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The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDS
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2017-06-29 at 6:06 AM UTC
Originally posted by RestStop Also while it's on my mind what does everyone think of using magic/demons/spirits to obtain success/wealth/whatever else? Gake and Fay? Possible but damning?
Originally posted by Dargo Eh. There's a chance you could be successful if you go full on 'hail Satan'. Please don't tho.
I went full on "hail Satan" as a teenager, didn't work -
2017-06-29 at 6:15 AM UTC
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2017-06-29 at 6:16 AM UTC
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2017-06-29 at 6:22 AM UTC
Originally posted by 霍比特人 Hey, Mount and Blade is a fucking great game. Warband I assume? Which mod/dlc are you playing? Most my time has been spent in Viking Conquest. I had to reinstall windows a while back though and I lost my good save, which sucks, because i was well on my way to becoming something more than just a fief baron.
vanilla warband, horseman build, swadian start, bow/2h/polearm proficiency.
have like 8 heroes in my party right now, all specced for party skills and mounted combat. focus on wound management, surgery, trade, and pathfinding. the only one i've had leave was bunduk but he's hot garbage anyway. im having trouble getting together the money to equip them all with horses and weapons/armor while also keeping my army maintained and paying their wages which is around 1200 denars per week for a 50~ man war party.
army is focused on mounted units. roughly 3/5 heavy cavalry, 1/5 heavy infantry, and 1/5 archers. the cavalry units are a mixture of the swadian mounted units, mercenaries, slavers, and a couple sword sisters. my infantry units are pretty much all hired blades, mercenary swordsmen, and swadian sargeants. my archers are pretty much just swadian crossbowmen and mercenaries, with a couple watchmen in there. i try to hire as many peasant women, farmers, and manhunters as i can because their upgraded variants are so fucking good.
my party right now absolutely shits on everything and its pretty much over when the cavalry gets to the opposing force unless im up against a nobleman who has me greatly outnumbered. everything that the horsemen dont demolish i clean up, and by the time the infantry gets there almost all the enemies are dead or being routed. even if im being chased by a stronger party on the map, i can always get away because of how fast mine moves from all the mounted units.
also, is there a way i can get a polearm that isnt dogshit? i dont want to use a lance because i cant land couched hits worth a fuck, and even if i could i would need a solid charger to make the most of it. most good 2h/polearm combinations have insane swing damage but trash ass thrust damage and that combined with their low speed makes them shit for someone who pretty much is always fighting from a saddle. i had to compromise on something 2h, at least decent weapon reach and speed, while also doing good damage, and it seems like the sword of war is my best option. ive been using it for a while, only swapping it out to experiment. full gallop swings do 60+ damage and i can thrust if needed for usually 40-50. i think im going to test out some swing-only 2h weapons on horseback and see if the unbalanced debuff makes much of a difference. it probably wont seeing as you could probably break a shield with one hit going full speed.
/end meth fueled wall of nerd textThe following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2017-06-29 at 6:24 AM UTCGood god, how did I miss this? This may be the worst and stupidest news report/special I've ever seen. Although it was hilarious when Big Man Tyrone appeared and the false information they had on him at 2:24. They even had the wrong name and put his picture up when they were naming Sargon of Akkad.
Oh, wait, it's a parody. Pretty funny in that context. Wouldn't have surprised me if it was real.
Also, it's kind of amazing what 4chan turned Big Man Tyrone into. He must earn a great living for an African. I wonder how many video requests he gets per month.
Post last edited by Malice at 2017-06-29T06:28:19.434306+00:00 -
2017-06-29 at 6:34 AM UTC
Originally posted by Kolokol-1 I went full on "hail Satan" as a teenager, didn't work
Not saying this is what you did but I would think drawing pentagrams and killing kittens wouldn't ever real work. I(and this is just my imgaination so bare with me)you would have to commit at least one horrific act in the name of whatever entity and the magic rituals performed would have to be somewhat "authentic". This is just pure speculation of course. I've also heard that evil entities reject most people because they simply don't want them and only few, specific people can use the power of evil to manifest riches, girl of your dreams etc..
