Adding another shrine to my mourning room. Looking at hypnosis tracks for grief. It's strange how it's different every time. The first time I couldn't stop screaming for half an hour, with my dad I just became disturbed, dyslexic and angry. I don't know what this is but I have a feeling it will be like the trainwreck of 2018 and I will dissociate at some point.
2023-04-10 at 6:46 PM UTC
in
Sophie: Where are you?
Scron you should just ignore him. I'm sure everyone's aware he's mentally ill.
I thought I'd want to do stuff with my last week alive but I don't. I kinda want to wear my purple game over 666 dress with ripped leggings for some reason.
2023-04-10 at 1:47 PM UTC
in
Goodbye secrets
That was one of my most depressing diaries but also a persona so I didn't want to part with it. The person I was when I was with Sil.
I didn't think this would be my cause of death. I guess I'm fine with it though. I'm finally happy with my appearance and don't want to get older. If my favourite people aren't on earth then I don't want to be either, so I'm not scared. Today will be spent burning my diaries.
It's so eery my brain making me believe lies to feel better and I can't question them because it happens when I'm asleep. Idek if my feelings for Daniel are real or part of a defence mechanism.
Waiting to feel emotional so I can phone the GP about zopiclone. I must have had another reprogramming dream last night -_-
2023-04-10 at 8:58 AM UTC
in
Sophie: Where are you?
Missing someone isn't an excuse to doxx them and I'm sure this is exactly what a malicious person would want, a witch hunt to find Sophie.
We have to accept he's dead and stop trying to look for him.
2023-04-10 at 8:14 AM UTC
in
Sophie: Where are you?
He never wanted me to have his Github for security reasons. You've put him at risk.
2023-04-09 at 10:01 PM UTC
in
Sophie: Where are you?
I spent like five hours today making a playlist of songs he's posted here. I often do this for people because it's like having a piece of their soul in a playlist but never over the course of one day or with more than 30 songs. I'm at 77 atm. I don't want to go down this path of grief.
2023-04-09 at 9:51 PM UTC
in
Sophie: Where are you?
I'm going to try and get zopiclone from my GP tomorrow because of grief, then I'm going to off myself in a hotel next week. I'm conflicted about it because I have a lot of interests but I know I will just suffer every day and too many bad things have happened to me.
I felt fine this morning then out of the blue just switched. I almost phoned Lifeline but thankfully my phone was dead. I forgot it was Easter, didn't eat today then just zoned out it's 9pm and I haven't got dressed yet.
Idk if I'm feeling grief or not because it's been different every time. All I know is I'm ready to die and don't know why I'm going to England to do it, where my ex gf resides. I don't want to see her. I've stayed in the hotel before so maybe it's a comfort thing but I have had breakdowns there. Ig I feel like I can't go anywhere else, it's a dark place for me so that's what suits my state of mind.
I had a cute dream about Daniel and woke up wondering if I really loved Sophie or his knowledge. Ik my brain is trying to make me feel better but it's a problem if it's making me believe different lies every night. I hate lies. This is why I'm not religious, I don't want to accept lies for comfort.
