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The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition
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2015-11-30 at 8:26 AM UTC[FONT=arial]x/post: I'm pretty sure I have legitimate seasonal depression, although it mainly seems to make my energy levels and related things much worse. Mentioned this before. Although I'm always depressed to begin with, so it's just cumulative. Seems to be triggered by light levels or temperature, not sure which is the primary culprit, but I'm leaning towards the latter.
I'm dying inside. This has been slowly killing me over the last 10+ years, accelerating towards the end. Fortunately I have an appointment with a psychiatrist and may start meeting with a therapist as well.[/FONT] -
2015-11-30 at 11:18 AM UTCI find I'm worst in January. Looking back, that tends to be when I peak. Then the days start getting longer and I have my birthday to look forward to. Last January was rough, I remember walking down the middle of a pretty busy unlit road at night in the snow fucked on flubromazolam. Guess I wasn't properly suicidal otherwise I would have walked into oncoming traffic.
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2015-11-30 at 6:30 PM UTC
I recieved your pm, Malice. Sent and email and a pm just now. I might bitch alot but I do appreciate you Lanny for taking timeout of your yuppie life to give us somewhere to have rere thread.
No problem blood. I know everyone says this but this community is responsible for a big part of who I am today, I can point to tangible life decisions I made either on the advice of posters here or just as a result of being around whatever the fuck this place is, and I actually think most of them were for the best. I figure the least I can do is carve out some small amount of time to put up some webspace, although I should be doing more.I find I'm worst in January. Looking back, that tends to be when I peak. Then the days start getting longer and I have my birthday to look forward to. Last January was rough, I remember walking down the middle of a pretty busy unlit road at night in the snow fucked on flubromazolam. Guess I wasn't properly suicidal otherwise I would have walked into oncoming traffic.
I love me some winter months. It feels more "quiet" or something, darker, "cozy" or "safe" in a way. Don't have to deal with people as much, people I do deal with seem more docile, people walking on the streets are in 1s and 2s instead of big social packs roaming between clubs or something. Maybe it's just everyone gets less social and it makes me feel better or something but it really does feel like the most relaxing season to me. -
2015-11-30 at 7:34 PM UTCLanny I sent you a PM just now. As for the winter Iam torn. I likeit because its not so hot and on cold crisp nights the stars are fantastic to gaze at. On the other hand, its cold AND humid which makes my arthritis worse. It never snows (ornthebrare times it has, its not enough) so I couldnt even take my son sleighriding or build an egloo like I could in MD when it wouldsnow. Also, the day light thing... idk. Sometimes its nice when yiubhave someone to snuggle up with on cold dark nights but Im alone now and just havr the animals. Idk.. Ilike it in a way but insomeways I hate it and long for spring/summer.. then when its summer I long for winter, go figure.
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2015-11-30 at 9:09 PM UTC
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2015-12-01 at 12:52 AM UTCI'm chatting up a pretty cute chick from craigslist HA. She posted looking for a smoking buddy.
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2015-12-01 at 1:21 AM UTC
I'm chatting up a pretty cute chick from craigslist HA. She posted looking for a smoking buddy.
Probably wants to harvest your organs to support her smack habit. -
2015-12-01 at 1:26 AM UTC
Yeah, I'm fully aware of prohibition but you'll remember I specifically said I'm not arguing for outlawing alcohol, I was simply arguing that we would expect prohibition to reduce incidence of alcohol consumption (although other negative outcomes make it clearly a poor policy, or at very least poorly executed). Like yes, subversion of the law was common, but you're not actually claiming rates of alcohol consumption went up during prohibition are you?
Nah I was just saying that 'we would expect prohibition to reduce incidence of alcohol consumption' doesn't always work out the way that we would expect. If people want a drink, they are going to get a drink, even if they do have to go into dirty or dangerous places to do so.
