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Posts That Were Thanked by OMGPLZUNBAN
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2020-04-16 at 8:35 PM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!He sounds retarded lolThe following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
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2020-04-16 at 11:33 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!So one time I decided I can't fucking deal with OMGPLZUNBAN because I have lots of stressful shit going on, and he's too stupid to not piss me off. Figured I'd take a break from the guy, but wish him the best from a distance.
Fast forward to a couple weeks ago during the height of this pandemic scare, and I hear OMG's super depressed and shit. Told some girl I've been sleeping around with the situation to get her thoughts on it, and she told me to call him and try to cheer him up because even though I'm butthurt, I obviously care about him. Solid advice, I guess, if you don't understand how absolute degenerate pieces of shit my friends are.
I call up OMG, he's shocked and overjoyed. We shoot the shit for a while while we're both shitfaced, and I let slip how much I hate my cats. I'm drunk enough to be claiming I'm probably going to murder one of them, and OMG is taken aback. He tells me he'll take one off my hands before he lets me do that. I think "hell yeah, gonna get rid of this cat that I was too pussy to ever follow through with getting rid of!" Called him back the next day, and he confirmed he was still down to take it.
Called the girl, and told her about how I need to plan a road trip to visit him now. She offers to bankroll the trip. So just like that, in the middle of a worldwide emergency, I'm roadtripping through five states to deliver a cat to some drunk and lonely asshole. The morning I'm about to start driving, OMG texts me and tells me to invite the girl, too. I figure she'll just shoot me down, because she's pretty sensitive to loud assholes and is VERY politically correct. I warn her that she'll probably get offended if she shows up. She says she's well aware of OMG's stupidity and can handle it. Neither of us took into account how OMG has changed in the post-Trump era, or we just assumed he'd put a fucking lid on it as a courtesy.
The trip took almost 20 hours of high speed driving with a cat screaming in the back of the car, and when we show up, OMG is TRASHED. Looks like he hadn't slept in days, but he's super excited to see us. He's pretty well behaved for the most part, and the instances of alarming dangerousness were attributed to him just being drunk. We hang out a few hours, then eventually me and the girl get hit with the driving fatigue. We tell OMG we're going to bed, he hooks us up with blankets, and then goes to his room. Ten fucking minutes later, he storms into the living room and just shouts something to the effect "I fucking HATE niggers!"
I don't even open my eyes and can see this shit is going downhill quick. I tell him "Go to bed, bro, you don't know what you're doing."
Then he just keeps asking us antisemetic jokes waiting for us to answer, getting frustrated that we just keep telling him to go to bed, and then giving us the punchlines. Eventually the girl yells at him to shut the fuck up and go to bed, and he gets butthurt and leaves the room. Once all was quiet, the girl says "I don't feel safe here" and I am just like fuuuuuuck.
I talk her into spending time with OMG the next day, but she can't be convinced to stay another night.
Next morning, I'm half asleep, and she rolls over to face me. I kiss her forehead, and she half asleep says "stop kissing me faggot." We both get startled awake by OMG hovering the fuck over us and laughing his ass off. We just stare at him in horror as he's killing a beer. I check the time, and we literally only slept 2 hours, and here that magnificent bastard is, wide awake, cackling at us and appearing for all intents and purposes to have been watching us sleep. The girl and I are both very alarmed, and without words, agree this is fucking sketchy.
Things happen, we buy breakfast, and the girl is brushing her teeth. OMG and I are in the living room, and he asks me if I want to stay a few more nights. I tell him "dude, we were PLANNING on that, and I'm pretty sure you fucked it all up with that racist shit last night. Maybe kiss girl's ass, and we can work on convincing her it's still cool to do that."
OMG looks at me like he understands, chugs some beer, and then yells in the direction of the bathroom "I'M SORRY YOU DON'T THINK MAKING FUN OF NIGGERS AND jediS IS FUNNY! I'D MAKE FUN OF WHITE PEOPLE, BUT THERE'S JUST NO GOOD JOKES ABOUT THEM!"
And at that moment I knew the girl and I would be leaving as soon as possible.
