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The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
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2016-01-28 at 9:38 PM UTCSeriously everyone else might not like grime, but this is just 14 minutes of pure........ intelligence. There's some freaking awesome UK rappers.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJOp1CqzaSg -
2016-01-28 at 11:04 PM UTCSoo... it's midnight and I just woke up from a 10 hour Benzo coma. Pretty refreshing to be honest.
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2016-01-28 at 11:39 PM UTCI just read the first couple of pages of this thread. Love is a battlefield.
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2016-01-29 at 12:34 AM UTCI might try and find some benzos tomorrow.
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2016-01-29 at 12:52 AM UTCWell...
Tell me about it, pretty much this time last year I took about 250, 300 (pills, not mg, I can't remember if they were .25 or .50, .I imagine they were .25) in 3 or 4 days and was walking down the middle of a busy road in the pitch black and snow hoping a car would hit me, and cutting up all my arms at some point over that period. Good times. They are potent as fuck, 2 of them pretty much have me losing control completely, but if I took 2 pills of any other benzo they wouldn't do much. But I've learnt my lesson and try not to touch any benzo these days, they just make me horribly depressed and suicidal.
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2016-01-29 at 1:15 AM UTC!!! I'm moving up in the world !!! Weed guy can get me ambien and Adderall instant release Found other guy who is now now my other dealer for suboxone and told me that one town in Nj is famous for cocaine Know gy who lives in town Told me he can get coke
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2016-01-29 at 1:25 AM UTCYou know you have to pay that stuff right?
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2016-01-29 at 3:01 AM UTCI'm bored as fuck.
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2016-01-29 at 3:02 AM UTC℃°°°°℃℃°°℃°℃°°°°℃℃°°℃°°℃°°℃°
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2016-01-29 at 3:12 AM UTC...{⊙ω⊙}...
</......,......\ >
....\......../.....
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2016-01-29 at 3:12 AM UTCRecurrent theme in my thoughts, when reflecting upon my life: I can't fucking believe it. At this point I've spent nearly equal amounts of time open and in an emotionally closed off autistic state. And it was all triggered by feeling abandoned and betrayed by my only close friend from grades 3-7; it seems so absurd at this point that something so relatively insignificant could have lead to this.
There's a sort of karmic justice to it, though. I was a horrible/fucked up person, mostly internally, in terms of my desires and thoughts. I really feel badly about what I did to my parents, it was one of the things I kept replaying in my mind after my mental breakdown and surge in empathy and guilt. Checked Google street view and it seems the house my parents used to live at was demolished and replaced. I really wonder what happened after I disappeared about 7 years ago, particularly how my father reacted (kind of an odd guy, I can see a lot of myself in him). Pretty depressing if I'm never able to contact them again. The LA area is just so huge, if they're even there, and not knowing any relatives, being able to find anyone on social media or any other method for finding people. Fortunately I did find the profile of a cousin of mine, just one person, who may be able to ask their parents if they have their contact info (and they in turn could ask their network).
You really don't know how much people matter, even shallow relationships, from work, or family (even if you don't feel particularly close to them) until you lose everyone in your life for an extended period of time. I completely understand why normal people place so much value on, want, marriage and to start a family. As gay as in company, open/carefree and relaxed as in solitude; the value of intimate/meaningful relationships, being understood, sharing things with others.
It's just a bizarre and tragic situation to be in. It radically alters your perception of the world, the conscious experience. I wanted to go it completely alone, and it destroyed me. I should really be a case study, "Malice syndrome".
Also, a possible plan if I manage to overcome severe depression and the effects of isolation to a good enough extent:Board of Governors Fee Waiver (BOGW): The BOGW waives enrollment fees at California Community Colleges for California residents who meet specific requirements. BOGW recipients do not have to be enrolled in any minimum number of units and only have to complete one application to be covered for a full academic year.
To qualify, you must meet one of the following requirements:
Complete the FAFSA or Dream Act Application and demonstrate at least $1104 in unmet financial need.
Be a recipient (or, if dependent, have parents who are the recipients of) Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF), Supplemental Security Income (SSI), or General Assistance.
Meet the income requirements by family size. Click here to view the income requirements for the 2015-2016 academic year.
Score! http://www.edsmart.org/top-community-colleges-california/
Possibly Diablo Valley or De Anza. Start off with a normal workload, see how I handle it, then full time, I mean max efficiency, every single day, which would be effective for recovery as well, then possibly transfer with a (genuine) sob story attached, possibly feasibly manage to make it through with a perfect GPA. I'd genuinely have no other obligations, but, fuck has this decade+ damaged me. I still had natural potential not so long ago that it makes me think it's impossible to claw my way back, it's just such an innate part of human experience, fortunately I wasn't isolated before that period as well and end up like Genie (feral child). If Nardil + NSI-189 can manage to kick me into hypomanic mode, it may be possible. Still, a lifetime of a lack of development and bad habits, never having the right environment, no emotional support... -
2016-01-29 at 3:55 AM UTCYou're all cute But I can't breathe all too very good, I think it's the weed but Ive taken 24mg if buprenorphine so far and I can't breathe all too very good There's 6 mg naltrexone of naloxone tincture it's fucking up my fiasco
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2016-01-29 at 4:21 AM UTC
You're all cute But I can't breathe all too very good, I think it's the weed but Ive taken 24mg if buprenorphine so far and I can't breathe all too very good There's 6 mg naltrexone of naloxone tincture it's fucking up my fiasco
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypoventilation -
2016-01-29 at 4:27 AM UTCTake more so the Naloxone kicks in. That will save you.
