The retarded thread: Fuck, §m£ÂgØL made one first edition

1. 2015-10-27 at 5:52 AM UTC

   #1861
   Malice Naturally Camouflaged
   BTW, I finally got around to reading The Bell Jar, and it was a terribly mediocre and unfulfilling book that never would have gained its unwarranted recognition if she hadn't committed suicide. Did you notice the very disappointing stereotypical feminine frivolity when you read it?
   
   I thought about trolling you by PM'ing you to thank you for the recommendation and say that it had solidified my decision to commit suicide. Don't take it personally, among the more intelligent there's often something deeply offensive and hurtful about being told a person didn't like a book you recommended. I was already aware of it and would have read it eventually regardless.
   
   I do like the analogy, though, which I mentioned before:
   
   

   An example of a classroom science experiment involving a bell jar is to place a ringing alarm clock under the bell jar. As the air is pumped out of the sealed bell jar, the noise of the alarm clock fades, thus demonstrating that the propagation of sound is mediated by the air. In the absence of their medium, the sound waves cannot travel.

   
   The feeling of connection to others and the worlds, communication as the medium, the feeling of belonging, of being understood, loved, of not being alone in the world. It relates to the above and my inability to find meaning and fulfillment in the world, although, to be clear, now I no longer desire those things and they seem wholly inadequate, insufficient.
   
   I feel like I've been under the bell jar my entire life. Even thoughts of having lived with others, of having lived with my family, parents and siblings, seem like another life now, a distant memory, and I was so detached, isolated, and alienated to begin with.
   
   

   Doctor Gordon’s waiting room was hushed and beige.
   The walls were beige, and the carpets were beige, and the upholstered chairs and sofas were beige. There were no mirrors or pictures, only certificates from different medical schools, with Doctor Gordon’s name in Latin, hung about the walls. Pale green loopy ferns and spiked leaves of a much darker green filled the ceramic pots on the end table and the coffee table and the magazine table.
   At first I wondered why the room felt so safe. Then I realized it was because there were no windows.
   The air-conditioning made me shiver.
   I was still wearing Betsy’s white blouse and dirndl skirt. They drooped a bit now, as I hadn’t washed them in my three weeks at home. The sweaty cotton gave off a sour but friendly smell.
   I hadn’t washed my hair for three weeks, either.
   I hadn’t slept for seven nights.
   My mother told me I must have slept, it was impossible not to sleep in all that time, but if I slept, it was with my eyes wide open, for I had followed the green, luminous course of the second hand and the minute hand and the hour hand of the bedside clock through their circles and semicircles, every night for seven nights, without missing a second, or a minute, or an hour.
   The reason I hadn’t washed my clothes or my hair was because it seemed so silly.
   I saw the days of the year stretching ahead like a series of bright, white boxes, and separating one box from another was sleep, like a black shade. Only for me, the long perspective of shades that set off one box from the next had suddenly snapped up, and I could see day after day after day glaring ahead of me like a white, broad, infinitely desolate avenue.
   It seemed silly to wash one day when I would only have to wash again the next.
   It made me tired just to think of it.
   I wanted to do everything once and for all and be through with it.

   
   The superficiality, lack of depth, inadequacy of the world, inadequacy and ugliness of others, of yourself, inability to find meaning and fulfillment, connection, you feebly reach out for help and the psychiatrist, the inadequacy of the system, crushes down on you again. Even the suffering doesn't seem to be enough.
   
   

   But I wasn’t sure. I wasn’t sure at all. How did I know that someday–at college, in Europe, somewhere, anywhere–the bell jar, with its stifling distortions, wouldn’t descend again?

   
   For me it never lifted to begin with.
2. 2015-10-27 at 5:56 AM UTC

   #1862
   

   Lanny Bird of Courage

   @ Lanny. I wasn't serious, although family issues did cross my mind as being the cause of you feeling "off", your father's health problems.

   
   My father's health problems. Did I mention that somewhere or do you know about that some other way? I know you know my name at least and I've put out enough information about myself here that it shouldn't be that difficult to identify me but I don't know how you'd be able to find out the particulars of my father's condition unless you knew me or my family. If that is a guess then impressive, my dad was hospitalized recently with a poor prognosis. I'm kinda fucked up over it and hate the whole social ritual of condolences so I avoid talking about it but either way, that was either an impressive guess or good stalking skills.
   
   

   Your viewpoint is terrifying to me. It's good that you have made your peace with the world and found happiness, I just don't think I could ever be satisfied with that or accept it, even if continues to drive me toward self-destruction; I wasn't completely joking when I said that I hoped psychedelics would at least allow me to come to terms with and accept death.