I've told OMG this story like 3 times already, but he keeps asking me why we didn't stay longer. Now that it's typed out, maybe he'll remember. I didn't even hit on all the horrifying shit he did, just the stuff that ensured he'd piss off the girl he invited over (and also paid for the whole trip). I love the guy, but he's a goddamn monster.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-04-16 at 2:04 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!Ok i guess short fake stories better than no stories. Creative writing time.
started buying dope when i was 18.
When i was 19 i started selling guns.
The first plug was this old mexican dude named tony in a big maroon cadillac with a gold front tooth. At one point he said he could get me some cuetes so i rolled to venice one night. He and his wife ran a fruit stand at the corner. I pulled up and got out and handed him $400, and he and his wife loaded a box of oranges into my trunk. Got home, popped open the cardboard compartment. Long story short one was a little beretta tomcat or something. Id never had to use a gun then, so i really just looked at itand saw if i5 looked okay. Apparently some custies were the same bc i started selling to these anorth Hollywood dudes from Armenian Power. One dude met me in the parking lot at Blockbuster. $450 for the beretta. Get a call a couple days later like “hey homie this shit dont work fool”. Im just like “idk it worked when i had it man”. Id already spent all the $ on H so no takesy backsies. Hes like “You gonna gimme my money fool or imma find you n we gonna have a problem”. I just texted back “Yeah man i wouldnt want to catch slugs from ur broken gun LOL” and blocked him.
Anoher dude said he wanted a lil .38 super (i dont know why....everyone always has some explicit random shit that they want that they saw in a movie.) Told him i didnt have anything like that, but i could give him a deal on what i had if he really needed a piece. He agreed. I dont know why i didnt just bring it in a shoebox or something. I wasnt very smart. But after Walking the 3 blocks away like John Wayne, i hopped into the car full of mexicans and pulled the gun from my waistband. Pull this out /
Single action 44 magnum Ruger Blackhawk. The mexicans all start cracking up. Theyre obviously stoned as shit, crying laughing. “ESTA EL WILD BILL ESE GUERO JAJAJAAAA”. or something to that effect. The buyer is asking that hes supposed to do some something the size of his forearm. I channel every movie arms dealer ive ever watched and i tell him it can punch through polar bear skull, etc etc. $700
That was pretty much it but the reaction was pretty righteous. Like a comedy shit. CHINGADA WILD BILL AY? JOO A COWBOI MY FREN?The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-04-05 at 1:51 PM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!posting in the best thread on earthThe following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
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2020-03-31 at 4:26 AM UTC in What happened to Zok?The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
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2020-03-30 at 10:58 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
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2020-03-29 at 8:31 PM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
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2020-03-29 at 8 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
Originally posted by OMGPLZUNBAN One time up here in Montana I was drinking beer with him on his birthday and he told me a story. He met some guy who offered him weed late at night outside of the library. Cam agrees and goes to his house. The gentlemen offered Cam to butt fuck him and Cam agrees. Then the guy says it's only fair that he can buttfuck Cam. The guy assures Cam that if he doesn't like it, he'll stop. It starts getting bad for Cam and he says so. The guy just keeps buttfucking this poor kid. Cam told me this story laughing. I laughed with him because I think he was trying to cope with it but I was shocked. I never pegged Cam to be into pegging. Let alone being raped by a strange man with the allure of drugs.
That is such a funny fucking homosexual rape story, it' fucking perfectThe following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-03-28 at 8:25 PM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-03-28 at 10:50 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!I bet op is a real pro at taking it up the ass! 👍The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
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2020-03-18 at 1:56 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!hey I have a story but I'm going to need some thanksThe following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
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2020-03-17 at 3:40 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!you will make history, my friend... and the guiness book of world records will recognize it!The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
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2020-03-13 at 4:27 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
Originally posted by My Wife Is Dead Dude, it was a chick's ARMPIT that I fucked. You have her lube up the pit, then she lays on her side so that she's on top of her arm. Fucking a knee or elbow just sounds tedious for both parties.
