Posts by Zanick

2020-10-29 at 6:22 PM UTC in what is wrong with me

Zanick motherfucker [my p.a. supernal goa]

i’ve been seeing a loose & passionless physician for some time, we’re not close but it’s productive

2020-10-29 at 4:51 PM UTC in what is wrong with me

Zanick motherfucker [my p.a. supernal goa]

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i got lost in the precipitation when a huge amphetamine cloud in the sky was ripped open by the metal part of me, i took even more after this & i definitely pushed too far today lol

i’m leaving it up in case any of it’s meaningful & because i’m not yet in the right condition to determine whether i’ve been coherent (or quite possibly rude)

[spoiler=amphetamine cannibal assessment]

[quote pk=1224674 author="aldra"]this is... I think I know what I was trying to say but did it poorly. It's something that I've never tried to put into words[/quote]

you’re articulate, as am i, & i don't think your syntax was the issue. when i suffer a loss for words on a subject that makes me uncomfortable, it’s because i didn’t want it to be concretely available for my comprehension because processing it is disturbing to me.

has the notion led you anywhere? if there's some feeling you're guarding against yourself, what does it taste like? find the well which has dispersed that contaminant, and when you find it, keep drinking until you remember what you dropped down there.

possibly an odd question: did you notice the rush or release of any sensation, anywhere in your body? would you notice such a thing, or do you mostly live in your head?

[quote]I don't want to risk other, better-adjusted, people starting to think the same way.[/quote]

in so few words, you manage to convey your low opinion of your own development, that something you feel must be corruptive to society, and that understanding this really isn’t worth our trouble because there’s no benefit, only the possibility of harm. you can't connect with others, and you advise them not to connect with you because palpable to you in such situations is a threat of danger that won't let you be at ease.

regarding your father's outburst: i note that it was possibly his target (your girlfriend) which led your decision to separate, rather than his behavior itself?

i can’t help but notice that you’ve put yourself down a few times in this thread, which is about you and this earnest struggle when you seldom reference yourself around the forum in general. are you possibly trying to get away from yourself because there’s something you mustn’t see?

[quote]To me there are barely visible strands between the most abhorrent crimes and everyday people. It's easy to wave away criminals as 'bad people' who are different, especially when it comes to the most depraved crimes, but actually considering their motivations and how they justify their acts to themselves allows you to see similarities in the thought processes of others. Or yourself.

The best example I can give are related to sex drive - everyone has their desires that they're biologically compelled to pursue to varying degrees - most people are unable to live an ascetic lifestyle; their impulses are too strong and they aren't able to find a reason to summon the strength to fight them (not that they should be expected to).

If you understand the strength of your own sexual desires, do you think they'd be any easier to control if you were a child molestor, a rapist, or some sort of extreme sadist? Would you be capable of the same things, if only your desires were different?[/quote]

we all have the capacity for savagery & cruelty & it bleeds out of every footstep across the earth but the body also enjoys a regulatory function, which you can verify (or at least reason) isn’t totally defunct in everybody, everywhere, yet. i think you’ve long been supplying the justification of an unconscious project, wherein you systematically dissolve the conceptual barriers between personal safety & danger in a caustic maneuver to resolve their conflict, that is, this very struggle in which you have enormous bets placed on either side.

it doesn’t end. you’ll clench your teeth harder and harder until a fissure colonizes your mouth, and then you’ll have become a diseased person who can’t leave home to cope with dentists. this is when the rot sets in. you’ll never enjoy so much as a morsel & you’ll be closer to becoming what you fear—hurting people with what’s inside of you—& anyone who gets close could be at risk, just as you fear now, just as you feared with your father hurting everybody close. you’ll have confirmed his prophecy about a dangerous world, but only for yourself.

and in your twilight, well... remember grandpa? how many teeth, and how did he cope? how fearful, after he discovered in himself the very chasm that you're grinding into being right now? how did anger back then protect you from the sight of his truth, and what conceals that same truth at this moment?

[quote]There are two specific instances that I've made the mistake of researching in the past that I don't think I'll ever be able to get out of my head - not so much because they're in any way interesting, but because I don't believe in good and evil. I don't see the perpetrators as fundamentally any different from most people, and yet they've committed some of the most vile and disgusting acts I've heard of.