Also, what limited investigation I've delved into it seems that the entities would teach the person how to accomplish the goals so it's not like anything would just magically happen there would have to be some work done but it would be comparable to having real life cheat codes. -
2017-06-29 at 6:45 AM UTC
Originally posted by cerakote vanilla warband, horseman build, swadian start, bow/2h/polearm proficiency.
have like 8 heroes in my party right now, all specced for party skills and mounted combat. focus on wound management, surgery, trade, and pathfinding. the only one i've had leave was bunduk but he's hot garbage anyway. im having trouble getting together the money to equip them all with horses and weapons/armor while also keeping my army maintained and paying their wages which is around 1200 denars per week for a 50~ man war party.
army is focused on mounted units. roughly 3/5 heavy cavalry, 1/5 heavy infantry, and 1/5 archers. the cavalry units are a mixture of the swadian mounted units, mercenaries, slavers, and a couple sword sisters. my infantry units are pretty much all hired blades, mercenary swordsmen, and swadian sargeants. my archers are pretty much just swadian crossbowmen and mercenaries, with a couple watchmen in there. i try to hire as many peasant women, farmers, and manhunters as i can because their upgraded variants are so fucking good.
my party right now absolutely shits on everything and its pretty much over when the cavalry gets to the opposing force unless im up against a nobleman who has me greatly outnumbered. everything that the horsemen dont demolish i clean up, and by the time the infantry gets there almost all the enemies are dead or being routed. even if im being chased by a stronger party on the map, i can always get away because of how fast mine moves from all the mounted units.
also, is there a way i can get a polearm that isnt dogshit? i dont want to use a lance because i cant land couched hits worth a fuck, and even if i could i would need a solid charger to make the most of it. most good 2h/polearm combinations have insane swing damage but trash ass thrust damage and that combined with their low speed makes them shit for someone who pretty much is always fighting from a saddle. i had to compromise on something 2h, at least decent weapon reach and speed, while also doing good damage, and it seems like the sword of war is my best option. ive been using it for a while, only swapping it out to experiment. full gallop swings do 60+ damage and i can thrust if needed for usually 40-50. i think im going to test out some swing-only 2h weapons on horseback and see if the unbalanced debuff makes much of a difference. it probably wont seeing as you could probably break a shield with one hit going full speed.
/end meth fueled wall of nerd text
Get Viking Conquest dude, seriously. Or that Brytenwalda one is good too. Polearms are pretty nerf'd in vanilla.
Not much else to say but I'm happy to see somebody else enjoying this game as much as I have. -
2017-06-29 at 6:50 AM UTC
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2017-06-29 at 7:19 AM UTC
Originally posted by cerakote vanilla warband, horseman build, swadian start, bow/2h/polearm proficiency.
have like 8 heroes in my party right now, all specced for party skills and mounted combat. focus on wound management, surgery, trade, and pathfinding. the only one i've had leave was bunduk but he's hot garbage anyway. im having trouble getting together the money to equip them all with horses and weapons/armor while also keeping my army maintained and paying their wages which is around 1200 denars per week for a 50~ man war party.
That's pretty high. If you have mercenaries or irregular replace them with national troops. They take more training but they have the lowest cost for battle efficiency besides like sword sisters. Capturing a city (not a castle) goes a long way towards bankrolling massive armies, I believe sargoth is the richest city at game start and the nords lack of cav or pikes makes it fairly easy to take. -
2017-06-29 at 7:21 AM UTC
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2017-06-29 at 7:39 AM UTC
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2017-06-29 at 7:41 AM UTC
Originally posted by 霍比特人 Get Viking Conquest dude, seriously. Or that Brytenwalda one is good too. Polearms are pretty nerf'd in vanilla.
