fueled rants which I would consider pretty amazing and I don't even think she's on any stimulants.
Everyone knows hydro likes T-pain anyways.
https://niggasin.space/thread/8734
Opioids can make one long-winded as well for some reason. -
2017-11-21 at 1:54 PM UTC
-
2017-11-21 at 1:56 PM UTC
Originally posted by hydromorphone Well, that's good. Hopefully things will turn up. Was it you who had the girlfriend who was going to rehab/heroin addict/prostitute who went MIA? Did you ever find out what happened to her? I'm sure her dipping out like that, assume she doesn't have a [i[very good excuse (coma in the hospital level excuse), dissolved any relationship/friendship y'all had, but hopefully she's okay and not dead or fucked up in someway, it'd be sad otherwise, and while it did seem like and yo suggested that she's probably just back on heroin and working again, maybe too ashamed to tell you/deal with that?, there is the chance something really bad happened, especially if she did go back into that. I'm sure that was a definite stress on you either way, if you did care about her, so I'm genuinely sorry, and hope things get better, and in either case, hoping she's alright, it would be really tragic if not.
§m£ÂgØL, do you realize that a lot of things on here too were prompted by provocation off the forum? I don't want to argue and fight about this shit. Id like to post here, and at least maintain some level of civility with you and everyone else.
How long had I gone without so much as a message, or any other forum of contact besides possibly casual encounters in discussion on the forum? Quite a while. Ihadn't spoken to you in sometime, and I believe if my memory serves me, you hadn't been posting much anyway months and months ago. When I had gotten into a relationship with PoC, I'd made a general post directed at you, was polite, civil, and even displaying thanks, and good will toward you, and also mention that I did not wish any contact with you- but if you had to, to just do it privately. It could have been left at that. It could have been dropped, we go our own way, and just had civil discussion, leaving the past in the past. You decided to contact me. I did not want contact with you whatsoever, but obliged you stupidly. You'd told me things that I personally feel are very negative traits to your character to which I think make you a bad person, to which I had been blind to, and over looked prior to this. In my responses to you, and this revelation, I was polite, yet honest in my observation, and said I just didn't want any sort of contact with you in the future, and for you to leave me alone. For some reason you became erratic, protesting in some spastic way to somehow prove you weren't the person I see you for, requested me to skype (which at the best of times was a issue for you, despite you suggesting it in the first place), and the following day while I was out with a friend, I got skype calls back to back to back, and my only reply to any of this was "leave me alone", and after the harassing calls, which frustrated, and stressed me out, causing me anxiety, I did make a thread. I was angry at you harassing me, I was pset at you for not dropping it, and moving on. Despite my conviction in your poor character, I didn't make any sort of threat to you, I just wanted this dumb shit to stop- I agree making that thread was in poor taste, and not the best thing I could have done, but I didn't just make it randomly, out of the blue for no reason. I wanted the shit to stop, and for us to move on, and hopefully, likely on here, just be civil to one another.
Whatever you think I did to you, and what I have done to you: it's in the past, and I, you, nor anyone can change that. The future is the only thing any of us can change. There are things I believe you misrepresented, issues where events took place, and while I had done things that were not right, they surely were more understandable when presented in context to the situation, and whether you agree with me or not, I have always took responsibility for my wrong doings, many times been made out to be worse than I am for not wanting to further argue or insight anymore negativity or psychological stress regarding those situations by not correcting the circumstances of events I know happened (and later on I tried to, after you'd beat a dead horse for far too long, attempts to reconcile our differences, and be civil to one another, even with you seemingly being good with that for brief periods, then randomly becoming aggressive again, I wanted to correct the misrepresentations you'd made, since trying to just take responsibility and ignore the false or misrepresented piece), I have always apologized, tried to make amends, and tried to move on to be a better person. Even at the height of being pissed off at you, I have always been honest and true to what I do believe regarding the good qualities you do possess, such as your writing, and when mentioned about your physical appearance, I've always expressed you to be a decent looking man. Certain things I've said regarding your appearance were taken negatively for some reason (I believe you have a somewhat middle eastern appearance and could pass for such by some- it's an opinion, and well, you have Spanish linage, historically Muslims did conquer parts of Spain and did, for a long time have quite an influence in that region, to which I believe you express some physical traits of. It's not an insult), and I have absolutely no idea why other than you have a very negative opinion, and dislike of middle eastern people possibly. Even the joke I made was more about the TSA, and their issues with Muslims, and those of color, than it being anything to do with you on a personal level, other than I believe you could pass for being middle eastern, and regardless of you agreeing on that or not, you do have dark skin and definitely are not white/Caucasian. I'm also not a person who'd stoop to such a low level to insult someone regarding their physical appearance, especially knowing they have body image issues. Its a cheap shot, and it serves no purpose, other than to demonstrate how petty the person making those assertions is, especially when they would have defended and found that person attractive physically, at least at one time. I got very upset at the comment aimed to hurts someone I loved and cared about at the time (someone who'd just recently tried to take their life, and whom I was greatly concerned about their mental health- somehow still, I'm believed to have had ulterior motives), who I felt and by his own admission was struggling with issues regarding what you posted, and yes, I was very upset