Also, hydro, while I can't say that I approve of suicide except possibly in cases of extreme duress (on the order of killing oneself to avoid an even more painful demise), I do want to say that I admire that you are giving a thought to the living who would be affected by your actions. Nothing is more selfish, and, dare I say it, evil, than ending ones life when others are dependent on you for their survival. I hope you change your mind, but if not, I hope everything works out for you and yours. Don't really know you very well, but you are showing true character by ensuring that your dependents will be cared for. Anyone who thinks of their family in times like this, is essentially a good person, and its a shame that you gotta check out so early over something that could concievably work itself out given enough time. -
2015-12-01 at 1:41 AM UTC
Probably wants to harvest your organs to support her smack habit.
Like my organs would be worth anything. -
2015-12-01 at 1:50 AM UTCI agree with you on the alcohol prohibition shit, mike. the same is for any drug really. If they are gonna shoot dope,nolaw, no jail term,no probation ,no person is goingto stop them. people will find a way, fuck, I did enough times and drove crazy distances out of my way to get my shit. As for the checking out bit, its the only hickup in my plan. Even now finding somehwhere he will be safe snd loved.. there is still doubt, still worry.. still a desire for him to grow uplike I did and instill in him all I know, to push himto so something great in his life.. to be better than I am.at the same time I wonder and think he would be better off without me in some other life, some other family. I honestly dont know if I can hand him over and I feel selfish for that. on the other hand if I do, there will be nothing stopping me. I have amillion 'what ifs..' running through my head about giving him up. I love this child, Id kill for this child, fuck, Id steal for this child and suck dick for this child. Im not a thief and have no desire to be a whore, but if it made a better life for him, I would. The reason I dont steal now is A.) If I were caught Id lose him. B.) Its out side my character todo that. Id do it as a last resort though. I never thought I could love someone so much as I love this baby and he has changed me in ways I didnt know were possible. I wish it werent so complicated as this. I wish it werent so hard to decide on this, but whatever I do, I want to do it for his best interest and makesure he has the life and love he deserves. I know I can give him the love he deserves- but I dont know about the life. I wish somuch things were different and I couldmake shit work better for everyone.
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2015-12-01 at 1:59 AM UTCWhy don't you leave your child to Malice? He could do with the company, and that kid would grow up goddamn intelligent. Probably a little fucked up, but damn will he know his shit.
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2015-12-01 at 4:49 AM UTCBlahBlah, are you or were you ever on metformin?
https://www.reddit.com/r/Futurology/...o_120_in_good/
It could be safe enough to be worth the gamble. I was likely pre-diabetic/suffering from metabolic syndrome a few years ago. Had terrible hypoglycemic episodes after eating that would give me horrendous brain fog, particularly from meals high in grains (wheat), dairy, and sugar. You never fully recover from some things, for others some people don't. I could probably still use a bit of a boost, my fasting blood sugar may still be higher than optimal. Particularly since Nardil tends to cause a problem with, oh, nevermind, it may actually tend to cause hypoglycemia (low blood sugar), although it's unknown how much adding an enteric coating could reduce the occurrence of side effects, and which. Will have to research it more.As for the checking out bit, its the only hickup in my plan.
Make it your goal to at least try Nardil first. Have you read about it? If not, read the reports at socialanxietysupport.com , it's a life changing miracle drug, I wish I had started it years ago.Why don't you leave your child to Malice? He could do with the company, and that kid would grow up goddamn intelligent. Probably a little fucked up, but damn will he know his shit.
As hard as it may be to believe, counter intuitive and contrary to the standard nurture assumption, by the time you're an adult your parents have almost no impact on your outcome. To clarify, there are greatly diminishing returns. There's a big downside, of course you can do a lot of damage from abuse and neglect, but once the environment is merely adequate genes are the primary determinant. And the "environmental" component doesn't mean what the vast majority interpret it as meaning.
But your idea is related to an idea that has crossed my mind before. Imagine a charity service that could match single moms with people willing to help out either out of altruism or for the experience, to find out whether they want children, or just for personal development, to experience some of the impact of nurturing a child, helping to raise them.
