User Controls
The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
-
2015-12-29 at 12:58 AM UTCJust applied for a server position at a shitty resturant. Wish to fuck this town had an IHOP, I made bank working there. Protip: if you have something cool to converse with customers about such as a clydesdale, macaw or other oddity, keep a pic in your order book. That shit earned me a lot of extra tips. Had one regular who love my clydesdale and would tip me 5$ and another 5$ for 'my baby' toget carrots. Also at the time we had a ponderosa lemon tree that produced grapefruit sized lemons. When wed get fruit Id bring them in to serve to customers and theyd be fucking wowed by these giant lemons.
-
2015-12-29 at 2:23 AM UTC
Just applied for a server position at a shitty resturant. Wish to fuck this town had an IHOP, I made bank working there. Protip: if you have something cool to converse with customers about such as a clydesdale, macaw or other oddity, keep a pic in your order book. That shit earned me a lot of extra tips. Had one regular who love my clydesdale and would tip me 5$ and another 5$ for 'my baby' toget carrots. Also at the time we had a ponderosa lemon tree that produced grapefruit sized lemons. When wed get fruit Id bring them in to serve to customers and theyd be fucking wowed by these giant lemons.
If you're female you obviously either pretend to be pregnant or talk about the baby you just had, doesn't hurt to let it slip that the father isn't around and whatnot. Been around enough greasy waitresses for long enough to know. -
2015-12-29 at 4:13 AM UTC
Just applied for a server position at a shitty resturant. Wish to fuck this town had an IHOP, I made bank working there. Protip: if you have something cool to converse with customers about such as a clydesdale, macaw or other oddity, keep a pic in your order book. That shit earned me a lot of extra tips. Had one regular who love my clydesdale and would tip me 5$ and another 5$ for 'my baby' toget carrots. Also at the time we had a ponderosa lemon tree that produced grapefruit sized lemons. When wed get fruit Id bring them in to serve to customers and theyd be fucking wowed by these giant lemons.
Only job I ever had that involved working with "the public" was when I worked an IT help desk for a few days as a favor to a friend who usually did it. Lot of waiting on malware scanners. I was taking some 200 level philosophy course at the time and remember trying to talk to different people about stuff the class covered, I remember the problem of induction being really at the forefront of my mind. With a singular exception everyone I tried to engage was like "I don't get it" or "so what". I guess interesting is subjective but if that's the level the general public is operating at (and it's probably even worse because I was just interacting with college students) then I'm glad to be left out of it.
I mean it's probably my fault for being autistic enough to think anyone gives a shit about phil101, I'm sure they don't, but I feel like we've lost something if we're ready to play plants vs zombies or whatever in place of human conversation about subjects which, by definition, are relevant to us all. -
2015-12-29 at 5:09 AM UTC
​
About the 16 minute mark
Unless they got that from one of those school shooters or something
Damn, Angels Don't Kill is a fucking awesome song
Lol, that's originally from American Psycho, the novel: ​http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/2270060-american-psychoYou're really starting to fucking lose it completely, Malice
How many times have you said that, PoC? I never had it to begin with.
Regardless, I'm genuinely considering being hospitalized soon. Appointment with psych changed to late January. If I regain the ability to function, regain myself, including the ability to interact with others, I'll either be on the path to a healthy life, it may give me the energy and drive to go through with a suicide plan, or I may become an absolute monster. 12 years without meaningful human relationships, experience, devoid of intimacy and human warmth, driving myself to an incredible level of isolation, alienation, and disillusionment. Can you imagine what that does to you? That is not an exaggeration, there is nothing there, and I did it to myself, I made myself alone.“I had all the characteristics of a human being—flesh, blood, skin, hair—but my depersonalization was so intense, had gone so deep, that my normal ability to feel compassion had been eradicated, the victim of a slow, purposeful erasure. I was simply imitating reality, a rough resemblance of a human being, with only a dim corner of my mind functioningâ€
This is genuinely what I did. I realized that I had not been experiencing conscious reality normally to begin with, what had always felt off. It was the human element, the emotional coloring of the world, the sense of connection, empathy. There are so many things I've never experienced, just about anything that requires other people IRL. I last had a friend in middle school, and even then it wasn't a particularly close friendship, it was in a time before they had much depth. I recall still playing tag in what was likely 5th grade. Outside of school I never did a thing with friends. My parents didn't love each other, they felt uninvolved, there wasn't a sense of warmth. It was a poor environment to begin with, and my predispositions only made it worse.