and angry regarding that initially, and responded impulsively, while upset, to which later I accepted your apology regarding and attempted to move forward from. While trying to figure out the situation where I was being framed, and you were being sent threats, when we'd been just casually talking and joking (not just before about our mutual trans friend, that turned into you joking about being black trapped in a Hispanics body, wanting to be called something I forget, all started because I call our friend what she prefers, and her chosen pronouns. I'd explained, when you'd asked why I did it, saying I did it out of respect, and care for that person, not because I'm an SJW fag and feel I, or even you, have to. then later on we'd got to talking about something that brought me to mention you having middle eastern appearance, to which I did not understand it ws bothering you or i anyway hurtful, I was under the impression we were both making friendly lighthearted banter back and forth. When I thought it might have been bothering you, I tried, while still maintaining humor, explained I didn't think there was anything wrong with middle easterns appearance, and even did find them attractive, such ass you, and mentioned that thre was a time I was very much sexually attracted to you, and for fuck's sake, we'd had sex and a relationship for a period of time, even after we'd had a period of what you called "pretend" when your GF left you in a rather bad way. I wasn't saying it in the way I wanted any of that, just that yes, I did find you physically attractive, and being we'd had sex before, that should pretty much prove that. Tht had to turn into an insult on the type of work I have had to do to survive, saying whom I chose to have sex with doesn't have any meaning, which is not true. I slept with some men for money, yes, but it's not something I want. There's a difference between making money, and who I choose to sleep with for my own gratification. That was very insulting, and above all, hurtful, and uncalled for. I am honest about what I do, and who I am, and often I find myself being misunderstood, and things being taken out of context, but from someone who I thought we were being friendly, funny, and joking, it really really hurt. Even then I tried to explain. You brought up I was calling you "racial slurs". Never once did you say "hey, I'm not joking, this bothers me and hurts" or something to the effect, which I did, when you'd said that, when I'd only said it in a dumb way to say "dude, this is not me making fun of your appearance, this is just my opinion, I think you look like these kinds of people. I have nothing against how you look." All I got was an excuse that since I have publicly mentioned prostituting, it doesn't matter, and is true. you have no empathy, §m£ÂgØL. If you do, then none for me, over some shit that happened forever ago, which I've tried to move past, apologize and take responsibility for. I've tried to make amends as best as one can.
You seem to go back and forth, §m£ÂgØL. Sometimes you want civility and peace, and seemingly wish to move forward, and other times you seem to get triggered by the smallest thing, or just want to stir shit, stew in your anger over the past, and attempt to inflict damage, sometime direct, and sometimes passive aggressively, in very hurtful ways, just further dragging the past into the present. As of late it's been the latter, in you just wanting strife. Almost all the interactions I've had with you have been negative, hurtful, belittling, demeaning, spiteful, attempts to shame me and full of hatred and anger. I don't care if you want to carry around hate and anger for me, or anyone else for that matter, that's your right and choice to to do, and see anyone as you would like to see them, but do you really enjoy every interaction on the forum just about being this negative, shitty thing, every fucking time? I know we can never be friends again, and honestly, that's a shame, but that's fine by me. Despite your negative qualities, you do have some good qualities and were a fun person to chat with casually, and I know too, you felt the same regarding me, else you would have never have had this much contact, and conversation with me over the past couple years, which you can lie to others, but you know in your heart, our friendship was not some horrible thing in it's entirety. Most of the bad things about it, were the continued attempts to use at every disagreement, or turn, the past, or something about me to beat me down emotionally, for things not even related in many cases. I would understand this more if I wasn't apologetic, show genuine remorse, and attempts, albeit, I know it's not much I can do or anyone could do in such a situation, to make amends for what wrong was done by me. It was a rare thing indeed, when you'd admit, and accept any wrong doing on your part, to which many things, some severe things you did to me both physically and psychologically, and many times you denied, denied, denied, and if you did acknowledge them, it was shot down with "it was nowhere as near as bad as what you did", despite not even being related(being grabbed and pulled by you while I walked away, telling you I didn't want to talk, to leave me alone, when I was attempting to escape the hell of a life I was in, which did hurt my back which I have preexisting issue with and was 6-7months pregnant during, as an example, being you denying you hurt me, and pulled me as hard, and forceful as you did.) In no way have I or would I ever try to justify my wrong doings because of some other wrong that had happened by someone else. I accept what I did was still wrong. Sometimes, there have been circumstances that were directly related to the wrong I did. I still accept what I did as being wrong, regardless, and take responsibility, but in order to talk about a specific circumstance as that, both wrongs must be addressed, and is only fair to do so, but this was always a trigger for you. If I said you did X, Y, or Z, and I explained that's why I reacted in such a way, or did what I did, it's not me trying to shirk responsibility, it's trying to explain the situation as I saw and experienced it, and only ever did these discussions occur because you brought the subject up, and would get upset if I tried to disengage and leave the conversation (mainly, because it always turned into a tirade just beating me down. You often would go into it clear headed, and trying to talk about it in a healthy way, but then would always turn into you getting angry, upset, and I imagine, it hurt, to which I tried and was for a very long time sympathetic to this, and taking the abuse.)
