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Fuck all of you
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2015-12-31 at 10:42 AM UTCSome dude I can't remember made this analogy. - Fuck, I'm so high right no and shitting for an hour posting here my ass hurts and my feet fell asleep... That's not the analogy but I have to get outta here or I die like Elvis.
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2015-12-31 at 11:15 AM UTC
You might be right, Malice. You've probably messed yourself up. I can't argue with that but I don't think I have to. You know what's up. I know, that you know more than you can communicate. I wish I could give some advice but I don't have anything, lol.
Do you think there's the possibility of a happy end to your story? Don't be dramatic, though.
This is good. Sometimes you just want someone to understand, it's the best thing they could do.
Yes, it's fully possible. I have a plan, a good one. My NSI-189 + Nardil + valproic acid (for neuroplasticity) stack should soon begin (only attaining Nardil is uncertain, but I think I can pull it off), and when combined with intensive therapy, recovery should be greatly accelerated.
Information about Nardil here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Nootropics/comments/3u999j/toward_a_neurology_of_loneliness_the_neurological/cxdau3r
It can really be an incredible antidepressant and anxiolytic when used properly. Life changing, even for the most severe cases. It's highly lauded on socialanxietysupport.com, and for good reason. The reports can be incredible. Like a switch is flipped and one day you wake up feeling the happiest you've ever been, like you've always imagined life should feel like, and it feels surreal, almost as if you've always felt this way.
NSI-189: https://www.reddit.com/r/Nootropics/comments/3vxh8j/nsi189s_phase_1b_clinical_trial_is_over/
Neurogenesis in the hippocampus and amygdala as well. And it seems to be assymetrical, with the sides eliciting positive emotions/behavior effected. The reports are very promising. Regaining emotions, much greater emotional intensity, adult hippocampal neurogenesis is implicated in forgetting, very promising for PTSD, to forget and override traumatic/bad memories of the past, reprogram your behavior/develop new positive habits, move beyond trauma and deficits/disorders, strong anti-depressant effects, improved internal monologue, emotional resilience, reduced intrusive and negative thought (patterns), a feeling reminiscent of a childlike state, where there's more wonder and interest in everything. Likely a few that I missed.
Valproic acid restores neuroplasticity to a juvenile state, reopens the critical period. It may be possible to make up for what I didn't experience in the past. Just one period of intense, fulfilling friendship/social relationships, another focused on passionate love, working on self-improvement during periods alone, developing the habits, skills, for success I missed out on.
Maybe even some P-21 (derived from cerebrolysin) afterward to promote the development of connections between the newly formed neurons. -
2015-12-31 at 11:22 AM UTCOhh man, you got me hyped up for this. Where do I sign up? I hpe TTIP makes it easier to order drugs.
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2015-12-31 at 11:23 AM UTCThe analogy was about a race car or some shit but fuck that. Just shoot the Nardil right into my brain.
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2015-12-31 at 7:15 PM UTC
How old are you now?
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2016-01-01 at 4:52 AM UTC
Ohh man, you got me hyped up for this. Where do I sign up? I hpe TTIP makes it easier to order drugs.
The analogy was about a race car or some shit but fuck that. Just shoot the Nardil right into my brain.
ctr + f germany: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl?post=/babble/20140512/msgs/1066211.html#1066211
Do you have crisis centers? Places people can go to if they're feeling suicidal or severely depressed, something like that. You could lie, use the technique I mentioned, to get it prescribed quickly. I don't think it's available in Germany, so you may have to go to a Belgium pharmacy or have it imported. It would be great for kick starting recovery, getting on the path to improving your life. It really is an incredible drug.
NSI-189 can be affordable too. There's a user on Longecity, Strangelove, who sells it from Greece. Buys it in bulk for discount prices. You can get it as cheaply as $5.5 a gram if you buy 100g from a lab in China and split it with others. A 3 month cycle at the recommended 40mg twice a day only uses about 8g, making it pretty affordable. -
2016-01-01 at 5:08 AM UTCJust be like me and invent your own friends! They'll never turn on you!
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2016-01-04 at 4:55 AM UTC
"If I could feel emotions I'd cry like a bitch, wha whaaa wha"
Sorry buddy, I didn't want to piss you off but you were a pretty good example for a fucked up social outcast, no offense. I'm really you're doing better now and I hope you'll figure shit out that works for you.
if I could feel emotions I'd probably be getting the shit kicked out of me
also being a social outcast doesn't matter to me. You can call me edgy/schizoid/whatever but I really don't mind. -
2016-01-04 at 11:09 PM UTC
ctr + f germany: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl?post=/babble/20140512/msgs/1066211.html#1066211
Thanks for that. I might hit up that Greek dude. Let me know how it works out for you.