Thinking back, the lack of intimacy, never learning to love and connect with others, really fucked me up. I genuinely wanted to exterminate the human race, I spent countless hours just ruminating on the problems I saw, what I disliked, about the world, other people, working myself into a violent fury just through thoughts. I've done...questionable things, had among the worst thoughts and desires you could have. Fortunately I never made the mistake of hurting anyone.
Am I naturally evil, psychopathic, or just wounded? Did I ever have the capacity to begin with, is it too late now? You definitely don't go through something like this without developing...abnormally, being incredibly damaged. There's still immense inner turmoil, contradictory desires and traits, a lifetime of thoughts and habits that have been ingrained, (self-)destructive, negative, tendencies that have to be attempted to be undone.
Then there's everything that comes from a lifetime being spent inside your head. No small talk, no mundane matters, just a constant stream of rumination, deconstructing, abstracting, systemizing, and overanalyzing everything into oblivion. You have no idea how deep this runs, how far down this rabbit hole goes. Will I ever see the world again, be able to be a part of it and happy, love other people?
There's the concept of "cyclic psychopathy" I spoke about before. From an evolutionary viewpoint, the evolutionary theories of depression, it makes perfect sense. You're in a position of weakness and one of the changes it causes is an increase in empathy to build ties with other, illicit reciprocal altruism, pro-social behavior to be (re)accepted into the tribe/group, build relationships, friendships, alliances, other ties, for help and support, because humans evolved to function in a group, to be social creatures, because that's what gave them, by far, the best chance at survival, being cast out, separated, a death sentence, so you evolve a response to draw you back to others. The dove.
But what if you are naturally a hawk and once you recover you return to being near zero empathy? I could attempt to fight against it, to develop genuine empathy, care/concern for others, but it may not work. People will still be people, the world will still be the world, and everything that's occurred, become so ingrained over so long and such a critical period, will still be there. But what if this time I am unchained, and everything that's been holding me back has been removed. With the most powerful antidepressant regimen, intensive therapy, every symptom of depression gone, able to interact naturally with others, manipulate them to my ends, maneuver through the world, life, with ease; getting to the point where I could even be said to be a very high functioning person compared even to others. I've thought that if I returned to being a malicious monster, it may be best to simply be put down, but in that state I doubt I'll feel that way and desire that, go through with it.
Will I unleash more chaos, pain and suffering, than anyone in history, that only an idealized, perfected, version of myself could enact, functioning at my full potential? Will I hate the world, life, human beings, with all my heart, see nothing in this world I want to spare, and take everyone down with me?
I don't know how this is going to end.His Casper rant was a little out there.
I sent that bastard a heartfelt email, even tried to text him, and he didn't respond. Unless he changed emails and numbers since last year. If he read it and ignored me I'll tear apart every aspect of his being and drive him to suicide. -
2015-12-29 at 6:05 AM UTCThis is what adderall did to me when I was 13
http://youtu.be/J5-tf_A1HMY
i was more amusing back then -
2015-12-29 at 6:19 AM UTC
This is what adderall did to me when I was 13
http://youtu.be/J5-tf_A1HMY
i was more amusing back then
Looks more like a lack of adderall to me -
2015-12-29 at 6:30 AM UTCThe adderall gave me the ability to make semi amusing satire
-
2015-12-29 at 9:03 AM UTCLanny, what's your favorite thing to do, or just the most enjoyable thing you've done in the past, with IRL friends? Just curious what intelligent people in major metropolitan areas do. I literally have zero social experience, none. Ultra-autist level.
It's like, I'm not sure if at times I genuinely came to the realization of what was missing from my life that made it worth living, enjoyable, for normal people, or if it was only speculative, that it seemed mundane, but was essentially akin to a vital piece of nutrition for psychological well being, or if it was something that I may not realistically be able to bring myself to enjoy, similar to the very low brow things proles are captivated by, the mainstream society I'm completely isolated from, or that there's really nothing there for me and I may have permanently ruined the world for myself by going too deep into the void/abyss.
