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Fuck all of you
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2015-12-30 at 7:55 AM UTCHarvard just dropped the results of a 75 year study about happiness and I was right all the time. Look it up yourself, I can't post links right now. Basically it's not about wealth or status, the shit everyone kills for, no, it's your social bonds. Haha... Who would have thought that, huh? Malice, write your mom a letter. Do it. You can still fix your life and it's real easy. You just need a hug. It's literally that simple.
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2015-12-30 at 7:59 AM UTCOh yea, fuck you all for ignoring me. Fuck you. That's why you're so miserable. You're all worried about the dumbest shit. Fucking dysfunctional retards. Get a fucking grip. Sploo and Roshambo, look at them, no social bonds at all... tzzzz.. of course they are pure shit.
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2015-12-30 at 11:02 AM UTCEXACTLY WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT. Socialize with me goddammit. I'm watching a documentary about Japanese biker gangs. They are hardcore assholes. Fuck them, too.
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2015-12-30 at 11:19 AM UTCDude, I totally figured it out. Look through the links and comments, the LSD writing may interest you if you're in the mood for something melancholy and depressing: https://www.reddit.com/r/Nootropics/..._neurological/
https://www.reddit.com/r/Psychonaut/...epression_and/
I really try not to think about what I did to my parents at this point, I already spent countless instances crying about it while in the rumination period of severe depression last year. I wrote about it in the second link, but I finally understood, I understood what I had been unable to experience before, what had been missing in my life, why the world never felt right.
It's a really fucked up situation to be in. Can you imagine how that would haunt you? After the shroom trip that started my depressive spiral, which was actually mild, where I was ruminating on my life. I don't blame it for this, it only brought forth what was beneath the surface, made me realize and accept how unhappy I was, that I would never be happy like this. The shock of just touching that immense abyss gave me depersonalization, for a period I really was just imitating life, doing things robotically. 10 years of self-imposed isolation, coming to realize the reality of everything, just how bad the state your life is in, what could have been, all the people you hurt, the things you missed out on, the questions you can't find good answers to, knowing you'll never fully recover and will have to try to make up for this for the rest of your life, have the potential you could have had, still wondering whether you even want to be a part of this godforsaken world, fulfill the needs of the species you were born into with no choice, everything you dislike about life and human nature, other people, the flaws of life, limits of communication, questions of what it all amounts to, the futility of such a limited and finite life, the nature or reality, of consciousness and the continuity of it, the sense of self, a fixation on coming to terms with death like a person who's in the end of life stages. It all has to come crashing down eventually.
If you missed my posts in TRT, I'm actually meeting with a psychiatrist in about a month and plan to be put into intensive rehabilitation/therapy, with the most powerful antidepressants available. Nardil (wonder drug, posted some info in the comments of the first link), NSI-189, valproic acid (restores neuroplasticity to a juvenile state). It's a brilliant combination to greatly accelerate recovery. I don't think I'm too far gone. I still had emotions at some point in my life, was able to socialize. I even felt love, or at least infatuation, for a period of a month. I later decided they weren't the right person for me, and I wasn't in a state where I could really have had a relationship anyway.
I was a mess, and it would have been awkward for some time, but I wonder how different things would have been if xannex hadn't canceled the road trip idea after I posted my plans to hitchhike across the US, as a test for myself. I'm not sure if I would have gone through with it if it had been for her. I was too far along into my plan to quit when she cancelled, and I think I just lost my main motivation for the idea, any sense of purpose. I really enjoyed talking to her, she was the only person I felt I could really relate to, found interesting, enjoyed to talking to; at the time it was genuinely platonic. Even afterward we stayed e-friends, she confided in me, once told me I was the only who really understood her, a member named Virus told me he was tired of her complaining to him about me, that I had ruined the only chance for a relationship I could have had. Another user, an older woman (early 30s, xannex was early-mid 20s) who was roommates with her for a period when she moved to Florida seemed to think there was more to our relationship than I thought there was. I'm not sure how she may have felt about me, but I was really a terrible a friend. I think I just felt repeatedly abandoned, had become jaded over the years, unable or unwilling, immensely resistant to opening my heart to anyone. Why did I push everyone away and make myself needlessly suffer? I ended up hurting myself most of all. Beneath everything I ended just being someone who was left feeling very alone, empty, disillusioned, alienated, wounded and damaged, with a broken heart.
