2020-07-20 at 4:37 PM UTC
Sudo
Black Hole
[my hereto riemannian peach]
every pill u guys are naming Ive been prescribed before and found to be absolutely useless.
my life is fucked gonts, my swim coach fantasizes about shooting people everyday and wishes he knew where a pedophile lived
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2020-07-26 at 1:39 AM UTC
Do you wanna change your life? It's a simple question, just answer it. Do you want to? You want to right? Of course you do, of course you do! Everybody does. Nobody likes what's going on, okay, ever. That's my first news flash, never nobody likes anything ever when it's happening, ever. So then of course you wanna change your life. So how are you going to do it? How are you going to change your life? Seriously. Seriously ask yourself that. How!? How could it even be possible for me, me, to change my life. Okay?
I used to be disgusting, i used to be a disgusting fat, sock of a man. I was an alcoholic, eating balls of mozzarella on a mattress on the floor, watching videos of people dying. I was a mindless robot. You know, not even. Because a robot has a function. I was robot shit. If there was a robot designed to shit scrap for no reason, i would have been the pile of scrap that came out of that robot's ass. You wanna know what i did with that person? You wanna know what i did with the old version of me? I MURDERED him, i MURDERED that man, I FUCKED HIM UP, WITH AN AXE! I left him bleeding and dying in a fucking grave that i made HIM dig. Oh and i laughed, i laughed when he begged for his fucking life...
"Please, please don't do this! I-i i can change! I'll do everything differently I'll do anything!"
Change!? You can't change. You can't change because there is no YOU anymore! And i poured gasoline on him and i lit a match and i tossed it in and it set him ablaze! And thick black smoke covered the screams and i danced around the magnificent pyre and i raised both my arms to the heavens and i shouted: NOW I MAY FLY FREE! And i pointed one finger into the depths and screamed: MAKE. THIS. ONE. SUFFER
And all of a sudden a flash of flooding light. In this moment, my mind was a needle. In this moment all my senses came to me and i opened my eyes for the first time.
2020-09-12 at 5:27 PM UTC
Supposed i should bump this.
Ummm...im okay i guess. On a bunch of shitty meds but i guess they help. Coming up on 2 years off H which i kinda sorta dont count bc ive been drinking and huffing nitrous and ordering eyelash remover n shit lol. I guess i do feel a little better. Mentally at least. The physical part is still pretty rough. Just having the energy to want to go out and do things and be social but in too much pain to do the things id like. Been looking at apartments. I dont know how much longer i can be here. Just feels like sitting in lifes waiting room.
Overall, 6.5/10 . But im grateful its not worse.
Hows ur recovery or lack thereof?
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2020-09-13 at 4:27 AM UTC
sounds like mexicant talk to me
2020-09-13 at 6:06 AM UTC
Sudo
Black Hole
[my hereto riemannian peach]
This is the week coming up. Shit is getting real and I need to be present. I already feel the cobwebs being shaken out and getting ready to straighten up but it's gonna be tough. It's long overdue though
2020-09-13 at 6:16 AM UTC
Stop being nebulous nigger. whats the haps?
2020-09-13 at 6:17 AM UTC
Sudo
Black Hole
[my hereto riemannian peach]
It's just I need my COPIATES to have HOPIATE but I need to say NOPIATE to DOPIATE
2020-09-13 at 6:19 AM UTC
Is it for legit pain or you just being self deceptive? Or bored?
2020-09-13 at 6:53 AM UTC
ashould try to cut ur dose and switch supplement withgabapentin or something. If it doesnt work you can always go back. Its taken forever, but im at 4mg methadone. I honestly dont even think its helping pain at this point. Im pretty confident i could continue tapering. I feel like some of the pain wont go away until my body starts producing some of ots own stuff again.
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2020-09-26 at 10:41 PM UTC
Sudo
Black Hole
[my hereto riemannian peach]
Feeling depressed, fight with my gf all the time, too lethargic and entropic to apply myself at uni. Addiction has progressed to what would cost a normal person $100-200 a day, easily. Phone rings all day and I ignore it. I've been procrastinating like crazy. Don't even have much of a sex drive lately. I make plans and cancel them like everyday. The only things I really derive any enjoyment from are playing in parks and playgrounds with my girlfriends son (when she is not there) and my daughter (when her mother is not there) and moving around with a concealed weapon fantasizing about using it on someone.
Im basically feeling very fucking lost. Ive been posting here more lately because YOU GUYS GET ME but not really, its just another coping mechanism. I hate talking to most people and even texting seems too much. I feel like disappearing for a month would help things. Anxiety over the tumultuous relationship with my soon to he baby mam is certainly a factor. We really aren't seeing eye to eye on a lot of things. I have a hard time seeing it getting better. I called 50 therpists last week and only managed a tentative appointment for one because of covid so few are accepting new patiants. I really need to speak to someone though
2020-09-26 at 11:04 PM UTC
Rollin around with concealed weapons doesnt sound like some legit business venture shit, man.
As gay as it sounds, this is where some step work might come in handy. Like some real soul searching shit. Like why are you miserable if things are supposedly going well for you? Why are you engaging in destructive behaviors even when you know better? Are you addicted to a particular lifestyle more than anything? What do you REALLY have to show for the pain youve put yourself and loved ones through? What parameters would need to be met to envision yourself in a life thats enjoyable and fulfilling for you?
Stuff like that.
I dont feel a whole lot of progress as of late. Im honestly surprised i even drove to SD to chill. But I guess what i came to realize is theres no shortcuts to anything . The onky way to progress is to do the work. Even if that work is hard and painfully slow and youre stagnant half the time. Dealing and scheming are shortcuts. It hurts people, It takes something out of you to engage in it. You probably know it too. As long as you try to work around that fact, youll be where you are.
Theres a billion support meetings- 12 step based, secular or otherwise- online right now. If you dont like it you can ghost them or whatever. Might even find a loc’d out fauxslim to mentor you or someshit,
2020-09-27 at 2:57 AM UTC
Yeah that cognitive dissonance is an energy drain man. You gotta decide whats more important for you.
I havent been in a few months, but meetings definitely let me get to another layer of self awareness that i think you could benefit from. Youre already trying to talk yourself out of it, but i guarantee theyre not going to be any more addictive than whatever ur putting in ur nose right now. Like when i had my last caraccident, i had all sorts of excuses about why it happened, knee getting stuck under the wheel, etc. And they were so believable and i repeated them long enough that even i started to believe them. But i was going 70 in a 40, fucked on on fentanyl with a tiny car full of drugs. Thats the long and short of it. It was my choices n irresponsibility that caused what happened. But i repeated that lie so often that i couldnt even really comprehend that.
The simple fact is that if you cant take a leap of faith and commit to sit in a VIRTUAL meeting for 45 min, youve got a slim chance of getting ur shit together. A good part of recovery is balance and doing things you dont like or understand. Doing the things that you know need to be done, even when your brain is so diseased you cant envision the finish line, or even whats just ahead.
2020-09-27 at 3:59 AM UTC
I mean i feel like that a lot but i must not reeealllly feel that way or i wouldve just killed myself. Theres always the little flicker of belief that i can pull out of this tailspin but a lot of the time i jjst close my eyes n let shit happen. But even that is a choice.
2020-09-27 at 9:48 PM UTC
IDK, some people don't kill themselves until they're 40 or 50. Maybe it just takes a few decades to build up the courage to follow through
I'm pretty sure 2B meets you at Heaven's gate when you die