It reminds me of something McKenna may have said about DMT and the phenomena of the "elves" diving into your chest, that when they're doing this they're experiencing entire human lifetimes. Like, what if I was able to do this and was like, "That was it? That's what I was missing? That's all there is?".
Maybe I should read Michell's 1900 page suicide note: https://web.archive.org/web/20141010213832/http://www.suicidenote.info/ebook/suicide_note.pdf#pagemode=bookmarks&page=1 -
2015-12-29 at 10:46 AM UTCPoC, let's become roommates.
-
2015-12-29 at 12:08 PM UTCIn the past I repeatedly had terrible, dark, thoughts throughout life. I don't know if I would have actually been able to go through with it, if dealing with my deficits would allow me to fulfill my desires, or if it's something I'm not naturally inclined for, that I wouldn't enjoy it, and it may haunt me for the rest of my life, at least during my weaker moments.
I feel I should fight against it, even if I feel that it's becoming my natural desire again, because I know it won't bring lasting happiness and will lead to my self-destruction. Unless the latter is what I desire. I don't know if I could love someone, engage in the positive behaviors that lead to a happy life, and also be capable of having this incredibly dark aspect of my life hidden.
I'm not lying when I said I'm practically crippled. I really did incredible damage to myself, I didn't understand the extent of what I was doing at the time and had very different thoughts on life than the vast majority of people. Even at my peak, I was only functioning at a fraction of my capacity, and I'm afraid I could recover at a frightening pace while the psychological issues, which have become ingrained, cemented, through continuous rumination, countless repetitions from a lifetime spent inside my mind, and a rigidity of thought, will still be unresolved. A dangerous skewed development, mismatch.
I've long had a brutally honest view of myself, the sad reality of my state, the hopelessness, what can realistically be salvaged. I'm certain that if I was able to attain the ability to function near my full capacity and decided to set my mind to it, was captured by a new madness (my previous one being a decade + stint of self imposed isolation) I could go full kaczynski and become the greatest mass murdered of all times. I've had horrific ideas, some I haven't thought about for a long time are coming back, it frightens me where my mind went, and that I genuinely desired this at the time. I may not be able to retain control of myself. With a few months of preparation and resources feasibly within my reach the death tolls could realistically reach 100,000+.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_WhitmanAt 6:45, Whitman began typing his suicide note, a portion of which read:
I do not quite understand what it is that compels me to type this letter. Perhaps it is to leave some vague reason for the actions I have recently performed. I do not really understand myself these days. I am supposed to be an average reasonable and intelligent young man. However, lately (I cannot recall when it started) I have been a victim of many unusual and irrational thoughts.[37]
Whitman wrote that he requested an autopsy be conducted upon his body, to determine if there was a biological reason for his actions and increasing headaches. He also wrote that he had decided to kill both his mother and wife. Expressing uncertainty about his reasons, he stated he wanted to relieve his wife and mother from the suffering of this world and to save them the embarrassment of his actions. He did not mention planning the attack at the university.[38]
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charle...lly_Commission
May god help us all. As time has gone on, the more I've read, the self-awareness I've gained, introspection I've engaged in, the more I've realized how little control I really have over this biological vessel. This outcome, my current state in life, is simply the output from the inputs. I failed to maintain control over myself through sheer will power and immense efforts at self-improvement, chemical interventions and discipline, I cannot realistically believe I would be able to retain control if the limiters on my behavior, my capacity, were to be released.
At the very least I've documented enough of it that the trail could be found and an understanding of what led to this could be reached. Hopefully it would prevent anyone from ever going down the same path again. -
2015-12-29 at 3:12 PM UTCHey buddie, have a hug. :)
-
2015-12-29 at 3:16 PM UTCI want to leave Europe because we will be the battleground of WW3. Can someone here give me a job so I can get a Visa (Greencard?)? I'm a certified sales administrator and I can do all sorts of hard labor, too. Farm work etc.
-
2015-12-29 at 3:21 PM UTCI have 1,123 messages in my inbox, Lanny. Go and fuck yourself.
