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Posts by CASPER
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2018-10-19 at 6:43 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
Originally posted by GGG There's something to be said about women throwing things in the kitchen.
True story- Every girl I every meet and start to get serious with, I flash forward in my mind to us having the fight that ends it. No matter how sweet or quiet, there's this groundwater deep belief in me that I innately bring out the worst in people, and that given time even someone angelic would find a reason to want me dead or gone. -
2018-10-19 at 6:29 PM UTC in I'm so glad I bullied malice into killing himself
Originally posted by hydromorphone Sploo, you caused my friend to die in the same capacity that you have any governmental influence, which is none, zero, zilch. Malice killed himself because after years of trying to reverse genetic, and environmental issues he caused himself (i.e. isolation), he couldn't deal any longer, bought a "parachute" to be able to end the suffering, and one day just did it. You have power over no one. You influence nothing. You're just some scum from the bottom of a cesspool. You're not intelligent as you claim to be, and all this, this claims to being smart, intelligent, and brilliant, are just your insecurity showing through.
What promise did he make? I don't recall right off hand, if it's something that was posted.
I honestly think he went through with it. He said he was contemplating it, sat and tried a couple of times prior, but had some reservations/fear, but I know him well enough to know that he could easily get over that, and while sure he trolled from time to time, I don't think he'd do a suicide troll. Maybe I'm wrong. I hope I am wrong, but that's what I feel. I really miss the guy. If he is alive, I wish he'd just tip me off, even if he never talked to me again, and I'd leave it at that, and let the troll ride. I'd just like to know if he is alive, out there somewhere, where maybe one day he will get better.
A lot of people I love and care about have died recently, and it's come at a really bad time in my life to boot. It's not because of him, or the others whom have passed, but I do know I'll be following in his footsteps soon enough. Malice was wise enough to not let people get too close to him, to have too much influence, else I would be where ever he's at now. I kick myself in the ass for not continuing on, despite bullshit people told me. I know if Malice, a person whom I believe tried harder than anyone I've ever known with severe issues, couldn't find a way, I sure as hell have no hope.
He was supposed to give me a day to drive him around the city. If he wanted to die I'd have let him. I'd even have been there in whatever capacity I could be, while not putting myself in legal jeopardy. His autism was a blind spot for him. He thought he had perspective because he read a bunch of academic philosophical masturbation essays on anti Natalism. But expecting someone like that to understand emotion or beauty or moment, or experience is like trying to explain to someone blind from birth what the color blue is. I don't know if he did it, but if he did, it was selfish. I have a pretty solid idea of how and when I'll end my life, but at least I have some tangible reasons, and not because I chose to stay inside for a decade and a half and get all my expectations of human relations and love from weird fetishy anime. Idk. I tried to connect with him. In a lot of ways we had the same experience. But while I've burned my bridges, he simply never decided to cross them, afraid that the planks would snap, or he'd lose his balance, or a tornado would come and tear the thing all to splinters. A million and one reasons not to just throw yourself in and let life happen. For as much as he thought he was too far gone, he was essentially still an infant when it came to the world.
In any case- if he's alive he wants everyone to think he's dead. If he's dead, then he's meat, and there's no use expending what little energy I have left to try to persuade or rationalize him doing anything productive. If the latter really is the case, I hope he makes some nice green grass for someone to lay on and cloud watch. -
2018-10-19 at 5:56 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
Originally posted by RisiR † I miss that dude.
He's still around. One of the few people I could always tell was a straight up good dude. I think I sent him a model car for Christmas or something. And whoever was supposed to be my secret santa fucked up and didn't send anything. Fitting rofl. Hopefully they at least got high. Feels like a really long time ago. -
2018-10-19 at 4:38 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionBlah
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2018-10-19 at 6:05 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionI need to bring back de General
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2018-10-19 at 5:27 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attentionyou can still do well. But if you spend your whole life trying to belittle people who you deign beneath you, and treating everything like a joke and using antagonism as a defense mechanism, you'll die old and alone. Stop playing a character. Figure out who you actually are.