§m£ÂgØL, the fact of the matter is, we both did wrong things to one another. We both caused pain and trauma to each other at different times. We both caused psychological distress. I am still remorseful for my wrongful actions, I still bear guilt, and greatly desire, and focus on being a better person. While they cannot be changed, I try to learn from these mistakes, and try and turn a negative thing I cannot change, into something I can grow and positively effect me int he future. I don't know what else you would want me to do. I don't know any other thing that would appease you. Thing is though, I am done trying to appease you. I really don't give a fuck about you, other than you're a human being, and yes, there were times you were a decent person. I wish you the best, I still think you're a great writer, and hope you pursue that career, or at least continue with it and keep writing, since you are talented there. I don't wish you any ill will, and I never have. If I was angry and hurt by you, I might of said shit, but not too long after, apologized for my wrong.
I've learned one thing, one thing it might take you a while to learn: Holding onto anger and hate serves no one. It's a waste of emotion, and breeds a toxicity in your own self. It steals happiness, joy, and pleasure, and often can consume, if you let it. It's a rot on the soul. We're all human, and prone to having these emotions arise, but the problem really is the clinging to these things. I have gotten angry, and felt emotions of hate rise in me, but the best thing I ever did was learn to just let those things go in me. It's a freeing feeling really. Hopefully one day you'll understand, and be able to move past. Life is hard, we all experience some level of trauma unfortunately, but binding ourselves to it does nothing but to give it more power in our lives. You can let go of things like hate, and anger, without forgetting what happened. (like the old saying "Forgive, but don't forget", which IMO is a good thing to live by.)
Come back? Dude, you stopped posting for well over a year, longer I think, honestly, and for the most part, give a bit here and there of short breaks, I've been regularly posting since we all migrated here. I've never nuked my account either, nor bitched so much about how I hate this place either. I'm not coming back in regards to you, I just like to read the forum and contribute from time to time. Curiosity got the better of me, and figured why the fuck not ask? since it was always a theme with you, not wanting to be well, not wanting to live. Yeah, you say I openly encouraged you to kill yourself after your fucked attempt to fuck my life more than it is because I wouldn't talk to you right when you wanted to talk because I had been having seizures that morning, and right after I stopped talking with you, to which I did apologize and take back- I said it when I was very hurt, and very upset from your betrayal, and attack on me for something so dumb, something insignificant, while you've told me to kill myself numerous times, threatened me bodily harm, along with truly making a stab to hurt me, over what?. I genuinely don't care either way if you kill yourself though. Do if you want to, don't if you don't- simple as that. Just curious if you're still in the latter category. The only thing that's really changed for me is I don't care what happens to you- there was a point where I hoped you'd do well and get better, but the last time I said as much, I was told you'd be "gone by the end of the week". Guess that didn't work out.
I just think it's funny as shit how much you hate me, and have come to demonize me, I just wish I knew, over what? lol what "ulterior motive" did I have? it fucking baffles me. Not wanting to be with me is one thing (which lol, you thought I left you is why you went on your shit show rampage in the first place so I guess, at least at the time, it wasn't that.), but attacking, and being vindictive is a whole other thing, especially unprovoked. Maybe you were just jealous I had real genuine friends whom I talked to, and who were there for me more than you ever were, I don't know. You think I used you? That'd be laughable. I really am glad you showed your ass, though. It really did turn out for the better, in my case anyway.
I really think you could have tightened this up into like 2 or 3 short paragraphs. Do you think anybody has time to read this? I skimmed it and I saw some random shit about muslims. -
2017-11-21 at 5:06 PM UTC
Originally posted by hydromorphone Well, that's good. Hopefully things will turn up. Was it you who had the girlfriend who was going to rehab/heroin addict/prostitute who went MIA? Did you ever find out what happened to her? I'm sure her dipping out like that, assume she doesn't have a [i[very good excuse (coma in the hospital level excuse), dissolved any relationship/friendship y'all had, but hopefully she's okay and not dead or fucked up in someway, it'd be sad otherwise, and while it did seem like and yo suggested that she's probably just back on heroin and working again, maybe too ashamed to tell you/deal with that?, there is the chance something really bad happened, especially if she did go back into that. I'm sure that was a definite stress on you either way, if you did care about her, so I'm genuinely sorry, and hope things get better, and in either case, hoping she's alright, it would be really tragic if not.
§m£ÂgØL, do you realize that a lot of things on here too were prompted by provocation off the forum? I don't want to argue and fight about this shit. Id like to post here, and at least maintain some level of civility with you and everyone else.
