Ummmm.... Been "clean" since. November 30th last year. Idk what did it. Mushrooms and CBD i think. And just being tired of everything. Having no real friends. Ducking cops. Crashing cars. Constant chaos. Basically just having no hope, and wanting to kill myself all the time. Anyway im down to 93mg from 165. I only take half my dose on the days i dont have to go to the clinic, so its probably more like 50mg. The gym made me feel better for a while, but i kept hurting myself and then i just get lazy.
Ive been thinking that i need some new employment, but tbh i havent really been putting in the work. If we're honest, a lot of the timw when we say we've been "trying" to do something, all that usually means is that we've just been entertaining teh thought of something, without actually putting forth any effort. I get easily overwhelmed and end up just doing nothing, and I hate that.
Turned 31 last week. Was fucking weird. I always hate my birthdays bc it reminds me of how legendary of a fuckup i am, but this year a lot of people i hadnt talked to in years said hi, and i ended up hearing a lot of shit i didnt want to hear...along the lines of that I was a good dude but a horrible influence, and people had to leave the state and shit to shake me and get me out of their lives. I heard that the girl Ive felt guilty for introducing to drugs and then subsequently got brain damage...is still in a hospital, but she calls other people in our friend group. And my immediate thought was "You fucking ungrateful cunt. I let you live with me for a year and a half. I paid off your tickets. I re enrolled you in school. I got my ass kicked dragging you out of a mexican tweaker den when you were all strung out and prolly getting trains run on you by all the dudes. After all that shit i did for you, IM the one thats so fucked up that you cant even message me back or call to let know that youre okay?"
But then i realized the reaction I was having was very based in addiction. It was a selfish reaction. I felt like she owed me something for the effort i put in to her life before. Me owed me attention. But if i really cared about her, I should be able to understand that maybe she decided not to keep in contact so that she wouldnt be tempted to use. If i actually care about someone, i should want them to be happy and okay regardless of whether or not we're involved romantically, or even communicating, or whether we're still talking. You cant be sober if your level of love for a person is proportional for what theyve done for you lately, or whether they meet your expectations of what they should be doing. Just doesnt work that way. So that was a interesting lesson.
And then a girl who I was close with in HS. After graduation we were always flirty and stuff, but the timing was just never right. We sexted and stuff all the time, but after she got out of a particularly bad relationship with some cokehead drug dealer in Florida, i was honest and told her i was still using, and she said she wanted to still stay in contact with me, but she couldnt meet up with me or let her take me take her out to dinner. I was all kinds of butthurt, and my kneejerk reaction was "If im so toxic that you cant have dinner with me for an hour, ill just give you all the fucking space you need>" And essentially i blocked her and let her think i was dead.
Anyway she texted me out of the blue a month or so ago, and we just started talking again, and I guess i knew she was in a relationship, but it kinda just felt like we were talking like we were in hs again. A couple days after my friend dies, she texts me that shes engaged. I wanted to say "BITCH BAD TIMING", but i halfheartedly congratulated her ...which also felt like a dick move bc you have to try kind of hard to make your lack of enthuisiasm felt over text message. I think I said "Oh wow thats so huge congrats". lol. No exclamation mark or anything. But of course the REAL first thought in my mind, in the midst of grieving my dead homie, was "Well i didnt even get to fuck her first. Thats not fair". lol.
Anyway...i fell asleep typing this so ill just leave that here.
tl;dr- Im still all kinda of fucked up, but im not on heroin so thats....good?