It's a shame parents tend to be so overprotective of their kids, particularly their first time, it would be cool if they were more willing to share. I remember Lanny mentioning something about this, how even if you're friends they start acting weird, like you're untrustworthy, at least particularly for single/unmarried males. There's actually a biological basis to this: http://www.theatlantic.com/health/ar...mother/384179/
OCD and anxiety behaviors related to worries about the child, an oxytocin increase, whose effects are commonly misrepresented and misunderstood, it actually seems to have a strong in-group out-group enhancing effect, making them more suspicious of and less receptive to out-group members, the core in-group being the family. It's revolting and disturbing, really. Then again, what isn't driven by biology in our lives? Just look at the effects, the neurology, of love and sex. This just seems so much worse, though.
Regardless, I don't think I'm the type who likes children or ever will.
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2015-12-01 at 5:20 AM UTCId probably let you interact with my child, Malice. Im only fearful of the people whove given me just cause to be fearful of them. Id rathermy child have someone like you interactimg with them in their life than lots of people I know. Id prefer you over someone whod want to beat religion and god into their head than you. Youre a better person than you give yourself credit for. Having said that, if someone did hurt my child, it be a fucking witch hunt and Id make german scientists from wwII look like kind hearted humanitarians after I was done with the offender. Im not talk accidents either, shit happens, Id probably be pissed for the moment if my child say fell and broke their arm, and it was a legit accident that happened, but I wouldnt bring the forces of evil down upon them. Now they hurt my child with intent.. hell would stand in amazement at the shit I am capable of doing.
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2015-12-01 at 5:31 AM UTCYou know, I never liked most kids either. There was this one little boy who Id see in town with his mom. He was a fat little mexican kid. He was SO fucking polite. He would open doors for people, ma'am and sir, be very respectful, help people.. and this was a 5 year old. I never saw a kid I liked until I saw him. he was just aperfect child, fat, happy, and the manners that rivaled those much much older than him. I lile my child as it is now. Hes agood baby and I hope he is like that fat mexican kid when he is older. my baby wants to he held, fed, or changed and thats the only reason he cries. Being nonverable atm, thats his only way to tell anyone what he wants so you cant fault him for it. He cries way less than most babies. Hes babbling a lot now. Almost saying words.. its cute, and I like to sit and talk back to him. He is a good baby as far as babies go. In the car he never even makes a peep. When out hes just looking around soaking in everything. Im grateful I have a baby like this. A normal baby would have me already hung in the garage.
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2015-12-01 at 6:22 AM UTCSometimes I get less depressed and stop ruminating on existentialism and feelings of guilt and regret over the past, wanting to stop feeling so alone, and then I remember, "Oh right, it isn't just depression and my worldview skewing my perception, the world and people really are largely inadequate, uninteresting, repetitive, unfulfilling, and boring. No, I do not consider going out to stuff yourself with various different kinds of food to fulfilling. Most people are either terrible, uninteresting and unrelatable, or fatally flawed in some other way. I really do have a reason to feel seething hatred over all this, for not wanting to be a part of this world, that I try to avoid so it won't eat away at me inside."
Id probably let you interact with my child, Malice. Im only fearful of the people whove given me just cause to be fearful of them. Id rathermy child have someone like you interactimg with them in their life than lots of people I know. Id prefer you over someone whod want to beat religion and god into their head than you. Youre a better person than you give yourself credit for. Having said that, if someone did hurt my child, it be a fucking witch hunt and Id make german scientists from wwII look like kind hearted humanitarians after I was done with the offender. Im not talk accidents either, shit happens, Id probably be pissed for the moment if my child say fell and broke their arm, and it was a legit accident that happened, but I wouldnt bring the forces of evil down upon them. Now they hurt my child with intent.. hell would stand in amazement at the shit I am capable of doing.
Rules for interacting with children:
Don't be an idiot.