How long had I gone without so much as a message, or any other forum of contact besides possibly casual encounters in discussion on the forum? Quite a while. Ihadn't spoken to you in sometime, and I believe if my memory serves me, you hadn't been posting much anyway months and months ago. When I had gotten into a relationship with PoC, I'd made a general post directed at you, was polite, civil, and even displaying thanks, and good will toward you, and also mention that I did not wish any contact with you- but if you had to, to just do it privately. It could have been left at that. It could have been dropped, we go our own way, and just had civil discussion, leaving the past in the past. You decided to contact me. I did not want contact with you whatsoever, but obliged you stupidly. You'd told me things that I personally feel are very negative traits to your character to which I think make you a bad person, to which I had been blind to, and over looked prior to this. In my responses to you, and this revelation, I was polite, yet honest in my observation, and said I just didn't want any sort of contact with you in the future, and for you to leave me alone. For some reason you became erratic, protesting in some spastic way to somehow prove you weren't the person I see you for, requested me to skype (which at the best of times was a issue for you, despite you suggesting it in the first place), and the following day while I was out with a friend, I got skype calls back to back to back, and my only reply to any of this was "leave me alone", and after the harassing calls, which frustrated, and stressed me out, causing me anxiety, I did make a thread. I was angry at you harassing me, I was pset at you for not dropping it, and moving on. Despite my conviction in your poor character, I didn't make any sort of threat to you, I just wanted this dumb shit to stop- I agree making that thread was in poor taste, and not the best thing I could have done, but I didn't just make it randomly, out of the blue for no reason. I wanted the shit to stop, and for us to move on, and hopefully, likely on here, just be civil to one another.
Whatever you think I did to you, and what I have done to you: it's in the past, and I, you, nor anyone can change that. The future is the only thing any of us can change. There are things I believe you misrepresented, issues where events took place, and while I had done things that were not right, they surely were more understandable when presented in context to the situation, and whether you agree with me or not, I have always took responsibility for my wrong doings, many times been made out to be worse than I am for not wanting to further argue or insight anymore negativity or psychological stress regarding those situations by not correcting the circumstances of events I know happened (and later on I tried to, after you'd beat a dead horse for far too long, attempts to reconcile our differences, and be civil to one another, even with you seemingly being good with that for brief periods, then randomly becoming aggressive again, I wanted to correct the misrepresentations you'd made, since trying to just take responsibility and ignore the false or misrepresented piece), I have always apologized, tried to make amends, and tried to move on to be a better person. Even at the height of being pissed off at you, I have always been honest and true to what I do believe regarding the good qualities you do possess, such as your writing, and when mentioned about your physical appearance, I've always expressed you to be a decent looking man. Certain things I've said regarding your appearance were taken negatively for some reason (I believe you have a somewhat middle eastern appearance and could pass for such by some- it's an opinion, and well, you have Spanish linage, historically Muslims did conquer parts of Spain and did, for a long time have quite an influence in that region, to which I believe you express some physical traits of. It's not an insult), and I have absolutely no idea why other than you have a very negative opinion, and dislike of middle eastern people possibly. Even the joke I made was more about the TSA, and their issues with Muslims, and those of color, than it being anything to do with you on a personal level, other than I believe you could pass for being middle eastern, and regardless of you agreeing on that or not, you do have dark skin and definitely are not white/Caucasian. I'm also not a person who'd stoop to such a low level to insult someone regarding their physical appearance, especially knowing they have body image issues. Its a cheap shot, and it serves no purpose, other than to demonstrate how petty the person making those assertions is, especially when they would have defended and found that person attractive physically, at least at one time. I got very upset at the comment aimed to hurts someone I loved and cared about at the time (someone who'd just recently tried to take their life, and whom I was greatly concerned about their mental health- somehow still, I'm believed to have had ulterior motives), who I felt and by his own admission was struggling with issues regarding what you posted, and yes, I was very upset and angry regarding that initially, and responded impulsively, while upset, to which later I accepted your apology regarding and attempted to move forward from. While trying to figure out the situation where I was being framed, and you were being sent threats, when we'd been just casually talking and joking (not just before about our mutual trans friend, that turned into you joking about being black trapped in a Hispanics body, wanting to be called something I forget, all started because I call our friend what she prefers, and her chosen pronouns. I'd explained, when you'd asked why I did it, saying I did it out of respect, and care for that person, not because I'm an SJW fag and feel I, or even you, have to. then later on we'd got to talking about something that brought me to mention you having middle eastern appearance, to which I did not understand it ws bothering you or i anyway hurtful, I was under the impression we were both making friendly lighthearted banter back and forth. When I thought it might have been bothering you, I tried, while still maintaining humor, explained I didn't think there was anything wrong with middle easterns appearance, and even did find them attractive, such ass you, and mentioned that thre was a time I was very much sexually attracted to you, and for fuck's sake, we'd had sex and a relationship for a period of time, even after we'd had a period of what you called "pretend" when your GF left you in a rather bad way. I wasn't saying it in the way I wanted any of that, just that yes, I did find you physically attractive, and being we'd had sex before, that should pretty much prove that. Tht had to turn into an insult on the type of work I have had to do to survive, saying whom I chose to have sex with doesn't have any meaning, which is not true. I slept with some men for money, yes, but it's not something I want. There's a difference between making money, and who I choose to sleep with for my own gratification. That was very insulting, and above all, hurtful, and uncalled for. I am honest about what I do, and who I am, and often I find myself being misunderstood, and things being taken out of context, but from someone who I thought we were being friendly, funny, and joking, it really really hurt. Even then I tried to explain. You brought up I was calling you "racial slurs". Never once did you say "hey, I'm not joking, this bothers me and hurts" or something to the effect, which I did, when you'd said that, when I'd only said it in a dumb way to say "dude, this is not me making fun of your appearance, this is just my opinion, I think you look like these kinds of people. I have nothing against how you look." All I got was an excuse that since I have publicly mentioned prostituting, it doesn't matter, and is true. you have no empathy, §m£ÂgØL. If you do, then none for me, over some shit that happened forever ago, which I've tried to move past, apologize and take responsibility for. I've tried to make amends as best as one can.
