User Controls
The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
-
2016-01-31 at 2:49 AM UTC
Anyone ever hear of ALKS-5461? In phase iii trials for treatment resistant depression , is a combo of bupe and some morphinan derivative THIS DRUG NEEDS TO BE APPROVED
I've mentioned it many times and agree, the results are spectacular, particularly for certain types of depression and symptoms that can be difficult to treat. IIRC it's being fast tracked and may be available later this year, possibly next. -
2016-01-31 at 7:19 AM UTCI'm lactose intolerant and proud of it. Milk has become a fart serum which is surprisingly useful.
-
2016-01-31 at 10:11 AM UTC
On the other hand I was kind of an unhappy kid. Even for a good chunk of college I was, uhh, not depressed per se but I just didn't feel any "magic", one day was much like the next and I didn't particularly care about any of them, almost all the elements of my existence felt like a slog.
Hmm, related to a recurrent theme. Is it just due to severe depression and other factors, or have I simply gone too far and become the kind of person for whom there isn't really anything out there. The university system has many major justified criticisms. Classes I have no interest in and would prefer not to take, work I don't have any actual interest, find joy in doing, signaling (conformity, traits of an employee), people I'm not interested in. For the young and naive that can become enamored by the "college experience" it's fortunate that they can experience such a thing. Then again, I'd really just be using it as a stepping stone for recovery, intellectual stimulation, an outlet for creative energy, possibly some socialization, but would it really be sufficient, or would I just come away disillusioned?
Imagine Sisyphus is happy. We have the capacity for happiness, even if it's absurd and ultimately amounts to nothing, there can be a freedom in embracing it. Play the game, at least give it a try and try to enjoy it before checking out. But will this make me happy? Is it the best route?
For example, I think I looked through every club description at UC Berkeley, a very long list, and found not a single one that interested me. Is it just the state I'm in, the mentality, or something innate (autism spectrum and it's impact on cognitive style, empathy, socialization, conscious experience) that I'm unable to change? There's so much available, though, there may be something that interests me, in a non-depressed and anhedonic state. > Human relationships being a likely critical factor that have been missing from my life, not having understood the value of them due to a severe case of Asperger's, but I may be too alienated at this point to be able to "lose myself", forget for a moment, and really be able to enjoy them as others do. The cognitive style and worldview are just so innate and ingrained.
Well, psych appointment on Monday, aiming for Nardil. I didn't always feel this way about life, we'll find out if I've gone too far into the abyss.
Also, found my younger brother on Facebook. Passing on the message feels awkward, but it feels like something that needs to be done. Not sure if I want to be honest about my state or lie, the lie being potentially either negative or positive. -
2016-01-31 at 10:12 AM UTCYou know that feeling when someone youlove treats youlike shit, shits all over you and verbally abuses you all because mentally cant hold the discussion they want right then because the night before you got abused and mistreated and shit all over again? Hoe can you hold a fucking serious conversation discussing important details about your life and future solely through texting? Am I stupid for feeling that way? §m£ÂgØL is seriously schizophrenic. If he were honest with a phychologist, Im 100% sure he would be diagnosed. Im constantly accused of trying to get child support despite another man listed as the father on the birth certificate and fuck... why havent I by now if I could? Im told I dont love nor care about him despite getting two jobs to try and make a life with us work together and sent him a nearly whole script of klonopin he asked for and promised not to abuse- he abused them the first day in his possession. I almost called up and had the package stopped because he went off in left field and was a space cadet on kpins he paid 5$ a piece from his 'friend' but he begged me not to do that with promises he wouldnt abuse them nomatter what- notto mention, I sent them with a goodie bag of other drugs he might find useful, shit to help him, mostly non-recreational, but still, I was worried about him. I sent a whole scriptof propranolol 80mg because hes got heart problems and chest pain that gets really bad sometimes. I sent some flexeril (yes I know, sucky ass muscle relaxer) because he hurt his back a while ago and thought if it happened again hed have something for it, along with naproxen for the same reason. I sent antinausea (zofan) medicine because hes been sick alot recently and throwing up a bunch. I sent psudophedrine because he has bad sinus issues alot, and a bottle of 400 benadryl forthe same reason. This was all packed with his christmas gifts I bought him. He wouldnt let me send them sooner because over amonth ago Imailed 10 kpins andnthey didnt make it- just sealed in an evelope. Obviously some postal worker got them but he kept accusing me of trying to get him arrested because Imailed them to him. Tomight I was called a piece of shit, a user, a manipulator, emotionally immature, berrated on my 'zoo animals', and otherwise used as an emotionalpunching bag despite