If you're like wtf is this, its an experience report for an MAOI, unfinished. Posting it on here as a draft, transcribed from notes, will update live
11:21am 30mg phenelzine, oral
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Current AM regimen:
8:30am- 600mg gabapentin, oral
20mg baclofen, oral
2mg lorazepam, oral
8mg buprenorphine, sublingual
*200mg bupropion
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* (bupropion 200mg insufflated between 9 and 11 am)
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Preface: I currently suffer from severe treatment resistant depression, ADHD, and anhedonia. I speculate the cause, or atleast, what has increased the severity of my ailments significantly, is 7 years of drug use. Started with amphetamine 15mg taken sparingly at age 13, and alprazolam, also experimented with. I started using these drugs to treat my lack of motivation and severe depression at the time, manifesting itself also to severe anxiety 24/7 and panic attacks multiple times a day. I would self medicate successfully for about a year, before my father noticed i was pilfering his pill bottles. At that point, I would go through severe benzodiazepine withdrawal that would land me in the hospital.
At that time, with nothing else but finding the occasional benzo on the floor or something, I moved on to bundy. I could write paragraphs and paragraphs, an entire full length memoir on my bundy use but for the purpose of this article, I'm just going to say, I did bundy heavily from age 13 to 15.
After starting on that, In late 2013, age 14 I discovered propylhexedrine, which I had gone on to abuse for a good 4 years. I believe this is the problem, in terms of why I have lasting anhedonia.
I also have possible (probable) neurological damage from use of synthetic cannabinoids, research stimulants, psychedelics, and the like.
Anyways, thats a short drug history and reasons as to why I'm so fucked up.
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11:34. +13 minutes since dose
I'm starting to feel initial effects of motivation, as I would not have typed all that up if not for the effects of this drug. I had come down off bupropion at around 11am so I should currently be feeling like shit. A noticable stimulation, and a fuzzy feeling in my stomach.
When I am approaching or experiencing euphoria sometimes, Theres a remarkable feeling in the stomach, and a weird semismile that it causes.. as I am stoic naturally, I'm not very good at expressing emotion so that might be why the smiling is so foreign.
As a note for readers: I am NEVER this motivated to write unless under the influence of some sort of stimulant, and never have the clarity and relaxation to put forth into a concentrated project without a strong anxiolytic. It may be due to my current sobriety.. I live in an inpatient residential facility, on benzodiazepine (6mg lorazepam) and bupe. Maintenance.
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12:41 + 80 mins
I'm definately starting to feel a calming, tranquil yet motivating antidepressant effect. Maybe it was a mistake insufflating ~80mg bupropion about now, will definately muddy up the discernment of effect from high from baseline. Eh whatever
