Okay so i dont get laid. Like ever. That should be stated from the outset. The only reason im posting about this is bc its kind of hilarious to me that a sweaty fatboi incel found his way in such a situation. This is like 40% brag and 60% for the lulz. Tl;dr at the bottom.
Okay so like 3 weeks ago this black chick in yoga pants named Sara is at the bar where i go and shes like holy shit how tall are u stand up. Shes got long red braids n wearing some flowy afrocentric shit like a tiny Erykah Badu,in a like u dercut kinda thing, and a big ass. So i do n she swoons bc im tall as fuck and handsome in a fetal alcohol syndrome ki da way. She sees me simging skme bluesy country and makes a shocked/ turned on face from the back kf the bar bc sometimes i sing pretty dope. Anyway blah blah blah a couple weeks later its the night before halloween or whatever and she asks what im doing and i say im hungover as dogshit so i have no plans. She invites me to a party and says id really like her friends. zshe suggests going as Adam and Eve and says all i need to do is wear green underwear and an apple. Im like fuck nah im not going anywhere witha slapdash last min gay costume with my man tits hanging out the entire night so i pick her up normally attired and head to the party.
Its a 4 bedroom house a couple blocks from the beach but like maybe 10 people live there plus guests. When i get there there are dogs running around and a bonfire and loud music playingand girls in fox ear headwraps and a dude eith dreadlocks spinning fire chain things. I quickly introduce myself and start pouring drinks of my good bourbon into glasses for my new friends. There are several black dinner plates on the dining room table with chopped powder and straws. the black girl asks whats what and the hostess, a thin white girl with a southern drawl- says the chunky one is molly and the other 2 are k and coke. Black girl is like BITCH THEY ALL LOOK CHUNKY. i do a tiny gummer of each and find the M. I find a couple pinkish grey lil rocks and convince her to drop it in soem hot tea i stead of wasting it snorting it. She tosses back the shot of MteaMA n we start dancing around the fire.
At this point a girl catches my eye. Shes small and very innocent looking in these colorful sequined bottoms. She looks to be half white and half some kind of asian, small perky tits and a slim athletic ohysique. Shes walking around with a rusty hatchet and a tiny budgie parched in her hair. I intruduce myself and she i troduces her bird. His name is Fable. Her name is Dani. She then starts telling me the storylf her rusty hatchet and I quickly gather that shes like pretty actually autistic in the literal sense kf the word. Although every 30 min or so she regains focus and is able to carrry on normal comversations. Shes really cute and dumb smart and we sit down on the sofa and do shots and she starts showing me pictures on her phone of all her favorite intestinal parasites.
At some point the bird is on my head, Theres an actual paper quiz that the hippie matriarch wants me to take to determine if im cool enough to hang with the crew (i took a picture of the test. Will edit in photos later when im less drunk). One question involves THE jedi LASER. lol. People offer me drugs n im like nah im lame and old now i dont party. I do eat some mushrooms that some shlubby dude in a rajncoat offers me, and go out to the bonfire to take a call and enjoy a lil quiet time from the din indoors. Black chick comes outside and straddles me, asks how much molly she took. I tell her prolly no more than a fifth of a gram bc ive always been good at eyeing stuff out. She says she hasnt rolled this hard in years and tells me to kiss her. I do and she starts moaning and biting my lip. It actually starts to hurt and she leans in harder. Something comes over me and I wrap my hand around her throat and kinda choke her at arms length. Shes dressed in a green bathing suit and draped in green plastic vines thatve become irredeemably tangled in her hip length braids. She croaks “OH FUCK” and starts grinding on my leg. I kinda loosen my grip and she claps my hand arou dher throat and says “…no dont…”. Her eyes roll back in her head and i feel like shes just being dramatic,but she tells me later on that she managed to climax grinding on my knee lol,
So fast forward an hour n a half or so. Im doing my normal thing which is just being Cool Dad. People joke that i have powerful Golden Retriever Energy bc im just gemerally kinda quiet but also really friendly n defensive of my people. One of the other girls is having bad period cramps n is curled up in her room being miserable so i make her some ginger root tea n bring her a couple of nugs of weed from the living room. Im like 3/4 of the way into the first bottle of whiskey and i decide i want to start cooking. So i dice up pancetta that i find in the fridge, render it, brown red onions in the fat, microwave some baby fi fingerling potatoes. I mix the onions n pancetta n potatoes. I decide that i never had a problem with dissociatives and none of tjese weird hippies have any heroin so i do a couple limes of K and settle back into my groove. I make pancakes from scratch and mix insome matcha tea powder, cinnamon and vanilla. I start doing eggs over easyin the loftover pancetta grease. I start just meandering throuh the house serving people n its cool. At one point tiny happa asian girl comes over and teases me bc my egg flipping skills suck, and she shows me how to do it better. She tells me to open my mouth and i say it better not be drugs bc i have work in like 7 hours n she says to trust her. Its cru chy and sweet and cinnamony and apparently shes a professional candy maker and make some little apple pie thingies that she garnished with gold leaf and violet and rose petals. Shes being really cute and then her phone starts ringing and she gets visibly upset and very flustered and twitchy.
