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The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
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2016-01-16 at 8:42 AM UTC
My grandma just asked me to submit a DNR notice for my dad, so that's fun
What do you plan to do when the time comes? I'm genuinely curious about how you plan to cope with it. The Intense World Theory led me to recalling memories and behaviors from the past, and one aspect was emotional intensity, at least to negative events. Fortunately I never dealt with the loss of a person in my life, but one thing that caused me to close off another aspect of myself was:I began to realize a long time ago that I don't like living things in general anymore, but before that, I remember the guinea pigs I had had been developing a sickness that would kill them in a day. It was like the symptoms of a strong cold, and they would become stiff. They never survived and I cried as I held them in my arms. I spent so much time thinking, thinking about the nature of people and relationships, I can't remember what all my thoughts were. I think I saw emotions and connections with others as a weakness, an obstacle to full mastery over myself, and decided to close myself off, and I did, I not only hardened my heart, but entombed it. It worked all too well, I closed myself off from the pain, but the sense of detachment took away the joy, the warmth, I had felt from raising them as well. It's would thing to be able to endure, to strengthen yourself and be able to ward off pain, it's another to not be able to feel even if you desperately want to. I didn't realize the mistake I had made until it was far too late, so many years later. Humans weren't meant to be alone.
Along with feeling betrayed/abandoned by my best friend since 3rd grade (Our meeting was perfect, he passed my a note with three questions designed to test my knowledge/intelligence. He was more well rounded, a typical gifted person, I was more aloof and may have had higher raw potential, but was very much autistic. Only person I really talked to significantly until some time late in 7th.
Do you have people specifically in mind to go to for emotional support, to discuss what you're feeling/experiencing? Are you open to grief counseling? I don't know what kind of person you are IRL, but I hope you're not planning to bottle it up and deal with it yourself, particularly considering how the affair has effected you, bothered you more than you may have expected. Caution with psychedelics is particularly important to take, I know from firsthand experience. "Non-specific general amplifiers." Even some time afterward, if it's still unresolved, or if you're repressing some things, it can bring them to the surface and you'll be confronted with them at great intensity. Aborting the trip isn't a perfected solution, and may make things worse if you do so while leaving the issue unresolved, rather than working through it. It really fucked me up and sent me into a depressive spiral. Grief is normal, though, but if it happens to you, you know I'd always love to have someone to discuss depressing matters with, I've dwelled in this for a longer period and to a deeper extent than nearly anyone you'll likely find. I'm the kind of person that wouldn't feel uncomfortable with seeing you cry, or have my view of you negatively impacted. I'd join in with you. We could even watch Anohana together, possibly amplified by empathogens.
Lanny, do you ever deeply ruminate on the mismatch between biological reality and the ideal, the flaws of human existence, the ugly reality of human nature? Shit's fucked up. It's the major line of thought that started this period of isolation 12 years ago. "I ain't playing this game." I began systemizing the human race, atypical of an autist, my affinity and interests were for the social sciences, although it was a negative fixation.
It's something more likely to occur when you're in a depressive state, a negative psychological state, and have those predispositions. When you're happy with your work and life in general, well, I don't blame you for not dwelling on those ugly thoughts, and they only served to make me miserable and disillusioned, alienated and detached. As a universalist/utilitarian, though, you should consider whether you have a duty to ponder the problems of human existence so as to better be able to understand and possibly help attenuate them. It helps greatly with understanding the world, the fundamentals of human existence, and predicting outcomes.
I'm certainly not assuming you're oblivious to the subject and have done no significant reading. One example I would highly recommend starting with is the book Is There Anything Good About Men, to develop a basis for understanding the line of thought that could lead to my current state. -
2016-01-17 at 1:32 AM UTC- "What do we want?"
- "Now!"
- "When do we want it?"
- "Fewer race conditions!" -
2016-01-17 at 8:47 AM UTC
What do you plan to do when the time comes? I'm genuinely curious about how you plan to cope with it.