-
2015-12-29 at 5:32 PM UTCFucking cunts. The girl who fucked up my son's dick called the other day and apologized- christmas day her stepdad attacked her, cops were called he was arrested and dcf was involved because the kids live there. Anyway, I asked her if she would be going to town anytime soon. She said yeah, tomorrow, I asked if I could go with her ao I could put money on my prepaid electric account- if not Im going to be without power in the next few days. She said sure, Ill get you innthe morning ans then made sure to ask if I had gas money (which is kind og fucked if youre going town anyway, Id never ask gas money if I had gas or it wasnt out of my way, she goes right by my house to town, her detour would be a whole 300fet), I say yes. So waiting around, ready with the baby, she doesnt call and its getting near noon ans she said hed be going before then so I call her 'yeah, im not in a good mood, Im not going anywhwr except my friends house, ill take you some other time in a week or 2’... I explain about the electricity ans she says 'oh give me the money and Ill put it on your account, she lives right near there in town' well, I have to get money off my prepaid AMEX card my check was deposited on and that involves going to walmart, buying something and returning it with the recipt, all because the faggots at the electric company dont take AMEX and to ise an ATM costs me 5$, not including the ATMS own fees. 'Ohh... gah, give me time to think about it' all shitty like. This is the same girl I gave 100$ worth of christmas gifts to 2 years agobwhen she had nothing, her family had abandoned her and she was 7 months pregnant and she didnt have any money to buy her son gifts. Ive also helped her in other ways too when I was better off. The worst part is, is shes going right whee I need to go, fuck, she could drop me off at the library and Id wait til she goes home from her friends if that was the problem. Im really tight for money, I have enough to keep the power on, because my freezer thawed with all my food and the babies milk Im going to have to pawn something to replace his milk, Imm be managing on whats in the other freezer and some dry goods, and I need to get tires for the teuck and called the DMV today and found out its gonna be like 400$ for title and registration. Fuck my life.
-
2015-12-29 at 8:41 PM UTC
In the past I repeatedly had terrible, dark, thoughts throughout life. I don't know if I would have actually been able to go through with it, if dealing with my deficits would allow me to fulfill my desires, or if it's something I'm not naturally inclined for, that I wouldn't enjoy it, and it may haunt me for the rest of my life, at least during my weaker moments.
I feel I should fight against it, even if I feel that it's becoming my natural desire again, because I know it won't bring lasting happiness and will lead to my self-destruction. Unless the latter is what I desire. I don't know if I could love someone, engage in the positive behaviors that lead to a happy life, and also be capable of having this incredibly dark aspect of my life hidden.
I'm not lying when I said I'm practically crippled. I really did incredible damage to myself, I didn't understand the extent of what I was doing at the time and had very different thoughts on life than the vast majority of people. Even at my peak, I was only functioning at a fraction of my capacity, and I'm afraid I could recover at a frightening pace while the psychological issues, which have become ingrained, cemented, through continuous rumination, countless repetitions from a lifetime spent inside my mind, and a rigidity of thought, will still be unresolved. A dangerous skewed development, mismatch.
I've long had a brutally honest view of myself, the sad reality of my state, the hopelessness, what can realistically be salvaged. I'm certain that if I was able to attain the ability to function near my full capacity and decided to set my mind to it, was captured by a new madness (my previous one being a decade + stint of self imposed isolation) I could go full kaczynski and become the greatest mass murdered of all times. I've had horrific ideas, some I haven't thought about for a long time are coming back, it frightens me where my mind went, and that I genuinely desired this at the time. I may not be able to retain control of myself. With a few months of preparation and resources feasibly within my reach the death tolls could realistically reach 100,000+.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_Whitman
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charle...lly_Commission
May god help us all. As time has gone on, the more I've read, the self-awareness I've gained, introspection I've engaged in, the more I've realized how little control I really have over this biological vessel. This outcome, my current state in life, is simply the output from the inputs. I failed to maintain control over myself through sheer will power and immense efforts at self-improvement, chemical interventions and discipline, I cannot realistically believe I would be able to retain control if the limiters on my behavior, my capacity, were to be released.
At the very least I've documented enough of it that the trail could be found and an understanding of what led to this could be reached. Hopefully it would prevent anyone from ever going down the same path again.
