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Posts by CASPER
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2020-05-10 at 9:54 PM UTC in What are you listening to right now, space nigga?
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2020-05-10 at 9:53 PM UTC in The Recovery Thread (The Other TRT)
Originally posted by Octavian Casper please don't do anything Malice like, you're such a great guy and we all love having you on NIS.
Originally posted by Sophie Hopelessness is a major risk factor for pulling a Malice. Casper figured, might as well get drunk if i'm close to that place anyway. Which is good. Future-orientation is a protective factor from pulling a Malice. I can see future-orientation, and when he's nigh hopeless he'll cope chemically. Which isn't great, but it's better than being dead. And i for one am glad.
Don't mean to talk to about you like you're not here Casper. Just doing an armchair psychologist suicide risk assessment. It's true though that feeling hopeless for an extended period of time is a sign suicide is more likely to occur. Chronic pain is also bad. The thing is, suicidal people don't actually want to die, they just want the pain to go away. So there's always relapse, if you're close to offing yourself. But don't take that as an excuse. It's a last resort. But i know you know this.
If you need me, you know i'm here G. Send me a message some time. Only if you want.
I dont have any plans to in the immediate future. Im just so fucking tired. Everything just got so heavy all at once. Trying to mold my life into the kind of one id want to live at this point feels like trying to pull off a good score on the SAT after being asleep at your desk for 3 1/2 hrs. I can get certain things right, but logistically it just feels impossible. Not being in pain would be a good start, but as the doctor reminded me, “its degenerative”. Its not going to magically go away. And having to reframe my expectations to being uncomfortable and in pain from now on, all because i got fucked up and just let myself deteriorate for a decade- is its own flavor of depressing.
I get that drinking and smoking weed is def skirting the “relapse” issue, but at this point i think i would legitimately rather kill myself than do that whole thing again. It killed a lot of pain nd anxiety, sure, but it also tipped the scale towards shame and guilt. Not that i dont feel those things now. Just not as much as i did when i was being a total leech and hurting people. It took me 13 years to even begin to get out of that hole. Even know seems kinda like a lost cause. I cant imagine being 45 or 50 and having to start everything all over again. Time is the thing that freaks me out most now, having wasted so much of it, knowing that there are certain windows for things. Doing heroin again would pretty much be the same thing as pulling the trigger.
But yeah im just trying to figure out anything to stay sane right now. Im just so fucking out of it.
Thanks fam -
2020-05-10 at 11:17 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Get off that bus edition
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2020-05-10 at 11:15 AM UTC in The Recovery Thread (The Other TRT)I dont process much anymore. I kinda just react to things. But im still always of two minds. One- Id prefer to not “need” anything to be okay. Id rather just be okay. Two- short of being okay, i want to not be miserable all the time. Its a constant back and forth n its exhausting.
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2020-05-10 at 11:12 AM UTC in Ineffable reality texturesIm sure i have some childhood ones but id have to dredge them up.
My grandfathers cologne. Geoffrey Beene -Grey Flannel. He had this deep texan drawl when hed say stuff like PEE-CAWNS. He was emotionally distant, clumsy, clinical but warm, with big, rough engineers hands. His house was fascinating, not because it was fun, but because it was like a time capsule. It felt almost not lived in. One old box wheatabix. Tile and wallpaper and sickly orange carpeting and sofa from the 70s. Wood paneled everything. Everything orderly and in place, drilled and consistent after years in the army in germany and then 40 years at NASA. the house justfelt very....functional. Not many records. No movies. Only technical manuals for books. Fountain pens. 4 or 5 pieces of jedielry, including the hand tooled silver and onyx ring i would take from the little wooden box when he died. An ancient, never used IBM computer in the corner under a thick dusty vynil cover (which to my dismay would not play any games), Everything Smelled like wood and WD-40. The garage where he kept the impala and the datsun. Smelled much like his fathers- my great grandfathers- machine shop back in baton rouge. Kerosene and rags and machine oil. Old, well worn american made metal tools. Id sit in the window of the room where my mom and uncle grew up, and watch a cardinal alight on the branches of the tremendous pecan tree, a little flash of color against the pasadena sky. A small box with moth eaten dolls, yellowed mcdonalds toys and a bent slinky to pass the time. It wasnt an unhappy place, but you could feel the lonesomeness so heavy there like some gravitational anomaly. A melancholy like an inherited ghost that id see in my family and myself years afterwards. -
2020-05-10 at 10:48 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Get off that bus editionIts the shadow on the left. It creates a weird optical illusion that makes it look like his jaw is bulging out
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2020-05-10 at 10:44 AM UTC in The Recovery Thread (The Other TRT)So yeah i started drinking again. Or idk if i should even call it that. I drank again for the first time in 2 years a week or so ago. Drank a couple beers and a vodka soda, felt nice. drank 6 more beers and the rest of the bottle, didnt feel extra nice. Wad disappointed. Got another bottle and mixers to deink again tonight, but just ended up having a few beers with my thai food and calling it a night. Idk. Its hard for me to do anything to excess anymore and feel good about it. I figured wanting to put a bullet in my brain is as good an excuse as any to do what i want. i look forward to taking my gabapentin and meager 4mg methadone every day, but only bc its the one time of day im not in pain and discomfort and i can lay there and just close my eyes without my body screaming at me. I still have 1000 mg or so of methadone stashed. Ive had it for years. It occurred to me itd be nice to feel that way more often, but i never did it. I guess i realized that what i WANT to be clean...or....idk. Whatever this is. I want to be clearheaded. I dont want to be sketchy and ashamed of myself. I want to be self sufficient and unselfish. I just dont want any of that life anymore. The only reason it still feels tempting at all is because of the TRAPPINGS of control, strength, success, financial well being- etc - that i felt. But theres other ways to do that without scooping myself out inside.