Its her ex bf and hes apparently stalking her and being weird. Im like GIVE ME THE PHONE IMMA HANDLE 5HIS NIGGA. I answer n hes like “Wait whos this?” I say im Trevor whats up bro bro. He says he wants to talk to Dani. I say shes not there. He asks why i have her ohone. I say she went to the beach. He wants to talk to Samara. zshes also at the beach. Its on speaker phone and people in the living room are stifling laughs because theyre well aquainted with this creepy nigga n his hyjinx. He says hes coming over bc he needs to talk to Dani. I say im afraid i cant allow that Ancep i promised id keep any interlopers out of the house while they went to the circus. Hes like who the fuck are you and I say im Trevor and im a licensed Childhood Trauma Councillor. Dont ask me why. hes trying to poke holes in my story but im insistent that im the clarice starling of juvenile arsonists, murderers and cat burglars. We go back and forth for like 15 min bc this dude is obviously on acid or somehing and im just fucking drunk as dogshit. The ketamine starts to take out my legs so i layon the floor and someone puts a pillow under my head. and and at some point black girl n asian girl and laying on top of my giggling and someone is rubbing my chest. Im also now holding a tomahawk.
Adter hanging up with stalker dude, people are just playing records in the bar room downstrairs, passing around plates of drugs and engaged in various convos. Sara is like “So are you having a good time? what made you decide to meet up with some random girl from the bar?” I say i am having fun, and she had good energy so i figure couldnt hurt. She says i probably do this all the time. I say not really. She asks if women dont hit on me all the time and i say they do but im a huge pussy and just assume women are just being nice to me instead of trying to bang. She says “So you just never have sex?” I say- pretty much yeah. She calls bullshit. I say no literally its been years. Another girl eavesdropping asks how many years. I say its too embarassing and laugh and she says holy shit i think hes telling the truth. Sara and anither high ass couch girl come give me a bjg hug and go AWWWWWWW. A few min later Sara says she needs to lay down and asks if ill go with her. Normally id be kinda nervous but im drunk and slightly dissociated and a tad heart broken so im jjst like fuck it.
Upstairs theres a big room like 30 feet by 30 feet or something. Sofa in the corner. Tiny bar. TV. Dark as hell save for neon lights on the wall, a multicolor changing light. There are plastic plants and vines draping from the ceiling. Theres a little fountain. And against one wall, a king size bed with animal print sheets, piled with stuffed animals. There are like 4 people sitting on the back sofa quietly engaged in conversation, but we lay down. She drapes her leg over me and starts kissing me. Slowly her hand is rubbing me through my pants and then down my pants. At one point like a total fag i suggest maybe she wants to wait until shes not high before we do anything and she tells me to shuts up and asks if im going to choke her again. I say yeah probably and she moans and starts taking off my shirt and asks whymy pants are still on. Im like Ooooooh shit. Okay. Dont make a fool of yourself. Shes rubbing my chest hair and says she likes my fur and i say thats not usually the reception i get. We make out a ton more and i grab her ass and suck her tits. She starts giving me head and it feels great but im just so in my head trying to make sure i dont make a fool of myself by cumming too quick or something. When i feel her shes like ridiculously wet. She gives me a condom and i put it on and start side fucking her and within 2 or 3 min i can tell my dick is just numb and shit is not working. I pull out and start working my other tools, make her squirt surprisingly fast.
Shes blowing me a again when Dani comes and flops on the bed and blows a big raspberry on Saras ass. They both bust out laughing and i try to pull the covers over my dick. She says “What seems to be going in here?” in some weird grandma voice shes been doing all night. Sara strokes me a few times and says shes making a new friend. I say Im way too drunk and Kd out and i suck and i kinda wanna die and i laugh. Dani pulls the cover back and like touches a finger to my precum and says it seems to be working okay for now. She holds Saras braids back and starts pushing me into her throat and has her other hand on my calf. When im hard i get up to put in another rubber and as soon as i do, same deal. The girls are now making out and Dani has her top off. Sara climbs on top of me, but shes riding me so hard its like bending my dick in half and it hurts and the condom starts getting all bunched up. Dani sees and shes like “Oh duhhh. You were drinking all night n this isnt helping and she pulls it off. She spits in her hand and starts stroking and blowing me and sure enough that does the trick. Im actually half comatose and dont realize whats happening when i feel myself sliding into someone again and realize i dont have a condom on. I pull away and go BAD IDEA BAD IDEA. Sara doesnt quite stop, but shes like “ i dont have cooties you know?” Im like yeah probably but 1) I cum really quick and 2) I dont need a kid. She says shes not fertile rn and no offense but shes not trying to babytrap anyone who lives at home and works at UPS, and shes not trying to fuck up her own life. I go GOD DAMNIT and she starts riding me again and sure enough that does it. I just put a pillow over my head and think of England for a while until i realize im not gonna bust right away.
