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Posts by CASPER
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2020-05-12 at 8:59 PM UTC in Later
Originally posted by WellHung You clearly don't understand mental illness.
I mean i do bc i have it. Myentire point was he was super intelligent and physically well. He literally tried nothing but weird chinese research chemicals before he got to the “end of his rope”. Thats fucking lazy.
And i get tobe annoyed. I went back and forth with his bitchass for like 15 years. I even tried to meet up with him in person to take him out and show him how to be around people. He just didnt want to do it. -
2020-05-12 at 8:57 PM UTC in One of you motherfuckers played a joke on me didnt you?WHAT IS JOEK?
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2020-05-12 at 8:49 PM UTC in Let’s see what really happened, shall we
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2020-05-12 at 1:35 PM UTC in SAN ANTONIO: City Council Unanimously Passes Resolution Denouncing COVID-19 Hate Speechsalamanders procreate by jizzing in ponds so they def couldve infected the frogs with their gay poz loads which would 3xplain a lot
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2020-05-12 at 1:24 PM UTC in SAN ANTONIO: City Council Unanimously Passes Resolution Denouncing COVID-19 Hate Speechbill Bill Krozbybydogs abides very strictly to health code standards. Gonna be squeaky clean before it gets nasty n root around all up in ur throat n tastebuds BEEP BEEP
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2020-05-12 at 1:02 PM UTC in One of you motherfuckers played a joke on me didnt you?lol
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2020-05-12 at 1:01 PM UTC in SAN ANTONIO: City Council Unanimously Passes Resolution Denouncing COVID-19 Hate SpeechWhen did Texas become such a bunch of fucking pussies?
lol how did they include j3ws in this victim circle jerk? -
2020-05-12 at 12:47 PM UTC in The Recovery Thread (The Other TRT)
Originally posted by Sudo CASPER You can say your brain doesn't work but I see it working. I HAVE BEEN FEELING LIKE A PALE SHADE OF MYSELF FOR A FUCKING DECADE. I've literally been making threads about that since zoklet and have only been getting worse. I can tell your brain still fires. Methadone will turn the toughest brain to mush and I can tell you still have an edge to it. I've been doing opiates and many other substances (being briefly addicted to all major drugs and drug groups besides meth although have cocaine and methylphenidate as substitutes) for 17 years (over half my life) and come from a long line of depressed alcoholics. Although my brain is mush and I'm horribly addicted to pills, I'm somehow making more money legally than I have in a long time (or really…ever) and do not feel I am at a risk for returning to prison. Beyond however your brain feels YOU HAVE A LOT TO OFFER THE WORLD AND THE WORLD HAS A LOT TO OFFER YOU IF YOU OPEN YOURSELF TO IT
Bro, I can't pretend to know your situation fully, or even 2% of it, but I do know as an objective observer that your fucking life has meaning and not only to you. You might feel meaningless and worthless but I assure you you are not. You have a story (lots actually) to tell and there will be a resolution and a denouement and a hero and an afterward and maybe a fucking sequel or two. You have a lot to give and offer. The first part sucked but you have to learn some lessons along the way in order to create something lasting. You're just beginning to live man, even if it doesn't feel like it and instead feels like you're sleepwalking yourself to death. It's going to get better if you let it.
I think you need intimacy too. You've got an awesome soul that needs a companion.I think if you find this, or at least a moment or two where you feel a combination that makes sense and you feel less alone, you will feel like you belong a lot more. You deserve a lot man, God knows you do and you're going to get it when the time is right. Fucking watch it happen
Ugh refreshed the page and deleted my shit.
Anyway. Ngl that made me tear up a bit broski.
Idk im sure things would get better i just dk how much better. Id say dont feel like myself but i dont even know what “myself” is. Cutting my own hair this week, i realized its the first time in 31 years ive chosen my own haircut. I just kept getting the same thing i started getting when i was 4 bc it was he default and i didnt have to worry about something being wrong, or making a wrong decision. Same fucking haircut for 27 years. Thats pretty much my life in a nutshell. I just dont feel right. Yeah theres something in there but its all globbed together and disconnected and insulated. Nothing feels automatic or effortless or coherent anymore, and its exhausting just doing simple shit. Like i put off rewriting this post for like 8 hours because typing things seemed like toomuch work. lol.
Im sure some of it is the drugs, but ive been on less than 6mg methadone for a couple months now, and less than 10 for like 4 months. I thought certain th8ngs would start getting better but It feels like im just getting worse. Maybe withdrawal. Idk. Its not even a specific thing its the totality of everything. The physical stuff. The pain. The relationships i fucked up and people i alienated. The selfish, fucked up, cringey shit i did. Being so spineless (omg that symbolsim) for so long. Still not having any direction whatsoever. Not being able to take pride in anything. Giving up doing the one thing i was ever really good at, bc its incompatible with who id want to be. Just feeling broke down and fucked up and angry and old and hardly a man. I remember feeling despondent on drugs, but i dont remember feeling quite this shitty. This is like 3D Depression lol. It just permeates every second im awake, and i want to wrap my hands around its fucking throat but all it is, is me. And me is tired. And me is just running on fumes, and knows problems dont fix themselves. And fixing problems takes vision and spiritual energy and hope, all of which hes sorely lacking right now.
I think theres always a possibility things will get better, but theres every possibility things stay the sameor god forbid get worse. I just straight up cant do this another 5 years. Full stop. Im okay sometimes but im not enjoying anything. i keep wondering at what point is it okay to make that decision. Like obviously theres a point. Most people understand a terminally ill patient opting out? What about being terminally fucked up?
