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The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
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2016-01-12 at 8:44 AM UTCSploo is a fellow aspie/autist! http://web.archive.org/web/201409231...?tag=aspergers
You couldn't hide forever. I don't think I ever really noticed or payed attention to you on Zoklet, you weren't on my radar, there were some sections I never visited. Not sure if I've ever seen you admit this before. Oh, I actually posted in one of your threads. Must not have registered properly in my memory.
And a classic thread from the past, the deliriant speedball episode: http://web.archive.org/web/20140909232102/https://www.zoklet.net/bbs/showthread.php?t=242531 -
2016-01-12 at 9:19 AM UTC
trying to od by taking 200 benadryl on top of 50+ mg klonopin and ~14 beers is not something i'd like to repeat. i was in the hospital trying to smoke my IVs and text on the EKG thing. plus, trying to grab the lights on the ceiling because i thought the 3 bulbs were vicodins..
shit i almost forgot to lol
well the speedball part probably made it way worse tbh
you get a rush of bad feeling everywhere like youve been shot or stabbed and i started puking all over the place but i couldnt figure out where i was so i tried 2 stay in the same place but the floor kept lifted me up and throwing me down and i kept on puking and hte walls started shooting spiders and ghosts everywhere and then i kinda blacked out unti medical wires tried to stangle me and it was satans then i woke up again pretty sober i heard tthey were giving me valium shots to keep me out
i had the worst dry mouth ever and couldnt piss or shit in the hospital so they stuck thus wierd shit up my body
LOL.
Good god, I wonder what everything you've done over the years has done to your brain, sploo, particularly during such a critical period of development. Who knows what sort of bizarre symptoms you may end up displaying as you're older. It could be unparalleled, things never before seen. You should be a case study one day, have your brain, everything relevant, examined with the best instruments available.
We are the world's forgotten children. Those who were never meant to be, never meant for this place, who don't belong and are alone in the world. I wish someone had rescued each and every one of us from ourselves, given us the world we needed.
“There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.†-
2016-01-13 at 12:49 AM UTCThey need to rename this the "malice bitching about his life" thread
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2016-01-13 at 9:37 AM UTCMalice's autistic ramblings. You should do the same instead of shitposting, refine and channel your creative energy.
http://education-law.lawyers.com/school-law/does-my-child-have-a-permanent-school-record.html
We should all request our school records. I wish I had done this right after I graduated. I think the thought did cross my mind in the past, but I never went through with it, it must have just passed through and become lost like countless other thoughts. I'd love to see what's on mine. Hopefully it's still available and has everything. -
2016-01-13 at 9:27 PM UTC*farts loudly
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2016-01-14 at 4:39 AM UTChttps://youtu.be/ThmMaJgjzRg?t=4m7s
Lol, you guys. You're alright. Sploo, you give the appearance of being autistic, significantly more so than roshambo. Or maybe it's the drugs or being schizoid, or just your mood. I dunno, fucking complexity of the world. -
2016-01-14 at 7:06 AM UTCEval/Apply is the most profound idea you'll never understand
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2016-01-14 at 7:41 AM UTCGoogles Eval/Apply, thinks about the idea of trying to understand it before clicking/reading any links, is Lanny just trying to get me interested in computer programming/web development?, set a challenge (cluster of concepts around this), an effective method for social engineering, ego > reaction > desire to prove to self and others, prove wrong, profound and seemingly complex beyond my understanding = most effective succinct description for evoking interest for my personality profile
Job offer in the sector starting from post 9: http://niggasin.space/forum/oh-the-humanities/56474-fuck-individualism?p=57147#post57147well good job malice, you've engrained yourself as a permanent fixture in my thought process. Sometimes I find myself in a conversation and I think "malice would jump in here and accuse them of a fallacy and demean their world view" in real life.
Distinct enough impression to ingrain self as fixture in thought process, evoke thoughts in IRL/meatspace situations. Desire for (closer/real) friendship? Notices surge in posting frequency, length, and quality, signal of emerging from depressive state, display of potential cognitive ability, capability.
*closes two tabs*
Sorry Lanny, I'm not playing this game. I'm going back to watching anime alone in the dark (I won't lie and claim I was doing something more profound. Unless you count the thoughts I was having that...lead to nowhere and come from, are really only relevant to, someone in a position as odd as I'm in.). Muahahahaha!
