2019-05-20 at 1:06 AM UTC
i found something better to do
2019-05-20 at 1:07 AM UTC
gadzooks
Dark Matter
[keratinize my mild-tasting blossoming]
Psychotic break from reality.
2019-05-20 at 1:08 AM UTC
gadzooks
Dark Matter
[keratinize my mild-tasting blossoming]
Too busy fighting crime in a bat costume.
2019-05-20 at 1:09 AM UTC
gadzooks
Dark Matter
[keratinize my mild-tasting blossoming]
Was meditating so hard I hit nirvana and had no interest in coming back down.
2019-05-20 at 1:10 AM UTC
gadzooks
Dark Matter
[keratinize my mild-tasting blossoming]
Too hungover, so I decided to keep drinking.
(Actually legitimately 99% of my missed work days IRL).
2019-05-20 at 1:18 AM UTC
gadzooks
Dark Matter
[keratinize my mild-tasting blossoming]
I called up an escort service, and the woman they sent over brought a gun and forced me into a dark colored cargo van. Her and three masked burly men tied me up, blind-folded me, and tossed me in the back of the van.
They then drove for about ~20 minutes, which I estimated from the fact that four and a half songs played on the radio, and I assumed each song would be about 4 minutes long.
I was buried in a shallow dugout in an unknown location.
I remember hearing one of them on the phone asking for ransom money, but I'm pretty sure they mistook me for someone else. I have barely a penny to my name.
I managed to break myself free from the restraints, and, when I saw just the right opportunity, I seized it, and pounced towards one of the kidnappers.
I took his cell phone and used it to call 911, and the police brought me to the hospital, and began questioning me.
However, I recognized the last name the inquiring detective gave me... I had overheard that same name while in the back of the van.
I remained silent for the time being... But as soon as he left the room, I hopped out of the hospital bed and booked it for the rear exit. I made my way down the street a few blocks, and then hailed a cab, and asked the driver to take me to a police precinct the next town over.
Anyway, that's why I missed work today.
I'm still at said precinct figuring shit out.
I might miss a few more days.
Just sayin'.
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2019-05-20 at 2:25 AM UTC
Nil
African Astronaut
[the overexcited four-footed chanar]
"the mud was drying"
"coldn't reach the tenant"
"I need to go to this specialty shop and see if they have the part"
"have you noticed them for entry??"
"[insert random vehicle trouble]"
2019-05-20 at 3:12 AM UTC
Maintenance being done at your apartment.
Have to sign for a package.
Didn’t sleep well.
Allergies.
2019-05-20 at 3:12 AM UTC
Oh yeah and furniture being delivered
2019-05-20 at 3:46 AM UTC
"I'm not coming in today"
2019-05-20 at 3:48 AM UTC
Nil
African Astronaut
[the overexcited four-footed chanar]
"i'm trying to overthrow the capitalists, b back tuesday"
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2019-05-20 at 5:15 AM UTC
"It's a religious holiday where I don't wear clothes and have to maintain an erection all day"
The following users say it would be alright if the author of this
post didn't die in a fire!