Black girl cums INCREDIBLY easily. When i say she squirted 10 or 15 times over the course of the night n morning, im not even exaggerating. And whenever she does, she kicks like a rabbit and squirms and pushes me off of her until its over. During one of these intermissions, i roll over and find Dani, who ive been just lightly kissing and feeling on her breasts this whole time. We kiss and i put my hand down her pants and she holds it there and squirms a little bit. As we kiss deeper she wiggles out of her pants and says “Do you eat pussy?” i say i miss eating pussy but generally with wimen ive known more than a day, She laughs and says ok just play with me a little. She asks me to put all my weight on her as we kiss, and i say i dont want to hurt her bc shes like 5’2 100lb tops. She says i wont, and she starts breathing really hard.She kinda turns me over onto my side and slides me in, lazy side fucks me for a while Sara massages her butt. I choke her and yank her hair back and she spits on me and i say oh sorry and she says no keep doing it. One of the people on the sofa hears her moan and says “Dani…you okay?”. She says YA THANKS LOVE YOU. lol.
At some point while im pumping away, this like 55 year old white haired dude Felton in a tight scratchy looking suit comes over from the and sits on the edge of the bed. The sun is coming up and hes drinking a bottle of anew Amsterdam vodka and hes on the phone with the courthouse trying to tell them he cant come bc he might have covid. Apparently hes set to show up in court for a restitution case and the chick im banging was supposed to drive him, but hes too drunk and doesnt want to go. They start teasing him and calling him an old Geezer, and then he opens up his phone and starts showing me all these gorgeous like gallery quality photos of all these these different hippie chicks like naked dancing on tables or swimming in a river or just generally being gorgeous and cute. I say cool bro n he seems to get the message and go back to the sofa, but then saunters back over and says “So how is it?” Im like “it was pretty good until you asked me that and now im like half chub again so thanks”. We all laugh and i just kinda lay back bc at this point ive been fucking from like 2am to 6am. Then this fucking dude lays down in the middle of us and says “I miss Mel” and starts openly crying. The girls lan up to give him a hug and im kinda smooshed in the middle so i kinda just give him a hug too but in my head im like WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON HERE THIS WASNT IN THE BROCHURE. Turns out hes the ex bf of Melanie the den mother and he had a spat with her the other night n now the other girls in the house have circled around her and dont want him coming around her at all. He continues to softly weep for about ten min talking about how WE MADE SUCH GOOD ART TOGETHER WHY WOULD SHE THROW IT ALL AWAY FOR THOSE FUCKING CUNTS, just inches from my shriveled cock while they pet his hair and tell him to give her time.
Eventually he fucks off and we start again. Its been a while and theyre not exactly annoyed but puzzled as to why i havent cum. Im like im on 2 diff antidepressants, back pills, ketamine, and like 11 shots of whiskey. Also they were so tiny and im so big i kept sinking into the mattress and it was making the angles weird and fucking up the rhythm. I end up dragging them down to the edge of the bed and having Sara stand there on her tippy toes and danni on her back, propped up with a pillow. I make a joke about their asses next together looking like piano keys, and then i do my thing. I discover i feel a lot more sensation standing up than i do laying down for some reason. I choke danni again and out my fingers down her throat and Sara fingers her slit and sucks her tiny boobs. After a few min of back and forth I finish on Saras back and in typical autistic fashion Danni says that the constrast is VERY AESTHETICALLY PLEASING I THINK.
Then we ate cold my cold breakfast bc everyone had been too coked out to eat when it was warm, fucked again, stopped at a liquor store for more whiskey and then I drove Sara to her DUI class.
THE END
tl;dr- Despite many years of involuntary abstinence, I had a threesome with some cute hippie girls at a party who fucked me with a sweet caring energy usually reserved for those sex worker therapists who fuck dudes with cerebral palsy and shit. Even with an old man crying next to me, i managed to not make a total fool of myself and make at least one of them cum a bunch even tho now i prolly have MegaAids and am prolly in a polyamorous relationship with some weird club kids with nicknames with Fern and Skye and the old man n i are prolly eskimo bros. Kinda freaked me out, but glad it built a bit of self confidence n shit. Had fun n was able to get out of my head for a little while n all my gay shitty anxieties and i highly recommend it.
