Originally posted by mmQ
Yeah it's kind of interesting the further I live, the more I find myself sort of always weighing the idea of 'trying to better myself' and 'jesus fuck who even cares at this point, it is what it is.'
Like you said, it's not HEALTHY to have self destructive thoughts, by definition, but when you don't care about healthy than you just… Don't care.
You're def right as far as me losing my faith in god and I will be the first to admit that there is a big difference between it, mainly the fact that with faith, regardless of how shitty things are, you can hold this belief that it's 'part of a plan' or whatever, that no matter what happens, God is there and will help you get through shit. When I gave that up, I didn't necessarily realize the impact that it has when I realize that life is truly on my terms and I am completely responsible for myself and my actions.
That said, I still just can't arbitrarily start pretending I believe in god again just for the sake of hoping it will help me and my accountability. It would obviously feel disenguine as fuck. But I suppose that's why people come up with other higher powers and I guess I could pretend the fucking cosmos is my leader and it'll make everything right in the end.
For now, I am DUST IN THE WIND.
Why can't you actually be accountable to yourself, like no shit accountable?
Like people act like it is cool to not care, do whatever, move on, fly through life by the seat of your pants... and bury that part of you that kills you on the inside where you make a mistake or say something stupid.
That's considered bad. When you have that thought in the shower about that stupid argument where you looked like a fool... No! Shove it down! Bad! Cringe! You're a free independent soul who don't need no accountability! Feeling bad is for losers!
Except if you actually go along with that line of thinking your whole life, you will end up on your deathbed as a hollow and socially retarded individual who hurt everyone and never knew what was actually good for them.
I don't believe in God but I also don't believe in indeterministic free will. Whatever is happening is happening. We have less power and control than we like to imagine. So your happiness, whatever, make your best effort but understand that there's no plan but there's also nothing you can really do. Just do your best and hope everything turns out for the best and don't concern yourself with such retarded abstract shit.
I long since accepted I am a meat machine, but the only part that interests me is "ok so now what?" Very quickly such problems dissolve to irrelevance.
Can't god just he reality? Why does its "plan" have to make us happy?