How can they be when they shouldn't even be?
If I wanna listen to jazz music and drink canada dry I will.
GO FUCK DIE
Earlier yesterday I was thinking a lot about when I was 20 and what I would have said I wanted to be doing by the time I was 30.
Im pretty sure all I would have said was "I wanna do a shit ton of drugs and alcohol"
I must have cuz that's what the fuck I ended up doing.
Im pretty sure I would have hoped for... idk, a career??
Im not gonna go deep on this but way the fuck back in 5th grade when I was 10 years old I remember very vividly the feeling that overcame me on day in Ms. Spiller's English class.
Up until that point in my education and life I had done well at everything except sports or having friends.
I remember one day a councilor at school way back when I was like 7 or some shit had asked me to try and hang out with some kid that no one hung out with.
Long story short I didn't because that kid was a loser but now that I think a little bit about it I wouldn't be surprised if that cunt ass bitch had told that mother fucker to hang out with me and maybe he thought the same thing but he didn't because he was an unpopular dumbass.
Back to the original whatever the fuck I was talking about...
I remember so vividly one day in Ms. Spiller's 5th grade English class I got a D on a paper.
It was my first thing under a B that I ever had gotten.
It was earned as I didn't do the assignment the night before and had just guess some shit while everyone else was passing theirs up to the front of the class for collection.
That feeling though.
It was like all the sudden an entire new world full of possibilities opened up when I realized I could not give a shit and nothing would happen other than I would get a different grade that now meant nothing to me anyways.
That you guys is the exact moment in time I quit giving a fuck.
Next I gave up on dividing fractions and subsequently forgot how to multiply them.
Overtime I became someone who would do something last minute, if at all.
This one time I had a science fair project to do for school and this project we had all year to do.
At the begging of the year sometime we had to get the project approved and then you would have all year to do it before having a science fair to present it.
Well wouldn't you know it, the night before the big science fair I couldn't even remember what I was suppose to have been doing it on the whole year.
I ended up taking some pictures of a balloon stuck to a tv and gluing them to a piece of cardboard and then I made up a bunch of fake measurements to act like I was doing a static electricity study.
I passed but I think everyone who turned in anything even mildly believable did.
I think I got a participation ribbon for it.
I remember for senior year we had a similar shit project and I literally made a paper plane while driving to school and then just winged a 20 minute speech about how planes fly. Unfortunately I hadn't paid any attention during the 2 years of aviation maintenance that I took and my speech only lasted like 2 minutes of which I guess I made several false statements.
I didn't like school much at all.
I was an annoying kid who just wanted to get high and wander around scheming.
I was not a bully although I did beat up 2 of them.
But like I was talking about. I just went off as soon as I had my freedom on a mission to lose it.
I didn't know what I was doing. I was doing it because I was curious ad liked it.
It wasn't a complete loss or anything. I regret a bunch of it ever happening but at no point could I have stopped it.
It had to run its course.
Except now that we are back to it I wanna try and really picture what I want out of my thirties today while also reflecting on my 20's.
I have NEVER EVER had a life plan or any real inner self motivated ambitions or anything.
that shit never mattered doing what I was trying to do which was idk cuz I have no idea what I was doing.
Most of my memories are of being high and being miserable sometimes at the same time.
I had a great childhood. It wasn't anything like that. I just stopped caring.
But now I have 31 months of sobriety under my belt and have set myself up to live a modestly ok lifestyle. I got a lot of things going for me now. A lot of the delusions have stopped as too has the troubles that always seemed to follow me.
I have been doing things right and although I will admit I still need to keep changing things to keep improving my life but that is always.
There are a few things I am for sure going to keep in my life but there are other things I am going to have to see change.
I want more and I am not done.
I will see you fuckers when I wake up.
Good night amigos.
Hella is even snapping at me and all I have ever tried to do is help.
Good job pissing him off Lanny!
I haven't been this depressed about a birthday ever.
Not so much the birthday but how old I am.
I had hoped to just spend the entire day eating gummies and fishing.
The rain in the forecast has killed that plan.
I am 30 in 2 days and here I am still not really knowing what the hell I am doing.
Im so lazy.
My body always feels shit-like.
I was working with a new girl the other night and she was really young not farm animal like whch is rare at my work.
I asked her if she had any kids and she said a 3 year old and a 3 month old.
Then I asked how old she was and she said 19 about to be 20.
Im just glad I dont have to be her.
But at some point down the line there will come a time when I am just an old gross man with hair in his ears.
sigh
2020-05-14 at 4:28 PM UTC
in
Totaled a car, bought a car.
I got a suspended license.