me saying 'I cannot take beingnhurt again tonight, I cant have this discussion tonight, I am stillnhirting from what you did to me last night we need to talk during the day, when you arent as liableto have your mentalshit be as bad and we need to talk'. I was told hes scared totalk to me and the only reason he briefly spoketo me the day before on the phone was because he took a bunch of benzos. Ive been begging for over amonth now to talk about our issues but even earlier today he refused. Its always an excuse either hisfamily is home (yep, hes gotta hide everything from them because god forbid they see him on the phone with someone) or he emotionally cant handle talking- tonight I couldnt, but there is a double standard, I have to be able totalk anytimethe mood strikes him to have a serious conversation. Ive been told so many times Ive done nothing- I got a job because I needed to. No, not really. I spent almost as much getting rides in december as I made. I sold the horse trailer is the only reason I survived. I kept going towork for the long term asset ofhaving a job once I got my truck fixed. Soon after that seasonaljob ended I had another within the week and just this week the other place called me back and Ill be working there too. I dont get child support from my exhusband. I dont get cash assistance. Im trying to better my life as a singleparent with zero emotional support, zero family and §m£ÂgØLbeing the only closefriend I have. Hes complained aboutmy house which, yeah, its a run down trailer- these jobs Im working were gonna get us toanbetter place to live. Hes complained aboutmy animals, but hes known I made a vow to them that I willnot break. Idont get rid ofmy animals, they are the only family Ive got and have been there for me when everyone else in life has failed me. I need helpfixing tje fence forthem, they eat about 20$ a week in dog food. He asked me back when my husband left if Id come to live with him and his parents- the same parents who had him sent to rehab for finding weed, the same ones who believed he raped a familymember, the same parents he cant even talk to because they are such judgemental pricks, but god forbid you say that (I dont know these people, Im going off what hes said and yes hes called them judgemental pricks before), but he will gladly callmy dogs, my family mutts, pieces of shit, and me scum, and a bad mother almost on a weekly basis. Hes threatened to call DCF several times, once because I was going to go whore myself out even though the night before was simply 'I dontlook down on the profession but you and I cant be together if you do that'. This is why I got a real job, a job that kills me physcially rather than sucking a few dicks and taking money for sex. Then its 'you had to get a job', no, Ihad to get a real job to be with you and not have DCF called on me, I could be making good money with very little effort and spending most the time with my son. Now hes with god knows what babysitters and Im working my assoff tonfix our lives and make it something we both want. Constantly Im torn down and and he already has made his mind up that we cant work or we cant compromise though he refuses to have a verbal discussion. The other night he shat on me because Icompromised tonlet him put his last name on myson just tonhave him go off on why that would 'kill his culture' and all this shit. My sons last name is neither mine nor my Exhusbands it was a pet namemy dad called me all through life and ment a lotto me. This man is terrified Im going after him for child supoort yet wants the last name of my son changed to his and tells me 'its a deal breaker' if he has to shares his last name with the one I gave him. Hes never even acted as a father to my child or met him, but I 'insulted' him. Im posting all this because I hurt and I hurt really bad. Im not going to be posting again. Im going to be dead by the time anyone reads this. I hope that sad little man gets help. He needs it bad and all I ever tried to do was help him, love him, be there for him and show him affection. i may have made bad choices in the past, and done some terriblethings but I was turning my life around and getting ny shit straight. I was trying to be a better person. I was trying to make alife that was worthwhile. ive been treated like such shit though and worst of all, I took it. I know youll read this eventually, §m£ÂgØL. Im sorry I couldnt help you. Im sorry shit was this fucked up, but I still love you and care about you. Im sorry my try wasnt good enough. Flush those fucking kpins because they will destroy you.
-
2016-01-31 at 12:21 PM UTC
does anyone care about the superbowl in england
It's getting more popular. 5 years ago no, but these days you'd be surprised. Since they started having a couple games at Wembley it's been getting bigger. My brother follows it quite a lot, but he's into maths and all the stats and tactics and that. God he was clever but fucked his life up too, sometimes I wonder what was up with him to make him turn out like he did. -
2016-01-31 at 5:29 PM UTCMalice it is good to have family. so what's all this I hear about you looking for yours.
-
2016-02-01 at 1:07 AM UTCThis place is fucking dead
-
2016-02-01 at 1:27 AM UTCHydro, §m£ÂgØL sounds like a really negative influence in your life. I don't know what to say. As I've said before, he really should be receiving psychiatric help and the earlier they intervene the better outcomes are. I'm getting treatment for depression, anxiety, and isolation; denying you have a problem isn't going to help things. I don't know what else to say.