You seem to go back and forth, §m£ÂgØL. Sometimes you want civility and peace, and seemingly wish to move forward, and other times you seem to get triggered by the smallest thing, or just want to stir shit, stew in your anger over the past, and attempt to inflict damage, sometime direct, and sometimes passive aggressively, in very hurtful ways, just further dragging the past into the present. As of late it's been the latter, in you just wanting strife. Almost all the interactions I've had with you have been negative, hurtful, belittling, demeaning, spiteful, attempts to shame me and full of hatred and anger. I don't care if you want to carry around hate and anger for me, or anyone else for that matter, that's your right and choice to to do, and see anyone as you would like to see them, but do you really enjoy every interaction on the forum just about being this negative, shitty thing, every fucking time? I know we can never be friends again, and honestly, that's a shame, but that's fine by me. Despite your negative qualities, you do have some good qualities and were a fun person to chat with casually, and I know too, you felt the same regarding me, else you would have never have had this much contact, and conversation with me over the past couple years, which you can lie to others, but you know in your heart, our friendship was not some horrible thing in it's entirety. Most of the bad things about it, were the continued attempts to use at every disagreement, or turn, the past, or something about me to beat me down emotionally, for things not even related in many cases. I would understand this more if I wasn't apologetic, show genuine remorse, and attempts, albeit, I know it's not much I can do or anyone could do in such a situation, to make amends for what wrong was done by me. It was a rare thing indeed, when you'd admit, and accept any wrong doing on your part, to which many things, some severe things you did to me both physically and psychologically, and many times you denied, denied, denied, and if you did acknowledge them, it was shot down with "it was nowhere as near as bad as what you did", despite not even being related(being grabbed and pulled by you while I walked away, telling you I didn't want to talk, to leave me alone, when I was attempting to escape the hell of a life I was in, which did hurt my back which I have preexisting issue with and was 6-7months pregnant during, as an example, being you denying you hurt me, and pulled me as hard, and forceful as you did.) In no way have I or would I ever try to justify my wrong doings because of some other wrong that had happened by someone else. I accept what I did was still wrong. Sometimes, there have been circumstances that were directly related to the wrong I did. I still accept what I did as being wrong, regardless, and take responsibility, but in order to talk about a specific circumstance as that, both wrongs must be addressed, and is only fair to do so, but this was always a trigger for you. If I said you did X, Y, or Z, and I explained that's why I reacted in such a way, or did what I did, it's not me trying to shirk responsibility, it's trying to explain the situation as I saw and experienced it, and only ever did these discussions occur because you brought the subject up, and would get upset if I tried to disengage and leave the conversation (mainly, because it always turned into a tirade just beating me down. You often would go into it clear headed, and trying to talk about it in a healthy way, but then would always turn into you getting angry, upset, and I imagine, it hurt, to which I tried and was for a very long time sympathetic to this, and taking the abuse.)
§m£ÂgØL, the fact of the matter is, we both did wrong things to one another. We both caused pain and trauma to each other at different times. We both caused psychological distress. I am still remorseful for my wrongful actions, I still bear guilt, and greatly desire, and focus on being a better person. While they cannot be changed, I try to learn from these mistakes, and try and turn a negative thing I cannot change, into something I can grow and positively effect me int he future. I don't know what else you would want me to do. I don't know any other thing that would appease you. Thing is though, I am done trying to appease you. I really don't give a fuck about you, other than you're a human being, and yes, there were times you were a decent person. I wish you the best, I still think you're a great writer, and hope you pursue that career, or at least continue with it and keep writing, since you are talented there. I don't wish you any ill will, and I never have. If I was angry and hurt by you, I might of said shit, but not too long after, apologized for my wrong.
I've learned one thing, one thing it might take you a while to learn: Holding onto anger and hate serves no one. It's a waste of emotion, and breeds a toxicity in your own self. It steals happiness, joy, and pleasure, and often can consume, if you let it. It's a rot on the soul. We're all human, and prone to having these emotions arise, but the problem really is the clinging to these things. I have gotten angry, and felt emotions of hate rise in me, but the best thing I ever did was learn to just let those things go in me. It's a freeing feeling really. Hopefully one day you'll understand, and be able to move past. Life is hard, we all experience some level of trauma unfortunately, but binding ourselves to it does nothing but to give it more power in our lives. You can let go of things like hate, and anger, without forgetting what happened. (like the old saying "Forgive, but don't forget", which IMO is a good thing to live by.)