Pay attention to them, don't be forgetful. Hooray for autism power and nootropics, now I'm the kind of person that literally never forgets where they put something or what they were about to do. Although, I could see myself forgetting to watch them just out of innate apathy/disinterest that I couldn't fully suppress. I suppose if I ever did catch myself doing that I could just be like, "Well, I'm out of here. Sorry, your kid's boring, I don't think this is for me." -
2015-12-01 at 6:23 AM UTCI was thinking about over protectiveness in parents..while I was trimmimg goat and donkey hooves. These wealthy indians who look down on me, particularly thw wife and grandmother, the grandfather looks at me as ananomoly and you can see the disappointment in his eyes that his grandsons are so pussified and there is this woman who will wrestle this donkey and hisgrandsons arent so much as allowed to pet the goat through a fence for fear 'omg your going to break your arm!' (Seriously this happened). They cant pet a dog because their parents are frightened for them and they about shit their pants when my chow cross male dog, Fenian, leaped the fence and ran right over to my baby. Hes very protective of him. I think the wife did shit her pants honestly, she screamed 'omg get in the house boys!' He ran over sniffed his baby and sat there like a good boy. I dont understand their overbearing fear. My dad wasnt like that at all. I had my ear torn off and reattached as a child due to me being 5 and tormenting the dog we had and was warned multiple times to stop fucking with. He could have mauled and killed me, instead he just nipped but this dog had a powerful bite. He made mecome homeand feed himafter they sewed my ear back on because he was goingto be damned it I grew up scared of dogs. My dad when I came home fromtay with my grandmother after gettingriding lessonsfor afew months took me tothis horse riding farm he told them 'shes just been riding well schooled horses. I want to see the bad side of horses. Give her the nastiest horse you got.' This horse was a big grey quarter horse, 4 years green broke. He tried rubbing me off on the railz bolted with me and I grabbed him around the neck and drug him into the dirt. Before anyone could say anything, I already climbed back on him and continued riding. My dad wanted me to be tough and to take the good with the bad. He knew then Iwaspassionate about riding. When I was 6-10 he took me to play paintball sometimes. Of course he made me wear googles because he didnt want me to get seriously hurt, but I came home with huge welting bruises from the shit sometimes. I had fun. Igot hurt, but I Brushed it off and kept on going. He did accomplish making me tough and notsome dainty flowery pussy child. I plan to do the same with my child. I want him to be tough and see the world for what it truely is good and bad. Sure, Ill protect him from real danger, but Im not going to protect him from bruises thatll heal in time when the lesson is much more important than that and like many of the lessons my father taught me, will stick with him for life.
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2015-12-01 at 8:01 AM UTCMalice, youd probably make a better parent then I am. I forget shit all the time. Just now when I went to make a bottle (I rotate so he always has a bottle ready to grab in the fridge so he has a bottle for right now) to thaw a gallon of his goat milk. Im going to set an alarm and leave it sit on the counter so itll thaw a little faster soI can make him a bottle in the morning, but god damn it.. fuck I hate forgetting important shit like this. i am afraid he will get hurt due to my forgetfulness. I DO however never leave him where he will fall or stick him in the playpen when Im busy doing shit and the dogs are locked up. While doing dishes, Ivenoticed hes gotten really good about crawling around. The dogs are intuitive enough to realize this and Ive noticed their laying habit change. Theyll move to the edge of the fotonmatress I have on the living room floor toprevent him from escaping to other parts of the house. Normally theyllsleep on the matress. Something small the dogs do like that really helpsme tremedously. Thats why Ive feared being alone raising this child. I forget shit and I do it alot. I never realize in the time it takes to wash a few dishes how far a baby can crawl.
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2015-12-01 at 11:13 AM UTCAh, speaking of the dreams, Lanny's mention of them reminded me of two I should note before they slip away. Memories of dreams can fade so quickly, like sand pouring through your fingers.