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2016-01-29 at 6:03 AM UTC
Score! http://www.edsmart.org/top-community-colleges-california/
Possibly Diablo Valley or De Anza. Start off with a normal workload, see how I handle it, then full time, I mean max efficiency, every single day, which would be effective for recovery as well, then possibly transfer with a (genuine) sob story attached, possibly feasibly manage to make it through with a perfect GPA. I'd genuinely have no other obligations, but, fuck has this decade+ damaged me. I still had natural potential not so long ago that it makes me think it's impossible to claw my way back, it's just such an innate part of human experience, fortunately I wasn't isolated before that period as well and end up like Genie (feral child). If Nardil + NSI-189 can manage to kick me into hypomanic mode, it may be possible. Still, a lifetime of a lack of development and bad habits, never having the right environment, no emotional support…
Study a little and sit a SAT and you could do better than a community college, calgrant alone payed 100% of my tuition (granted I didn't go to stanford), fafsa gives about the same in grants (you could milk the whole hispanic thing for considerably more) and a ton more in subsidized (interest free) loans that you can drop in a low risk investment plan and collect a few bucks over 4 years for toys before handing it back. You can get in on scores alone (that's what I had to do, my highschool's curriculum wasn't even recognized as sufficient to apply to UCs).
It's an ugly truth that post secondary education is just as stratified as the ecosystem it empties out into. Mobility exists but by and large the quality of your peers is determined by the pricetag. -
2016-01-29 at 6:31 AM UTCDefinitely agree on the last line. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Assortative_mixing
The ugly reality is, I'm about to be 26 and had a 2.0 GPA in highschool. Went to a shitty minority middle school in south central LA and that's when I lost interest. I was really autistic, and although I managed to come to terms with some things and reduce the severity, I'm still impacted by a lifetime of it.
Community colleges aren't necessarily that bad, but, IIRC, for the majority the outcomes are abysmal, something like on average only 10% transferred to and received a bachelor's within 4 years, something along those lines. The ones I'm referring to are specifically known for transferring to the UC system.
Another thing is teacher quality. IIRC there's actually an inverse ration between research or status and amount of time spent teaching. Truth is, the best academics generally don't want to spend most of their time teaching a bunch of stupid kids straight of high school, and most people, even in good 4 years universities, are fucking stupid. This will vary greatly by major though.
http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/gnxp/2012/01/classicists-are-smart/
Unfortunately, I don't have an affinity for the hard sciences. I actually like the social sciences, but by god, they tend to have the worst people! http://heterodoxacademy.org/2015/09/14/bbs-paper-on-lack-of-political-diversity/
I don't fit in anywhere. Do you see the general picture? I don't have the background and I'm extremely damaged from never having the right environment, intervention, and literally having been a severely depressed and socially isolated hikikomori for the past 5 years. I've really been in a spiral of depression and isolation for over a decade without realizing it.
I'm getting an extremely late start in life, and don't even have IRL social experience. I'm not kidding when I say everything went wrong. Finally snapping out of it and realizing what a nightmare I was in was what made it seem like my entire life had been leading to suicide.
Not sure if I could realistically get in on SAT alone at my point in life, at my current state, with everything that has been building up over a lifetime. Unless I milk the sob story angle, which is a genuine sob story. Minority, disabled, bad past...seems plausible, although pretty grimy to knowingly take advantage of it. -
2016-01-29 at 6:51 AM UTCAlso, I wasn't joking about the possible autism spectrum/autistic traits thing (first 3 segments): http://niggasin.space/forum/better-living-through-chemistry/67-the-retarded-thread-fuck-§m£ÂgØL-made-one-first-edition?p=59789#post59789
But maybe it's just wishful thinking or projection. *shrugs*
I do remember you writing some time ago about worrying about ending up alone and miserable. Then there's the whole alcoholism thing, which could be covering up how you really feel, or, then again, maybe it just does simply make things better. I'm trying not to assume, project, paint an inaccurate portrait of you for whatever reason is driving me, I know it must be annoying as hell (potentially).
Oh, my point, and this is really all that matters, is that if there's one piece of advice I'd want to give you simply out of altruism, upon reflecting on my life, it's the value of meaningful relationships. I don't know how meaningful your past relationships have been and what your thoughts on marriage are (A lot I could say on this, how I've come to genuinely understand multiple viewpoints instead of fixating on the negative/my own inclination) or a life partner, if you find the odd gem who doesn't see the need for it (I do understand the allure of a commitment ceremony, and would never become involved with someone who wasn't willing to have a long rational discussion on important matters such as this), and you are at a young age, but...