Malice it is good to have family. so what's all this I hear about you looking for yours.
Just want to apologize, tell them I'm fine, explain what happened. -
2016-02-01 at 7:55 AM UTCI'll try to OD now. Wish me luck. Life is shit and not worth the daily torture. I have nothing and I still struggle. Buddha was wrong. Good luck everybody.
-
2016-02-01 at 8:11 AM UTCOr maybe not. TRT stopped showing up in Active Topics so I'll wait till Lanny has fixed that.
-
2016-02-01 at 4:13 PM UTCYou know, I don't remember the point I went from hating alcohol and hating being drunk, to enjoying it and drinking 2 bottles of wine or so a day. Weird life.
-
2016-02-02 at 4:12 AM UTCI cannot fucking believe it took me over a decade to realize I was lonely and starving for company, meaningful discussions/relationships, with intellectual equals, and needed something to provide a sense of fulfillment. Just walking down downtown Oakland it feels so fucking absurd that I holed myself up for so long and didn't realize what I was missing out on. I just had this incredibly, unbelievably, autistic cognitive style, the wrong environment, and various other factors, predispositions, that led to this. In a way isolation made me who I am and had some benefits, though. In the past I've said that Malice doesn't exist IRL, before that thought that if I could just bridge the gap between who I was online and IRL. I know exactly what went wrong and why, how it effected me, the predispositions that led to it, the interplay between environment and biology. I also know exactly what I need to do. Fuck college, I don't regret not going, I hate school, it has massive conflicts with my personality traits and there are legitimate criticisms against it, I would have had no interest in the vast majority of people or classes, and I'm not interested in a degree or a job I can receive with one. What I do regret is the lack of personal relationships. At least if I succeed it will be almost like experiencing the world, so many things for the first time, except as an adult. I can imagine it just being mindblowing, almost like taking a child out to see the wonders of the world.
Seems I'm going to get Nardil (Yes!), the wonder drug/miracle worker I need. I really like my psychiatrist. Not going to link to her website profile, but she has an interesting background. It feels so good to just be in that setting after such a long period of being alone, I was just starving for company and didn't realize it. There's a nice womanly aspect as well, in a strictly platonic manner. Human warmth. -
2016-02-02 at 5:51 AM UTC
You know, I don't remember the point I went from hating alcohol and hating being drunk, to enjoying it and drinking 2 bottles of wine or so a day. Weird life.
Went to Grocery Outlet and picked up some vodka this time. After taste of dirt, but that aside, I can see why people like alcohol. It's nice, some relaxation/anxiolysis, a warmth that can flow through you (physiological change related to this IIRC), some pro-social aspects, a sort of happy-laid back feeling and smile.
We should get drunk together one day, Lanny. You too, RisiR, you said you're coming to the states one day. Drunken video games? Something like the Wii, Mario Party or Mario Kart. -
2016-02-02 at 6:28 AM UTCAlso, Lanny, requesting some advice. I hope you note that you should be flattered I value and specifically seek out yours.
If I wanted to become an IRL Macguyver, what do I study? In a healthy state I'm naturally an infovore and capable of pouring constant hours, day after day, thousands upon thousands of pages, countless questions and ideas, into understanding and developing something I'm interested in.
I had a memory brought back last night, possibly by NSI-189, along with another I can't recall at the moment. I remember going to Fry's Electronics with my father as a child and wanting a robotics kit they had, but I never felt comfortable asking my parents for much. I hardly asked them for anything. Related to that, christ, how didn't I notice how empty my life had begun to feel? I was just so detached, even from myself, my own feelings and life, memories; I remember specifically determining one day in my teens that memories were a waste of "storage space" and shouldn't be valued, possibly something about a negative viewpoint of fixating on the past, shadows of experience instead of moving forward.
Anyway, say I wanted to create a (darknet) drug empire with someone and desired various contraptions for home defense, smuggling, manufacturing, maybe even a few robots/modifications or conglomerations, gadgets, things of that nature. Getting a degree in mechanical engineering would be incredibly inefficient, too much fluff, and it's common for people in many fields to say that they learned more in x time on the job than they did the entire time in school. Not necessarily creating everything from scratch, that isn't necessarily realistic (with 3D printers, maybe) or desirable (specialization, opportunity cost/comparative advantage, buying pre-made parts), just something pragmatic, that gets shit done, you know?