Do you have crisis centers? Places people can go to if they're feeling suicidal or severely depressed, something like that. You could lie, use the technique I mentioned, to get it prescribed quickly. I don't think it's available in Germany, so you may have to go to a Belgium pharmacy or have it imported. It would be great for kick starting recovery, getting on the path to improving your life. It really is an incredible drug.
NSI-189 can be affordable too. There's a user on Longecity, Strangelove, who sells it from Greece. Buys it in bulk for discount prices. You can get it as cheaply as $5.5 a gram if you buy 100g from a lab in China and split it with others. A 3 month cycle at the recommended 40mg twice a day only uses about 8g, making it pretty affordable. -
2016-01-05 at 5:37 AM UTC
Malice, write your mom a letter. Do it. You can still fix your life and it's real easy. You just need a hug. It's literally that simple.
God I fucking feel guilty about what I did to them. I mean...fuck... It's one of things I ruminated on so much, replayed in my mind over and over, part of what made me feel unforgivable and want to commit suicide. It would take hours to fully explain this, to make sense of why everything occurred. My autistic symptoms were much more pronounced in the past, and I just had the worst psychological profile, there were so many things that contributed to this. Asking why I did some of the things I did would be like asking someone with severe OCD why they feel compelled to do certain things, or someone with psychosis why they did something insane; I was severely mentally ill and should have been put in therapy and given medication. Not in a typical sense, I wasn't delusional, didn't have schizophrenic symptoms, but I did not understand the value and importance of human relationships, I did not understand what an incredible amount of damage I was doing to myself, my life. I just ended up thinking myself into an ideological black hole. I just developed this insane resistance to opening up to other people, accepting the need for them; I completely closed myself off.
It was a shroom trip that brought this to the surface, how unhappy I was, that I would never be happy like this. It was mild, just the depressive introspection and lowered inhibition of repressed themes. Just realizing that this idea you've had of attempting to live without other people, which had gone on for over a decade, the state you were in, how alone you really were, how I had made myself alone, and it was all a waste, I'd had the wrong ideas about life. I panicked and the shock was enough to cause depersonalization/derealization. That was the start of a depressive spiral triggering a boost in empathy, rumination, introspection (it fits the evolutionary theory behind depression). Unfortunately the more I thought and read the more I realized just how bad things were, more things that led to suffering were uncovered (the more knowledge, the more pain, the more wisdom, the more suffering).
I inadvertently greatly reduced my symptoms of autism (Asperger's) through my goal of attaining maximum self-improvement, short of anything that requires other people. If I had to guess what did it, I would say I had likely been suffering from chronic neuroinflammation caused by genuine food sensitivities, possibly other issues. Along with nootropics, some having a strong beneficial effect, it got to the point where I realized why the world had never felt right, what had been missing. It was the human element. My description of what autism is like, and the severity varies, is that it's like being trapped within yourself, your own autistic/extremely introverted bubble. That sense of connection to others, to the world around you, the feeling of empathy, emotional coloring of the world. That's what had been missing, what other people felt that I didn't, what made life worth living and brought so much joy to other people. Just realizing you completely missed out on this, missed out on life, that you never developed properly during such a critical period in life and now you're unsure if you'll ever be able to properly recover, to what extent you may be able to. Can you imagine what that feels like? You suddenly realize everything you missed out on, how different your life could have been, how you made the people who tried to reach out to you feel? After leaving my parents my ability to feel compassion,empathy, really had been purposefully erased, but my attempts to shield myself from the pain in life, dependence, also destroyed by ability to experience the joy that I was unaware of, unwilling to accept the need for others; it had been erased to the point where I genuinely never thought or felt anything for them until the breaking point, which took about 5 years after leaving. Then you're no longer able to run away from your own thoughts, to close off your emotions, suddenly you understand how you made them, how different things could have been, you realize that they did care about you, you were just so trapped in your own autistic bubble you didn't really realize it, fully understand it, you were fixated on negativity and pushing everyone away, closing yourself off; you think of all these moments and understand how a parent must feel when their child is like this, when they do something like this.
Over a decade devoid of human warmth, of meaningful human experience. Every depressive symptom at the maximum, my ability to experience pleasure, any positive emotion, emotion in general, destroyed, and then you've driven yourself to literally nothing and suddenly it all hits you? Can you imagine what that does to you?
