Today I used pot and it seems that lately once a week has become the norm. Sensory hypersensitivity is back to sub 10mg levels. I wish I had weighed out how much I used today. By dosing such as absurd nootropic stack, using an accurate microgram scale every single day for such an absurd amount of substances, I developed the ability to generally tell by how much was in the microscoop, for everything, to a level of accuracy that was usually spot on most of the time or within 2 milligrams. I called it "the human scale".
It would have had some use if I wasn't so methodical and had stopped using a microgram scale so consistently. The regimen was like a ritual.
Tomorrow I take my weekly dose of intranasal ketamine.
Right now life still does not feel worth living, but every day regular dosing of methamphetamine, caffeine, and even fasoracetam for the last few days, has taxed my hiki atrophied body. I mean, considering everything in my past, it does seem you may be irrationally depressed if you don't see the very significant possibility that from going full hiki and literally never speaking to one for practically 14 years, with full isolation from barely even being around humans lasted about the last 5. I'm fully cognizant of just how many aspects of my life profoundly fucked me up. The full understanding of the situation is far greater than normal due to a variety of factors. There's a very real chance this could have caused permanent damage in some ways that and that the reality of the underlying conditions, such as autism and possibly chronic depression, reaching mild at most (dysthymia). I seem to derive very little pleasure from being alive and the shift in my mentality is...very different than the norm. There's also the anhedonia, worldview, and countless other factors that really may either never be resolved or take a very long time and large amount of effort to, and that may simply be to try to get near normal human levels.
Did anyone ever hear about Mitchell Heisman, a 35 year old Harvard philosophy graduate student who published an enormous 1,904 page manifesto and his motivation, which was due to his philosophical beliefs?
http://archive.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/articles/2010/09/27/book_details_motives_for_suicide_at_harvard/He self-diagnosed himself with Asperger's and there can be a very strange diversion in thought that can make people commit acts like this because they genuinely made a rational decision. I completely understand how someone's mentality could develop that they commit suicide primarily due to their philosophical viewpoints and how their mind developed from the combination of an unusually high level of intelligence, knowledge, and time spent thinking. Imagine how much time a complete lack of relationships leaves for reading and unusually long amounts of time spent ruminating, with a thinking style that can reach levels at the extreme end of systemizing ability, lack of emotion, complete lack of influence by things people are normally negatively influenced by, and extreme level of detachment from the world around you.
There's this very eerie lack of humanity that can develop to the point where people seem robotic, and I'm definitely around that end. It's like life is more of a machine to run and optimize to fulfill an ideology tethering you to this world, if you have one, rather than actually living it and doing so to attain happiness for the sake of happiness. Recall that I genuinely accepted the positive and critical effects of social relations/activity and instead tried to replace them with a drug/nootropic/supplement regimen combined with other things so that I would never have to interact again. Unfortunately I don't seem t have the genetic affinity for it and still suffer immense damage from this level of isolation and alienation, yet genuinely feel no natural desire for any form of social interaction or relationships and am borderline asexual. It's like other people don't really exist in my world.