I'll do it if I have to (cut off life support or submit a DNR or whatever else is appropriate). My grandma kinda pulled a fast one on me, seems like she represented herself as someone else so that I'm now the person with power of attorney. But I get it, losing your kid is a lot worse than losing a parent, we all have at least some psychological preparation for the latter. Her essentially killing her own son would be something unreasonable to ask of her, so I guess that mean's it's on me. It sucks but that's what it's come to. My current plan is to drink/smoke/sedate away my sorrows for a while to limp though the next few weeks and deal with my own feelings after going through the agonizing social ritual that is someone dying. It's depressing, what really fucks me up is thinking about what I would say at a funeral or dealing with interacting with my family. Jesus, loss is loss and you'd think that'd be enough but for some reason I have to go through this whole process, a public display of grief, when all I want to do is curl up and forget. This shit wouldn't be fast as hard if I didn't feel like my every reaction was being judged for sincerity.
Along with feeling betrayed/abandoned by my best friend since 3rd grade (Our meeting was perfect, he passed my a note with three questions designed to test my knowledge/intelligence. He was more well rounded, a typical gifted person, I was more aloof and may have had higher raw potential, but was very much autistic. Only person I really talked to significantly until some time late in 7th.
Have I ever posted about my friend Seth? Well former friend I guess, we went to high school together. He was pretty clearly autistic in some sense, tremendously poor skills for reading situations or maybe more accurately he didn't seem to care or realize the importance of not being "weird". We hung out a lot, for a while he was probably the only person I talked to on a regular basis, my only real friend for a while. We used to sit together at lunch and bullshit about whatever, both budding pseudo-intellectuals so a lot of talking about books we didn't really understand. Played cards a lot. There were two incidents I had with good ole Seth. One was when we were talking to some classmates, a couple of girls, I think they asked if we were friends after noticing we always ate lunch together. I opened my mouth to respond but he jumped in with something like "I'm careful about who I call my friend, wouldn't want to embarass someone", knowing he was a social pariah. I should have jumped in and been like "fuck yes we're friends, only damn friend I have" but I just stayed quiet, didn't want to be seen as more of an outcast for being friends with the weird kid. Then another time where he was climbing a tree at school and a bunch of students were egging him on, kinda making fun of him, and I joined in. I should have told him to get down since he was embarrassing himself, everyone was laughing at him spastically climbing a tree, but I didn't, I told him to keep climbing. Those two things kill me, there's nothing I feel more guilt over than that. He was a total bro, always there for me, and twice I stubbed him to try and seem "cooler" to a bunch of fucking 15 year old shits. God I hate myself for that.Do you have people specifically in mind to go to for emotional support, to discuss what you're feeling/experiencing? Are you open to grief counseling? I don't know what kind of person you are IRL, but I hope you're not planning to bottle it up and deal with it yourself, particularly considering how the affair has effected you, bothered you more than you may have expected.
I mean I have people I could "go to for emotional support" I suppose but I won't. I can deal with being sad, but the performance of sadness kills me. Like when my dad first ended up in the hospital I flew down to see him, came back and most the people I worked with asked where I had been the last few days. Explaining that to people, seeing their reactions, pity I guess? Made me want to curl up and die. I'd rather pretend everything is alright until it is.Caution with psychedelics is particularly important to take, I know from firsthand experience. "Non-specific general amplifiers." Even some time afterward, if it's still unresolved, or if you're repressing some things, it can bring them to the surface and you'll be confronted with them at great intensity. Aborting the trip isn't a perfected solution, and may make things worse if you do so while leaving the issue unresolved, rather than working through it.
Yeah, that's something I've been thinking about. I mean it's a double edged sword right? I mean there's a lot of potential for coming to terms, confronting something terrible and accepting it. But conversely I know how it can becomes a downward spiral, recurring negative obsession. I'm not going to be tripping in the near future, mostly because I'm expecting that final call any minute now and being in the middle of a trip when that happens would go south fast.Grief is normal, though, but if it happens to you, you know I'd always love to have someone to discuss depressing matters with, I've dwelled in this for a longer period and to a deeper extent than nearly anyone you'll likely find. I'm the kind of person that wouldn't feel uncomfortable with seeing you cry, or have my view of you negatively impacted. I'd join in with you. We could even watch Anohana together, possibly amplified by empathogens.
Aww, that's sweet. Did I mention I watched Anohana? It was good, although I don't think I was a moved by it as you were. Last two episodes in particular came off a little melodramatic but it was well composed, had a nice atmosphere and complementary art style.Lanny, do you ever deeply ruminate on the mismatch between biological reality and the ideal, the flaws of human existence, the ugly reality of human nature?