In one I was in bed staring at the ceiling, looking at it and there was a feeling of focusing on it very very intently and becoming very awake, with a feeling of activation, of putting full effort into the use of the brain, or at least certain part of it centered around the "third eye" area. It was like normally there's a certain fuzziness, a feeling of never being fully awake/being partially asleep, in life, but this time the veil lifted and it felt like I began to see a sliver of reality more clearly than I had ever experienced before. More real than real, almost like waking up for the first time in your life, in a way, although I was only staring at a section of the ceiling. As this was occurring it began to give way to something and I realized it was DMT. I can't remember exactly what I saw, but there was a distinct feeling associated with it, the visuals felt like something from the onset of a DMT trip.
In another, I had false awakening experience followed by the onset of sleep paralysis. Very creepy feeling, in a way. I have a memory of another time when this was occurring, possibly multiple times, with my room appearing/feeling exactly the same in the dream, and I would try to fight against it and move towards the light switch, collapsing and ending up in bed with no memory of what had occurred after blacking out. Related to the commonly reported experience Lanny mentioned of trying to run and feeling like you're moving through molasses, it's caused due to your body being naturally paralyzed to some extent, I don't know the mechanism, so you don't move excessively while asleep, particularly while dreaming. In some people this is dysfunctional, leading to things like sleepwalking, and it's also responsible for the sleep paralysis experience. When I've experienced there's always a very foreboding sensation of it being caused by something external, and an association with alien abduction. Not so strong that there's a clear panicked thought, "Aliens are going to abduct me if I become unconscious.", just a very creepy, surreal, and detached feeling associated with that automatic association, that subconscious theme. -
2015-12-01 at 12:57 PM UTC
I hope he is like that fat mexican kid when he is older.
His father's §m£ÂgØL so he probably will be. -
2015-12-01 at 6:14 PM UTC
You know, I never liked most kids either.
I find there's usually an age. I have a younger cousin I've been getting along surprisingly well (to me) in recent years, I don't know if she got cool or I got old enough to enjoy kids of that age but before 10 or so I find interacting with children is like talking to a retard. Of course it's not their fault, just how kids are and have to be, but I can't deal with them without feeling like I'm taking down to them which is uncomfortable. But there come a point where you can see a fundamentally similar mind in there, like of course at 10 or whatever they're still pretty ignorant, you couldn't have an informed conversation about literature or whatever because there's just not the experience there but it's like "ok, with some time I could sit down and teach them basically anything I know, even if I have to build up from first principles" whereas younger children there are ideas that they just won't take, the mental rigor isn't there. And that's kinda exciting, not that I feel the need to try and teach kids math or whatever but just the idea that they are mentally whole at that point, kind of a sweet spot where the "childlike spirit" is still in evidence, kids seem pretty happy all things being equal around this age, but it doesn't appear to be for deficit cognitive abilities. Maybe it's just that's the first age I can recall clearly, I remember how much joy I got out of simple things like video games or a some gesture by an adult. Almost like a utility monster, someone who's legitimately happier per resource spent than others, something worth fostering I think.
Still, the idea of creating another mind with some necessary relation to my own is kinda frightening. There's an obvious appeal in the vanity, we all think our own way of thinking, of being, to be among the best and there seems to be good reason to believe that's inherited in some sense. But on the other hand, hmm, it's kinda hard to express. Like the madness, the cosmic mystery, to put it on another being seems strange, foreign. I'm not an anti-natalist, I'm not saying the suffering or negative elements of human existence always outweigh the positive. I guess it's kinda like sonder, like the enormity of the human experience, another person fully as real as you, it's almost mind shattering to think about. Like to make that decision, anything that goes into it must fundamentally be lesser than the consequence since if your lives are equal then the consideration must be lesser since it's contained in the consequence, it's a decision that you could never possibly give full due consideration to.
Hmm, that sounds dumb now that I read it back. Guess I just don't know how to feel about kids.
P.S. I didn't get your PM although I can send/receive on test accounts.