Come back? Dude, you stopped posting for well over a year, longer I think, honestly, and for the most part, give a bit here and there of short breaks, I've been regularly posting since we all migrated here. I've never nuked my account either, nor bitched so much about how I hate this place either. I'm not coming back in regards to you, I just like to read the forum and contribute from time to time. Curiosity got the better of me, and figured why the fuck not ask? since it was always a theme with you, not wanting to be well, not wanting to live. Yeah, you say I openly encouraged you to kill yourself after your fucked attempt to fuck my life more than it is because I wouldn't talk to you right when you wanted to talk because I had been having seizures that morning, and right after I stopped talking with you, to which I did apologize and take back- I said it when I was very hurt, and very upset from your betrayal, and attack on me for something so dumb, something insignificant, while you've told me to kill myself numerous times, threatened me bodily harm, along with truly making a stab to hurt me, over what?. I genuinely don't care either way if you kill yourself though. Do if you want to, don't if you don't- simple as that. Just curious if you're still in the latter category. The only thing that's really changed for me is I don't care what happens to you- there was a point where I hoped you'd do well and get better, but the last time I said as much, I was told you'd be "gone by the end of the week". Guess that didn't work out.
I just think it's funny as shit how much you hate me, and have come to demonize me, I just wish I knew, over what? lol what "ulterior motive" did I have? it fucking baffles me. Not wanting to be with me is one thing (which lol, you thought I left you is why you went on your shit show rampage in the first place so I guess, at least at the time, it wasn't that.), but attacking, and being vindictive is a whole other thing, especially unprovoked. Maybe you were just jealous I had real genuine friends whom I talked to, and who were there for me more than you ever were, I don't know. You think I used you? That'd be laughable. I really am glad you showed your ass, though. It really did turn out for the better, in my case anyway.
didn't read -
2017-11-21 at 5:33 PM UTCDon't worry hydro I read your post a Baker's dozen times so far and I'm just getting started. I'm actually having it printed out onto an old-timey scroll that I shall bring with me on my travels and read aloud after sounding my trumpet, morning noon and night.
-
2017-11-21 at 6:11 PM UTCi heard this is where the best bong builders are???
-
2017-11-21 at 7:06 PM UTCit just keeps going and going and going
-
2017-11-21 at 8:13 PM UTC
-
2017-11-21 at 8:16 PM UTC
Originally posted by hydromorphone Well, that's good. Hopefully things will turn up. Was it you who had the girlfriend who was going to rehab/heroin addict/prostitute who went MIA? Did you ever find out what happened to her? I'm sure her dipping out like that, assume she doesn't have a [i[very good excuse (coma in the hospital level excuse), dissolved any relationship/friendship y'all had, but hopefully she's okay and not dead or fucked up in someway, it'd be sad otherwise, and while it did seem like and yo suggested that she's probably just back on heroin and working again, maybe too ashamed to tell you/deal with that?, there is the chance something really bad happened, especially if she did go back into that. I'm sure that was a definite stress on you either way, if you did care about her, so I'm genuinely sorry, and hope things get better, and in either case, hoping she's alright, it would be really tragic if not.
§m£ÂgØL, do you realize that a lot of things on here too were prompted by provocation off the forum? I don't want to argue and fight about this shit. Id like to post here, and at least maintain some level of civility with you and everyone else.
How long had I gone without so much as a message, or any other forum of contact besides possibly casual encounters in discussion on the forum? Quite a while. Ihadn't spoken to you in sometime, and I believe if my memory serves me, you hadn't been posting much anyway months and months ago. When I had gotten into a relationship with PoC, I'd made a general post directed at you, was polite, civil, and even displaying thanks, and good will toward you, and also mention that I did not wish any contact with you- but if you had to, to just do it privately. It could have been left at that. It could have been dropped, we go our own way, and just had civil discussion, leaving the past in the past. You decided to contact me. I did not want contact with you whatsoever, but obliged you stupidly. You'd told me things that I personally feel are very negative traits to your character to which I think make you a bad person, to which I had been blind to, and over looked prior to this. In my responses to you, and this revelation, I was polite, yet honest in my observation, and said I just didn't want any sort of contact with you in the future, and for you to leave me alone. For some reason you became erratic, protesting in some spastic way to somehow prove you weren't the person I see you for, requested me to skype (which at the best of times was a issue for you, despite you suggesting it in the first place), and the following day while I was out with a friend, I got skype calls back to back to back, and my only reply to any of this was "leave me alone", and after the harassing calls, which frustrated, and stressed me out, causing me anxiety, I did make a thread. I was angry at you harassing me, I was pset at you for not dropping it, and moving on. Despite my conviction in your poor character, I didn't make any sort of threat to you, I just wanted this dumb shit to stop- I agree making that thread was in poor taste, and not the best thing I could have done, but I didn't just make it randomly, out of the blue for no reason. I wanted the shit to stop, and for us to move on, and hopefully, likely on here, just be civil to one another.