Oh sure, although I'm an optimist in the large. It's true we're deeply defective, all of us just by merit of being human, but I still think there's a way out. The "ugliness of human nature" has become progressively less ugly with each passing era, things are getting better on the whole. There was a time when we were so limited that we couldn't keep records beyond our own memories, our intellect was entirely constrained to our deeply flawed biological processes of memory but then things got better, we became super-human with literacy, language, information could be externalized. And from the rise of literacy to now we've become more and more apt at overcoming our biological limitations. We can still rectify our failings, given enough time, and of all the worlds we could imagine ourselves in the one where there seems to be a viable path to making ourselves better, overcoming the limitations of the flesh, that seems like a pretty good world on the whole.As a universalist/utilitarian, though, you should consider whether you have a duty to ponder the problems of human existence so as to better be able to understand and possibly help attenuate them. It helps greatly with understanding the world, the fundamentals of human existence, and predicting outcomes.
I'm not a UU, although my parents were/are (the "inherent worth of every person" generally seems to tie ones hands in addressing "evil" or sources of disproportionate disutility). Certainly I think we all have a duty to ponder the problems of our existence, of our world, and to remedy them as we can. But I think we can honestly confront the issues that plague us without giving into defeatism or melancholy.I'm certainly not assuming you're oblivious to the subject and have done no significant reading. One example I would highly recommend starting with is the book Is There Anything Good About Men, to develop a basis for understanding the line of thought that could lead to my current state.
You've watched waking life of course. This scene, https://vimeo.com/35992277I've read the post-modernists with some interest, even admiration. But when I read them I always have this awful nagging feeling that something absolutely essential is getting left out. The more you talk about someone as a social construction or as a confluence of forces or as fragmented, or marginalized, what you do is open up a whole new world of excuses. And when Sarte talks about responsibility, he's not talking about something abstract… it's something very concrete, it's your and me talking, making decisions, doing things, and accepting the consequences
always put the point well I think. And Baumeister seems guilty of this as much as the third wave feminism he's taken as a reaction to. Like isn't "my people have been exploited so I'm going to go be useless" the ultimate abdication of responsibility? -
2016-01-17 at 9:51 AM UTCRough outline of a thought I had while mediating, before my sleep stack fully kicks in and I become too sloppy.
"Beat the game."
"Go straight to the source." "Choose to be happy."
Related to the mismatch between biological reality and idealism, bypassing choices, natural inclinations/human behaviors, that are arguably immoral and going straight to the source. That was just the basis for what led to the following:
What if it can be argued that wireheading is not only an ideal state for man to reach, but that it is immoral not to become a wirehead?
Man cannot live by reason alone. Many of our biological inclinations compel us to perform actions, some required to maintain a certain level of functioning, of optimal mental and physical health even if you wish to devote yourself to altruistic ends, that can be considered immoral, at least by the opportunity cost argument. Antinatalism is an example of a strong biological drive that can be considered one of the most immoral and selfish acts possible, yet human evolution had led to having children being a core experience for most, and, arguably, one that provides a unique experience that cannot be realistically approximated by other means, that triggers a certain biological cascade ("Happiness is love." The joy of nurturing. The experience of childhood and sharing in it.). For the opportunity cost argument, our natural inclinations lead us to pursue acts for our own utility, but are generally far from being optimal for the overall well being of others. The argument from hypocrisy against the left/utilitarian thought, think of what could be done if the money used for even one small act of daily life, purchasing a coffee, was spent elsewhere. Or your career, you love it, you're inclined to it and the joy/satisfaction you derive from it allows you to exert yourself to your fullest realistic potential, but in terms of utilitarianism, even with problems inherent to calculation, you could easily see alternatives you could devote yourself to that would be much more effective for increasing the utility of others (effective charity work).
Another major problem I have is that of women. Jesus christ, our fucking biological imperative, how it permeates culture and human behavior. It genuinely sickens me. "I wish to be more than man."
With wireheading, I could immediately deal with the critique that will be proposed that people could simply be content without action by instead stating that in a state of constant satisfaction, and we could even modulate this so that activity was preferred to rest, acting would be no different in terms of pleasure than simply laying down in a euphoriant daze. By bypassing our natural inclinations, our biological predispositions, what has been programmed to give us pleasure, we would then be in a state where we would be able to devote ourselves to acting on pure reason alone, our need for pleasure, reward, already fulfilled. I am happy, I recognize that I will be just as happy contributing to the well being of others, my ideological stance, my ability to reason, drives me to make that decision, which is not impeded by competing desires, by any natural displeasure I would normally feel from doing something outside of my predispositions,
What do you think?
