I remember this guy saying I had balls for doing that but idk if it counts if you don't recognise danger. At the time, at that bus depot, when I was walking toward the chavs I was just thinking about the law of attraction, that if anything happened to me it was my fault for feeling fear. I was tryna control da fear.
Den der was Den. I don't wanna talk about him another Gemini that freaks out if you call him his birth name Dennis
Den der was Richard, some guys bullying him nd I threw a can of Fanta at them. Den der was Sophie i didn't turn on him for a year.
It freaks me out that all the guys I've been involved with were skaters. Apparently they're meant to be scumbags and I hope I'm not attracted to that.
"I guess I have to talk about it at some point. Maybe that will help. I have PTSD from events in December 2016. I've put off talking about it because it's disgusting, I don't want to think about it and if I tell someone they may just feel schadenfreude.
Ok so I used to hang out at a phoney friend's house and so did this guy. Let's call him T. He was a Gemini and had a girlfriend. I wasn't interested in him. I probably won't recall everything but this is what I can.
Incident 1: He was talking about how he was joining the army and I wouldn't see him again, and he demanded that we cuddle alone in a room and I take my jacket off. No I didn't fall for that or take off my jacket but he just went on and on. A fucking brat. If I ever left the house he would follow me home and I didn't want him to. He would try to make me feel guilty about that as well because he was walking with me in the cold without a coat on.
Incident 2: He and his friend kept phoning me in the middle of the night trying to get me to go to that house. I told them no. It was 1AM. Then they said they were coming for me. It was just him at the door. I had to answer it or he threatened to wake my mum up if I didn't talk with him. She had work the next day and had to get up early. I shut the door on him a few times but he knocked louder. Apparently he had thrown pebbles at my window but I had my earphones in. So, I had to stand outside in the rain and listen to him go on and on for about an hour with the cringyist shit. Saying I was his soulmate, that he hadn't done this for another girl and that he didn't care about his girlfriend. Then I phoned the police. They took half an hour to arrive and he didn't leave until they showed up, but he said he didn't care about the police and that he would be back. This gave me anxiety. So while the police were searching my back garden I tried telling Elena about it. She had been ignoring me and just said that she didn't give a fuck.
This isn't related but it happened in the same time period. This all happened in like three weeks. Things were getting bad with my mum and she hit me, so I phoned the police. I had taken codeine and was throwing up in my front garden when the police took me to go and stay with my control freak auntie. Just for one night. God, I was throwing up in her bathroom and she kept demanding to know why I was throwing up. I told her I had autism and needed to be alone but she just kept asking. Like give me some privacy to throw up. As usual Elena didn't care. The next day my auntie told me I couldn't leave and that she was in charge of me but I got away. The good thing is my mum will never hit me again. If I press charges she'll lose her job as she's a healthcare professional.
Incident 3: I was really stupid for thinking maybe T could be my friend. He was talking to me on FB and I asked if he wanted to go to the park for breakfast and just to talk. But he wanted to go back to that house... I really didn't want to go there but I wanted a friend. I thought if I told him I just wanted to be friends maybe he'd understand. All he did was talk, I mean go on and on. I don't know how many times he called me an asshole for phoning the police on him. I wasn't sorry. He was like "you're an asshole and I only deal with you because you're super attractive". I really wanted to go home but he went on and on about just watching a movie for 15 minutes. I was watching the clock. He wanted to cuddle as well. I'm slow at processing things and didn't know if I wanted to be cuddled or not. The 15 minutes were up but he wouldn't let me leave. Like he trapped me and put his hand under my shirt and corset. He touched my chest... I kept telling him to take his hand away and to let me go and he was just like "the safeword is you screaming for help", "I'm the one in control here". I never agreed to a safeword or any of this and I was not going to let him make me scream. He kissed my head as well. Finally someone came into the room so he let me go, I ran out of the place and never went back there.
It was probably the most vulnerable moment of my life. I wrote about incident 2 on FB but he denied it and other guys accused me of being crazy and lying. At least I know that by denying it he knows it was unacceptable. He's the reason why I bought a stun gun kit off the internet; They're illegal here. I want to make him feel vulnerable. My PTSD won't go away until I've zapped him and kicked his face in but I haven't seen him around.
February 2018
I told Adam about my PTSD and that I couldn't be kissed on the head. I think he thought I was asleep but he kissed my head. He was also a Gemini and I'll never forgive him."
The point is that was the closest thing to romance I've had with a young guy. He was actually what a lot of girls would dream of. I'm not shallow for looks though. I didn't like his personality. I've fallen for ugly people. The first guy I had sex with was a 33yr old meth addict with grey hair and glasses. I go for personality and hygiene. Demisexual people don't give a fuck about looks.
The aspie guy's dorm we moved into was a reject, he legit slept in his clothes and with his glasses on. I felt safer with him there and didn't have sex with the guy.
I was p safe tho. The guy masturbating in the shower was another aspie whom also had a crush on me, and all the other guys left the dorm because they thought we were going to have sex.
Thinking back on it, there were only two male teachers there and could tell we were drunk. Why didn't they make an effort to make sure I was safe?
It was a school residential but I was the only girl and was drinking w them in their dorm room. I still have videos of it, could hear a guy masturbating in the shower shouting fuck. Anyway for my safety I decided we move to the aspie guy's dorm, he was alone and I feel safer with an aspie. He was prob thinking wtf this couple come into his dorm to cuddle.
He really did look like Jesus tho.
He was so vain and I hate ponytails and Geminis now. We were rolling a joint by a window and he just goes "look at how attractive we are" in the reflection he starts touching his face. He also said he cast a love spell on me and that put me off. His mum was Wiccan.
He showed interest since I was 17 and asked me to the formal (prom), we cuddled in bed on a school residential. He didn't molest me until I was 22. So ig that's my young "romance" with a guy.
Ig there's the guy who molested me. He's what a lot of girls would find hot. Skater guy w a ponytail and Jesus face.
When I was 26 I kissed a guy who claimed he was 19 to help him get over some girl. I don't feel a real attraction to guys younger than me tho.
I want another cigarette but am that drunk that I could pass out while it's lit.
