2019-04-17 at 8:20 PM UTC
gadzooks
Dark Matter
[keratinize my mild-tasting blossoming]
As many of you have surmised by now, I have a bad habit for letting derelicts and reprobates into my home.
Factor in that I live in a town absolutely brimming with such unwanted visitors, and you have a recipe for perpetual failure in life.
I thought of just relocating to another town, but I've been doing that my whole life. I need to stop running away from my problems and start facing them and dealing with them head on. But first, I need some space to allow me to rebuild some of the momentum I once had.
So therefore, I have set out to construct an impenetrable barrier between the undesirables that dwell outside, and the peace, safety, and tranquility conducive to productivity and personal and psychological growth that exists inside these walls.
Here is my entire plan laid out for others to see. I feel like if I make a public declaration of my itemized checklist of steps required (largely inspired by Octavian's recent "Next week I will..." thread), that I will be more likely to follow through on each step.
So here goes:
1. Rewiring my apartment intercom so I can more easily intercept visitors that at least have the decency to try to use the front door like a normal visitor. I also want to be able to completely block any potentially noisy "buzz" sounds altogether after hours, or while I'm particularly busy during the day and need to focus.
1A. Download and study the precise intercom wiring schematics.
1B. Purchase soldering kit and wire cutters/strippers and various other things I might need for this project.
1C. Work out how I am going to reconnect all the different components into an Arduino board and Raspberry Pi so that it can all be controlled via devices on my network.
2. Controlling unwanted visits at my rear patio door (the bane of every ground floor apartment dweller).
2A. Install outdoor (WiFi connected) camera with two way voice communication (so that I can first see who it is, then ask them what they want, all before even approaching the door, let alone having to open it to find out). I also believe that the camera will also deter the more criminally oriented visitors (it will probably freak them out and maybe keep them away entirely), or the more crazy/paranoid perpetually drugged out and/or schizo ranters and so on (who will be likewise freaked out and likely not return).
2B. Install pressure sensor mat that will immediately turn on the outdoor camera's lights. This is also meant more as a deterrent to hopefully remind people that A FUCKING REAR PATIO DOOR ISN'T MEANT TO BE KNOCKED ON WHEN A PERSON HAS A FRONT DOOR YOU FUCKING UNBELIEVABLE FUCKS!!!11 (sorry, temporary side rant).
3. Add speech-to-text and text-to-speech interception of BOTH front intercom AND rear patio, so that I can actually just let the machine answer it if I feel like it. I think I'm gonna have a recording of Consuela (of Family Guy fame) saying "Noo, noo, Superman not home."
4. A backup plan for the especially persistent.
4A. Wrap barbwire around baseball bat.
4B. Approach patio door with said bat and have the curtains automatically slide over and a bright light automatically shine directly on me.
4C. If they still don't get the hint... Proceed to bludgeon unwanted visitor with said bat.
The following users say it would be alright if the author of this
post didn't die in a fire!
2019-04-17 at 8:24 PM UTC
"no you can't come in - fuck off"
Works great and requires little technical knowledge.
The following users say it would be alright if the author of this
post didn't die in a fire!
2019-04-17 at 8:29 PM UTC
gadzooks
Dark Matter
[keratinize my mild-tasting blossoming]
Also, the "just no - fuck off" bit doesn't overcome the middle of the night front door buzzings that wake me up, or the assholes that tap on the rear window at any time of day, because I can't tell them to fuck off without first stopping everything I'm doing and going to see who it is I'm telling to fuck off.
2019-04-17 at 8:30 PM UTC
gadzooks
Dark Matter
[keratinize my mild-tasting blossoming]
Number 3 on my outlined plan allows for automated "fuck off" responses.
The future is now.
2019-04-17 at 8:31 PM UTC
The following users say it would be alright if the author of this
post didn't die in a fire!
2019-04-17 at 8:45 PM UTC
An impenetrable Fortress would be considered a Bastion.
2019-04-17 at 8:49 PM UTC
get a sign like this
The following users say it would be alright if the author of this
post didn't die in a fire!
2019-04-17 at 8:50 PM UTC
I think that sign might just attract more.
The following users say it would be alright if the author of this
post didn't die in a fire!
gadzooks
Dark Matter
[keratinize my mild-tasting blossoming]
Also, by any chance, does anyone here know precisely how the door release mechanism works?
I guess it's a constant electrical signal that, when interrupted (by a button mechanically suppressing it), the front door is released.
I gotta be extra careful about mucking around with all this because if I fuck something up, the front door to the entire building will be unlocked 24/7... lol.
Anyone have that classic gif of police trying to ram a door in and it blows them the fuck up?
2019-04-18 at 4:30 AM UTC
-SpectraL
coward
[the spuriously bluish-lilac bushman]
I would use super sonic force fields. If the intruder steps into the field, all the molecules in his body get scrambled and start to fall apart, and he just turns into a liquid pile of jello-like material.
2019-04-18 at 10:31 AM UTC
Has anyone penetrated you yet?
The following users say it would be alright if the author of this
post didn't die in a fire!
The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