Whatever you think I did to you, and what I have done to you: it's in the past, and I, you, nor anyone can change that. The future is the only thing any of us can change. There are things I believe you misrepresented, issues where events took place, and while I had done things that were not right, they surely were more understandable when presented in context to the situation, and whether you agree with me or not, I have always took responsibility for my wrong doings, many times been made out to be worse than I am for not wanting to further argue or insight anymore negativity or psychological stress regarding those situations by not correcting the circumstances of events I know happened (and later on I tried to, after you'd beat a dead horse for far too long, attempts to reconcile our differences, and be civil to one another, even with you seemingly being good with that for brief periods, then randomly becoming aggressive again, I wanted to correct the misrepresentations you'd made, since trying to just take responsibility and ignore the false or misrepresented piece), I have always apologized, tried to make amends, and tried to move on to be a better person. Even at the height of being pissed off at you, I have always been honest and true to what I do believe regarding the good qualities you do possess, such as your writing, and when mentioned about your physical appearance, I've always expressed you to be a decent looking man. Certain things I've said regarding your appearance were taken negatively for some reason (I believe you have a somewhat middle eastern appearance and could pass for such by some- it's an opinion, and well, you have Spanish linage, historically Muslims did conquer parts of Spain and did, for a long time have quite an influence in that region, to which I believe you express some physical traits of. It's not an insult), and I have absolutely no idea why other than you have a very negative opinion, and dislike of middle eastern people possibly. Even the joke I made was more about the TSA, and their issues with Muslims, and those of color, than it being anything to do with you on a personal level, other than I believe you could pass for being middle eastern, and regardless of you agreeing on that or not, you do have dark skin and definitely are not white/Caucasian. I'm also not a person who'd stoop to such a low level to insult someone regarding their physical appearance, especially knowing they have body image issues. Its a cheap shot, and it serves no purpose, other than to demonstrate how petty the person making those assertions is, especially when they would have defended and found that person attractive physically, at least at one time. I got very upset at the comment aimed to hurts someone I loved and cared about at the time (someone who'd just recently tried to take their life, and whom I was greatly concerned about their mental health- somehow still, I'm believed to have had ulterior motives), who I felt and by his own admission was struggling with issues regarding what you posted, and yes, I was very upset and angry regarding that initially, and responded impulsively, while upset, to which later I accepted your apology regarding and attempted to move forward from. While trying to figure out the situation where I was being framed, and you were being sent threats, when we'd been just casually talking and joking (not just before about our mutual trans friend, that turned into you joking about being black trapped in a Hispanics body, wanting to be called something I forget, all started because I call our friend what she prefers, and her chosen pronouns. I'd explained, when you'd asked why I did it, saying I did it out of respect, and care for that person, not because I'm an SJW fag and feel I, or even you, have to. then later on we'd got to talking about something that brought me to mention you having middle eastern appearance, to which I did not understand it ws bothering you or i anyway hurtful, I was under the impression we were both making friendly lighthearted banter back and forth. When I thought it might have been bothering you, I tried, while still maintaining humor, explained I didn't think there was anything wrong with middle easterns appearance, and even did find them attractive, such ass you, and mentioned that thre was a time I was very much sexually attracted to you, and for fuck's sake, we'd had sex and a relationship for a period of time, even after we'd had a period of what you called "pretend" when your GF left you in a rather bad way. I wasn't saying it in the way I wanted any of that, just that yes, I did find you physically attractive, and being we'd had sex before, that should pretty much prove that. Tht had to turn into an insult on the type of work I have had to do to survive, saying whom I chose to have sex with doesn't have any meaning, which is not true. I slept with some men for money, yes, but it's not something I want. There's a difference between making money, and who I choose to sleep with for my own gratification. That was very insulting, and above all, hurtful, and uncalled for. I am honest about what I do, and who I am, and often I find myself being misunderstood, and things being taken out of context, but from someone who I thought we were being friendly, funny, and joking, it really really hurt. Even then I tried to explain. You brought up I was calling you "racial slurs". Never once did you say "hey, I'm not joking, this bothers me and hurts" or something to the effect, which I did, when you'd said that, when I'd only said it in a dumb way to say "dude, this is not me making fun of your appearance, this is just my opinion, I think you look like these kinds of people. I have nothing against how you look." All I got was an excuse that since I have publicly mentioned prostituting, it doesn't matter, and is true. you have no empathy, §m£ÂgØL. If you do, then none for me, over some shit that happened forever ago, which I've tried to move past, apologize and take responsibility for. I've tried to make amends as best as one can.