   
   Have you considered taking a hefty dose of a psychedelic while putting benzos or anything to abort the trip out of reach? Like going into the experience without a way jump out before the most intense part. I've sure you're aware of the research around psychedelics and dealing with death, how it helps terminal patients come to terms with their mortality, and that despite the subjective fear or anxiety there's no real physiological risk, even during really bad trips. I've had a couple of terrifying experiences but I don't imagine they're even that much worse than your day to day according to how you describe it. It's like jumping off a diving board for the first time: it's scary but once you commit to it without a way of turning back it's a really rewarding experience.
   
   

   ok its on its way.

   
   Really do be weary of the alcohol combo effect. I mention it because you talked about almost getting a DUI earlier. It will put you on your ass if your not looking out for it, most people have a really good feel for how drunk a given amount of alcohol will get them but your intuition goes out the window with the potentiation.
   
3. 2015-10-27 at 6:19 AM UTC

   #1863
   Malice Naturally Camouflaged
   You mentioned it on here. Autism power (memory/recall), remember? Although it comes at a very heavy price: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26385996?dopt=Abstract
   
   This could have been a good opportunity, but I won't take it.
   
   

   Have you considered taking a hefty dose of a psychedelic while putting benzos or anything to abort the trip out of reach? Like going into the experience without a way jump out before the most intense part. I've sure you're aware of the research around psychedelics and dealing with death, how it helps terminal patients come to terms with their mortality, and that despite the subjective fear or anxiety there's no real physiological risk, even during really bad trips. I've had a couple of terrifying experiences but I don't imagine they're even that much worse than your day to day according to how you describe it. It's like jumping off a diving board for the first time: it's scary but once you commit to it without a way of turning back it's a really rewarding experience.

   
   Risks and experiences differ, how bad it can get differs. I am terrified of what my mind may be able to produce, which is why I refuse to trip without a benzo on hand. My natural anxiety levels are already horrendous to begin with, the security of being able to rapidly abort has a very positive effect and will make it much easier to "let go", I can resolve to bear and work through difficult experiences, but if it becomes so bad that it threatens my well being, then it would be foolish not to. Some people really do develop full blown psychosis, depersonalization/derealization, PTSD, or are sent into depressive, even suicidal episodes. It was a bad trip that sent me into a depressive spiral almost two years ago, and it was mild one. You have no idea what this is capable of producing, and that is a good thing, no one should know. My hell, the demons of the mind, are unlike anything you could have imagined.
4. 2015-10-27 at 10:43 AM UTC

   #1864
   Malice Naturally Camouflaged
   NSI-189 is even cheaper than I thought. Just got a message back from the lab everyone on Longecity has been using for while and it's still only $550 for 100 grams, including shipping. Only $5.5 a gram, and a 3 month cycle only uses about 8g. That's a hell of a deal for one of the most effective antidepressants available. It literally regrows the main part of your brain that's atrophied from long-term depression, stress, schizophrenia, and other disorders. It plays a large part in emotion and if you read user experiences something that's regularly reported is regaining the ability to experience emotions and feel pleasure, joy in life, even after years of crippling depression.
   
   www.google.com/search?q=nsi-189
   
   Would anyone be interested in a group buy? Read about people's experiences if you're not convinced, it's the real deal. It's nothing like SSRI's, you should know I would never use or recommend that garbage, and it blows T-PAIN out of the water, I would only recommend that for mild depression and to prevent degradation of overall well being. I'm planning to keep 25 of those grams for my own personal use.
5. 2015-10-27 at 10:56 AM UTC

   #1865
   Malice Naturally Camouflaged
   Also have a new bulk order of nootropics to test:
   
   1x Shilajit Powder - 100 Grams for $26.59 each
   1x Idebenone (CV-2619) - 20 Grams for $21.31 each
   1x Acetyl L-Carnitine Powder (ALCAR) - 500 Grams for $15.85 each
   1x Caffeine Citrate - 10 Grams for $1.89 each
   1x Phosphatidylserine 20% (Non-GMO) - 25 Grams for $13.54 each
   1x N-Acetyl L-Cysteine (NAC) - 125 Grams for $5.83 each
   1x Sarcosine - 50 Grams for $7.99 each
   1x beta-Lipoic Acid - 100 Grams for $14.25 each
   1x Sulbutiamine Powder - 50 Grams for $18.04 each
   1x Phenylpiracetam (Carphedon) - 10 Grams for $35.49 each
   1x N-Acetyl L-Tyrosine (NALT) - 100 Grams for $5.59 each
   2x Milk Thistle Supplement - 25 Grams for $6.65 each
   1x Magnesium Glycinate 20% - 500 Grams for $18.99 each
   1x Glutamine Supplement (L-Glutamine) - 100 grams for $4.89 each
   1x Coleus Forskohlii Root Extract 10% (Forskolin) - 50 Grams for $11.40
   
   Cannabidiol (CBD) Sublingual Solution (whole spectrum extract)
   Pharmaceutical Grade Methylene Blue USP Powder 1
   7,8-Dihydroxyflavone Crystalline Powder 1
   Wild Blueberry Flavonoids (25%) - Powder Extract
6. 2015-10-27 at 11:13 AM UTC

