Originally posted by CASPER
Well then I'm on the right track.
I know it wasn't like "my fault", but that was just so uncharacteristic of me. I thought he was doing the faggy victim cry for help thing…..but I guess he was in more pain than even I knew.
I honestly didn't even remember I said that, and just knowing what I know now, I really regret it.
I know he got his drugs a week or two before, but I don't think it's entirely coincidence that he checked out as soon as I/we started getting agitated at his constant talking about it.
I mean I still think weekly about the girl I let try coke with me when I was 15 or 16. Ended up going off the rails, injecting bath salts, having a stroke- and is now in an assisted living facility. One of the 3 girls I ever really loved, I think.
I just obsess about how the things I've done affect other people. Not to be melodramatic, but I think this one is probably going to stay with me a bit. I don't even remember saying that shit. Then again I DID put in a solid decade of encouragement and talk-therapy, but that's not what sticks with you.
*shrug*
Hey man, jokes aside I really identify with the way you feel. And I haven't conquered it but I am trying. To that end, I'll make a serious suggestion: try mindfulness meditation.
I really don't like cracker ass neo-spirituality and how it has infested the practice of meditation, which in itself is a powerful tool.
What you might be experiencing in these moments, as I do too, is an identity with your thoughts and your idea of self. Your thoughts are what cause your suffering.
I spent a long time thinking about why I agonize over so much of the past, and I think it's because we value ourselves and our existence "transactionally", as Alan Watts might put it: what we are is how we relate.
I also generally think Sam Harris is not too bright on many of the subjects he talks about, but the Waking Up app is one I'll give him big props for. The guided meditation courses are very helpful to actually understand what you're learning.
Indians are an authority on meditation and Pakis are basically Indians, so you can trust me.