Anyway. I still feel like dogshit. Not quite as bad as i did a few weeks ago, but still pretty awful. I declined hydrocodone for the 3 root canals bc im pretty sure it wont even do anything so why bother. The gabapentin seems to work a bit for my depression/anxiety too, but thats another can of worms. Idk. I kinda didnt want to take anything at all, but there needs to be something in between total, stubborn abstinence and pleasure seeking addict behavior. Balance. Maybe im fooling myself to think i can do that, but i dont think so. Then again I didnt think a lot of things.
Anyway- so thats that. Still depressed. Still hurting, Still lonely. Still broke. Still fucking exhausted with everything, and kinda dont see a way out of this, but its turned down from a 9 to a 7.
Be easy space negroes. -
2020-05-10 at 9:36 AM UTC in What are you listening to right now, space nigga?all i want for my birthday is the dandelion gum bubblegum vynil godammnit
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2020-05-10 at 4:43 AM UTC in Let’s see what really happened, shall weanother recent victim of white supremacy RIP
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2020-05-10 at 4:33 AM UTC in 500 Hundred Days of AprilHe bought his sexy spartan costume for nothing. All hail king leon
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2020-05-10 at 4:28 AM UTC in 500 Hundred Days of AprilI admire ur pozitive thinking
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2020-05-10 at 4:23 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Get off that bus editionIm trying very hard because the rest of me is really gross lol
The dog wins everything tho. His name is Guy and hes jacked n hes from SETH EFRIKA -
2020-05-10 at 4:22 AM UTC in New surveillance footage shows Armed Robbery walking around construction site
Originally posted by aldra So far what I've gleaned:
Tyrone is casing and robbing several homes and construction sites in the area
Cleetus and his son spot him running from the construction site, tell him to stop, pull guns, and he charges them down instead of running away
He actually drops tools as he's running
Cleetus doesn't open fire until Tyrone actually makes contact with him, shooting him in the hand as Tyrone tries to take the gun
Follows up with 2-3 shots to centre mass
Depending on how you view 'citizen's arrest', it seems to me Cleetus didn't really do anything wrong
This. Except the only thing that got me was the tools looked like they were way out of the path he was jogging. Guess he couldve hucked them but didnt look like it from the video. I had to slow down n rewind a few times to see if i could see anything. The first time i heard hammer in the road i was like "the father n son couldve just placed them on the ground from their truck". But upon watching, they were nowhere near the truck. -
2020-05-10 at 4:14 AM UTC in lil sportys mysterious rendezvous with warren jeffswas that the dude that facilitated the rape and arranged marriage of a bunch of 10 year olds?
someone get wariat in here -
2020-05-10 at 4:12 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Get off that bus editioni think this is as far own asi can go without seeing my gross scalp
also heres a dog
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2020-05-10 at 3:56 AM UTC in Free live jiu-jitsu lesson
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2020-05-10 at 3:54 AM UTC in What are you doing at the momentIve been withdrawing from opiates and taking testosterone. U know my dick is already blistered to hell homie.
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2020-05-10 at 3:51 AM UTC in Let’s see what really happened, shall we
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2020-05-10 at 3:50 AM UTC in I have decided to end my relationship with DTE
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2020-05-10 at 3:48 AM UTC in New surveillance footage shows Armed Robbery walking around construction site
Originally posted by Technologist Yeah I was pretty sure the detectives didn’t say that. When you said “they’ve”, I got that impression.
Well yeah ofc theyre not going to say that. They cant say that. The defense would have a field day. But you dont arrest someone who's been free for almost 3 months- 2 days after the video goes viral- because some new evidence just happened to come to light in that 48 hrs. I mean anything is possible. But so are flying pigs.