See, this...this is why I'm not sure I'll ever be capable of having true IRL relationships. It's...different from typical autism, standard reasons such as fear, lack of social skills. Can you be so extreme on the empathizing-systemizing scale that it just destroys your ability to have normal relationships? Is this the outcome of thinking almost entirely with your head and denying, closing off and entombing your heart? What if there was a scan/analysis of my brain, the activity or structure, and an abnormality was pinpointed that allowed them to state with certainty that, at least with current technology/medicine, I would never be able to experience true empathy, that sense of connection to others.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Psychonaut/comments/3u9gak/lsd_for_introspection_on_severe_depression_and/The feeling of connection to others, so many points anchoring you throughout time, in other people's lives, so many perspectives and reaffirmations of your existence, the similarities, shared experiences, memories, knowledge of and concern for each others lives, your progression in it and challenges along the way, working toward a shared/common goal; a social/societal web, beneath the surface, keeping you grounded to the world, reality, molding the basis of what allows a human being's psychological well being. Just learning to develop and function as a human being, with others, the emotions you're supposed to feel and develop.
Stop thinking and start feeling? Just do? But...if I don't think...how do I know it's the right decision? Should there be a tradeoff for analysis? How do you deal with it?
This is why I call it "terminal autism". -
2016-01-14 at 8:19 AM UTCOr did he anticipate that and I play into his hand, and now I'm just predictable?! Or am I reading too much into this and now I'm the one demonstrating they're autistic, a reversal of our previous interaction?
I thought your post was going to end on this note and then my thought process was like this:
That's ironic
I should quote his reply with a link to irony on wikipedia
it's almost too ironic, was that a joke?
definitely a joke, and if I had replied he would have insinuated I was "poor at interpreting meaning" or something like that
so I'll ignore the post
or maybe I could point out I was able to pick up on his subtle joke and in so doing dispel any lingering concerns about being an autist
well good job malice, you've engrained yourself as a permanent fixture in my thought process. Sometimes I find myself in a conversation and I think "malice would jump in here and accuse them of a fallacy and demean their world view" in real life.
!?!? -
2016-01-14 at 10:07 AM UTC
Googles Eval/Apply, .
Something, something Lambda, something something LISP.
car cadr eval apply
This video will help you understand.
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2016-01-14 at 8:52 PM UTC
Or did he anticipate that and I play into his hand, and now I'm just predictable?! Or am I reading too much into this and now I'm the one demonstrating they're autistic, a reversal of our previous interaction?
thisGoogles Eval/Apply, thinks about the idea of trying to understand it before clicking/reading any links, is Lanny just trying to get me interested in computer programming/web development?, set a challenge (cluster of concepts around this), an effective method for social engineering, ego > reaction > desire to prove to self and others, prove wrong, profound and seemingly complex beyond my understanding = most effective succinct description for evoking interest for my personality profile
Not particularly but that would be a good strategy. I was just tripping on what I'm thinking was 25I and was thinking about Hofstadter's "consciousness as recursion" theory and how there are some interesting isomorphisms between subjective cognitive experience and the lambda calculus model of computation(eval/apply) that don't exist with the turing machine model.
It's actually a pretty simple idea although it has profound and complex implications, I just know you're not interested in computer science and would likely never take the time to learn about it.Distinct enough impression to ingrain self as fixture in thought process, evoke thoughts in IRL/meatspace situations. Desire for (closer/real) friendship? Notices surge in posting frequency, length, and quality, signal of emerging from depressive state, display of potential cognitive ability, capability.
No no, I have enough real world friends. I only have one half insane drug addicted autistic sadist to bullshit with online. Let's not ruin a good thing.See, this…this is why I'm not sure I'll ever be capable of having true IRL relationships. It's…different from typical autism, standard reasons such as fear, lack of social skills. Can you be so extreme on the empathizing-systemizing scale that it just destroys your ability to have normal relationships? Is this the outcome of thinking almost entirely with your head and denying, closing off and entombing your heart?
I doubt it, brilliant mathematicians, scientists, even euphoric fedora clad atheists can and do maintain real relationships and they're about far down the systematizing rabbit hole as you can go. -
2016-01-14 at 11 PM UTC
this
Not particularly but that would be a good strategy. I was just tripping on what I'm thinking was 25I and was thinking about Hofstadter's "consciousness as recursion" theory and how there are some interesting isomorphisms between subjective cognitive experience and the lambda calculus model of computation(eval/apply) that don't exist with the turing machine model.
It's not actually a pretty simple idea although it has profound and complex implications, I just know you're not interested in computer science and would likely never take the time to learn about it.
No no, I have enough real world friends. I only have one half insane drug addicted autistic sadist to bullshit with online. Let's not ruin a good thing.
I doubt it, brilliant mathematicians, scientists, even euphoric fedora clad atheists can and do maintain real relationships and they're about far down the systematizing rabbit hole as you can go.