Not much else to say but I'm happy to see somebody else enjoying this game as much as I have.
hell yeah dude. i love M&B and its sheer complexity. speaking of which, after looking at the forums a little bit, it seems that the polearms are actually very good because swing damage values are naturally high but are deceptive because armor negates damage dealt based on the armor value of the area of the body you hit (the reason for head, body, and leg armor). thrust damage is much better than it looks; when a thrust attack is performed at either great speed (charging an enemy on a horse at full gallop) or performed on something going at a great speed (striking an oncoming horseman), the weapon pierces through armor along with applying the speed bonus. i dont know if youve ever noticed the letter following the damage value on a weapon, but they can either be a p, b, or c (pierce, blunt, or cut respectively). so, say you were doing a cavalry charge on a group of nord warriors, who are heavily armored (armor is a completely different topic altogether, will go into detail in another post). you're using a longaxe in 2h mode, with a damage value of 50c. the weapon wouldnt actually be that effective because the armor rating is so high that it negates alot of the weapons damage. using a thrusting weapon like the awlpike against the nord warrior would be more effective because the speed bonus combined with the piercing damage of the awlpike thrust go through the armor and do most, if not all, of the armor. this may seem like thrusting weapons would only be useful if fighting from horseback, but that isnt the case. the same ability a mounted pikeman has to pierce through armor is also shared by people defending against a cavalry charge. units like the rhodok spearman who use polearms can be a huge problem for you if you rely on mounted units if positioned correctly. they were for me when swadia declared war on the rhodoks and i was trying to fight a lord who had a relatively large number of them, as i have a cavalry centered force. the fact that the party also contained a large amount of crossbowmen and sharpshooters only made it worse since crossbows have very high damage values and do piercing damage. i was able to dodge most of the bolts, but the knights, men at arms, and other cavalry i had took hits during the charge. the only reason my troops didnt get completely dumpstered once they got into medium-close range was because i rode up behind them and kited them long enough for the horsemen to get into striking distance. -
2017-06-29 at 7:52 AM UTCParagraphs pls
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2017-06-29 at 8:01 AM UTC
Originally posted by Malice A woman's sexuality is naturally always on display. So much of their self-image, their self worth, naturally depends on it. Some may surpass it to some extent after years of consistent psychological effort, but I have very little faith that it is more than a few percent who attain an adequate level of detachment.
Does anyone else feel, on some level, moderately infuriated and repulsed when they see a woman who is dressed in a manner clearly meant to elicit some level of sexual attraction? Even their mere breasts can be enough to have this effect on me.
what the fuck is wrong with you man????
.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2017-06-29 at 8:04 AM UTC
Originally posted by Malice A woman's sexuality is naturally always on display. So much of their self-image, their self worth, naturally depends on it. Some may surpass it to some extent after years of consistent psychological effort, but I have very little faith that it is more than a few percent who attain an adequate level of detachment.
Does anyone else feel, on some level, moderately infuriated and repulsed when they see a woman who is dressed in a manner clearly meant to elicit some level of sexual attraction? Even their mere breasts can be enough to have this effect on me.
Yes of course! Damn those bitches and their having tits! Ughh, the nerve of some people I tell ya! -
2017-06-29 at 8:10 AM UTCconcerning armor:
so, the reason there are 3 different types of damage are because there are 3 different types of armor: light, medium, and heavy. each damage type is very effective against a type of armor.
light armor includes leather, cloth, etc that doesnt weigh very much but also dont offer a whole lot of protection. cut damage is most effective against them, which explains why i initially assumed that swing damage is better. most of my experience with melee combat has been in fights against large groups of forest and mountain bandits, who wear padded or tanned leather armors. in retrospect, im glad i havent got into many engagements with nobles/nords who generally have heavily armored units because i would have been in for a world of hurt trying to swing on them.