This is what I regret the most, and there's more to it. Everything just felt so overwhelming and insurmountable, over a decade of essentially psychologically torturing yourself, making yourself as miserable as possible, completely unaccomplished and unfulfilled. I had just developed the most negative mentality possible. Reading the books Happiness: a Guide to Developing Life's Most Important Skill and The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom, related to the subject of positive psychology, I literally did the exact opposite of what was recommended for achieving happiness. I would describe this as the outcome of attempting to live an inhuman life in a human body. I'm still bound by biological reality, limitations, just like everyone else, and if you're going against eons of evolution you're probably going to lose. A constant state of rumination, negative fixation, on all aspects of human existence. Such an extreme systemizer you see humans and human society as the most complex system of all, you even systemize yourself, your own life. This fixation on deconstruction and analyzation, on philosophical and existential concepts, draining all the meaning out of everything, only exacerbating your profound sense of disillusionment, detachment, alienation, and isolation.
Absolute psychological trainwreck. I really did destroy myself, did an unbelievable amount of damage to myself and my life. I was really attempting to come to terms with death like someone in the end of life stages. Of course suicide seemed like a preferable option at this point. God, I really was the type who just couldn't stop thinking and just enjoy life. I mean, what can I say? It happened, this is the position I'm in. -
2016-01-05 at 8:44 AM UTC"I have learned to walk: since then I have run. I have learned to fly: since then I do not have to be pushed in order to move. Now I am nimble, now I fly, now I see myself under myself, now a god dances within me."
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2016-01-05 at 8:51 AM UTCLet God dance, niggah. Stop the rumination now. Thinking is what sets you apart from the masses so don't stop that but you have to force yourself out of this shit the same way you forced yourself in. I'm sure that you'll improve your life in the future. You just have to work on it. Go back home, bro.
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2016-01-05 at 1:34 PM UTCI can't, after everything that's happened. We weren't a real family to begin with. God, my father, he never hit me, but I can see that I likely inherited some of my worst traits from him. He was just so incredibly negative and it made him so unpleasant to be around, a toxic presence. At his age, he's likely too far gone, I just hope he'll find his peace in death. I remember him saying once, while talking to my godfather, that he didn't care if he died after his children were old enough to be on their own.
What would I tell them? That I was severely mentally unwell and destroyed myself? That I don't think I can ever be a real son to them?
If I manage to find happiness and peace, success, I'd like to let them know. For now, I wish I had faked my death. Hopefully they assumed I died and my memory faded with time, although without certainty, not knowing what happened to your child, why they disappeared without warning, whether they loved you, never having been able to connect with them and understand who they are, is part of why it felt so painful for me to reflect on what I did. That's not the environment I need. I need to some day be able to create my own family. Not in the traditional sense of a wife and children, but a group of true of friends, possibly be able to open my heart and love someone, if I can recover to that point, make something of myself where I feel I would deserve the kind of person I would want in my life. -
2016-01-05 at 1:53 PM UTC"What would I tell them? That I was severely mentally unwell and destroyed myself? That I don't think I can ever be a real son to them?" That would be a start. I honestly don't think that they would care. They would just be happy. I would just be happy. If my son came back home, no matter what, I'd just be happy. I know I'm talking out of my ass right now but I don't think you want to add "Making good with my mom" to the list of things you missed out on because you overthought shit. It would change at least 3 lifes completely just like that. I know how hard it is to talk to my dad and I didn't hide from him for 10 years but if you did do that that would be amazing.
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2016-01-05 at 1:54 PM UTCIt would also give you a crazy rush like a bungeejump.
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2016-01-05 at 4 PM UTCYep Malice is beyond hope. Think too much bro. Obsessive as fuck.. and we give him a microphone to wax pathetic.
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2016-01-05 at 7:17 PM UTC
"What would I tell them? That I was severely mentally unwell and destroyed myself? That I don't think I can ever be a real son to them?" That would be a start. I honestly don't think that they would care. They would just be happy. I would just be happy. If my son came back home, no matter what, I'd just be happy. I know I'm talking out of my ass right now but I don't think you want to add "Making good with my mom" to the list of things you missed out on because you overthought shit. It would change at least 3 lifes completely just like that. I know how hard it is to talk to my dad and I didn't hide from him for 10 years but if you did do that that would be amazing.
This^
Or at least go make some friends. Outside. -
2016-01-05 at 11:16 PM UTC
That feel when social bonds are intact enough to get weed whenever I want, to smoke up with my old best friend from middle school, to have someone loan me 100 dollars if I'm in a bind, to call someone up to help me fuck someone up and someone to drink with whenever .
6 friends irl and best friend thru internet feels good
plus I no longer smoke spice, do bundy, do stupid drugs, drink rarely
all I take is amphetamines for anhedonic depression/lack of motivation
so risir next time you want to include me in your rage posts, get your shit together
actually just get up on out of here
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jl17CYYSzUw