Also related to a thought I had next: Once Lanny's father dies take the opportunity to offer to IV heroin with them. The easing of the pain could provide a rife opportunity for addiction, knocking down that pretentious twat, unremarkable in his region when compared to the multitudes of others in his field and with various personal deficits, to my level, forcing him to be my friend IRL, if only for the access to heroin.
Only a true friend would take advantage of your father's impending death in order to evoke an addiction to opioids in you so that you become dependent, your level of success and functioning is diminished to the point where you no longer feel superior, and you're mine. That's how much I want (to be) you(r friend), Lanny. -
2016-01-17 at 10:11 AM UTCI like Malice's and Lanny's little e-bromance, it's sweet.
​I'm also still realllllly drunk. I was drinking whiskey with tea in it last night cos I didn't realise the glass still had a bit of tea left in the bottom. Tasty. -
2016-01-17 at 12:10 PM UTCYou have heroin?
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2016-01-17 at 12:12 PM UTCI just remembered that Mark died not too long ago. Anyone of you could be next.
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2016-01-17 at 12:51 PM UTCYou know what's funny? You can write hundreds of pages of perfectly formulated sentences about pain and dispair, lay your deepest abyss right infront of me and I'd still tell you to not give up yet I don't have to come up with a single word to perfectly understand that there is absolutely no hope for myself.
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2016-01-17 at 1:04 PM UTC
You know what's funny? You can write hundreds of pages of perfectly formulated sentences about pain and dispair, lay your deepest abyss right infront of me and I'd still tell you to not give up yet I don't have to come up with a single word to perfectly understand that there is absolutely no hope for myself.
I made up a word for your condition: Autoexaporeógenesis.
From the greek words: Auto(self), Exaporeó(despair), Genesis(origin/creation). -
2016-01-17 at 1:29 PM UTCI wouldn't call it a condition. Isn't it common behavior to be egocentric?
I forgot what the word was called.. something with A as well, I think. It means lack of experience. Mhmm... anyway, that would fit, too. -
2016-01-17 at 1:33 PM UTC
I wouldn't call it a condition. Isn't it common behavior to be egocentric?
I forgot what the word was called.. something with A as well, I think. It means lack of experience. Mhmm… anyway, that would fit, too.
Condition or not, my word is awesome. -
2016-01-17 at 1:59 PM UTC
Condition or not, my word is awesome.
You probably stole it from Batman. -
2016-01-17 at 3:32 PM UTC
You probably stole it from Batman.
Nope. Go watch all batman movies and eat your hat. -
2016-01-17 at 4:25 PM UTCUnrelated:
This is arguably one of the best songs ever written.
And i don't even like old school music in general. -
2016-01-17 at 8:49 PM UTC
You have heroin?
Me? Nah, I live with a smack dealer so I could get it if I wanted. -
2016-01-17 at 9:38 PM UTC
What if it can be argued that wireheading is not only an ideal state for man to reach, but that it is immoral not to become a wirehead?
It seems that in the absence of some (bullshit) moral objection this is a really trivial conclusion.Man cannot live by reason alone. Many of our biological inclinations compel us to perform actions, some required to maintain a certain level of functioning, of optimal mental and physical health even if you wish to devote yourself to altruistic ends, that can be considered immoral, at least by the opportunity cost argument.
Think about that for a second and you'll realize why it doesn't work.For the opportunity cost argument, our natural inclinations lead us to pursue acts for our own utility, but are generally far from being optimal for the overall well being of others. The argument from hypocrisy against the left/utilitarian thought, think of what could be done if the money used for even one small act of daily life, purchasing a coffee, was spent elsewhere.
It's true many of our creature comforts really are suboptimal expense of resources but not all. Our psychological well being depends on some level of comfort, sometimes we have to reduce net utility (spending money on things that make your life pleasant enough to continue good work) in the short term for a win in the long term. Like if a doctor stumbles into a field hospital it would seem only reasonable to give him special attention, even at the cost of multiple other lives, if we would expect at the end of time for a net greater number of people to receive treatment my merit of their being one more doctor on staff thereafter.