medium armor is composite like splinted mail or other types of gear thats typically a mixture of hardened leather and mail or plate. most effective type is pierce. thats the current armor i have equipped, which may explain why if i wasnt careful when fighting large groups of forest bandits i would take some rather high amounts of damage from the arrows.
heavy armors are the super expensive pieces of gear in the shop that all the lords wear that looks cool and has high armor value. pretty much just the big fuckoff plate armor. best type for these is blunt. havent had a whole lot of need to use blunt weapons so i cant give a whole lot of insight on it but i understand why people would ever use things like maces and mauls now, especially because mauls can crush through blocks and can hit hard enough to shatter shields outright in a couple of hits even if they didnt hit through them.
one thing thats important to note is that the "type" of an armor is a dynamic classification and is a mix of both the armor value and the armor itself. think of it this way, piercing through steel plate armor doesnt really diminish the protective effects of wearing it, but putting a fat ass dent would damage the armor and the person wearing it. blades generally wouldnt do a whole lot to a ring mail shirt, but shooting a crossbow bolt or stabbing through it would.
gee fucking whillikers i didnt know any of this shit before i looked it up and i have a new respect for the developers now -
2017-06-29 at 8:15 AM UTC
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2017-06-29 at 8:23 AM UTC
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2017-06-29 at 9:20 AM UTCMy therapist told me that writing down traumatic events can be a way to ease the shock of bad experiences. It sounds like bullshit to me... But I'm desperate for any kind of release.
I guess I'll start by talking about Cal.
Cal is my best friend, I've never felt closer to another human being than I have to him. We met when we were both seven, at my very first Cub Scouts meeting. Dear lord, we both hated that place, but we had family that aspired to see us become perfect people, and figured that the Cub Scouts were the perfect way to start us on the track to success. Gradually, we transitioned from going to the Scouts meetings, to going to play video games in his basement.
Cal's family wasn't exactly rich, and they lived in an incredibly old house that was only a few places down from mine. It was a very big house, but not a nice one. It had no furnace (only wall heaters), outlets which would randomly stop working, and neither cable nor internet. All that Cal had for us to do at his house was play Goldeneye and Smash Brothers on his Nintendo 64. Occasionally we would read comic books, but he only had the old Spiderman series that everyone has read at least twice, so we typically stayed away from it. Essentially, we were a couple of big ol' nerds.
Cal's older sister, Nina, however...She was an even bigger nerd.
Naturally, being two whole years older than us, she thought was far too cool to give us a moment of her time. On rare occasions, she would go out with friends, and permit use to use her coveted Gamecube, complete with Super Smash Brothers Melee. Those nights were the greatest of our childhoods, and we developed a passion for Smash Brothers.
This continued on for some years, until her thirteenth birthday, when her parents somehow scrounged together the money for an Xbox 360. She was absolutely ecstatic, and Cal would frequently rant to me about how jealous he was. When I was fed up with hearing his incessant whining, I proposed a plan for us to spend the summer mowing lawns and pulling weeds to purchase our own Xbox 360 from a local pawn shop.
Naturally, he clung to this idea.
We spent the summer of '09 working our asses off to make $120. Finally, as stupid eleven year-olds, we wandered into Pawn One and picked out a dusty white console together and paid with six crisp twenty dollar bills.
Considering I had made the majority of the money, and Cal already had his Nintendo 64, we agreed that It'd be fair for me to set up the beautiful piece of technology in my home. Thus, he came to my home for the proceeding few years, with us buying and playing the latest Call of Duty titles and enjoying them immensely.
Fast forward to our sophomore year in high school. Cal and I didn't hang out nearly as much as we used to, but we talked frequently at school. I had honestly mostly forgotten about our childhood days, now that I owned a gaming PC and moved into the twenty-first century.
Some night in February, I remember listening to some soundtracks on Youtube, and seeing a click-bait top ten list for "Memorable Video Game Soundtracks." I took the bait, and watched the video. It had some obvious entries, like Hotline Miami and Final Fantasy VII, but one entry on the list hit me with a freight train of nostalgia.