By the way, you're so melodramatic it hurts sometimes Mal Mal. -
2015-12-30 at 3:53 AM UTCHey Malice, just wait until HR 4269 inexplicably passes in a couple months and you'll be able to kill as many government dipshits as you please once the rebellion starts. I get the feeling that the south won't lose this time.
-
2015-12-30 at 4:16 AM UTC
Fucking cunts. The girl who fucked up my son's dick called the other day and apologized- christmas day her stepdad attacked her, cops were called he was arrested and dcf was involved because the kids live there. Anyway, I asked her if she would be going to town anytime soon. She said yeah, tomorrow, I asked if I could go with her ao I could put money on my prepaid electric account- if not Im going to be without power in the next few days. She said sure, Ill get you innthe morning ans then made sure to ask if I had gas money (which is kind og fucked if youre going town anyway, Id never ask gas money if I had gas or it wasnt out of my way, she goes right by my house to town, her detour would be a whole 300fet), I say yes. So waiting around, ready with the baby, she doesnt call and its getting near noon ans she said hed be going before then so I call her 'yeah, im not in a good mood, Im not going anywhwr except my friends house, ill take you some other time in a week or 2’… I explain about the electricity ans she says 'oh give me the money and Ill put it on your account, she lives right near there in town' well, I have to get money off my prepaid AMEX card my check was deposited on and that involves going to walmart, buying something and returning it with the recipt, all because the faggots at the electric company dont take AMEX and to ise an ATM costs me 5$, not including the ATMS own fees. 'Ohh… gah, give me time to think about it' all shitty like. This is the same girl I gave 100$ worth of christmas gifts to 2 years agobwhen she had nothing, her family had abandoned her and she was 7 months pregnant and she didnt have any money to buy her son gifts. Ive also helped her in other ways too when I was better off. The worst part is, is shes going right whee I need to go, fuck, she could drop me off at the library and Id wait til she goes home from her friends if that was the problem. Im really tight for money, I have enough to keep the power on, because my freezer thawed with all my food and the babies milk Im going to have to pawn something to replace his milk, Imm be managing on whats in the other freezer and some dry goods, and I need to get tires for the teuck and called the DMV today and found out its gonna be like 400$ for title and registration. Fuck my life.
Well, you shouldn't have been incredibly irresponsible and illogical, bringing a child into the world in the situation you were in, which you clearly weren't ready for, not in terms of how well you could raise it, but in terms of your position in life, your financial situation, the environment you were in/people in your life. Nope, you had to give in to your biological instinct, something we normally constantly fight against because of the destructive effects simply going on impulse, not reigning in our natural desires, would have, like countless other women. You gave in to your ticking biological clock for completely irrational reasons (it "ruined my life" the last time I had an abortion), like countless other women, like a filthy animal, and now this is the state you're in, likely going to be a burden on everyone else, force everyone else to subsidize you and your child's existence for likely at least a decade or two.
I don't care if you're grateful for him and glad you had him, that's not what I'm arguing against. Of course you are, because it satisfies your own selfish desires, but that still doesn't mean you should have done it considering the situation you were in. The fuck's wrong with you? Most of this wasn't out of your control, you weren't purely a victim of your environment, unfortunate circumstances, it was a long series of bad decisions that led to this, and considering your past behavior, you're likely going to keep committing these mistakes. Hopefully motherhood will change you, make you more responsible and really realize how important your decisions are since they now also impact someone other than yourself, someone dependent on you.
Fucking women, I swear. I hate this goddamn world.
By the way, you're so melodramatic it hurts sometimes Mal Mal.
What if I wasn't being melodramatic? There are fucked up people in the world, with fucked up lives. You grew up in a fairly good area, with a fairly good life, family friends, outcome (education, job). I'm not saying your life is perfect, although I don't know how many of the problems in your life you may ultimately be responsible, just that you may not have a very good reference point, be able to really relate. This isn't an instance of calling out "privilege", feeling envy or shaming you, you should know I despise that behavior and don't engage in it, it's good that you're fortunate.
But, just imagine, what if everything I've said is 100% accurate, and this is only an overview, that you, realistically, can't understand the full reality of the situation I'm in, of what's occurred, the horror and suffering in it, being haunted by your past and likely having to attempt to make up for it for the rest of your life, a lifetime of human experience being unable to be fully conveyed? What if this is much worse than it seems, and runs deeper than you could imagine?
