2018-03-16 at 11:05 AM UTC
All the time, have had them since I was 11, I'm 23 now. I've had two breaks, each lasting about six months. One was when I was homeless and so fucked on meth that I couldn't give a shit and the other was when I started my current job.
It would be trivial to ask one of the druggies in the family to get me a half gram of dope and shoot it, but I don't want them to live with the guilt. Maybe a couple grams of tianеptine or one of the other RC opioids would do it, but I'm unwilling to try. I have a loaded firearm within twenty feet of me at all times, yet I'm still here. I tell myself that my family couldn't handle it, which is probably true as we've already had one suicide in the family, but I'm mostly just too much of a pussy I guess.
I don't understand why, things are going pretty well for me. I had a shit childhood but not THAT shitty. I get the feeling that a lot of shit happened that I can't remember though. Been through the mental health system, psych warded twice. Didn't help for more than a week and I have come to the conclusion that they can't help me, and neither can anyone else.
I don't think that I truly want to die, it's just that I clearly don't belong here and I have no reason to be here,along with all the injustice of the world and being totally powerless to do anything about it. And there's just something there in my mind that's constantly reminding me of all the shit I've done/had done to me, and it sucks every ounce of energy, hope, and life out of me every moment of every day. Only two things temporarily put a stop to it: racing people on the motorcycle and methamphetamine. Of course, one only lasts for a few minutes and the other I'm staying away from for obvious reasons.
For now I've just resorted to shit that will likely get me killed eventually (driving crazy/drunk on the motorcycle, occasional "pseudocidal" high dose drug use, etc) but not actively planning anything. I keep myself going by telling myself "I'll be happier when I get/do X" or "the world will be ending soon" but those things come and go with no long term changes.