I was wrong. I couldn't live without other people. Life wasn't worth living without them. I'm going to regret this for the rest of my life. I'll never get those years of my life back. -
2015-12-30 at 1:48 PM UTCSome niggas spend 10 years in prison on a plea deal. That's kinda how I look at it y'know. The misery you put your self in can be worth something but you have to get over it first. I'm really happy that you were able to take that first step. Amazing. I know how hard it is and you did it on your own. Respect. Now get some other people, joy and love in your life and I'll be real proud of you.
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2015-12-30 at 1:50 PM UTCYou are basically an extreme version of me so I really hope there's a happy end in this story, y'know.
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2015-12-30 at 7:14 PM UTC
Dude, I totally figured it out. Look through the links and comments, the LSD writing may interest you if you're in the mood for something melancholy and depressing: https://www.reddit.com/r/Nootropics/..._neurological/
https://www.reddit.com/r/Psychonaut/...epression_and/
I really try not to think about what I did to my parents at this point, I already spent countless instances crying about it while in the rumination period of severe depression last year. I wrote about it in the second link, but I finally understood, I understood what I had been unable to experience before, what had been missing in my life, why the world never felt right.
It's a really fucked up situation to be in. Can you imagine how that would haunt you? After the shroom trip that started my depressive spiral, which was actually mild, where I was ruminating on my life. I don't blame it for this, it only brought forth what was beneath the surface, made me realize and accept how unhappy I was, that I would never be happy like this. The shock of just touching that immense abyss gave me depersonalization, for a period I really was just imitating life, doing things robotically. 10 years of self-imposed isolation, coming to realize the reality of everything, just how bad the state your life is in, what could have been, all the people you hurt, the things you missed out on, the questions you can't find good answers to, knowing you'll never fully recover and will have to try to make up for this for the rest of your life, have the potential you could have had, still wondering whether you even want to be a part of this godforsaken world, fulfill the needs of the species you were born into with no choice, everything you dislike about life and human nature, other people, the flaws of life, limits of communication, questions of what it all amounts to, the futility of such a limited and finite life, the nature or reality, of consciousness and the continuity of it, the sense of self, a fixation on coming to terms with death like a person who's in the end of life stages. It all has to come crashing down eventually.
If you missed my posts in TRT, I'm actually meeting with a psychiatrist in about a month and plan to be put into intensive rehabilitation/therapy, with the most powerful antidepressants available. Nardil (wonder drug, posted some info in the comments of the first link), NSI-189, valproic acid (restores neuroplasticity to a juvenile state). It's a brilliant combination to greatly accelerate recovery. I don't think I'm too far gone. I still had emotions at some point in my life, was able to socialize. I even felt love, or at least infatuation, for a period of a month. I later decided they weren't the right person for me, and I wasn't in a state where I could really have had a relationship anyway.
I was a mess, and it would have been awkward for some time, but I wonder how different things would have been if xannex hadn't canceled the road trip idea after I posted my plans to hitchhike across the US, as a test for myself. I'm not sure if I would have gone through with it if it had been for her. I was too far along into my plan to quit when she cancelled, and I think I just lost my main motivation for the idea, any sense of purpose. I really enjoyed talking to her, she was the only person I felt I could really relate to, found interesting, enjoyed to talking to; at the time it was genuinely platonic. Even afterward we stayed e-friends, she confided in me, once told me I was the only who really understood her, a member named Virus told me he was tired of her complaining to him about me, that I had ruined the only chance for a relationship I could have had. Another user, an older woman (early 30s, xannex was early-mid 20s) who was roommates with her for a period when she moved to Florida seemed to think there was more to our relationship than I thought there was. I'm not sure how she may have felt about me, but I was really a terrible a friend. I think I just felt repeatedly abandoned, had become jaded over the years, unable or unwilling, immensely resistant to opening my heart to anyone. Why did I push everyone away and make myself needlessly suffer? I ended up hurting myself most of all. Beneath everything I ended just being someone who was left feeling very alone, empty, disillusioned, alienated, wounded and damaged, with a broken heart.
