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The Recovery Thread (The Other TRT)
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2019-10-14 at 2:15 PM UTCI'm cutting down my weed consumption and only smoked about half a gram and some distillate from a vape yesterday and no opiates. I feel better when I'm at peace but trip balls when I'm stressed out and manic. I paced for a bit last night trying to tell myself not to do drugs or go make impulsive equally detrimental choices.
Why are the last posts in this thread pure degeneracy? -
2019-10-14 at 9:23 PM UTCYeah I was trying to make this a serious thread. I was hoping at least a person or two would do the workbook stuff. I was surprised how much i got out of that.
I guess Ill try to get it back on track.
Havent used heroin or anything since November 30th last year. Down to 42mg methadone. Even forgot to take it for the last 2 days. lol.
Blood pressure is down to just "not great" numbers. Im down to 341 lbs from 385 in march- according to my bluetooth digital scale. The Zoloft seems to be helping a bit, but im at the lowest dose. Still dont feel fantastic, but i feel a lot less awful if that makes sense. Havent sold antiques in 2 or 3 months, and let all my connects dry up since i didnt have the willpower to delete them outright.
Ive been talking to a bunch of people every day and walking with my neighbor, dragging him to meetings. Just getting out and doing stuff. Getting a lot more hopeful. Way more grateful, present. I think I mentioned before the homeless guy I chased down. I also went out in the backyard the other day to rub the cats belly while she flops from side to side on the driveway (the only things she gets excited about are food and Flops), and then I saw this little strawberry plant id potted a couple years back. There was just this one tiny wild strawberry, shiny like a juul (fuckin lanny)...perfectly formed. Smelled great. And I could feel the sunshine, and take a big breath of air. Its so fucking easy to get mired in feeling like dogshit. But each day can have a little zen moment like that, if you retrain your mind.
We're all actually so fucking lucky. Most here are of at least average intelligence -= despite evidence to the contrary. You can breathe and walk and eat. You're likely not a grotesque monster. You have clean drinking water and a place to stay.
It feels like the end of an acid trip kind of. I realize how everything ive done for so long, isnt in line with my values at all. I thought to make connections with people, to be more of a man, I needed to be scary and violent and do risky fucked up shit. I thought i couldnt handle life so I crammed food in my face and took all the drugs i could afford.
But im actually a really good dude. Any time in my life when its come down to it, in extreme moments, Ive done the right things. Its the more subtle grey areas of morality that i really lost myself. But ive kind of come to believe that i can have a different life. I cant quite see it yet, but i feel it. I can be in shape, and feel good about myself. I dont need drugs to get through life. God knows they didnt do anything to make me feel better at the end. I can use all this bullshit to be a better person. Kind of like a near death experience...it just changes your perspective on everything. When you begin to see all the treads connect, and understand that all the different manifestations of dysfunction all stem from a lack of balance, fear, unhappiness, inability to confront life head on.....it reframes the way you do everything. Everything is a choice.
Who "you" are is just a collection of stories you tell about yourself, loosely related to experiences youve had. Being beaten by your father doesnt make you a broken alcoholic. Losing a significant other to cancer doesnt mean youre afraid of intimacy. Going to prison doesnt mean youll always be an outsider. Having a leg amputated doesnt mean you need to lower the bar for yourself. Getting dumped doesnt mean youre unlovable. Its all just fucking stories. Of course actualizing so your life falls in line with your values is a bit more work, but you can stop repeating those mantras to yourself at any time. Its pretty fuckin cool.
Anyway...I feel better. Coming up on a year off dope. Then ill be off methadone by probably end of February. Hopefully ill be below 300 by that time too, if not sooner.
Thing is, its so easy to get hung up and obsessed over timetables and stuff. But things mean so much more when you have to work and struggle for them. Nobody gives a fuck when someone just gets what they want for no reason. Theres a reason that NCOs whove had to grind for their promotions...are more respected than other officers. Theres a reason that people applaud and cry when an 80 year old finally gets their diploma. People love underdogs. People love to be reminded of how to be strong and not give up.
Being unhappy and not working to change is just slow death. Simple. If you died in 50 years exactly the same as you are now....would you be happy with that? I probably wouldnt. If you have the ability and even an inkling that you want a better life for yourself, but you arent taking any steps to actualize it, its cowardice pure and simple.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2019-10-14 at 10:17 PM UTCobligatory tl;dr
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2019-10-14 at 11:56 PM UTCMalice has merged with my body.