-
2016-02-02 at 6:45 AM UTC
Ah, definitive drinking playlists. -
2016-02-02 at 8:04 AM UTCRandom memory: One time, years ago, I was walking home from the gym late at night (used to go after midnight regularly and would often be the only one in the weight dungeon) in Berkeley and these two raccoons were on the sidewalk and froze, staring at me. I kept walking toward them, expecting them to move, but they never did, and eventually I just crossed the street to avoid the chance of being mauled.
Those raccoons fucking made me their bitches! >:[ -
2016-02-02 at 8:40 AM UTCI work a block down from where they blocked off Market street for "superbowl city". I enjoy watching drivers get confused by and trying to blow through the road block (it's not actually blocked, public transit still gets in, but a traffic guy jumps out in front of personal vehicles). I swear, I've never seen more inept drivers than in this part of town even without something to throw them off, dumbshits are in gridlock for like half the day.
Hmm, related to a recurrent theme. Is it just due to severe depression and other factors, or have I simply gone too far and become the kind of person for whom there isn't really anything out there. The university system has many major justified criticisms. Classes I have no interest in and would prefer not to take, work I don't have any actual interest, find joy in doing, signaling (conformity, traits of an employee), people I'm not interested in. For the young and naive that can become enamored by the "college experience" it's fortunate that they can experience such a thing. Then again, I'd really just be using it as a stepping stone for recovery, intellectual stimulation, an outlet for creative energy, possibly some socialization, but would it really be sufficient, or would I just come away disillusioned?
There's definitely a level of tedium, but isn't there everywhere? I think to be disillusioned you have to actually have a positive image of something first. I thought "the college experience" was pretty much bullshit on the classes were an actual worthwhile academic (in the literal sense of the word) pursuit. There's this weird thing, especially at "better" universities where the first year or two is a total shit slog of GE courses, things don't get really interesting until years 3 and 4. I don't know if it's a "weed out people with ADD" thing or just part of the "well rounded person" myth but it's a shame, I bet there's a significant population with a lot of domain potential scared away from higher education by GE.Imagine Sisyphus is happy. We have the capacity for happiness, even if it's absurd and ultimately amounts to nothing, there can be a freedom in embracing it. Play the game, at least give it a try and try to enjoy it before checking out. But will this make me happy? Is it the best route?
Ahh, did you read the essay? The point of the allegory is that questions like "is this it the best route" are meaningless, it requires an objectivity that is simply doesn't exist. There is nothing out there in the world that necessitates your internal mental states. I mean clearly it's not entirely truthful, your brain is part of the world, your mind an emergent property of physical systems as far as we can tell, but it's a useful lie at least. People kinda make fun of Sartre, he said something along the lines of "part of radical freedom is, minimally, you can choose killing yourself as a reaction to anything" and people are like "oh shit, I stubbed my toe, instead of yelling in pain ima shoot myself" but he was, on most modern readings, talking about something closer to the idea of stoic resignment. Like we can, to a large degree, choose our mental states, at least after some practice. He had some interesting metaphysical arguments to back that up that go above and beyond the usual platitudes we see from the stoics (and I like the stoics, but the ancients just didn't have the rigor, formality, to really engage with the ideas they accepted).
Sisyphus is the an icon of the worst possible state of being, if we can imagine him happy then it seems like we couldn't find a compelling reason not to be happy ourselves. In the absence of external meaning "best" stops really working in a semantic sense, it's subordinative to one's subjectivity. We get to choose what's the best route. If you can be happy rolling a stone up a hill forever then you can be happy at a day job or in college or whatever.
I actually think about this sometimes, how some things I love are incredibly boring to others. Sometimes I look at mathematicians and wonder what must have happened to them to make them like this, to enjoy what they do. Like shit, maybe I got tricked into rolling the stone up the hill and by force of will and social pressure came to love it. It's kind of a silly fear of course, if we buy into the premise it's not "tricked" since there's nothing that's not analogous to rock rolling and if you're twisted enough to like it then you've really hit the jackpot. But still, an amusing idea. -
2016-02-02 at 8:52 AM UTC
Or maybe not. TRT stopped showing up in Active Topics so I'll wait till Lanny has fixed that.
Jesus fuck, nothing ever works. What braindead admin runs this shithole?
try it now. -
2016-02-02 at 9:03 AM UTC
Also, Lanny, requesting some advice. I hope you note that you should be flattered I value and specifically seek out yours.
