Originally posted by MexicanMasterRace
I can touch all of my back, yes lol. Every inch of my body I can touch. If I come up from under my shirt I can reach almost all the way to my neck. Maybe one or two more vertebrae.
Originally posted by the man who put it in my hood
INFINITYSHOCK
INFINITYSHOCK
INFINITYSHOCK
im on it
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post didn't die in a fire!
So yeah i started drinking again. Or idk if i should even call it that. I drank again for the first time in 2 years a week or so ago. Drank a couple beers and a vodka soda, felt nice. drank 6 more beers and the rest of the bottle, didnt feel extra nice. Wad disappointed. Got another bottle and mixers to deink again tonight, but just ended up having a few beers with my thai food and calling it a night. Idk. Its hard for me to do anything to excess anymore and feel good about it. I figured wanting to put a bullet in my brain is as good an excuse as any to do what i want. i look forward to taking my gabapentin and meager 4mg methadone every day, but only bc its the one time of day im not in pain and discomfort and i can lay there and just close my eyes without my body screaming at me. I still have 1000 mg or so of methadone stashed. Ive had it for years. It occurred to me itd be nice to feel that way more often, but i never did it. I guess i realized that what i WANT to be clean...or....idk. Whatever this is. I want to be clearheaded. I dont want to be sketchy and ashamed of myself. I want to be self sufficient and unselfish. I just dont want any of that life anymore. The only reason it still feels tempting at all is because of the TRAPPINGS of control, strength, success, financial well being- etc - that i felt. But theres other ways to do that without scooping myself out inside.
Anyway. I still feel like dogshit. Not quite as bad as i did a few weeks ago, but still pretty awful. I declined hydrocodone for the 3 root canals bc im pretty sure it wont even do anything so why bother. The gabapentin seems to work a bit for my depression/anxiety too, but thats another can of worms. Idk. I kinda didnt want to take anything at all, but there needs to be something in between total, stubborn abstinence and pleasure seeking addict behavior. Balance. Maybe im fooling myself to think i can do that, but i dont think so. Then again I didnt think a lot of things.
Anyway- so thats that. Still depressed. Still hurting, Still lonely. Still broke. Still fucking exhausted with everything, and kinda dont see a way out of this, but its turned down from a 9 to a 7.
Be easy space negroes.
The following users say it would be alright if the author of this
post didn't die in a fire!
The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