The Super Smash Brothers Melee soundtrack.
I immediately started looking into Melee again, and quickly discovered the prevalent competitive scene. My interest was piqued, and that night consisted of me setting up a Gamecube emulator and dodging sleep by playing Melee. I learned some of the advanced techniques, and started looking into nearby tournaments.
A month later, I was sick of playing Melee with the input lag of an emulator, and started trying to find a Gamecube with a copy of Melee. Soon, I learned just how rare a real copy of Melee had become, and my hopes started to dwindle.
Then, as if sent by the heavens, I got a text from Cal about his sister going to "some dumb party," and his parents being on vacation in Reno, meaning that we'd have his house to ourselves to smoke pot and play video games all night. I thought of Nina's Gamecube, and her lovely copy of Melee.
As fast as my fingers could type, I asked if Nina still had her Gamecube. He replied with the same kind of mischievous nature he always did:
"I have no clue, but we could dig though her shit 'til we find it."
I thought it sounded perfect.
And so we spent an hour rifling through Nina's possessions. We laughed at dumb diary entries from her middle school days, were shocked to find her own personal 'pleasure item' tucked away in her bed frame, and finally in the darkest corners of her closet we found the little purple box which I so desired to find. At this point, we were both baked senseless, and ran off to play Melee without even trying to hide the mess we had made.
A few hours later, we were sitting in Cal's room playing Melee, and we heard somebody enter the front door. Briefly, we panicked at the idea of Cal's parents being home early, and quickly hid our contraband. However, instead, it was only Nina.
She yelled, full volume, Cal's name. Furious thumps came from the staircase as she flew down to his room, and as she stormed down the hallway we could hear her shouting at us.
"What the fuck were you two doing in my room!?" She shouted, before standing with her arms crossed in Cal's doorway. We both looked at her, and something in my chest suddenly jumped.
I hadn't seen Nina in years, and looking on her now made me realize how absolutely beautiful she was. While Cal and Nina shouted at each other, I only admired her flowing blonde hair. When Nina asked what smelled like skunk, I only could see the captivating curves of her hips. And when she called us "fucking creeps!," I only noticed her fascinatingly large breasts.
Nina stormed off, and I returned to reality. She left the house again, and we resumed our session of Melee and recreational smoking. However, for the rest of the night, my mind was fixated on Nina.
She became the subject of many of my late-night fantasies over the proceeding weeks. Picturing her naked in my mind seemed to never cease to be interesting. However, after a while, I realized that I would not be satisfied with pure fantasy.
I began plotting ways to see her naked.
Over the course of March, and into April, I planned out a method of seeing her undressed. It was a rather simple scheme, all in all. Nina liked to bathe in the big claw-foot tub in the basement of Cal's home. However, since it was in a basement, there was no window I could peek inside of. Instead, I had to get more crafty.
I learned how to set up a live feed camera, and placed a small webcam inside of a tissue box in said bathroom. Once I had positioned the tissue box to a satisfactory angle, I returned to Cal and killed time by playing more Melee.
Once I returned home, I checked the camera's live feed, and found it worked perfectly. All I had to do then, was play the waiting game.
Every other night for two weeks, I had the pleasure of watching Nina strip and bathe for me. I would leave the sound on, and any time I heard the sound of running water, I'd find myself suddenly in the mood to rub one out. It was truly a teenage boy's dream... And then it happened.
It started normally, I heard the sound of rushing water and immediately felt an erection brewing. I paused my game of Hearthstone and swapped over to the camera feed, and saw Nina undressing. A smile came to my lips, and my hand began to do its job.
Things went as expected at first. But, as soon as I was about to finish, a loud and harsh beeping started coming through the audio feed. I was confused, worried if it was an issue with the camera. However, by the look on Nina's face, I noticed she could hear it too. After a moment, I made the connection that the beeping was that of a smoke alarm. Nina shouted, "Mom!? What are you making?"