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2018-10-19 at 5:22 AM UTC in I'm so glad I bullied malice into killing himselfIf he is dead, impissed off he didn't keep his promise to me. I live 20 min away. At the very least he wouldn't have had to die alone.
But who knows? I know he has no social life, but I also know he could easily weaponize his autism and stay. Away from here long enough to keep the legend alive. In either case, he had zero perspective. -
2018-10-19 at 5:08 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionI should dig out some of the stories that even make me cry. The nice thing is I hardly remember them when I've got heroin around. One more reason methadone is dogshit,
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2018-10-19 at 5:04 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionBuddhism says life is learning to reconcile pain. Addiction has been an excellent teacher. I was always ahead of my classes, and tall and strong, at least okay looking. When you lose all the things that made you who you were, who you you become then? Since the physical body is the same, are you always that person somewhere? Or is it possible to kill that former self and become something else entirely?
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2018-10-19 at 4:55 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionYeah normally I'd stay away from cliches and try to keep a loose rhyme scheme but I literally just dumped that out in about a minute or two. I was starting to just be normal everyday depressed again, and then she started texting me and I was just so furious. That feeling- when you care about someone so much that it's like a fork twirling your insides like spaghetti? I wanted her to feel that. As the pretty rich actress with all the opportunities in the world, I just had to wonder if she's ever had the pleasure of that experience.
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2018-10-19 at 4:48 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
Originally posted by ohfralala I’m not trying to be retarded but this shit made me cry.
If you ever decide to make handwritten copies, bind them in leather and I’ll buy it from you.
Originally posted by Sudo Yeah this hit me pretty good
You obviously have a knack for articulating a universal sadness. Please stay with it
Thank ye. Like I said it was better before I pumped a bunch of toxic shit into my lungs and veins and turned my brain into pudding. It was certainly more articulate and vivid. But I'm glad it translates over for some people. I probably need to be on some kind of meds. I remember vivid video clips of my life and just replay them over and over again. Or in the case of relationships, I fast forward in my head to 6 years down the line where we're in the kitchen and she's throwing plates at me and we're screaming at each other. -
2018-10-19 at 3:51 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionI laid out every personal, deep, scathing critique of being with me, and she still wanted it. And i yelled at her a bunch. Told her maybe if i choked and hit her like her ex shed like that more. I told her i pray every day that shell fuck off, because i dont want to have to be responsible for her, wondering if shes okay. I dont want to have to wonder if she watched a sad movie and opened her wrists in the bath again. Feeling human isnt worth feeling that awful all the time.
She always harps on the fact that my birthday is the day that she died on the operating table twice and was revived. It doesnt mean anything. Its not a story. Its a coincidence. And we're both junkies. And she gets so close and then it freaks her out and she lies and lies to try to push away. Im just tired. I kinda wish shed just disappear. At least before i was just a common, everyday kind of unhappy. -
2018-10-19 at 3:44 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionI was really just trying to make her cry
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2018-10-19 at 3:14 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
Originally posted by ohfralala This might be my favorite poem ever, even if it wasn’t intended as such.
<3
I used to write a lot. But heroin kind of lobotomized me. I rarely write anymore. I have to be massively depressed or withdrawing to feel enough to get something half-passable out. Poast sharing some of the old stuff hed clipped from TOTSE kind of sparked something in my head. But I cant even count the number of notebooks ive thrown out or destroyed. Since Im already being a total fag, I might as well share what I churned out in about a half minute last night. And i get that the cadence and everything isnt perfect but like i said i was angry and fucked up and just typed it out as fast as it came out of my head.
I never expected you to be perfect you know?
the way that heroin is.
When the warmth spreads to your fingers and toes
And fills in the hollows and crevices
Till your whole again and human.