I'm incredibly fucked up. I've accepted it, come to terms with it. My base state is an unchanging feeling that I don't want to be alive or a part of this world, my ability to experience pleasure, happiness, has been destroyed, but I still trudge on for my own reasons, having decided to attempt to surpass this. Under a month to go, guaranteed this time. The countdown to the beginning of the next major chapter in my life where we'll begin to see how this may turn out. -
2015-12-30 at 7:19 AM UTC
Lanny, what's your favorite thing to do, or just the most enjoyable thing you've done in the past, with IRL friends? Just curious what intelligent people in major metropolitan areas do. I literally have zero social experience, none. Ultra-autist level.
I mean there are different types of enjoyable. "Sex" is probably the most literal answer in pure hedonic terms.
I remember spending summer afternoons with a pair of technical friends programming, we'd often start a given session with trying to solve a randomly selected problem from a "interview questions" book which was pretty fun/challenging if not really representative of what gets asked on the majority of interviews these days. I also used to hang around both the CS lab and the "philosophy lab", the latter of which was just a room with a coffee pot and a bunch of couches where people shot the shit, sometimes drank, and sometimes talked about philosophy. All three of those things were a lot of fun in their own way, probably the realest way, intellectually challenging and generally unexpected.
All those things require a particular interest though. If you're looking for something fun though you should go to a concert, live music is a great way to interact with new people. There's a social script you can follow and be fine but it's still human interaction. We've all had some level of social isolation, when I've felt most anxious about dealing with other people I've found the experience of seeing a show to be kinda cathartic: no real expectations on you but a way to get out in public, acclimate to the presence of other humans. I'm sure things like sporting events would fulfill the same desire, I just enjoy music more. I've been getting into board gaming a bit lately, might be a good choice for you, again a situation where you can act like a robot and be fine but which still involves interaction with people.It's like, I'm not sure if at times I genuinely came to the realization of what was missing from my life that made it worth living, enjoyable, for normal people, or if it was only speculative, that it seemed mundane, but was essentially akin to a vital piece of nutrition for psychological well being, or if it was something that I may not realistically be able to bring myself to enjoy, similar to the very low brow things proles are captivated by, the mainstream society I'm completely isolated from, or that there's really nothing there for me and I may have permanently ruined the world for myself by going too deep into the void/abyss.
Thinkers who, by all available evidence, were much smarter, further removed from the proles, than you are found a lot of meaning in social interaction, human relationships.Going by the facts it seems likely this is something you could almost trivially overcome given the earnest desire to do so.It reminds me of something McKenna may have said about DMT and the phenomena of the "elves" diving into your chest, that when they're doing this they're experiencing entire human lifetimes. Like, what if I was able to do this and was like, "That was it? That's what I was missing? That's all there is?".
What if it was the opposite? Like what if you realized the mundane life was deeply meaningful, happy, and fulfilling? I mean you don't even have to be a DMT elf to do that right? You've tried the social isolation thing for a good while now. You're free to try out the alternative and see how it compares. It's not like sociability is an essential trait of people, it's something we're all born without and develop in a few short years. It's only your own sense of dramatics that holds you back from experiencing a different way of living. -
2015-12-30 at 7:24 AM UTC
What if I wasn't being melodramatic? There are fucked up people in the world, with fucked up lives. You grew up in a fairly good area, with a fairly good life, family friends, outcome (education, job). I'm not saying your life is perfect, although I don't know how many of the problems in your life you may ultimately be responsible, just that you may not have a very good reference point, be able to really relate. This isn't an instance of calling out "privilege", feeling envy or shaming you, you should know I despise that behavior and don't engage in it, it's good that you're fortunate.
But, just imagine, what if everything I've said is 100% accurate, and this is only an overview, that you, realistically, can't understand the full reality of the situation I'm in, of what's occurred, the horror and suffering in it, being haunted by your past and likely having to attempt to make up for it for the rest of your life, a lifetime of human experience being unable to be fully conveyed? What if this is much worse than it seems, and runs deeper than you could imagine?