Knees have that cartilage that would probably make it uncomfortable
Elbows are often bony
Armpit is probably the best choice UNLESS she is fat. Then the fat probably makes the elbow the bestThe following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-03-13 at 4:22 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
Originally posted by OMGPLZUNBAN One time I fucked Ho-Zillas elbow. Why you ask? Because WifeDead told me he did once. So the next day at work I'm trying to brag to him and he tells me, "No dude. I fucked a knee."
That night I went home and fucked her knee.
Dude, it was a chick's ARMPIT that I fucked. You have her lube up the pit, then she lays on her side so that she's on top of her arm. Fucking a knee or elbow just sounds tedious for both parties.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-03-06 at 7:21 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!Ungrateful troglodytes. Niggas truly is gay.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
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2020-03-04 at 1:59 PM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!
Originally posted by CASPER lol jesus fuck dude thats card af. I didnt realize you banditos were so raunch.
Lol this. That is some fucking filth. That bathroom reminds me a lot of living with hydro. Im pretty sure she had the same cheap laminate tile in her bathroom, but in squares. It also had no door which was fine because it had no working lights either so nobody could see inside anyway unless you were using a candle.
One time on 650ug AL-LAD I was on the comeup and had to go to the bathroom. I didn't use a candle and the minute i walked in I stepped in dog shit, which I then spread across the bathroom floor trying to either get out or find the bathtub so i could wash it off. This made a hell of a mess that i smelled but never saw. I had to yell for help until hydro came and led me out of the bathroom and cleaned up after me. I got sprayed off with a hose in the front yard.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-02-28 at 7:37 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!I got a story. It all started at our old party house, the most famous one, the one that made or broke new comers, the one that got our apartment raided by a task force years later. So at some point we let this wannabe jarhead move in. One night he gets shit faced with us and decides to sober up by taking a cold shower fully clothed with sneakers on. When he’s finished he must have leaped from the tub because he somehow puts one foot through the inside of the toilet, knocking out a massive hole in the front of the bowl.
Bear in mind this toilet had basically never been cleaned in the year that we lived at this house, and we were throwing parties 5-6 nights a week. The black mold on every surface had long ago turned pink. Days go by and we’re partying so hard every night that random drunk people are still using the toilet. Each time they flush, the contents spill out all over the floor. There’s old dirty towels all over the ground to sop up the human waste but not much more is being done.
One night we have a redneck over who swears he knows how to fix it and drags us all into the bathroom to demonstrate his idea. He staggers to the toilet and basically gets on his knees in the filth to get a better look at it. Immediately he sticks his hand in the bowl and he's openly touching the inside of the bowl, full on caressing it drunk as fuck, really getting to know the contours of the break and what might be done to fix it. He’s basically talking out of his ass mumbling about some janky plan to patch it up. I'm trying to tell him to stop fucking touching it when he recoils in horror. He's cut himself on the exposed porcelain, badly. I saw it up close and it was a pretty deep cut.
He tries to play it off legit and get back to the party as I'm just fucking disgusted backing away in shock, imagining the sheer filth of what he just lacerated himself on. I go to offer him some peroxide but of course there's none left, so he just washes his cut under the faucet and wraps it up with toilet paper that everyone had been using to shit with. He's lucky we had toilet paper at all, we used a phone book off and on for months when we couldn’t get our hands on any coffee fi|ters.
Here's a couple bonus shots from that legendary bathroom. Had my first threesome in here, landlord was pissed tearing through the house one day and caught 5 drunk people hiding out in the dark, greasy women used to hide their soiled panties in here and people would parade them around the party weeks or months later and threaten people with them. When things almost went too far with a particularly disgusting pair one night, I put them in a zip loc bag and threw it on the neighbors roof. I needed to sleep.
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2020-02-28 at 2:52 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!Oh so he uses his dick as an extra typing finger. Interesting.
Disabled people compensate in all kinds of weird ways. I’m good wit itThe following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-02-28 at 1:57 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!Lol isn’t poast missing like 6 fingers. How does he even type stuff anymoreThe following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
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2020-02-27 at 6:19 AM UTC in The longest thread on the internet! Free custom LOLcats inside! Ask within!To this day when I see the guy around at bars, he’ll announce to everyone that I’m the only person who’s ever had the balls to swing on him. Got him in the ear. Little bitch didn’t do shit. Just took it.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