I was wrong. I couldn't live without other people. Life wasn't worth living without them. I'm going to regret this for the rest of my life. I'll never get those years of my life back.
>tfw no gf
It's a rough feel. -
2015-12-30 at 11:05 PM UTCThat feel when social bonds are intact enough to get weed whenever I want, to smoke up with my old best friend from middle school, to have someone loan me 100 dollars if I'm in a bind, to call someone up to help me fuck someone up and someone to drink with whenever .
6 friends irl and best friend thru internet feels good
plus I no longer smoke spice, do bundy, do stupid drugs, drink rarely
all I take is amphetamines for anhedonic depression/lack of motivation
so risir next time you want to include me in your rage posts, get your shit together
actually just get up on out of here -
2015-12-30 at 11:19 PM UTCWasn't a rage post at all. I'm actually happy that you got your shit together. I bet the social bonds helped a lot with it, right?
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2015-12-30 at 11:34 PM UTCTo an extent. Not much.
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2015-12-30 at 11:36 PM UTCThough I'm glad that you consider me your best friend but it makes sense after everything I have done for you. You're welcome.
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2015-12-31 at 12:19 AM UTCSensitive little faggot.
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2015-12-31 at 1:33 AM UTCYou're funny
well, I bet you'd be if I could feel emotions.
Actually scratch that.
If I could feel emotions I'd pity you. -
2015-12-31 at 2:49 AM UTC
If I could feel emotions
Don't cut yourself on that edge breh. -
2015-12-31 at 5:59 AM UTC
Dude, I totally figured it out. Look through the links and comments, the LSD writing may interest you if you're in the mood for something melancholy and depressing: https://www.reddit.com/r/Nootropics/..._neurological/
https://www.reddit.com/r/Psychonaut/...epression_and/
…
I was wrong. I couldn't live without other people. Life wasn't worth living without them. I'm going to regret this for the rest of my life. I'll never get those years of my life back.
Sorry dude, I hope you're okay. Admittedly, I don't know the background of your story, but I read a bit from your second link. I'm lonely as fuck too, and it scares me that as I get older that's not going to change. I hope you are able to forge those social bonds you seek. I hope I can too. -
2015-12-31 at 9:04 AM UTC
Oh yea, fuck you all for ignoring me. Fuck you. That's why you're so miserable. You're all worried about the dumbest shit. Fucking dysfunctional retards. Get a fucking grip. Sploo and Roshambo, look at them, no social bonds at all… tzzzz.. of course they are pure shit.
Good work on those social bonds m8. Bet you're socially bound as fuck right now.Sorry dude, I hope you're okay. Admittedly, I don't know the background of your story, but I read a bit from your second link. I'm lonely as fuck too, and it scares me that as I get older that's not going to change. I hope you are able to forge those social bonds you seek. I hope I can too.
How old are you now? -
2015-12-31 at 9:47 AM UTC
Some niggas spend 10 years in prison on a plea deal. That's kinda how I look at it y'know. The misery you put your self in can be worth something but you have to get over it first. I'm really happy that you were able to take that first step. Amazing. I know how hard it is and you did it on your own. Respect. Now get some other people, joy and love in your life and I'll be real proud of you.
Wrote out a response, but lost it by accidentally closing the tab.
This is different. At least those people had lives before their sentence, even if they were terrible, filled with problems and bad people, they weren't empty and hollow, devoid of relationships. They've done research on monkeys raised in isolation. without mothers. and how it fucks them up, permanently. I am an absolute psychological trainwreck. The last 12 years have been devoid of meaningful human experience, friendships, human warmth, any sense of intimacy or love. I've come to accept that it really fucked me up. There were so many things that contributed to it. I absolutely destroyed myself. And it occurred during such a critical period of development. Who knows what it's done to my brain, how much I can realistically recover. You definitely don't come away from something like this without developing abnormally. Fortunately I did have some friendships, social experience, before that, even if it was shallow and simplistic, before the time relationships gained any real depth. I still remember playing tag in 5th grade, when people just sort of drifted together. I was never social to begin with, predisposed to being melancholy, I remember being alone a lot of the time even as a child. Something in the regions of the brain involved in social behavior must have been profoundly abnormal or malfunctioning. Even then, I never did anything with people outside of school. I never learned to really connect with people, how to make friends, have/maintain relationships, how to love, feel open around other people. I missed out on everything that required other people. I did not understand what an incredible amount of damage I was doing to myself, I did not understand the value and importance of human relationships, for developing properly, flourishing in life.
