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The Retarded Thread: Malice Metro Edition

  1. CASPER Soldier of Fourchin
    Anyway someone was asking about the standup stuff. I had a few things written for my Tinder profiles, since the only time ive created a profile, its been to be as stupid as possible.

    First and formost- I respect the fuck out of bitches. My grandma always said its better to give than receive (which sounds like some BS to me), so since i like gettin my knob gobbled, i will wear your thighs like a set of knockoff Beats by Dre, and go to town on that snatch like the last half melted pint of Ben and Jerrys on Doomsday.

    I am very tall and when i get nervous, i sweat profusely. So when you pick me up, its nbd but you should probably put a towel down on the passengers seat. Take it as a compliment bc if im not glistening and breathing heavily from my mouth, I most likely do not find you sexually desireable, and will hitchhike home as soon as you pay the bill at wherever we happen to be dining.

    I dont have any gym pics bc the last time i was in the gym, the flip phones only had like .5 megapixels, and you couldnt really peep my bulge or muscle definition. Lately the healthiest thing i did was switch to light cigarettes. Dr. Oz scared the fuck outta me the other day, talkin some bullshit so I had grandma swoop me up a Wendy's salad. It was alright i guess but honestly I think I might have an allergy to lettuce or etamommy cuz that stuff gave me hella gas pains.

    Also- I hope to find a mate that shares my entrepreneurial spirits. My uncle basically got me in on the ground floor of his company that distributes health supplements and motivational posters to increase motivation in addition to vitality/connecticut energy. And if for some reason you want a life of luxury and prosperity- for every person you sign up, you get a $20 Subway card and $15% off your next order. Personally im only a Silver Level associate right now, and with my investments, liquid assets are pretty slim but if you could float me like $1200, I can pay you back plus interest once my disability check and frivolous lawsuit comes to fruitation.

    My guiding philosophy is pretty much:

    1. Fight Club
    2.Dont cry
    3.Self improvement
    4.Vengeance and/or Justice
    5.Chemtrails (?)
    6.2nd Commandment activism
    7.Samosa- aka Reincarnation
    8.Real Titties and/or Tastefully Done Fakies im not a hater
    9. NO REGERTS
    10.Poverty
    11.The laughter of children
    12.Ayahuasca/ Ego Death
    13.Stretch Waistbands
    14.Spoken Word Poetry
    15.Honesty
    16. Stop Snitchin'
    17. Batman But In Real Life
    18. Commercials Wit Smelly Lookin cats n Dogs
    19.Living in an RV for Spiritual Reasons: Not Only to Smoke Meth
    20.Being the Life of the Party at High School Parties in Your Late 20's

    Etc.
    The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
  2. DontTellEm Black Hole
    Cigarettes gross.
  3. CASPER Soldier of Fourchin
    Yeah not really big on smokes anymore. Only time I smoke is at the bar to look cool.

    These days just hit the fifty nic vape pen son.

    Jk nicotine is a shit tier drug.
    The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
  4. DontTellEm Black Hole
    Lol everybody smokes, U have to stand out 😋
  5. CASPER Soldier of Fourchin
    In Los Angeles, only the rebels do. Everyone else does SoulCycle and drinks green shit.
  6. CASPER Soldier of Fourchin
    Wtf are you still doing awake, miss? You're going to be late for church.
  7. Technologist victim of incest
    What are you doing up so early Casper? It’s 6:45 in the east! Time to start a new day.
  8. DontTellEm Black Hole
    Lol I work late.
    I love ur list if I wasn't myself 😋
    Or I agree w everything, but hate I am who I am lol.

    Mostly that I'm not in Cali. I live in FL.
  9. CASPER Soldier of Fourchin
    @dtf That was a joke profile I created for a part of my comedy routine. And it's also like 17% accurate.

    @ tech I knoooooow. I verified I'm old and messed my back up working out on Friday. So yesterday I was in bed half the day and now I can't get to sleep.

    Heroin always made bedtime so easy. Gotta give it that. Opiates are an incredible tool for a fucked up sleep cycle. Lol.
  10. Technologist victim of incest
    Marijuana helps with that. In particular indicas! I smoke up after work and before bed. Then I drift off into dream land. Not literally dreams tho. I rarely dream when I’m getting high.

    Plus it sounds like you’re over doing it in the gym. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that!
  11. DontTellEm Black Hole
    I hope u sleep well Casper, relax. Dream easy 🌝💤
  12. CASPER Soldier of Fourchin
    I don't think I was overdoing it. Lol
  13. Technologist victim of incest
    No? I can see you pushing it because you are so hyped to get into shape.
  14. CASPER Soldier of Fourchin
    No I did like 3 sets of 8 barbell curls at 45lbs, cheating half the time, and managed to throw my back out in 15 min. = my current level of fitness lol.
  15. Technologist victim of incest
    Slow steps and proper body mechanics. I’m a huge proponent of proper body mechanics after I tore my back up 3 times lifting patients that were comatose. Talk about dead weight. I rip on my coworkers when their body mechanics are shit.
  16. CASPER Soldier of Fourchin
    Usually I'm good with that until I smoke. Then I'm all loosey-goosey from the weed and end up doing something that hurts for the next week.
  17. computers, depression and drugs
    The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
  18. CASPER Soldier of Fourchin
    Originally posted by inert_observer computers, depression and drugs

    How,d you get the working title of my book?

    Computers, Drugs and Depression: From Adolescence to Oblivion in 21st Century America.
  19. Do you guys know how much of a pain in the nuts it is to make an alt now?

    And I forgot to turn images off so I got to get raped by Bill Krozby again

    Thanks faggots
  20. I forgot about that one FUCK

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