Definitely need intimacy. I was just thinking the other day, i miss just cruising with someone. Driving out somewhere in the middle of the night to get some super unhealthy food. Everyone i knew from drugs i pretty much stopped talking to. I stopped talking to people like 9 months before I quit so I think its been like 2 or 3 years since i really hung out with anyone. Im too exhausted to really be lonely anymore though. Its more like remembering a snippet of a melody to a song and thinking “I wish i remembered what that was from”.
idk.
Thanks. -
2020-05-12 at 11:39 AM UTC in The Recovery Thread (The Other TRT)
Originally posted by Stopffs I wish I could give you a big momma bear hug and go for a really long walk, which wouldn’t seem long at all while we came up with realistic goals and an action plan to get you moving forward in the direction that’s best for you. I think you are worth it. I also believe I could help you help yourself and in turn It would help me too.
You are a gem! You just gotta get in the hands of people who know your true worth. I mean that literally.
Yeah i def could use some direction. Treading water feels like the best i can do now. The physical part is getting to me too though. A 5 min walk gets painful enough to stop me in my tracks. Its just constant, and it certainly seems like its here to stay, and that scares the shit out of me. Its a lot easier to think of all the things i wont be able to do, rather than envision anything i will.
anyway....*hug* -
2020-05-12 at 11:26 AM UTC in Bruised my finger because I've been playing my new instrument so much
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2020-05-12 at 11:18 AM UTC in Let’s see what really happened, shall weYeah ive confronted someone trying to steal my neighbors car twice (they have nice cars), and neither time did I bring my gun outside. i started filming and got the license plate of their car, and them yelled NEED SOME HELPnd they dipped hard. Called the police. I DID have to pull my gun when someone was hiding in the backyard after a burglary, and jiggling the back doorknob though. I was really praying he didnt keep trying to get in though, because that wouldve been a clusterfuck. So understand both sides. You SHOULD be proactive and protect your community, but you should also do it with a sense of proportion and common sense. Getting murdered with your ow gun is NOT the business though, so fuck joggers.
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2020-05-12 at 9:52 AM UTC in What are you listening to right now, space nigga?
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2020-05-12 at 9:51 AM UTC in What are you listening to right now, space nigga?Shit. Well congrats on starting to get better. Ive been off H like 18 months now and just started drinking and smoking again. I know i shouldnt but it is what itis. I wouldnt wish the misery of a lengthy opiate/crack addiction on anyone. Plus the misery of constantly having people around you die like that. Every few months at the clinic i end up asking about someone i havent seen for a bit, and they end up dead. Lately i havent seen ths is pretty little curly haired italian girl. Last I saw her she was in the waiting room with an abscess the size of a golf ball in the crook of her arm, dripping sweat. I got her some water and a clean rag from the car, we talked for the hour or so she had to wait, and she ended up being really sweet. Shooting heroin didnt seem like her at all. She was wearing a Morrowind t shirt and pink floyd pajama bottoms.
Hope ur okay Daniela -
2020-05-12 at 9:36 AM UTC in What are you doing at the moment
Originally posted by trippymindfuk I'm getting high and thinking about how life can be gone in the blink of an eye…..
I'm on some other shit tonight and obviously not near high enough judging by how I'm stuck in my head….
It can be a good thing. In a few days youll start appreciating people more. Doesnt last long though. Best if you can parley those moments into something positive that sticks with you. -
2020-05-12 at 9:35 AM UTC in Let’s see what really happened, shall we
Originally posted by -SpectraL Two full grown men against one guy, and they have to run to their guns.
One dude older than you, and one guy against a guy that could very well be armed and get violent. If you attack a dude with a loaded shotgun by sprinting straight at him, thats natural selection at work and thats shits on you. Cant imagine how easy it wouldve been to either keep running and MAKE them shoot an unarmed man, or sit down on the curb and tell them to call police. -
2020-05-12 at 9:31 AM UTC in What are you listening to right now, space nigga?Fuuuuuuuuck man. I know that feeling. Even if you dont know someone really well, when you connect with someone like that their loss still rocks you. Esp when youve been throuh rough times in your life together. There were people i barely knew who let me sleep on their sofa, or invite me for thanksgiving dinner. They were basically strangers to me save for a few weeks time. But just remembering the love and kindness they showed me in that brief time, hearing theyd died really fucked me up.
What did u go to rehab for? You still doing okay? -
2020-05-12 at 7:12 AM UTC in Let’s see what really happened, shall we
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2020-05-12 at 7:09 AM UTC in What are you listening to right now, space nigga?
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2020-05-12 at 4:24 AM UTC in What are you listening to right now, space nigga?
Originally posted by trippymindfuk Just found out I lost a friend, checked her FB profile cuz I hadn't heard from her in a while and it said "remembering" and "pay tribute" and all that….kinda surreal to find out that way. RIP Kaylee, you were a beautiful young woman and I'll never forget you
Fuck man thats the worst. I lost 2 friends last year, and its fucked up. Did you find out how she died? -
2020-05-12 at 4:23 AM UTC in Let’s see what really happened, shall we
Originally posted by Technologist I read these. Either a big-time hate crime, or he’s plumb nuts, or both🤯
Even if hes “crazy”, it still shouldve applied. Dylann Roof clearly wasnt all there, and they slapped all sorts of hate crime enhancements on here. I dont remember ever hearing about a non-white getting hate crime charges. Im sure they exist, but few and far between i imagine.
