it's been almost 2 weeks since i last did meth and started tapering off pst with Crouton, 3 or 4 days since i totally cut off Crouton and i finally am past the physical withdrawals (just slight pain a few times a day now) and now the mental part is kicking in with excruciating depression and anger. now i've been using more etizolam to try to sleep because despite being on meth for like 7 months straight i haven't been sleeping more than 3-4 hours a night. i'm dependent on nicotine also which i want to fix but stacking withdrawal on top of withdrawal seems totally unbareable at the moment. i think i'm going to try to reduce caffeine intake to a minimum, taper nicotine with patches, and try to get by on as little benzos as i can handle for now. it sucks thinking about going into benzo withdrawal after having not even really completed opioid withdrawal, but if i don't quit or at least heavily restrict benzo use right now it's just going to become a more huge problem than it already is. right now i usually take like 3-4 mg a day (1 mg in the late morning and 2-3 at night) and if i don't take the morning dose i start to feel withdrawal around 1 pm. the withdrawal also seems to bring back paranoid tendencies that i started to develop on meth and makes me jerky and shit which isn't good right now since my boss knows i'm sober off meth and my job is kind of dependent on that fact remaining true.
on one hand, if you're depressed you get to at least feel really sad emotions which feel basically the same as happy except they're way more intense and more real and you don't really have to do shit except pop pills and listen to dreary music. on the other hand, if not depressed, you actually have to go out and do shit and you meet people and shit but you have to work for it.
not sure its worth it tbh. kinda seems more efficient to just run your neurotransmitters into the ground and whenever that train stops, thats where you catch the bus u feel me fam lmao aye
being in the military gave me a lot of practice of dealing with authority types and "giving them" (faking) respect. it's something about the temperament it instills in you or something, but ever since then i don't get fucked with by cops ever. only once and he just needed to give me a ticket to fill his quota probably or whatever but he was really polite about it. before the military i used to get a lot of attention from them. i also was a lot more reckless back then though so who knows
Originally posted by mmQ
What if you know the goal isn't a "potential growth experience" like for example I've had a goal of deep cleaning my place and rearranging some furniture and I've had that goal for a few months but every time I even consider it I'm like "well shit I wanna play some video games or I wanna drink" or something else and so basically I just say I'll do it tomorrow or another day. Procrastinating.
The reason I say it won't be a growth experience is because I've done it before and it was just a.. A cleaning. I didn't GROW as a person I don't think. I wonder if there's a trick to convincing myself that I could grow from chores and tasks like that.
It's all about momentum as well. I wasn't cleaning a lot earlier, like fuck it, why not let dishes pile for 3 days and have a bunch of random shit splayed across the floor? I've been making it a point to keep my shit clean though because I realized it makes everything else easier. If you start letting shit like that slip, more shit you've been procrastinating on will slowly build up, and it will feel more overwhelming and harder to get going. Then one day you're waking up after a 4 day bender and your entire living space, life and mind is trashed and it takes a ton of effort and agony.
If I just keep up with the little things, the big things seem more accessible to take care of. It forces you to stop living in the future and having anxiety about what will happen, which is not productive at all, and makes you actually take action. It's hard to see how the small actions add up when you view them one at a time but if you just chill with the worry/anxiety and do what you need to do you'll be much better off.
