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The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
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2015-12-08 at 5:36 AM UTCThe suicidal's creed:
I did not ask for this
I do not like the way the world is
I do not like the way I am
I do not like life
I cannot see anything in the world for me
And so
I am very tired and would like to stop now -
2015-12-08 at 5:40 AM UTC@Lanny
Not sure if I've mentioned this before, there are so many things I'm aware of even I can't keep track of everything at this point (I also suspect that treating autism spectrum disorder symptoms may also diminish some of the benefits), but have you read about theacrine? It seems to be an interesting alternative to caffeine, and I remember you stating that it works very well for you as a functional stimulant, if only it weren't for the tolerance, and this seems to function very similarly, except without the tolerance buildup. At the very least you may be able to cycle it with caffeine and could manage to have the benefits every day without any significant tolerance. Only downside is that caffeine is cheap as hell, so on a relative basis this is much more expensive, although the daily cost shouldn't be an issue for anyone well off. -
2015-12-08 at 1:54 PM UTCI think I have ass cancer, last 3 or 4 times I've taken a shit there's been a bit of blood on the first wipe or 2. Guess it's probably due to constipation from codeine/dhc/morphine, but it's never happened before in the years I've been doing it. Ah well.
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2015-12-08 at 5:58 PM UTC
unorganized basketball > piano lessons -
2015-12-08 at 8:58 PM UTCHe has been convicted as a childmolester. He raped a 6yo at 15. He was charged at 18 and granted juvinile sanctions. He said it was supposed to be sealed, but it came up for a job background check, but not for others (must be how far they go back). I called the clerk of court and they were able to bring it up (save for the victims name, which is always withheldin such cases) and toldme if it was sealed or expunged they wouldnt be able to do that. Inany case, its not alie and even if it was sealed Im sure a judge couldlook at it under those circumstances. As for the rape.. well, I cant prove that. I was stupid and believed his bullshit and let him get away with it timeand time again. Looking at my life through the perspective ofnbeing away fromhim I was a classic caseofdomestic abuse.
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2015-12-08 at 9 PM UTCThe only proof I have for the abuse is a broken tooth and ER visits of facial swelling.
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2015-12-08 at 9:02 PM UTCAs for my baby and his development. Im always talking to him, always playing with flash cards, always playing with the phone with him. Ive done agood bit of reading on the subject soI knowall that. Imdoing the best I can, but Im trying to groom himto be the best he can.
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2015-12-08 at 11:52 PM UTC
He has been convicted as a childmolester. He raped a 6yo at 15.
-edited to avoid culpability-T-PAIN withdrawal sucks.
Did you just run out, or are you trying to quit? I feel so bad for anyone going through withdrawal. -
2015-12-09 at 12:52 AM UTCYeah, well hes in WA state now, but if he thinks hes going to ever see this baby again... well, hes got another thing coming. He lied so much. He told me she just touched him and he touched her. It was a bich of bullshit and he said he was 13 (not that it matters but) the papers say completely different. WDs are a bitch, especially T-PAIN. I dont know wtf it is about it but Id venture to say they are worse than regular opiates, but their addictive nature doesnt come about until at least a month out (I was using amonth in the beginning and ran out and had no wds). Maybe its Ive been using so long.. idk. Either way, lets hope my exhusband self combusts into firey flames where there is nothing liquid save for gasoline in a confined roomwhere the fumes have accumulated. Hopefully he is wearing clothes that will melt into his flesh too.
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2015-12-09 at 3:40 AM UTC
Did you just run out, or are you trying to quit? I feel so bad for anyone going through withdrawal.
I ran out, but am trying to quit. For like 2 or 3 weeks I tapered down to 3 doses a day, lessening my dose until I ran out of my 5g jar. It's really not so severe it's just shitty having that achy sick feel on backburner for this long. Way better than cold turkey but it's not easy. Never had the willpower to taper down off anything before. -
2015-12-09 at 3:43 AM UTCI can confirm that hydro's ex husband is a shit bag for all the reasons stated above and more.
Source: §m£ÂgØL -
2015-12-09 at 3:56 AM UTCStarting second job tomorrow goodbye life
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2015-12-09 at 5:30 AM UTC
@Lanny
Not sure if I've mentioned this before, there are so many things I'm aware of even I can't keep track of everything at this point (I also suspect that treating autism spectrum disorder symptoms may also diminish some of the benefits), but have you read about theacrine? It seems to be an interesting alternative to caffeine, and I remember you stating that it works very well for you as a functional stimulant, if only it weren't for the tolerance, and this seems to function very similarly, except without the tolerance buildup. At the very least you may be able to cycle it with caffeine and could manage to have the benefits every day without any significant tolerance. Only downside is that caffeine is cheap as hell, so on a relative basis this is much more expensive, although the daily cost shouldn't be an issue for anyone well off.