Or your career, you love it, you're inclined to it and the joy/satisfaction you derive from it allows you to exert yourself to your fullest realistic potential, but in terms of utilitarianism, even with problems inherent to calculation, you could easily see alternatives you could devote yourself to that would be much more effective for increasing the utility of others (effective charity work).
I don't think that's true. I'm pretty good at my job, programmers get pretty good incomes, among the jobs that would likely pay better there are few, I think none, I could do better at (that is, earn more money long term). There are people who do this, they become wallstreet traders with the intention of raking in big bucks and giving as much of it away as they can, which is admirable, it's just I'm never going to make it as an investment trader.Also related to a thought I had next: Once Lanny's father dies take the opportunity to offer to IV heroin with them. The easing of the pain could provide a rife opportunity for addiction, knocking down that pretentious twat, unremarkable in his region when compared to the multitudes of others in his field and with various personal deficits, to my level, forcing him to be my friend IRL, if only for the access to heroin.
I'll never say no to opiates but I think you underestimate my ability to dodge addiction, or at least keep it in check, cut back as necessary. I reckon I could keep a pretty normal lifestyle with a moderate opiate dependency although I wouldn't want to. The whole alcoholism thing has been going pretty well so far. It gives me a special kind of joy to stumble into work drunk or hungover and have people tell me what a great job I'm doing. Receiving accolades while basically sleeping through the ole dayjob.Only a true friend would take advantage of your father's impending death in order to evoke an addiction to opioids in you so that you become dependent, your level of success and functioning is diminished to the point where you no longer feel superior, and you're mine. That's how much I want (to be) you(r friend), Lanny.
Aww, that's sweet. Don't know why you think I feel superior though. I'd offer to hang out some time but I think we both know that couldn't work. -
2016-01-17 at 10:11 PM UTC
Aww, that's sweet. Don't know why you think I feel superior though. I'd offer to hang out some time but I think we both know that couldn't work.
I think Malice might go full homo for you soon. -
2016-01-17 at 10:37 PM UTCI see no reason why it wouldn't work. Just hang out you fucking faggots. Rent a movie, get high and see where it goes from there.
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2016-01-17 at 10:38 PM UTC
Me? Nah, I live with a smack dealer so I could get it if I wanted.
That's always nice. How much for a gram? -
2016-01-17 at 10:38 PM UTCWell, Lanny, you did make this offer to §m£ÂgØL?
hey §m£ÂgØL, come to san francisco. We have really friendly policies towards vagrants and there's this dope alley right next to where I live with a hostel you could stay at or just set up shop in the alley. I'd give you my wifi password and throw food at you once a day or something and if you're nice I'd let you stay in the gated part outside my door so you don't have to fight the other bums who want this prime real estate. You could even use my shower before job interviews at fast food restaurants or something if you sucked my dick for it.
It's a sweet deal mang, consider it.
What could I receive in exchange for the premium homo experience? I mean everything optimized, risk free, unlike with most people, shameless and open, knowledgeable on carnal techniques, the optimal methods for pleasure, both for giving oral and receiving anal, perfectly clean inside and out (One of the ways my OCD traits manifest is cleaning related OCD).
I wouldn't be above whoring myself out for money, or a good gaming PC + a VR headset (it could be used to save money). This way you could have the full experience with someone you know well enough, at least online (I'm not radically different IRL, just shy and harmless tbh), while not having the massive problems and risks that would come from finding a gay fuck buddy or someone to have a relationship IRL (you know how problematic that tends to be). You can afford it, and it's something that on some level you know you should experience at least once before you might find someone to settle down with. I could bring powerful aphrodisiacs as well, here's a stack I've mentioned before:Take some GHB for the strong aphrodisiac, anxiolytic, and muscle relaxant effects, the last being very beneficial for anal sex, it will allow your virgin White twink anus to take big throbbing cocks without tearing. PT-141 also has strong aphrodisiac effects, it is selective for this effect, and combining the two, particularly if you were willing to stack it with 4-FA/2-FMA (whatever you think would work best, 4-FA is generally better for social situations, but the serotonin release tends to have a stronger effect on erectile dysfunction, leading to my next suggestion) and a sublingual/intranasal viagra spray.
It would all lead to the most mindblowing experience of your life, well worth the money. It would be beneficial for me as well, provide some life experience, social experience and experience with intimacy, along with much needed income or VR to support my recovery/reintegration into society.
