drunk, hungry, angry, sweaty, itchy, and full of hatred and contempt for anyone who's happier than me,anyone who has more money than me, and all profitable entities. I would only be fully satisfied in my life if I was a dictator of a nation.
Feel good sobriety wise. But the hustler part of my brain is fucking stupid. I cant just be happy. I could never be the guy who works at the grocery store for 42 years bc it pays the bills. I always need to have something going on. And not feeling like im progressing is probably more dangerous for me at this point that cooking up a last spoon of heroin. Doesnt matter if im sober... if i do half the shit ive got going on in my head, im going to do a few years in prison. And i was feeling good and energetic and kinda spiritually high, but end of last week i feel like i just hit a wall. Only went to the gym 2x this week. Just feel drained. Body hurts. Maybe bc im only taking half my methadone dose, but i feel like id know if it was that. Although idk if im sick or something. I did throw up in my sleep last night. Woke up choking on it and had to run to the bathroom. Was all in my sinuses and shit. Was awful. And then I started laughing hysterically bc what are the chances id survive 4 overdoses and 13 years of heroin addiction and die from food poisoning and a tummyache or something? rofl.
idk. No idea wtf im doing. Feel like im going back into survival mode, and i hate that shit. I want to feel alive and energetic and loving and grateful, transcendent, strong, successful all the time. If i had a dime for every time i said "Ughhhh *sigh* Jesus fuck give me a BREAK!!" today alone...Id have bout tree fiddy. Or tree sebenyfie cent
Just finished watching the Netflix ted bundy drama thing. Very interesting feelings. Gets me thinking a lot about facades and faces, personalities. The people we become to account accomplish certain goals. Even the people we become to hide from what we are, sometimes. So much fucked up stuff springs from psychological trauma or mal- development. Poor relationships with a parent. Early childhood sexual encounters. After one of the nutty chicks I briefly dated/ used drugs with in the same apartment for a year, she had these kinda fucked up fetishes that somehow got transferred to me. I'd find myself watching certain things online and then I'd kind of freak myself out because it was so outside my comfort zone. But then being numb and in control and hyper masculine also felt really fucking good. Idk. Weird shit, yo.
Think I went through mild psychosis the first time I read American Psycho, BEE writes like a yuppie faggot, but I guess that's sort of his shtick.
Got my take homes....Wednesday. Thursday on ive been taking half my dose. Bought graduated cylinders n shit off Amazon to measure accurately. So I've been taking half of my 114mg bottle every day. I don't feel traditionally "dopesick", and fortunately my first thought anymore isn't to use, or "take the rest of the bottle and you'll be okay". But mentally and physically a feel drained, angry. A lot of thinking. And my stomachs been fucked, and I threw up in my sleep last night. Idk what's going on. Might be that tho. I figured I'd know dopesick by now.
Well, don’t ya think that this is a different kind of dope? I know it has opiates in it, but I believe there’s other additives. If you changed Thursday, I’d bet money this is the cause of you feeling like this. You are doing it right by titrating, but every time you cut your dose, you’ll probably go through some type of withdrawals till your body gets used to the new dose.
