Operating in my capacity as an officer of the court, I have determined that issuing the initial subpoenas via public announcement is the most appropriate and expeditious way to begin proceedings. Each of them has been filed through the NIS 5th circuit court, where we shall officially condemn libelous claims and defamation aimed at the plaintiff, and interruption of commerce, for which we will be seeking compensatory damages. The offending statements have been documented in spoilers beneath each defendant's name.
I expect all of you will have responded to this round of subpoenas within five business days, or I will request that the judge (a personal friend of mine) hold you in contempt and fine you $500 for each day of noncompliance. Your court date will be Saturday, May 12. Please arrive at 8 AM CST.
The following users are implicated in this summons:LegalizeSpiritualDiscovery: You made more false accusations against my client than everybody else combined, and you fabricated statements to damage his business relationships. I’m not sure we can even accept a settlement, given the circumstances. Destroying you will serve as a message to libelous anarchists the world over.
mmQ: You falsely propagated the rumor that my client is guilty of a crime for which he has never been charged, and additionally, you tried to sweep it under the rug. This is significant, and you need a lawyer.
Note: You can’t file motions as a defendant, mmQ. I can’t charge you for it myself, but one hint of resistance and I’ll be calling in a favor with the DA’s office to hit you for obstruction. Are you prepared for a long and costly legal battle? Or would you prefer to settle, and put this to rest now? I promise that you won’t win if this goes to trial. I’d choose the less painful option if I were in your position.
ohfralala: You presumed my client’s guilt, and you published a statement circulating a series of vicious rumors on a message board, facilitating a conspiracy against my client and permanently damaging his reputation. I’m going to see to it that you pay dearly.
POLECAT: I don’t think there’s legal precedence for what you’ve done, but it is so wrong and utterly opposed to justice and human nature that I foresee new case law in the making after we’re done murdering you on the stand.
HTS: You fabricated two statements from my client and published them on a message board to assassinate his moral character.
Nil: You published a fictional account of my client’s life that ultimately assisted in the circulation of malicious lies about his business practices.
Lanny: In your case, this can be as simple as providing a witness testimony. You don’t have to come into court
necessarily, as long as you cooperate and demonstrate remorse and provide me with the IP addresses of users named in this motion as well as a sufficient plan to penalize them as forum administrator with suitable penalties to be approved by my firm. Failure to comply will earn you contempt and a fine, and we furthermore, we will expect to see you in court at the scheduled time.
HampTheToker: Issued upon user request. Since you seem to enjoy litigation from any side, please consider our firm for representation in the future.