   #1866
   The Self Taught Man Black Hole
   No matter what you do, your life will suck.
7. 2015-10-27 at 12:18 PM UTC

   #1867
   The Self Taught Man Black Hole
   Caffeine powder has been banned in Ohio for a few months now but I was just able to order 500 grams regardless. My last order was 250 grams and that lasted me about 18 months.
8. 2015-10-27 at 12:23 PM UTC

   #1868
   The Self Taught Man Black Hole
   Im gonna get stoned and go to Chick Fil A
9. 2015-10-27 at 1:38 PM UTC

   #1869
   The Self Taught Man Black Hole
   I gotta go the docs to try to get some zopiclone. And then steal wine. And then get pissed and argue with everyone.
10. 2015-10-27 at 6:06 PM UTC

    #1870
    SpatianHaigency Tuskegee Airman

    Really do be weary of the alcohol combo effect. I mention it because you talked about almost getting a DUI earlier. It will put you on your ass if your not looking out for it, most people have a really good feel for how drunk a given amount of alcohol will get them but your intuition goes out the window with the potentiation.

    Yeah I know all about it I've done loads of phenibut before with alcohol. My mornings used to be
    ~2g phenibut in cofee
    ~10mg etizolam
    -2 shots cheap whiskey
    ~scoops of T-PAIN until I felt it
    
    Going to try and only use it once or twice a week while I'm at work having to deal with disgruntled customers all day.
11. 2015-10-27 at 7:24 PM UTC

    #1871
    

    mashlehash victim of incest [my perspicuously dependant flavourlessness]
    god damn already 124 pages
    
12. 2015-10-28 at 12:53 AM UTC

    #1872
    Malice Naturally Camouflaged

    No matter what you do, your life will suck.

    
    
    It least it might give me the energy, the ability to function well enough, to properly come to terms with death and commit suicide, or commit the greatest mass murder in history.
13. 2015-10-28 at 2:25 AM UTC

    #1873
    arthur treacher African Astronaut
    My condolences, lanny.
14. 2015-10-28 at 5:19 AM UTC

    #1874
    Malice Naturally Camouflaged
    Went to lie down because I was feeling particularly down, ended up thinking about sad things in life and crying (pretty common occurrence mornings and nights in bed), then drifting to sleep. The major depression equivalent of naps.
    
    I'd ask whether you ever do this and how often you cry, PoC, but you wouldn't tell us. So closed off.
15. 2015-10-28 at 5:40 AM UTC

    #1875
    

    Lanny Bird of Courage

    BTW, I finally got around to reading The Bell Jar, and it was a terribly mediocre and unfulfilling book that never would have gained its unwarranted recognition if she hadn't committed suicide. Did you notice the very disappointing stereotypical feminine frivolity when you read it?

    
    I enjoy stereotypical feminine frivolity. When I see people are able to live "disconnected from reality" or sheltered such that they don't have to deal with the hardships of a more typical existence I experience a kind of vicarious pleasure. It's not that I want to be like that, but if my participation in society enables someone else to be able to avoid harsh "realities" I consider that a success (not my participation per se, but if the system operates such that a small working class (not marx's idea of the working class, merely a minority group responsible for a majority of productivity in a society) can bear a majority of the load of maintaining said society that's a good thing). Incidentally that's why I like slice of life shit.
    
    Not that I think Plath is really representative of that, in fact I think it shows you took a rather shallow reading of the book. And that's not just me being upset you didn't like it, I don't really care, indeed the frivolousness of a woman of her station and era is part of what's examined critically.
    
    

    I do like the analogy, though, which I mentioned before:

    
    The fig tree passage always hit me pretty hard, as it does with many middle class young people I suspect.
16. 2015-10-28 at 6:53 AM UTC

    #1876
    Malice Naturally Camouflaged
    After thinking about the parallels I see in myself, I realized there was more depth to it than I had thought at first. I still stand by my criticism, though, it doesn't change that, although I suppose it is an accurate depiction of depression, it's almost never the deeply insightful and profound tragedy that some would like it to be.
17. 2015-10-28 at 11:48 AM UTC

    #1877
    The Self Taught Man Black Hole

    I gotta go the docs to try to get some zopiclone. And then steal wine. And then get pissed and argue with everyone.

    
    You are the poster child for the stereotypical Brit.
18. 2015-10-28 at 11:52 AM UTC

    #1878
    The Self Taught Man Black Hole
    Considering how badly Malice stalks and obsesses over us on here I wonder how bad he is about that shit with his actual neighbors. Probably have security cameras looking into peoples windows.
19. 2015-10-28 at 12:21 PM UTC

    #1879
    Malice Naturally Camouflaged
    
20. 2015-10-28 at 10:31 PM UTC

    #1880
    

    Junior Jacon Jeese Jurger Houston
    lol wuts goin on in dis thread guise