Good morning everyone. It has been a long weekend for me. I think this all started off with my drinking. Which led to me getting drunk everyday 2 weekends ago. Smoking pot last week and drinking Friday and Saturday and smoking more pot all damn weekend. Well here I sit on the morning of the 29th of May. I am falling behind on the goals I make for myself. I have jeopardized everything. This is not who I want to be or how I want to live. I tried to play it off as though I was only getting high and drunk so I didn't have to remember how I felt last year at this time. I just... I can not handle this right now. Some of the shit that I would say or do online is spilling into my personal life. And now I am in fear of myself and what I might do next unless I am able to control this evil bitch whom I refer to as "Emily" How bad are my delusions? I never know I am having them until after they are over usually. What if I am just continually becoming more and more delusional and I am only recognizing 1 delusion while still trapped in another? My isolation is beginning to take a toll on myself. I am not talking about my feelings. I quit going to meetings over a month ago. I fear I may be relapsing. I have no choice but to try something new. My recovery comes 1st before all else so I have to take a break and figure out some shit. It is a really hard to fight when the thing you have to fight is inside you and constantly waiting for a moment of weakness to attack. One thing that is deeply troubling is my recently feelings of hatred. They seem to only build when I get into it with people now. My conflict resolution skills have de-volved into me purposely trying to push it over the edge. I really knew something was wrong when I put on pants Thursday last week and worked in them for 3 days and slept in them, never taking them off until yesterday (Monday). Then going to the store to buy new pants and getting anxiety about looking at pants and not buying any. I know I talk a pretty big game. But right now I am not playing that game so good. I might be dying. Hell if I know. I need to make doctors appointments because I sure as shit do not feel good and a 28 year old man shouldn't wake up everyday feeling the urge to puke this many fucking times through out the day including now .... I just puked again. I do not know if it is waking up constantly haunted by the fact I am able-bodied, or maybe its just guilt for my past. Something has me sick on my insides. I am pretty sure everyone at work thinks I am a fucking retard. And I am pretty sure they think I am a faggot in disguise. The shit I do to myself astounds me. But that is not important to me now. What is important is finding a way to get better or unshackling myself from this world and floating off into the universe. I hate my fucking life! ^said out-loud for the 10th time this morning. Just another reason I have to do something. My subconscious is taking control of my vocal chords and yelling shit for me to hear.\ But do I really hate my life? I do not think I do. I think I have been really turning it around these last couple of months and I am proud of myself. But I have to be trying to tell myself something because I am yelling and no one is here. My life is still manageable but I am doing a shitty job of managing it. I want to say that I have done better and I have but its still no better than I ever did and I have to go to a whole new level of better if I ever hope to actually be better. I can say that for the first time in many many years I am not regularly thinking of committing suicide so I am happy about that but last night I was thinking about checking into a psych ward for being what I would call "an idiot". I am not going to let this get any worse. Today I am going to move into a state of change where I am going to be actually doing something about some of what keeps bothering me. I will not give up. I hope none of you ever give up. We all deserve to be happy. I will be here if anyone ever needs to just talk. fona-fone (937) 522-1751 but for right now I will not be posting. At the present time I do intend to return but only after I am able to straighten out some personal issues that I am having. I love you guys very much. I thank you all for being a part of my life. And to those of you who I have hurt along the way, I am sorry. You are part of why I am doing this because I do not want to hurt any of you or myself anymore. So with great pride I will finish this post, crank my stereo and go lace up my boots. I got shit to do.
If you need a shoulder to cry on...find someone else. Fuck dude man up and keep smiling through all the depressing shit life throws at you OR give up keep smiling and just become a worthless degenerate
You buy US all here at NIS a good ol house where we can get drunk and high 24/7 til we're all dead.
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