Usually when I feel like this, procrastinating, it’s because I’m not sure what my goals are and if what I’m doing will get me there. But they seem like solid goals and plans right now so idk what I’m unsure about.
That perfect day with Cam. A lot happened, I met his mum and we took his dog for a walk here. We were sitting on a bench smoking a spliff and sharing earphones. Always forever by Cults was playing. We had a lot of perfect days.
It’s like you go to some markets in Aladdin land and a seller lets you try out a carpet, then after they give you a gift, something that you need. I don’t know what it is but my subconscious does.
The first time I felt grief was when I lost my teddybear, in 2018, it burned and I couldn’t stop screaming for half an hour “Where is he”. I’m not sure why I was so attached. I cried about it to my ex gf and she hugged me, I told my psychologist about it and she also wanted to hug me. When my dad was on his deathbed I gave him a teddybear, reversing the roles. I thought I’d healed the trauma, I really have gotten over it so I don’t know why that showed up in my dream now.
A lot. I was in a medieval village, pulling driftwood from the beach and there was a poster from the future attached to one of the trees that washed up. It was a missing person’s poster for my teddybear. It was like I was trying to remember who I was and also found my Hellraiser hoody. Then I was out for a walk, passing by tourists at first, I tried to ignore them at first because they were just saying they were normal and Roman to people who ignored them. They didn’t know where they were trying to go. I got on the same bus as them and tried to give them directions to a village. My sister also got on the bus. I noticed a shop at one of the stops was burnt out. It was 11:30PM. We missed our stop because I was trying to give the tourists directions and the driver asked me for a cigarette, then wouldn’t let us off until the next stop. I told her some people don’t deserve the future. We were at the cinema, the attendant asked me if a dog had scratched my arm. Flicking through the magazine of movies to watch, I wanted a horror one but the movies just had a picture on each page, no description. Idk how to describe them, dark backgrounds with people in creepy clothes. I took forever choosing a snack because the sushi looked like whole rotting fish, there was a special texture snack for autists, it looked like orange jelly and olives. I was looking for chocolate bread.
There were the bombs in Paris as well, at the airport they were screaming at us to get upstairs, I saw it going up the escalator. Same day got off a train, rounded a corner to go up the steps, heard an explosion, saw two white flashed and people were screaming, right behind me.
