2019-05-22 at 10:40 PM UTC
Just mowed my yard now it's time for another kind of grass
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2019-05-24 at 3:20 AM UTC
Just finished up the last of my charting... waiting for 3rd shift 🤗🙃❤️
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2019-05-26 at 4:07 AM UTC
“Late night don’t hang out with my guys no more, and she fine ain’t gotta be finer no more.. I found her aint gotta find her no more..she found me in the trenches with hella bishes.. it started in her DM I had to get it..ohhh..don’t wanna pretend with you”
💋❤️💋
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2019-05-26 at 4:33 AM UTC
Just got back from NA meeting. I shared even though i get anxious. Talked about how i feel like im good bc i dont want to get high, but all the same behaviors- like selling shit to make money- are still there. Ive been all depressed and out of it all week and i dont know why. I just feel like dogshit. The persona i had to crerate to exist on the street is just nothing like me, but i still have to shred all the distrust, aggression, anxiety that came with being that person. Spent a couple hours talking with my sponsor beforehand, doing the stepwork shit. Now im home and im debating whether to get postmates or not bc i feel like some real food but the only thing in the fridge is white rice and lentils and tabasco, and i dont really feel like eating the same thing 3 days in a row.
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2019-05-26 at 8:27 AM UTC
Originally posted by CASPER
Just got back from NA meeting. I shared even though i get anxious. Talked about how i feel like im good bc i dont want to get high, but all the same behaviors- like selling shit to make money- are still there. Ive been all depressed and out of it all week and i dont know why. I just feel like dogshit. The persona i had to crerate to exist on the street is just nothing like me, but i still have to shred all the distrust, aggression, anxiety that came with being that person. Spent a couple hours talking with my sponsor beforehand, doing the stepwork shit. Now im home and im debating whether to get postmates or not bc i feel like some real food but the only thing in the fridge is white rice and lentils and tabasco, and i dont really feel like eating the same thing 3 days in a row.
Eat out, enjoy yourself Casper.
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2019-05-26 at 8:49 AM UTC
Drinking isnt exactly my thing, but was talking to sponsor about clean time and shit (still havent told him about the methadone. I kinda hoped id be able to kick the shit before i had to talk about it), and it seems like drinking is still a big no-no. Idc if i dont get to drink once every few months or even once a year, but i have to say, i feel kinda uncomfortable at the prospect of never being able to just do "normal" stuff again. Like when ive met Zoklet/ TOTSE people - or just new friends in general- the "thing" that you do is go out and get some beers, play pool. Or on the anniversay of a friends death, we'd go out and do shots at his gravesite. I dont even really like alcohol, so i dont know why it feels like a loss. But it feels like theres something in the ...ceremony (?) of drinking, that i wouldnt feel the same if i was sitting there drinking cranberry juice.
But then again my brain is fucked up. idk. I guess technically the whole experience of being sober is about me, but ironically, i also feel guilty hiding things from everyone whos been super supportive, and for whom alcohol geuinely was a problem. I barely have 7 months out of the last 13 NOt using heroin, so i clearly dont know a lot about sobriety, but i like to think i know myself pretty well.
My goal is not to wake up every day for the rest of my life, and meditate like a monk on my sobriety, and what it means to bve an addict. My goal is to slowly build back my body and spirit, and take enough time away from those habits, that I wake up every morning and barely remember that any of this ever happened. To be so far removed from all that guilt and anger and violence and shame and depression, that it just seems like a bad dream i had once a long time ago. For some people, it seems like being an addict is the defining feature of their lives. Thats just not for me, but if i were to tell that to some of them, itd feel kind of like a betrayal.
God. I kinda want to start my own group.
2019-05-26 at 8:50 AM UTC
Resigning to my fate of sobriety, at least then mistakes are not made, things are not lost, and I certainly don't regret what I've done the previous night.
2019-05-26 at 8:59 AM UTC
Rationally, thats now i feel. But ive gotten pretty good at pulling back the layers of "what i feel" to get a glimpse at what it is i REALLY feel. And im just not good at bonding with people. The only way i ever did that was through substances, or by acting like a fucking thug and doing some shit that could land us both in prison. Neither methos was always particularly effective, but the prospect of never having that "thing" anymore just feels weird. Maybe thatll change with time.
2019-05-26 at 9:03 AM UTC
Yeah I mean like they say, "going for a drink" is just an expression, it doesn't have to be alcohol, but it does make the night somewhat enjoyable. I've found extended periods of sobriety unlock a new "persona" of sorts. I can be more engaging just as I was when drunk etc. Takes time for my body to be like that but it doesn't mean the temptation isn't there.
2019-05-26 at 11:42 AM UTC
Getting ready to leave for work and it’s storming like a bitch out there. 60 mph wind gusts, hail, and plenty of thunder and lightening. Abddddd, of course my umbrella in in the car😖
2019-05-26 at 11:55 AM UTC
Originally posted by Technologist
Getting ready to leave for work and it’s storming like a bitch out there. 60 mph wind gusts, hail, and plenty of thunder and lightening. Abddddd, of course my umbrella in in the car😖
i would Walk next to you and cover u. but im the land of Lincoln.
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2019-05-26 at 5:37 PM UTC
Blogging the mass destruction caused by the storm ...
I feel like one of those people who chase twisters 🌪 😋
Mother Nature you bitch!
I grovel at your shear power!
2019-05-26 at 6:17 PM UTC
Smokin marijuanas and marinating meats...
2019-05-26 at 9:46 PM UTC
about to make some blueberry pancakes
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2019-05-26 at 10:49 PM UTC
Watching Goodfellas eating Feta cheese, olives & garlic on crackers.
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