Sophie: So Lan whatcha' up to?
Lanny: Oh you know, just contemplating Hofstadter's "consciousness as recursion" theory and how there are some interesting isomorphisms between subjective cognitive experience and the lambda calculus model of computation(eval/apply) that don't exist with the turing machine model.
Sophie: *Derp face*
See, Lanny is actually an intellectual Malice just thinks he is. -
2016-01-15 at 12:09 AM UTCI agree. My life is a trainwreck, I've admitted it many times before.
Now I feel profoundly depressed, in a very isolated segment of my mind. -
2016-01-15 at 6:17 AM UTC
I agree. My life is a trainwreck, I've admitted it many times before.
Now I feel profoundly depressed, in a very isolated segment of my mind.
I'm sorry. -
2016-01-15 at 9:40 AM UTCTheory finds that individuals with Asperger’s Syndrome don’t lack empathy – in fact if anything they empathize too much
https://seventhvoice.wordpress.com/2013/11/16/new-study-finds-that-individuals-with-aspergers-syndrome-dont-lack-empathy-in-fact-if-anything-they-empathize-too-much/
Looking back, this was the case for me. I may have just been so out of touch with my emotions, had become so closed off, that I didn't realize it. I was incredibly oversensitive as a child, and still am, despite my emotions being so blunted. My reaction to emotional pain was just to shut down and close myself off, it was completely out of proportion. Kind of amusing that beneath my demeanor I was more sensitive and easily hurt than anyone. At the root malice may have just been my form of lashing out, due to being in pain.
I was, and still am, extremely autistic. Unfortunately it was also combined with giftedness, which may have masked it to some extent, increased the chance of it being overlooked. I didn't have the environment I needed at all. Undiagnosed and unmanaged autism destroyed me. I'm not making excuses, normal people don't react to things and behave the way I did; I just came to terms to with it and reflected on my past, considered things from new and angles, with new knowledge. I didn't have the parents/family I needed, schools, guidance, therapy, support, environment in general. Most of my predispositions and behaviors that amplified the negative effects could probably be traced back to autism. Considering how out of touch I was with my emotions until my breakdown, I may have always been mildly depressed, even as a young child to some extent, worsening with time, and suffering, my stress levels and general anxiety from an overly intense world through the roof. The effects of chronic long term hypercortisolism, other effect of stress, and anxiety, are horrific. Permanent damage. It may have been to what led to be developing pre-diabetes, which I fortunately managed to recognize and control; and if it was the cause, it only demonstrates how insane my constant stress must have been. It's not a joke or whining, something you have to "get over" (I did, to a large extent, manage to reduce my symptoms) neurological disorders are fucked up. Imagine being on anti-xanax, a GABA antagonist, all the time, and that would only approximate one aspect of it.
It's hell, one of the worst disorders there is in terms of happiness and functioning, IMO, especially if untreated. My base state is still feeling that I don't want to be alive or part of this world, having a clear view of everything, the cold ugly reality, but I still decided to drag on. Can you realistically make up for two decades of experience and development, especially during such a critical period? Accepting humility, limitations of knowledge, and knowing that I may feel differently one day, are really all I have. That's it, there's nothing else. -
2016-01-15 at 8:30 PM UTCMy grandma just asked me to submit a DNR notice for my dad, so that's fun
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2016-01-15 at 9:19 PM UTCDon't give up, Malice. I feel like you should try to get a bigger audience. There are probably a lot of people who can conect to what you're saying but aren't articulate enough to grasp their own thoughts. Your view on depression is really clear for a firsthand experience of a mental illness. I hope you find a doctor who is able to deal with you. Maybe you can figure some shit out. Then publish your thoughts somewhere else where positive feedback is a possibility. Not on this hellhole of a website.
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2016-01-16 at 3:46 AM UTCLost a post. Thanking you for the idea, how it could be therapeutic, finding people with similar experiences, the traits I have that could be of benefit, brutal honestly, actively developed shamelessness, awareness, being willing to say what others aren't etc.