And the past becomes as hazy as a bathroom after a warm shower
And you can pretend that the last 12 years
of fuck-ups and tears didnt matter
While you while away more hours till the ground crumbles beneath you
And i guess ive just always had a thing for broken people
Its like you cant know yourself until youve found yourself in pieces
And seen the rough edges and flip sides to every crack and paint chip
To every dream you ever had and every thing you thought you were
So all it takes it one sad half faked smile
And I see myself in her. Literally. Maybe not.
But if we robbed a bank and both got shot in a truck
At least it would all end before we hated each others guts
In some way ive always needed that bonnie to my clyde
And when you try to stifle a smile and look at me
I feel like a late october pumpkin and youve scooped out my insides.
Hurt hits me like a golden oldie, but i hate it when you speak
Because each honeyed word and pretty lie fools me into feeling human
And I fucking HATE to feel that weak
When you said you felt ugly and i kissed the silver ringed scars
that covered the galaxy of your stomach
Near shaking, afraid to be such a failure in front of your parents
Even though i couldnt look you in the eye you cupped my face in your hands and said
"We're the same, you and I. You dont have to say anything. All they need to know is that I want you"
And something switched.
But trying to keep you is cupping an injured songbird in your hands
Too afraid to move or scare or hurt it
Cause it might not come back again
Whewn my mom told me my life should ended in the trash can at an abortion clinic
I said "I love you too", and i think thats the last time ill mean it.
And i think when it comes down to it, death or drugs, either or
With a needle or a bullet you just want someone who cares so deep
To bleed out with you on a motel bathroom floor.
Figuratively
Maybe.
Or something.
-fin- -
2018-10-19 at 2:40 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs Attention
Originally posted by GGG It'd be weirder if you were 18. All the Gorillaz fans are older now. Do it
I guess thats true. I think Demon Dayz was the first album I actually sat through all the way without skipping throiugh for the "favorite tracks", and realized what a badass experience a properly put together album could be. And anything with Damon Albarn is cool as shit. And Dr. Octogynecologist. Ive listened to a bit of the new album, and everything is cool, but maybe it just hasnt had time to grow on me. Just heard this for the first time the other night and watched the music video through the oculus....very cool concept.
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2018-10-19 at 2:15 AM UTC in I'm a serial killer AmAWhat method of taking life is most erotic to you? Have you ever paid a aneorexic meth whore to get inside one of those space saver bags lined with vynil and vacuumed the air out? Promise youll let them out after 2 minutes. And then of course when they realize that you dont intend to let them out and they begin shrieking. If they werent so stupid to begin with, theyd realize they were just using up oxygen more quickly. The lips and the fingernail beds, under the eyes. Its a startling shade of blue. I wish i could have a suit tailored in that color.
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2018-10-19 at 1:31 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionContemplating whether I want to be the weird 30 year old dude at a Gorillaz concert.
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2018-10-19 at 12:02 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionJaykay hooray
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2018-10-18 at 11:41 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Sploo Needs AttentionGood god I want to get high. Every time this year. The air starts to chill and the smell of swirling dead leaves and loamy dirt. And I remember sitting on corners sweating through 4 layers of clothing, freezing, shaking, dry heaving and vomiting as discretely as possible at the bus stop in front of the drug store. With your joints all aching and spine feeling like it's been woven through a wheel. You'd think that would make you not want to get high, to go back to that. But that cold air and the smell of leaves is also a crackling bonfire and a cigarette in the night air, and laughter. Cheap domestic beer, and pilfered whiskey from an empty water bottle. The flickering on the faces of good friends who don't exist anymore. And a shy girl who they always teased because her tits were too small, and her ass wasn't big enough....leaning in awkwardly to kiss you on a fire escape. And there was not knowing and uncertainty and that was invigorating. And between then and now feels like an ancient ocean. And I used to love and laugh and fight and felt vibrant and electric and full of words. And now I just feel all scooped out inside, with a big plastic smile carved into my face,appropriately approximating something more human than a gourd. Fuck.
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2018-10-15 at 11:54 AM UTC in This is JFLC. Looking for old members.