It makes me feel as though we're irredeemable on the whole.[/quote]

i believe that you feel as though you’re irredeemable on the whole & potentially dangerous & you prefer to project this everywhere else, rather than seeing it principally in the context of your own life. reflection of that critical kind can be scary as shit for people whose abusive parents didn’t help them learn it healthily.

ideally, children we scream at never learn how to handle it the way that's best for them. this isn't an accident, it's how people get left out. i believe that you identify with some of the worst things that have happened in your life & they predict a scary future, so you let them hold you back.

how does your ancient concept of looming threat manifest on the board to keep you in check? what was the sin that made you an exile? how old were you when you first excluded the possibility of your forgiveness? who or what is still making you torture yourself & what do you make of that, in terms of everyday awareness?[/spoiler]

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i got lost in the precipitation when a huge amphetamine cloud in the sky was ripped open by the metal part of me, i took even more after this & i definitely pushed too far today lol

i’m leaving it up in case any of it’s meaningful & because i’m not yet in the right condition to determine whether i’ve been coherent (or quite possibly rude)

2020-10-28 at 11:37 PM UTC in You cannot hyde from me

Zanick motherfucker [my p.a. supernal goa]

every day should see progressively more amphetamine & eventually a kind of utopia will be disclosed in your spirit

2020-10-28 at 11:33 PM UTC in Feedback

Zanick motherfucker [my p.a. supernal goa]

america demands a taxpayer-funded sex lottery or you will be denied further sex for life by whomever is left for you to ask

2020-10-28 at 5:42 PM UTC in what is wrong with me

Zanick motherfucker [my p.a. supernal goa]

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[quote pk=1223886 author="aldra"]
feel completely detached in any meaningful way to the outside world but I'm not so autistic that I can't function. people generally seem to find me friendly and eloquent enough but without ever making an attempt to really connect.[/quote]

you should be concerned that we walk through the same neighborhood. better hope for your sake that we’re going to different places.

[quote]I don't feel that I have a place socially, nor do I feel that human society has a worthwhile future (one that I would be happy to work toward - I know some people like things the way they are, or are happy farming yams and carrying water jugs several kilometers a day).[/quote]

when you imagine this ‘place’ you should have in society, are there plates & silverware set there for you? more likely, you got stopped at the door. people are left out—it’s not an accident; scars on your consciousness, for the world tried to kill you younger. what you’ve done since is off-script & she’s still trying.

[quote]I often consider opting out not because life is too hard or painful, but because there's very little I care about and grinding through another 50 years or so just seems pointless because unless I do something very, very bad, I'll leave nothing behind. The only reason I haven't already is probably just because I don't want to hurt [b]the few other people I care about. And my cats.[/b][/quote]

good, a support system & a nonverbal suicide contract that makes you accountable to them. this is something you can bring up first to show a therapist you mean business if you decide to try therapy, which i highly recommend. 

[quote]I don't want to talk to those people I care about because I'm afraid trying to explain the things that led me to this state of mind could have an extremely negative on their own 'mental health’.[/quote]

so you don’t just shut out strangers, but you also deprive the people who love you of knowing what you carry; that it’s so bad, it makes you want to die, & you don’t want their help.

you know they have a hole in their lives where your trust belongs? wouldn’t you rather they feel like [i]they[/i] have a place in [i]your world[/i]?

if you do want to improve things, you must talk to them & they must feel the distress of learning this. it will harm them & you & it will deepen the relationship.  if you do want to improve things, this is a necessary risk. you’re vulnerable; act like it.

i realize that’s deeply worrisome & i encourage you to do gradually more things that are worrisome & less to neutralize the worry.

[quote]I’ll answer whatever questions you have that won't lead to people being able to reach out offline (ie swatting, telling my boss or mother my favourite word is 'nigger' etc.). Or just troll I guess, I don't really care. I haven't been in great shape mentally for the last few weeks, and eating strips of etizolam seems to have made things worse rather than better (surprise)
[/quote]

i’m also in a dark period, can’t afford to make others worse when i need to get better.

in my experience, fun benzos can escalate an already worsening mental health situation, if used in excess.
once this is happening, it keeps happening until it doesn't.

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Originally posted by aldra feel completely detached in any meaningful way to the outside world but I'm not so autistic that I can't function. people generally seem to find me friendly and eloquent enough but without ever making an attempt to really connect.

you should be concerned that we walk through the same neighborhood. better hope for your sake that we’re going to different places.

I don't feel that I have a place socially, nor do I feel that human society has a worthwhile future (one that I would be happy to work toward - I know some people like things the way they are, or are happy farming yams and carrying water jugs several kilometers a day).

when you imagine this ‘place’ you should have in society, are there plates & silverware set there for you? more likely, you got stopped at the door. people are left out—it’s not an accident; scars on your consciousness, for the world tried to kill you younger. what you’ve done since is off-script & she’s still trying.

I often consider opting out not because life is too hard or painful, but because there's very little I care about and grinding through another 50 years or so just seems pointless because unless I do something very, very bad, I'll leave nothing behind. The only reason I haven't already is probably just because I don't want to hurt the few other people I care about. And my cats.

good, a support system & a nonverbal suicide contract that makes you accountable to them. this is something you can bring up first to show a therapist you mean business if you decide to try therapy, which i highly recommend.

