2019-03-18 at 12:55 AM UTC
GGG
victim of incest
[my veinlike two-fold aepyornidae]
So I have a friend who is by all means a great friend, but he doesn't know how to cook for shit.
Recently he made some steaks that had been marinating for a few hours. At first this intrigued me, since I had never heard of him marinating anything, so I asked him what the meat was soaking in.
Almost immediately, I felt something rise up to my throat. Maybe I was just stoned, but I swear he spent a good 3 minutes just listing off different sauces that he had in his fridge. Multiple steak sauces and rubs, some BBQ, god fucking knows what else. I kind of tuned it out.
"...so it's gonna be good as fuck."
"Yeah, damn. That sounds awesome," I lied. He usually eats microwave foods and I didn't want to discourage him.
The smell of steaks came at me in a gust, but I could not smell any meat. I mean, it SOUNDED like he was cooking meat. It LOOKED like meat. But it did not smell or resemble meat any more than a cardboard box with sauce and cheese resembles a pizza. These things—these so called steaks— were a monstrosity. A goddamned abomination.
Not only were they cooked free of any tender pinkness, but they were loaded with sauce from the inside out, discoloring the meat. Each and every bite stung with the sort of unnatural excuse for flavor that can only be found in this sauce of devils.
I was halfway through the meal when my friend asked the question that would forever change me.
"Do you want some A1?"
I flipped my shit. I threw the steak at my friend. How fucking DARE he.
It's been several weeks and I've yet to return his calls. I don't plan to either. How can one remain on speaking terms with a person who has tried to poison them?
You just can't.
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2019-03-18 at 1:05 AM UTC
You handsome and well tanned individuals are a sad race with terrible taste in everything, especially food.
Real steak sauce is made from the blood of the animal you are eating
2019-03-18 at 1:10 AM UTC
Steak sauce is fine for a cheap steak.
If I’m cooking it myself or eating at a nice steakhouse, just a little salt and pepper right before cooking it is perfect. Doesn’t need anything else
2019-03-18 at 1:11 AM UTC
Also I know you fancy yourself a kind of “writer” or whatever, but I think you’re trying a little too hard here
2019-03-18 at 1:16 AM UTC
No I just meant it was obvious you intentionally tried to write the OP in the same descriptive manner as you would write a short story or something and it just comes off kind of forced
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2019-03-18 at 1:23 AM UTC
yeah how dare he eat his food differently than you
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2019-03-18 at 1:38 AM UTC
What’s wrong with the nature of how I like my steaks. How do u eat them?
I put sauce on chicken wings too. That’s another type of cheap meat that doesn’t taste very good by itself. Am I some kind of meat blasphemer for eating chicken wings too?
You take your steaks pretty srs bro
2019-03-18 at 2:33 AM UTC
If I’m in a restaurant and order steak, and it comes out and it’s not a very good steak, I’m not gonna ask them to cut it up and put it in a taco for me lol.
That’s the only situation where I’ll eat a bad steak with steak sauce. If I cook it myself I do it right.
2019-03-18 at 2:34 AM UTC
You people are just hipsters
"STEAK sauce?!, no thanks I only use dijon mustard truffle aeoli"
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2019-03-18 at 2:38 AM UTC
Steak is a pretty unhipster food. For one thing, it’s meat.
I don’t think that word means what u think it does.