Just don't end up alone, okay? You're successful and well adjusted enough that I don't think it's likely to be an issue, but you did state you've never felt any particular longing for company, among other things. In the past I would have been the last person to admit this, around my mid-teens I actually had the thought that if I ever met someone I fell in love with I should kill them and have literally coldly shunned and rejected every single girl that showed interest in me because of my bizarre views on life, but you're probably going to be all around much happier, stable, and do better in life if you find someone to truly, meaningfully, love and relate to. God I fucking hate the way that sounds and I still feel immense internal turmoil/resistance and resentment toward the idea, but it's the ugly biological reality.
It seems so fucking absurd that so many people are getting married and having children by their mid 20s, when they're still so relatively undeveloped. Still, if you're in a good environment to find someone special, don't let them pass you by. I honestly can't imagine what the kind of woman I'd want to love, if I make it past this point and am capable of it, would be like. -
2016-01-29 at 8:13 AM UTChttp://wrongplanet.net/forums/viewtopic.php?t=275745
You ca be smart, autistic, and an absolute mess/failure. I wonder if I have executive dysfunction, or how much may be from severe depression and isolation, never having the right environment, life, I needed.
It's another recurring theme, wondering what could have been.
Reading some of these stories, it makes me feel good to know that there are a lot of other people that could have had enormous potential, but were incredibly damaged/flawed in other ways.
I seriously want to start meetups for people like this. "Smart losers", "failed geniuses". Completely unrelatable to the common man as well as to the successful/well adjusted intelligent. This would be great for a site like meetup.com, an unmet market.
I'm also wondering whether it would be a good idea to try to find an (older) woman to make a project out of me, try to take care of me, like some of the people in this category seem to have found. It's very possible, I have some funny stories related to that, despite my limited social experience. I don't know what the fuck they were thinking (women), but I regret not taking the chances now. -
2016-01-29 at 9:15 AM UTCFuuuuark, NSI-189 does something fierce. I'm only taking 5mg 2x, 1/8th the standard dose, but it's potent! It seems to have this effect where it, unfortunately, kicks in at night and makes me feel somewhat hypomanic, although in a lopsided manner. Now I'm remembering what part of my problem was before I fully fell into this state. Actually, the damage was being done from the start, but even in my state, I was an infovore, I cared more about data than about people. That's part of the reason why I neglected the IRL, due to my incredibly autistic cognitive style I cared more about data/information than people, compared the benefit of online communication to IRL and the former seemed the rational choice due to having multiple advantages. But without an outlet, I just felt half asleep all the time.
It's like, I had all this tremendous potential energy, I've speculated that I may be hypomanic, but at the same time I...didn't have an outlet for it, it wasn't properly channeled? Thinking back, I definitely was able to go a mile a minute at times. Then there's the issue of not being able to derive pleasure in my current state, my psychological profile interfering with success and the normal drivers of man (women, status, culture, desire to make family proud, competition etc., I was anti all of those), then just draining the meaning out of everything. So I just went into this sort of stasis mode where I was half asleep and in my own mind, and who knows what it did to my neurological development, whether my brain still developed normally without really being fully pushed or engaged.
So it's like, I have all this energy, but at the same time, I don't want to do anything, the world feels inadequate for it? Or is it due to the factors I mentioned above, because of my current state? Seriously, I feel like I may not be able to be happy even if I'm happy. I just want to be able to kick back and chill, enjoy life like a surfer dude or something along that archetype, instead of feeling like I always need to be doing something. Although, maybe if I do find something I enjoy, actually give something a chance, I'll find that I'm actually a lot happier being engaged, in a state of flow, than I am now. That may be what programming feels like to you, Lanny. What's my equivalent of programming? Hypomanic entrepreneurial crime? If that's the case, I'd seriously like to team up with Casper and be the shadow king behind the operation, he can handle the IRL interaction and action; we'd be such a good team.
This brought me to another though I had overlooked. What is happiness? Is it really developed over a lifetime, can the capacity for it be permanently and largely damaged over a lifetime like mine, or can it be induced and modulated via pharmacological and technological mechanisms with a fairly rapid turnaround time?
Hmm, develop a stable/healthy base and make getting a high SAT score (even going as far as to utilize novel/creative ways of cheating and getting away with it) and make that my new goal, a game?
At the end of it, for now, it just interferes with sleeping and makes me feel...restless, yes, that's the word! This is completely uninteresting to anyone but myself, but here's one key bit of good information: If you have any disorder that may be alleviated by NSI (depression, damage caused by long-term stress/anxiety) and would like to get your old self back (countblah), give NSI-189 a try. Just a tiny amount may make a huge difference, and most people seem to notice something right away. Just a gram is so relatively cheap you'd be a fool not to try it, considering the lengths many people go to find an alternative, the potential cumulative/net benefits. It's the leading edge of antidepressant therapy. -
2016-01-29 at 9:45 AM UTC
Well…
Shh.