Even if they seem small, just think about how it molds, develops you as a person. All those countless instances throughout life, all the variations of human experience, the countless hours, day after day, year after year. I missed out on every single one of them, my past is a black hole.
It all seemed mundane, inadequate, not what I wanted. I made myself alone, I isolated and ostracized myself, I refused to reciprocate, closed myself off, to anyone who tried to become friends with me, any girls that showed interest to me, and there were many, many who were attractive, intelligent enough. It wasn't for the usual reasons, abuse, or some traumatic event, blanket statements about people being untrustworthy or bad, feeling suspicious of their motives, paranoia. Part of the problem with intelligence as that it can just make it easier to find a way to convince yourself of things, to dig yourself deeper and deeper into an ideological hole. I just had the most negative mentality possible, I abstracted, deconstructed, and overanalyzed everything into oblivion. Picked everything apart, searched out the flaws, fixated on negativity, consumed by hatred and disillusionment, drained all the meaning and wonder from life. Much of this is just the outcome of spending your entire life inside your own head.
I think I calculated that I averaged less than 10 words a day. I generally did not speak unless necessary, to anyone, even my own family. We really became like strangers living under the same roof, and they noticed as well. I did not engage in small talk, I don't use a strict definition of friend, there weren't even acquaintances, we weren't close with family. You have to understand, this is really the truth: There was nothing, no one, there. From when this began until now.
It wasn't like going to prison, it was like putting yourself in self-imposed solitary confinement. There's a reason some argue it's a human rights violation, at least if used excessively, long-term. There's research about how disastrous, harmful, the effects are. This is why it's used as punishment, as a last resort for the worst offenders.
It was never learning to love that I regret the most and ended up doing the most damage. I literally turned down, flat out ignored or shunned, every opportunity. I was driven by some sort of madness. Why did I do this to myself? Why did I have such a problem with accepting other people? I thought I knew, now I'm not even sure. I'll probably be asking myself that for the rest of my life.
Wrote more about it here, actually: http://niggasin.space/forum/better-living-through-chemistry/67-the-retarded-thread-fuck-§m£ÂgØL-made-one-first-edition?p=51103#post51103
I just did everything wrong, had the worst predispositions and behaviors, for achieving happiness, flourishing/properly developing as a person, attaining a sense of fulfillment:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Happiness-Hypothesis-Finding-Ancient/dp/0465028020
http://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Guide-Developing-Lifes-Important/dp/0316167258
Unfortunately I'm not exaggerating. Unsurprisingly, giving realistic answers, I score near the maximum on symptoms of depression, minimum for fulfillment/satisfaction with life/flourishing and lasting/general happiness. If you read about positive psychology, what creates lasting happiness, I literally did the exact opposite and I was completely rigid and unflexible until the breaking point. Just talking about symptoms I've experienced, things I've noticed about myself, would take an excessive amount of time.
You have no idea just how deep this rabbit hole goes. -
2015-12-31 at 10:21 AM UTC
You're funny
"If I could feel emotions I'd cry like a bitch, wha whaaa wha"
well, I bet you'd be if I could feel emotions.
Actually scratch that.
If I could feel emotions I'd pity you.
Sorry buddy, I didn't want to piss you off but you were a pretty good example for a fucked up social outcast, no offense. I'm really you're doing better now and I hope you'll figure shit out that works for you. -
2015-12-31 at 10:27 AM UTC
Good work on those social bonds m8. Bet you're socially bound as fuck right now.
Not really, I'm trying, though. It's a double edged sword because I really don't like most people and I took some people for granted which reject me now so that sucks, too. I'm trying, though. Friendships aren't as easy going as I thought. Sometimes. -
2015-12-31 at 10:38 AM UTCYou might be right, Malice. You've probably messed yourself up. I can't argue with that but I don't think I have to. You know what's up. I know, that you know more than you can communicate. I wish I could give some advice but I don't have anything, lol.
Do you think there's the possibility of a happy end to your story? Don't be dramatic, though.