Then something about DMT and wanting, what I felt I really wanted, was to experience transcendence. To go beyond myself, the limitations of myself and the ego, my life history, even this world, ordinary reality, other people, society, and all the problems in it; to experience something beyond that. Questioning whether I was really in an optimal state for that, what if I was confronted by something I couldn't handle, wasn't ready for, having no one for emotional support, to speak to about it. Also an idea for a new build to use DMT with, something based on something McKenna had mentioned in a talk. It had a forked end to go into your nostrils and a friend on the other end would blow into a tube to force the smoke into you, combining the benefits of vaporization with some intranasal absorption via the sinus cavity. My idea is to combine it with a build based on this: https://wiki.dmt-nexus.me/The_Machine
The center chamber having (stainless) steel wool inside that would rapidly heat up and have a very large surface area, very rapidly vaporizing all the DMT, which would be dropped in from a hole above, which you would plug/cover. Instead of a friend you simply have a "third lung" device, just something to hold air in, the oven bag end of my heat gun vaporizer setup would work, that you could then squeeze. On the other end the forked tubes, and you could add some silicone for a snugger fit to your nostrils. The entire thing could also be suspended using a simple setup, PVC pipes and something to hang it from, along with a weight that would pull back from the end away from you, so that if you broke through you wouldn't need to worry about setting it down, just letting go would pull it away from you and out of the opening of your nostrils.
Also watching Cocaine Cowboys for the first time. Some of these guys, the way they operated their business, were brilliant, ingenious. Just a half hour in, but this guy stands out to me: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mickey_Munday -
2016-01-16 at 5:05 AM UTC
Then something about DMT and wanting, what I felt I really wanted, was to experience transcendence. To go beyond myself, the limitations of myself and the ego, my life history, even this world, ordinary reality, other people, society, and all the problems in it; to experience something beyond that. Questioning whether I was really in an optimal state for that, what if I was confronted by something I couldn't handle, wasn't ready for, having no one for emotional support, to speak to about it. Also an idea for a new build to use DMT with, something based on something McKenna had mentioned in a talk. It had a forked end to go into your nostrils and a friend on the other end would blow into a tube to force the smoke into you, combining the benefits of vaporization with some intranasal absorption via the sinus cavity. My idea is to combine it with a build based on this: https://wiki.dmt-nexus.me/The_Machine
The center chamber having (stainless) steel wool inside that would rapidly heat up and have a very large surface area, very rapidly vaporizing all the DMT, which would be dropped in from a hole above, which you would plug/cover. Instead of a friend you simply have a "third lung" device, just something to hold air in, the oven bag end of my heat gun vaporizer setup would work, that you could then squeeze. On the other end the forked tubes, and you could add some silicone for a snugger fit to your nostrils. The entire thing could also be suspended using a simple setup, PVC pipes and something to hang it from, along with a weight that would pull back from the end away from you, so that if you broke through you wouldn't need to worry about setting it down, just letting go would pull it away from you and out of the opening of your nostrils.
I guess there's something technically interesting in there (in a crude mechanical way) but man, a transcendent experience and this rube goldberg contraption seen leagues apart. -
2016-01-16 at 5:57 AM UTCI really didn't think the mechanism was interesting at all, it's just something crudely put together. Gets the job done, you know? Duct tape, pragmatism, simplicity.
It only delivers the drug. You get the the benefits of both routes, the faster onset and higher bioavailability or intranasal, that special quality it can have for many drugs (IIRC something about contact with something in the region bypasses the blood brain barrier), without the burning and other problems, slow onset, snorting powder would have, and any that isn't absorbed in the sinus cavity goes into the lungs. A quick boost to cause you to rapidly break through, push you past that point, (the part leading up to it can be really intense and scary for many, and they'd prefer to spend as little time as possible in this phase), then a (relatively) somewhat longer sustained release in the lungs, absorbing the leftover.
A simple molecule can indeed deliver a transcendent experience. Before trying psychedelics, would you really have thought the LSD experience would be as profound as it turned out to be? Even by reading trip reports, there really are things that you just can't properly via language, and DMT is supposed to be the substance most limited by this. "Impossible to describe", "nothing can prepare you for it" are commonly used.
I would love to try some experiments with it, combinations. Combining it with a b. caapi in changa, to prolong and slow down the experience, is a main modification. Another idea I have is to use hypermnesiacs to enable you to remember more of the experience, which can slip away very quickly, like dreams often do, along with the problem of state dependence, it being so far from ordinary reality that when you're in a sober state you just can't properly recreate it in memory, to fully recall it would be to experience it, memories are but shadows of past experience. Bacopa and PRL-8-53 are two drugs I would definitely use, possibly nicotine as well for an acetylcholine boost, the cognitive benefits/nootropic effects amplifying the experience, along with writing, drawing, and/or speaking right afterward, possibly other memory techniques, setting key "landmarks"/"tracers" at certain points, key parts to remember and then fill in the experience from there.
As with LSD, you have to learn its quirks, to really work with it and derive the full benefit. It's definitely the next big step in experience, I would love for you to take part in this project. Utilize it to the fullest extent you can achieve and bring back as much information as possible.