I don't want to talk to those people I care about because I'm afraid trying to explain the things that led me to this state of mind could have an extremely negative on their own 'mental health’.

so you don’t just shut out strangers, but you also deprive the people who love you of knowing what you carry; that it’s so bad, it makes you want to die, & you don’t want their help.

you know they have a hole in their lives where your trust belongs? wouldn’t you rather they feel like they have a place in your world?

if you do want to improve things, you must talk to them & they must feel the distress of learning this. it will harm them & you & it will deepen the relationship. if you do want to improve things, this is a necessary risk. you’re vulnerable; act like it.

i realize that’s deeply worrisome & i encourage you to do gradually more things that are worrisome & less to neutralize the worry.

I’ll answer whatever questions you have that won't lead to people being able to reach out offline (ie swatting, telling my boss or mother my favourite word is 'nigger' etc.). Or just troll I guess, I don't really care. I haven't been in great shape mentally for the last few weeks, and eating strips of etizolam seems to have made things worse rather than better (surprise)

i’m also in a dark period, can’t afford to make others worse when i need to get better.

in my experience, fun benzos can escalate an already worsening mental health situation, if used in excess.
once this is happening, it keeps happening until it doesn't.

2020-10-28 at 5:02 PM UTC in You cannot hyde from me

Zanick motherfucker [my p.a. supernal goa]

lmao it's called participation faggot i'll eat your fucking face

2020-10-28 at 4:58 PM UTC in bully the above poster, keep getting worse

Zanick motherfucker [my p.a. supernal goa]

Originally posted by infinityshock make a thread 'rape all the posters' and you have a deal, you sniveling nigger cock jockey

this might be ungraciously reductionist but i'd say what activities remain in your life might be characterized as waiting while i rapidly age for someone with better things to do to blackout for my chance to spam cocks & their insinuation all over a private website he hosts for miscreants who've largely grown out of cock spam

you've repurposed your vocabulary to reflect this focus & you've radically narrowed your content for the worse. i suspect you intend to do more of the same & to be more serious, i know you know it's deeply saddening for you & the people who read your posts to learn that this choice is something you've always had as a possibility

any glimmer of pride you feel in that simple gut for what you've put into this is tied to a coefficient with its value doubled in shame & the worst part is probably that you're a gifted person from a better place than you'll never see again & how you distract yourself is by becoming a mild nuisance to a community of mild nuisance

2020-10-27 at 6:42 PM UTC in You cannot hyde from me

Zanick motherfucker [my p.a. supernal goa]

i liked what she said about niggers best, rip

2020-10-27 at 6:38 PM UTC in bully the above poster, keep getting worse

Zanick motherfucker [my p.a. supernal goa]

grew up 9999 handsome, became a man & it turned over to 0000

now he’s handsome like ghandi wages war: only in simulations

2020-10-27 at 6:35 PM UTC in You cannot hyde from me

Zanick motherfucker [my p.a. supernal goa]

so are your grandma’s curtains, they’re long & thick so that she can pin them together to keep the spics from seeing into the house

2020-10-27 at 5:34 PM UTC in You cannot hyde from me

Zanick motherfucker [my p.a. supernal goa]

that reads like a brand new variation on the original concept of faggotry

keep riding that allegory straight into hiv

2020-10-27 at 4:52 PM UTC in You cannot hyde from me

Zanick motherfucker [my p.a. supernal goa]

think of ping-pong in a closet as a big, inside joke

2020-10-27 at 4:48 PM UTC in bully the above poster, keep getting worse

Zanick motherfucker [my p.a. supernal goa]

your small-talk openers consist of displaying a dream that you’ll only ever follow vicariously because you’re incapable of the act. impotence is a polite euphemism for what you suffer, and you're relegated to witnessing foreign ejaculate go wherever it pleases on faces that could belong to you

2020-10-27 at 1:52 AM UTC in You cannot hyde from me

Zanick motherfucker [my p.a. supernal goa]

it is

2020-10-27 at 1:47 AM UTC in Lol @ Russian bots saying nobody is going to Biden's rallies, and Republicants beliving it

Zanick motherfucker [my p.a. supernal goa]

bolshevik my vodka hole, petrov

2020-10-27 at 1:10 AM UTC in Who Finny really is. I got his Dox

Zanick motherfucker [my p.a. supernal goa]

it’s about time you saw that i’m a big girl now

2020-10-26 at 10:45 PM UTC in You cannot hyde from me

Zanick motherfucker [my p.a. supernal goa]

you will be the first thc overdose, i will make this be

2020-10-26 at 10:29 PM UTC in You cannot hyde from me

Zanick motherfucker [my p.a. supernal goa]

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fuck off, beholden to nobody. i'm telling you, from your perspective, this is what's in your interest. fuck off

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fuck off, beholden to nobody. i'm telling you, from your perspective, this is what's in your interest. fuck off

2020-10-26 at 10:25 PM UTC in You cannot hyde from me

Zanick motherfucker [my p.a. supernal goa]

if you were to do this now he would return the favor and you would change for a while

2020-10-26 at 10:20 PM UTC in You cannot hyde from me

Zanick motherfucker [my p.a. supernal goa]

fuck that's actually compelling

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