She received no response.
With a groan, she grabbed her phone and started typing away. Later on, in police reports, I'd hear that she was apparently texting her mom and asking the same question she had shouted. However, her mom had already ran outside, and left her phone in her bedroom.
Nina was getting visibly annoyed with the beeping. After three or four minutes of angry texting and shouting, she got out of the bathtub and dried herself off. She wrapped herself in the towel, and walked to the door. The second her hand touched the knob, she flinched and jumped back with a shout.
Somewhere out my bedroom window, I could hear sirens. I stood from my computer desk, and ran out of my home to look down the road. A pillar of smoke was billowing into the air, right where Cal's house was.
I ran back inside to my computer and looked at the camera feed again. Nina was banging on the bathroom door, screaming again and again for help. I was frozen, I couldn't do a god damned thing.
After a few minutes of banging and shouting, I noticed beads of sweat becoming more and more visible on Nina. Not long after, she removed the towel, and climbed back into the bathtub. She turned the cold water on, and curled up in the water.
I could see her crying.
I kept hoping and praying that someone would break the door in and rescue Nina, but with every passing moment I was more and more terrified that it wouldn't happen. I couldn't do anything, and I couldn't stop watching. I don't remember exactly when I started crying, but at some point I did.
Water was overflowing out of the tub, and Nina was still screaming for help. She just kept screaming, and screaming, and screaming...
The floor was covered in water, and steam was steadily filling the air. Nina's screams for help turned to screams of pain. I watched as the water steamed, and slowly begin to churn around Nina. She curled up by the cold water faucet, but it was to no avail. The water kept getting hotter and hotter, and Nina couldn't get away.
Her skin was turning a deep crimson, and Nina screamed the loudest, most blood curdling screams I'd heard in my life. She was flailing and trashing about in the water, which was starting to bubble. I could see skin falling away from her legs, floating in wet chunks in nearly boiling water.
My camera could barely withstand the heat, and the video feed was starting to blur, but it kept coming through. I could still see and hear Nina being boiled alive in her own bathroom.
By the time her screams had died down to weak, hoarse wheezes, the camera feed finally cut. I sat and stared at the blank "no signal" screen for so long the words felt burned into my retinas...
Later on, I'd learn that one of the wall heaters in their home short-circuited and caught fire. It proceeded to make every heater in the house follow suit, and in a matter of moments there was a fire in nearly every room. Every room except that bathroom which Nina was enjoying herself in...
So there. I wrote about it. I’ve realized that I don’t feel better. I may not ever feel better. I was disgusting; I was a creep, a weirdo, a pervert- you name it. I watched my best friend’s sister die through a webcam that I set up to fulfill my sexual desires. At least the camera is gone now; something I’m eternally thankful for.
I still don't know what to say to Cal, I haven't talked to him yet, and I don't know If I ever will.
And every time I pass by that burnt out old house, I feel like i'm going to puke.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2017-06-29 at 10:13 AM UTC
Originally posted by Lanny That's pretty high. If you have mercenaries or irregular replace them with national troops. They take more training but they have the lowest cost for battle efficiency besides like sword sisters. Capturing a city (not a castle) goes a long way towards bankrolling massive armies, I believe sargoth is the richest city at game start and the nords lack of cav or pikes makes it fairly easy to take.
well im a non landed swadian lord right now and most of my money comes from battle spoils and ransoming prisoners. if i manage to snag myself a nice batch of high tier units its a good day for me. every once in a while i try to loot and burn an isolated village in enemy territory for some quick bank, but i pretty much have to pray there are no nearby lords and if there is then its a manageable size. i dont have the funding right now to bump up my army to much more than it already is, so im going to ACTUALLY have to go help them during campaigns if i want to stop being a brokeboy i guess