You seem to go back and forth, §m£ÂgØL. Sometimes you want civility and peace, and seemingly wish to move forward, and other times you seem to get triggered by the smallest thing, or just want to stir shit, stew in your anger over the past, and attempt to inflict damage, sometime direct, and sometimes passive aggressively, in very hurtful ways, just further dragging the past into the present. As of late it's been the latter, in you just wanting strife. Almost all the interactions I've had with you have been negative, hurtful, belittling, demeaning, spiteful, attempts to shame me and full of hatred and anger. I don't care if you want to carry around hate and anger for me, or anyone else for that matter, that's your right and choice to to do, and see anyone as you would like to see them, but do you really enjoy every interaction on the forum just about being this negative, shitty thing, every fucking time? I know we can never be friends again, and honestly, that's a shame, but that's fine by me. Despite your negative qualities, you do have some good qualities and were a fun person to chat with casually, and I know too, you felt the same regarding me, else you would have never have had this much contact, and conversation with me over the past couple years, which you can lie to others, but you know in your heart, our friendship was not some horrible thing in it's entirety. Most of the bad things about it, were the continued attempts to use at every disagreement, or turn, the past, or something about me to beat me down emotionally, for things not even related in many cases. I would understand this more if I wasn't apologetic, show genuine remorse, and attempts, albeit, I know it's not much I can do or anyone could do in such a situation, to make amends for what wrong was done by me. It was a rare thing indeed, when you'd admit, and accept any wrong doing on your part, to which many things, some severe things you did to me both physically and psychologically, and many times you denied, denied, denied, and if you did acknowledge them, it was shot down with "it was nowhere as near as bad as what you did", despite not even being related(being grabbed and pulled by you while I walked away, telling you I didn't want to talk, to leave me alone, when I was attempting to escape the hell of a life I was in, which did hurt my back which I have preexisting issue with and was 6-7months pregnant during, as an example, being you denying you hurt me, and pulled me as hard, and forceful as you did.) In no way have I or would I ever try to justify my wrong doings because of some other wrong that had happened by someone else. I accept what I did was still wrong. Sometimes, there have been circumstances that were directly related to the wrong I did. I still accept what I did as being wrong, regardless, and take responsibility, but in order to talk about a specific circumstance as that, both wrongs must be addressed, and is only fair to do so, but this was always a trigger for you. If I said you did X, Y, or Z, and I explained that's why I reacted in such a way, or did what I did, it's not me trying to shirk responsibility, it's trying to explain the situation as I saw and experienced it, and only ever did these discussions occur because you brought the subject up, and would get upset if I tried to disengage and leave the conversation (mainly, because it always turned into a tirade just beating me down. You often would go into it clear headed, and trying to talk about it in a healthy way, but then would always turn into you getting angry, upset, and I imagine, it hurt, to which I tried and was for a very long time sympathetic to this, and taking the abuse.)
§m£ÂgØL, the fact of the matter is, we both did wrong things to one another. We both caused pain and trauma to each other at different times. We both caused psychological distress. I am still remorseful for my wrongful actions, I still bear guilt, and greatly desire, and focus on being a better person. While they cannot be changed, I try to learn from these mistakes, and try and turn a negative thing I cannot change, into something I can grow and positively effect me int he future. I don't know what else you would want me to do. I don't know any other thing that would appease you. Thing is though, I am done trying to appease you. I really don't give a fuck about you, other than you're a human being, and yes, there were times you were a decent person. I wish you the best, I still think you're a great writer, and hope you pursue that career, or at least continue with it and keep writing, since you are talented there. I don't wish you any ill will, and I never have. If I was angry and hurt by you, I might of said shit, but not too long after, apologized for my wrong.
I've learned one thing, one thing it might take you a while to learn: Holding onto anger and hate serves no one. It's a waste of emotion, and breeds a toxicity in your own self. It steals happiness, joy, and pleasure, and often can consume, if you let it. It's a rot on the soul. We're all human, and prone to having these emotions arise, but the problem really is the clinging to these things. I have gotten angry, and felt emotions of hate rise in me, but the best thing I ever did was learn to just let those things go in me. It's a freeing feeling really. Hopefully one day you'll understand, and be able to move past. Life is hard, we all experience some level of trauma unfortunately, but binding ourselves to it does nothing but to give it more power in our lives. You can let go of things like hate, and anger, without forgetting what happened. (like the old saying "Forgive, but don't forget", which IMO is a good thing to live by.)
Come back? Dude, you stopped posting for well over a year, longer I think, honestly, and for the most part, give a bit here and there of short breaks, I've been regularly posting since we all migrated here. I've never nuked my account either, nor bitched so much about how I hate this place either. I'm not coming back in regards to you, I just like to read the forum and contribute from time to time. Curiosity got the better of me, and figured why the fuck not ask? since it was always a theme with you, not wanting to be well, not wanting to live. Yeah, you say I openly encouraged you to kill yourself after your fucked attempt to fuck my life more than it is because I wouldn't talk to you right when you wanted to talk because I had been having seizures that morning, and right after I stopped talking with you, to which I did apologize and take back- I said it when I was very hurt, and very upset from your betrayal, and attack on me for something so dumb, something insignificant, while you've told me to kill myself numerous times, threatened me bodily harm, along with truly making a stab to hurt me, over what?. I genuinely don't care either way if you kill yourself though. Do if you want to, don't if you don't- simple as that. Just curious if you're still in the latter category. The only thing that's really changed for me is I don't care what happens to you- there was a point where I hoped you'd do well and get better, but the last time I said as much, I was told you'd be "gone by the end of the week". Guess that didn't work out.
I just think it's funny as shit how much you hate me, and have come to demonize me, I just wish I knew, over what? lol what "ulterior motive" did I have? it fucking baffles me. Not wanting to be with me is one thing (which lol, you thought I left you is why you went on your shit show rampage in the first place so I guess, at least at the time, it wasn't that.), but attacking, and being vindictive is a whole other thing, especially unprovoked. Maybe you were just jealous I had real genuine friends whom I talked to, and who were there for me more than you ever were, I don't know. You think I used you? That'd be laughable. I really am glad you showed your ass, though. It really did turn out for the better, in my case anyway.
QFT -
2017-11-21 at 8:19 PM UTC
