They usually come in three flavors, no matter where you go or where you see them:
Exhibit A: Obnoxiously Loud & Boisterous Old White Woman
You can literally spot this variety from a mile away, what with their OFFENSIVELY LOUD and NASALLY voices that dominate the entire general area. They also have some sort of flamboyant and bizarre hair style and color, usually some shade of red or purple or an AMALGAMATION of both. They favor pungent, room permeating perfumes of the MUSK & MOTHBALL variety and cover up their VIRGINIA SLIM breath with a horrible candy like WERTHER'S ORIGINAL CARAMELS or generic Dollar Store peppermint. They're known for their flaring, irrational tempers especially when confronted with something they don't understand, and enjoy complaining about literally everything.
Exhibit B: Senile Old White Woman
Unlike Obnoxiously Loud & Boisterous Old White Woman, Senile Old White Woman is awkwardly quiet. She often avoids eye contact and speaks in mumbles or hushed tones. When speaking to this variety, she often replies with "Huh?" or "What?" to the point it becomes maddeningly frustrating. You will find this variety in sweat pants and sweaters, usually, even when it's 100F (37.7C) outside. This variety will also create delusions of what is really happening within her mind. For example, she might come to you to explain that she needs help with her computer because
"the alien cows are hacking her satellite television and using it to gain access to her computer to disable her AOL e-mail". This variety is extremely paranoid, suspicious, and can often not be reasoned with.
And finally...
Exhibit C: Raging Bitch Old White Woman
Avoid this one. She can be identified by a PERMANENT SCOWL that has been seared onto her face by decades of rage. She is the most hateful of the 3 primary varieties of old white women. She BEGINS conversations with DEMANDS in aggressive tones and manners and will not work with you on any level. It's "HER WAY or the HIGHWAY", so to speak. Similar to Obnoxiously Loud & Boisterous Old White Woman, she also loves to complain about literally EVERYTHING. She is incapable of achieving happiness or satisfaction. No amount of effort is good enough.
And there you have it. The 3 primary varieties of old white woman. There are also some lesser sub-varieties than deserve honorable mentions and they include:
Wealthy Upper Class & Entitled Old White Woman
Fat & Disgusting Low Class Garbage Old White Woman
Bull-Dyke Old White Woman
And others
Time to die, ladies. Your time here has been long enough and everyone knows it.
