I am NEVER going to forget tonight...
I spent 5 hours on the phone, 2 of which was both of us crying and being an emotional and sappy, with a man I am proud to call my brother in every sense of the word, save our genetics.
I am truly a blessed person, truly gifted to have had such amazing luck as to have befriended two of the most amazing men I could ever have hoped to have in my life. I am not worthy to have these people in my life... both who've saved my life, literally. Both whom I've enjoyed such wonderful conversations with, laughed with, joked with, shared advice with, have truly deep and meaningful heart to heart conversations with that have truly meant the world to me, to which I wouldn't trade all the money or drugs, or anything else for, because they mean that fucking much to me. As he said, it's fucking bizarre that we met through totse/zoklet just... talking about drugs... and it grew from there- both, my brother, and my lover- these two fucking wonderful, beautiful, flawed, genuine people, who have the heart to love me somehow, and I too have the heart to return that love to them both.
I've never had much of a "family", at least in the traditional sense, but to me "family", it's a word used to describe people who have unconditional love, who want to help, and who are there for us during the best of times, and will be even in the worst. It's people who see our flaws, see our mistakes, yet still love us anyway, not because they have to, but because they want to. In some ways, having this non-genetic family seems and feels stronger than those who are bound by blood, because we didn't just... spawn in our lives, nor was it accident that brought us about... We landed in each other's life in a weird and unique way, but we stayed about and are more than a cross of paths because WE CHOSE- we chose and we're going to continue having each other, in our lives for the rest of what this world has for us.
Both these guys I can count on and have been there with so much shit for me, and I'm there for them with their shit- not because we have to be, like some traditional families, but because WE WANT TO BE. Through the good and the bad, through thick and thin, with genuine love, care, and desire to see each other at our happiest, and determination to see each other get there.
TOTSE/Zoklet has inspired me to write a book detailing these wonderful, shocking, exciting, beautiful, funny, profound, and deep relationships I've made with so many of the people here in the forums, and all the weirdness in between and humor and comedy that comes from the forum, this little nitch community that has been the start of some seriously deep, and meaningful friendships. I especially want to mention the people closest to me, PoC, my lover, and life partner, and 1337, my brother. I know 1337 is going to at least be a huge motivating force in helping me write it, if not assist me and co-author. I haven't discussed it with PoC just yet, but I hope he will give some assistance to it, even be it just moral support/proof reading, but maybe I can convince him to join the effort with 1337 and me to do this.
I really fucking love my family- my son, PoC, and 1337, and several of you weirdos out there who are my friends (Malice, Sophie, fuck, why not Lanny, MQ, HTS, Mash, and so many others over the years who've reached out, and grew a branch of kindness toward me, or toward them in this weird, fucked up world, on this fucky forum community...because we're lonely... and here we all are... to laugh, bulshit, insult, apologize, share, advise, support, care, and show compassion to and with each other.
I am so lucky. SOOOO fucking lucky to be loved like I am, by who I am. I'll never forget what we talked about tonight, tonight was special. Thanks for being my family, maybe not the kind that just is for some dumb reason like sharing genetics, no, for being part of my family because of love, want, and choice. I wouldn't be alive without the people in it who I love and call my family and friends. I feel so proud too, of who's my family, my closest friends, and one even being my lover.
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