I'm incredibly fucked up. I've accepted it, come to terms with it. My base state is an unchanging feeling that I don't want to be alive or a part of this world, my ability to experience pleasure, happiness, has been destroyed, but I still trudge on for my own reasons, having decided to attempt to surpass this. Under a month to go, guaranteed this time. The countdown to the beginning of the next major chapter in my life where we'll begin to see how this may turn out.
It's not that i don't understand Malice, and i believe you when you say that what you describe is actually how you feel. But you do have a flair for the dramatic in your writing style, just sayin'. -
2015-12-30 at 10:43 AM UTC
“I had all the characteristics of a human being—flesh, blood, skin, hair—but my depersonalization was so intense, had gone so deep, that my normal ability to feel compassion had been eradicated, the victim of a slow, purposeful erasure. I was simply imitating reality, a rough resemblance of a human being, with only a dim corner of my mind functioningâ€
Do you remember when I went to that occupy event in a klan costume? Risky, stimulant, high level trolling. Know why I didn't do something like that again? Because I didn't feel a thing. Afterward, during a shroom trip, I reflected on it and felt beneath everyone. Being hated, ostracism, wasn't what I desired, it was a recurring theme I had been trying to suppress, desperately trying to find some alternative to the need for human relationships due to various deep seeded reasons, a lifetime of picking at flaws, all the predispositions, the thoughts and behaviors that had become cemented.
Autistic predispositions: extremely low empathy (vicarious experiencing of emotions), the emotional coloring of the world is greatly dampened, the feeling of connection to others, the world around you, something larger than yourself. Natural tendency to isolate, natural desire for socialization is very low to begin with (extreme introversion), social activity is difficult, even painful, due to various factors (deficits in processing information related to social behavior, emotions/expressions, sensory gating problems, excessive synapses, neuroinflammation, gaba/glutamate imbalance causing endogenous pervasive anxiety and contributing to sensory overload), yet you still suffer the detrimental effects of isolation, a lack of belonging, low social status (interesting research on the biological effects this triggers).
I left my family at 18 with just a note, never spoke to them again. It was a really fucked up thing to do. I genuinely didn't feel a thing or think about them until I broke down around two years ago, which triggered a natural surge in empathy and feelings of guilt from being in a strong depressive state. What kind of person decides they don't want to have human relationships at age 13 and then goes through with it until the breaking point? I had very different ideas about life from what was normal, and unfortunately they were not ones that led to happiness. Who goes 5 years without speaking to anyone more than necessary, averaging under 10 words a day, because you develop such a detached ideology about life?
There were other instances I could share that only demonstrate how deep my level of detachment had become. At this point I genuinely cannot feel anything, and have really been this way for years. I don't want to feel this way, who would?, it's simply the outcome of attempting to live an inhuman life in a human body.
That is why I don't want to attempt things like this until I receive treatment. This changes you, neurological changes don't instantly disappear with a good night out. I have severe anhedonia, I never developed normally from a complete lack of meaningful human relationships, human experience, a lack of natural social skills and desire to socialize (I could follow a program, but would still need practice to refine it), all the other damage that's occurred from my unfortunate life. I simply am not there. I cannot feel a thing. If you were to meet me, you would understand. I'm not trying to feel like this, I really desperately wanted to feel something, which is why I did some of the things I did, but there was nothing there. It sounds defeatist, but it's reality. All the people offering suggestions, the ideas they'd have of taking me out for a night on the town, it would not be able to get through to me at this point, and would only leave them feeling...
God, I actually remember years ago reading about anhedonia and what it would be like to experience it. And here I am. No experiences of positive emotion, no ability to experience pleasure. Are you familiar with the concept of hedonic adaption? It turns out even cancer patients bedridden in a hospital eventually adjust fairly quickly and don't register much below their natural baseline of happiness. What goes so profoundly wrong that you're experiencing less joy (none) than they are?
Well, I figured it out. It's funny, with my strong hereditarian stance, which could be misconstrued as "biological determinism", the importance of genes, biology, I came to realize. Knowing what I know now, if I had been told the imputs, this is exactly the output I would have expected, except I may have predicted suicide or homelessness at this point, possibly insanity or a long term stay in a psychiatric ward. Only my immense intervention kept me from degrading to that point.