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2019-10-15 at 12:05 AM UTCfeels
fuck youThe following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2019-10-15 at 2:46 AM UTCCASPER gont, I needed that, thank you
I've been doing meth everyday now for I don't even know, what a week straight by now? Maybe more? And before that it's been off and on basically since I started college, so like 2 months or more even though it's sent me to the ER, made me feel like I can't visualize things in my head much, and feeling like it is definitely pushing me over that extremely thin and incredibly close line I walk with schizophrenia that I haven't been giving the respect it deserves.
I sit here on the end of a week long bender, not getting any of my school work done ever since I started this crap with the intention of it HELPING me study harder and longer, and I hear cops with drug dogs outside my windows, people talking about me on the street all week (some of them probably actually were because I'm high on meth :crazyfaceemoji:), and right now this piercingly high pitched ringing coming through my earbuds as intermittent radio chatter from the authorities. I pray to God the voices go away when I'm sober, because they were sticking around to some effect the last time I quit using it until they started to reside with lots of effort and time until I picked up the glass dick again for no good fucking reason.
Uncomfortably waiting to see how many more crazy people pills I need to take so I can go to bed and try again tomorrow. I've only gone through give or take half a gram this week and I already feel shot, and somehow lost muscle and seemed to have gained fat, which is impossible but it happened.
I've come to accept finally that I have straight up brain damage, which is sexy, and pain that gets better and worse but never goes away, which is hawt, and I have to learn how to deal with those things because I have no other choice besides killing myself, and those are the only two options I have forever, so I better master the art of being with my pain in the moment and doing the best I can in spite of it.
I'm feeling a little better now; my head's killing me like none other, but at least the new neighbors seem to be winding the party down somewhat. Might even get a little reading done after a couple more serries. I'm grateful to live in a country where I get to work in the field of thought that interests me, where I'm not forced to be an accountant or something equally boring that I don't care about and neither does anyone else. I wish I didn't ruin my life, but I did, and in a way I saved it because if I didn't go down the path I did, I never would have had that breakthrough, nor self actualization, nor recovery and met the people I met and made the decision to go get what I want out of life, which is the ultimate work in progress.
My chest hurts like fucking hell now, that always happens on meth. My counselor (who's rich and famous and wears gucci) said they told her if she didn't quit doing meth and barfing she was a gonna get a hole in her esophagus and die. I haven't gone to hardly any meetings since I got out of IOP, and I obviously need to go again based on how bad I relapsed. Things I can start doing tomorrow are mindfulness, meditations, and meth.
Ok, not that last thing -
2019-10-15 at 4:27 AM UTCMeth bad.
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2019-10-15 at 9:48 AM UTCI need to start injecting crystal meth before i harass people to make sure i get arrested quicker
Completely freaking out is a personality trait -
2019-10-20 at 6:14 AM UTCYep 1am and I'm gonna chug whiskey like I'm in high school again
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2019-10-20 at 6:17 AM UTCWHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO REPRESS
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2019-10-20 at 6:18 AM UTC
Originally posted by CASPER WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO REPRESS
I'm angry over an old man who yelled at me and my mom in the grocery store parking lot. It was unexpected and we drove away like 1 second later. I keep fantasizing about choking him or stabbing him and am upset i didnt at least yell obscenities out of the window. -
2019-10-20 at 6:19 AM UTCAlso life is scary
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2019-10-20 at 6:32 AM UTCThats not a really good reason to get drunk. *shrug*
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2019-10-20 at 6:33 AM UTC
Originally posted by CASPER Thats not a really good reason to get drunk. *shrug*
You only got part one of 7.
Part 2 was that I was already drunk and couldn't sleep because of this weird violent fantasy
So obviously the solution is to drink more
If you want parts 8 and 9 you need to buy me polish lychee juice and some fried chicken first -
2019-10-20 at 6:34 AM UTCA friend got engaged and my addict brain was like "Man.....we're never going to fuck again."
And now that her fiancee called off the wedding and shes all sad, Im like "You should probably send her pictures of your dick"
Thanks brain. Ill probably just let other people think for me for a while.
Someone from my meeting told me he saw a gorgeous homeless girl outside a gas station, and he thought "I could probably get her to give me a handjob for $20"
And i was like "lol u faggot. Who pays for a handjob?"The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2019-10-20 at 6:37 AM UTCWhat kinda meeting? Tell me more its all that keeps me from finishing this bottle
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2019-10-20 at 6:40 AM UTC3 minutes too long goodbye bottle
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2019-10-20 at 6:41 AM UTCThe white supremacist meeting where I meet with my sponsor daddy Luc Picard.
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2019-10-20 at 6:44 AM UTC
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2019-10-20 at 6:45 AM UTCsorry had to