If I wanted to become an IRL Macguyver, what do I study? In a healthy state I'm naturally an infovore and capable of pouring constant hours, day after day, thousands upon thousands of pages, countless questions and ideas, into understanding and developing something I'm interested in.
Honestly probably a business degree, which I believe still has the best return on investment just in terms of money earned over a lifetime. Money is likely to be a bigger impediment than any lack of skills. Getting good gadgets fabricated really wouldn't be that expensive if you're thinking of a batman kind of setup. The sciences might also be a good choice if you don't want to deal with people in business, the inauthenticity of "business men", the obvious plays picked up from some pop psych book (ala the classic use-your-first-name-way-too-much strategy). Failing that I imagine some kind of military/paramilitary training would be the way to go if you want the whole survival skills thing.
Ah, definitive drinking playlists.
I always end up listening to shitty emo too loud when drinking, but that's mostly because I listen to shitty emo at reasonable volume when sober. Clutch is pretty fun drinking music though:
-
2016-02-02 at 9:30 AM UTC
Sisyphus is the an icon of the worst possible state of being, if we can imagine him happy then it seems like we couldn't find a compelling reason not to be happy ourselves. In the absence of external meaning "best" stops really working in a semantic sense, it's subordinative to one's subjectivity. We get to choose what's the best route. If you can be happy rolling a stone up a hill forever then you can be happy at a day job or in college or whatever.
I actually think about this sometimes, how some things I love are incredibly boring to others. Sometimes I look at mathematicians and wonder what must have happened to them to make them like this, to enjoy what they do. Like shit, maybe I got tricked into rolling the stone up the hill and by force of will and social pressure came to love it. It's kind of a silly fear of course, if we buy into the premise it's not "tricked" since there's nothing that's not analogous to rock rolling and if you're twisted enough to like it then you've really hit the jackpot. But still, an amusing idea.
The more I've read and observed, come to realize, about human beings, life, myself, the more I've realized how illusory the notion of control is. Our mental states, how genes, neurotransmitters, biology, influence our actions, even our thoughts. I was never in control.
Drugs loosen the chains of biology and allow us to cast off the tyranny of the double helix. Remember that?
I don't think everyone is capable of taking control over their mental state, maintaining a state of happiness, free of suffering, in any state. Just look at my research on loneliness and social isolation: https://www.reddit.com/r/Nootropics/comments/3u999j/toward_a_neurology_of_loneliness_the_neurological/
Although I've thought about why some have supposedly been able to attain a state of nirvana/bliss/ecstasy in isolation and have a plausible reason as to why, and why autism may be one of the most unfortunate disorders/differences when it comes to capacity for happiness.
As to mathematicians, selection bias and systemization. I quoted something a few pages back about autism spectrum disorders and the prevalence related to certain fields, mathematicians scoring the highest on average autism quotient.
Related: http://volokh.com/2014/01/17/jonathan-haidt-psychology-politics/So what’s Haidt’s argument? His basic idea is twofold. First, that people do not rationally choose their ideologies. You do not come into the political arena as a blank slate and then just examine all the moral and consequential arguments for different policies and pick the one that is most “correct.†Instead, you come into the political arena with subconscious, largely unexamined psychological beliefs…
The second part of Haidt’s argument is that once you have subconsciously chosen your ideology (you don’t rationally choose what the important factors are) you also do not rationally and objectively weigh the evidence as to whether your ideological views are “correct.†Instead, people tend to subconsciously sift the information that they take in: you tend to overvalue evidence that supports your predispositions and dismiss evidence that is inconsistent with it. As a result, “evidence†becomes self-justifying.
Think of a stereotypical feeling/emotion driven type female psychology major. Something similar, you probably met or observed some stupid fucking people in college. Could you, by social pressures, put one with a high need for human interaction, with a cognitive profile completely mismatched for mathematics, and through social pressure reasonably expect them to one day enjoy it? I wouldn't count on it. Even if you did, there's still the question of whether they would be anywhere near as happy as they could be partaking in other activities. I was a a hyper-systemizing infovore, and I was so out of touch with my emotions I didn't even realize I was depressed until close to the breaking point, it took me a decade to realize I had been in a cycle of isolation and depression, damage from both, both skewing my worldview. I would have been much happier enjoying life like normal, well adjusted people, do. Do mathematicians experience the same emotional highs, the same satisfaction, happiness/joy, utility, as others. vivacious lovers of life dancing atop the social hierarchy? There's the question of how you would measure it, and it may be possible to come to a measurement that's close enough by monitoring brain activity, and my bet would be: Not even close.