Haven't heard of it but it sounds cool, I may give it a shot. I haven't found much room for stims in my schedule of late, I kinda inverted my work schedule. I used to do all my serious work during the day (11am-8pm) and just dinked around in the evening but since I switched jobs a few months ago, although the new one is easier and pays way better, it's not very challenging so I kinda just fuck around during the day and do all my interesting work at night. Which sadly means it's hard to go on the stimulant fueled work rampages I used to love so much, I end up just not sleeping. I've thought about getting disciplined and waking up 8 hours before I have to be at my job and doing my serious work then but I find I really do better sleeping late even when controlling for every other factor I can. I wonder how bad it would be to stim up at like 8pm and knock myself out with etiz or something around 1am a couple of days a week. Probably pretty bad but it still sounds like fun.Starting second job tomorrow goodbye life
Why are you picking up a second job? Something specific you want to save for or is it just necessary to make ends meet? -
2015-12-09 at 5:33 AM UTCThis is what I'm afraid of becoming: https://www.reddit.com/user/Isochroma-Reborn
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2015-12-09 at 6 AM UTC
This is what I'm afraid of becoming: https://www.reddit.com/user/Isochroma-Reborn
[FONT=verdana][SIZE=14px]Borax (Boron). Take 300mg Borax each night before bed.
[/SIZE][/FONT]
Sounds legit. So how will you know if you've become like this nigga? Like if I told you today that this is what you're like you wouldn't believe me, but if you were that far gone you wouldn't be able to tell anyway. It's like the classic fear of being retarded, you could never find definite evidence in favor of such a hypothesis but you couldn't deny it either, you're left to eternally wonder if you've slipped beyond the point of no return with no way of ever knowing. Scary shit mang -
2015-12-09 at 6:28 AM UTCNo, he's way too manic and energetic to be me. I literally crippled myself. The few posts I make really don't convey this properly, IRL you don't have time to formulate detailed responses, edit, look up and link to information etc. I mean, if I became manic from drugs like Nardil and NSI-189, continued this lifestyle, I could see myself becoming like that. It's lifestyle that's going to be the critical factor.
I've come to understand exactly what went wrong at every point in my life. It was a combination of unfortunate negative predispositions/innate traits; habits of the mind/my worldview, the views I came to develop, negative behaviors/habits that developed; and the environment I was in. It all created a perfect storm leading to an incredible psychological trainwreck. One of the worst vicious cycles you could fall into. I absolutely destroyed myself. I suppose this is what happens when you try to live an inhuman life in a human body, it ended up being a completely hollow life simply propping me up and keeping me in stasis to some degree. As I've said before, if you're going against eons of evolution, you're probably going to lose. Yet, despite this understanding, here I am, I'm still in this position and in the worst state to manage it, to attempt to improve myself and work my way out, repair the damage.
Now I just need to fight against self-destructive impulses and the negative behaviors I've developed, mainly the vast array of habits of the mind, views on every aspect of human existence, long enough until treatment begins to have some efficacy and I can continue that train of development.
I kept fluctuating between viewpoints, dealing with the immense internal conflict from what had developed over such a long period of time, mainly my resistance towards accepting the need for others, for meaningful (IRL) relationships, questions about whether I even wanted to be a part of this world, whether happiness would even be enough, but finally made a decisive decision that without massive external intervention I was going to die. This has been killing me for over a decade, and looking at the literature that really isn't an exaggeration (The effects are much worse than obesity and smoking, more widespread).
Why I'm going to start seeing a psychiatrist and therapist regularly.
Even before that I need to figure out a way to properly convey this within the time I have. It's going to be interesting, being completely honest about everything and seeing the reaction. There's so much that could be said, the full story really needs to be saved for a therapist, even just writing this makes me realize that it's so complex and multi-faceted that I really do have to write and edit something beforehand to memorize, provide some guidance/a general outline for what to say. This is an absolute mess, even my verbal skills never properly developed, my ability to communicate. I'm not used to structuring/organizing my thoughts/ideas in a way that's optimal for conveying them others. There are certain issues, order, sequentialism, pre-requisites, you have to deal with, you know? In your own mind you already have this understanding and everything's just there for you to pull up as needed. -
2015-12-09 at 8:29 AM UTCFuck, I don't want to play this game! I want of this ride!
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2015-12-09 at 9:50 AM UTC
I just made a stocking for my baby tonight. The one underneath was my Dad's. I like to sew and embroider when I have the time and arnt feelinglike shit. I need to find my emboidery wheel thingamadoodle. Wish I still had my book onknitting, I like to do that too.
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2015-12-09 at 9:56 AM UTChttp://web.archive.org/web/20140911022246/http://www.zoklet.net/bbs/showthread.php?t=304792
250 pages in just 4 months!
http://web.archive.org/web/20140909083235/https://www.zoklet.net/bbs/showthread.php?t=292410
420 in 6! And that's at 40 posts per page.
Meaningful human relationships. That is what one needs to have established IRL in order to have been able to successfully graduate from TRT/the totse communities and not implode/self-destruct. -
2015-12-09 at 10:17 AM UTCOh man, those threads are gold! I hope someone managed to make a copy of the forums, or at least the retarded threads. Seriously, why the fuck didn't we request that they at least focus on certain threads or forums first? Because we were apathetic, dysfunctional, and depressed as fuck like we are now?
