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I just realized something...
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2016-01-12 at 4:40 AM UTCI'M the weird neighbor.
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2016-01-12 at 6:13 AM UTCI know that feel. Children peeking through your screen door, knocking on your door and running away (one time about 7 times in a row), running away when they see you coming, hearing one of them gasp in fear when you're adjusting your yagi antenna outside your window and they see your face, overhearing them say they think you're crazy due to how bizarre your behavior is, how they've noticed you hardly ever go outside, speak, have almost never said a word to them despite living there for years, how off/insane you look, the impression your demeanor and personal quirks, movement pattern and facial expression, give, overhearing them ask their kid in an angry voice whether they've been playing in the area outside your front door, noticing they stopped doing so and having relatives over after you freaked out on DMT and started screaming because you were disoriented and thought you had fallen onto the hot plate and burned yourself, which must have been very unnerving since it was pretty much the first thing they'd ever heard from your apartment, other than sounds of daily living like running water and vacuuming, and you noticed that those bastards didn't even check to see if you were OK, but may have quickly left by car, at least the relatives, then you realized what happened and that it had only been about 4-minutes and decided to do quick damage control by putting on a hat to cover your face, knocking on their door, and saying "I fell and hit my head, sorry.", then repeating it, called your landlord and gave her this story, told her to call them and tell them that because they hadn't answered and you think you may have frightened them, then also leaving a note outside their door, the constant window creeping and antenna adjusting they may have noticed from problems caused by cannabis, possibly hearing one of them say to someone on the phone (something like "he has antenna on his window...I think he needs help, can you help him?"), stomping on the floor at times to harass you, possibly from being annoyed by the sound having the water on may make or the heater/vent in the bathroom, or just in response to everything else and not wanting you here anymore, other passive aggressive behavior, possibly stealing your doormat, and who knows what they may have said to the landlord, among each other, the comments, speculations/assumptions, gossip, lies.
At time I had the urge, visualized, just grabbing my AR-15 and opening fire through the roof, poisoning them, killing their children, other methods to get them out, remove them, acquire vengeance. -
2016-01-12 at 6:19 AM UTCI just don't talk to my neighbors, or my co-workers, or anyone really.
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2016-01-12 at 8:32 AM UTC
I just don't talk to my neighbors, or my co-workers, or anyone really.
I wonder how many people here and on TOTSE/Zoklet have/had undiagnosed autism spectrum disorders. Not sure if a thread on Aspeger's was ever made, a test linked to. -
2016-01-12 at 3:38 PM UTC
possibly stealing your doormat, and who knows what they may have said to the landlord, among each other, the comments, speculations/assumptions, gossip, lies.
Hahaha... all those lies about you being crazy.
At time I had the urge, visualized, just grabbing my AR-15 and opening fire through the roof, poisoning them, killing their children, other methods to get them out, remove them, acquire vengeance. -
2016-01-12 at 3:46 PM UTCI'm the weird one too, though. I still try not to look out the window because I'm afraid people believe I creep on them. There are like a million kids in my neighborhood and I don't want to be that weird drug dealer looking dude who never sleeps anxd watches your kids play. That makes it super weird when I look out the window, duck down for a split second when I see someone saw me and then try to act normal. I'm pretty sure it's all just in my head. They have their own lifes with problems and complexes. They probably don't even care or notice me.
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2016-01-12 at 4:02 PM UTCA couple of weeks ago I took a walk at night and found a child-size football so I kicked it around for a while and contemplated if I should steal it but decided that I'm grown up now and if I want a ball I can buy my own so I put it back where I found it. I was pretty proud of myself because I usually do the piece of shit thing to do and I didn't so yea.... Anyway, back when I was at home it hit me like a motherfucker. Why is there a ball laying on the ground in a very obvious spot late at night? It was a crime scene of course. Some kid went out to play ball but got abducted and now my fingerprints are all over the ball. FUCK THAT SHIT. I was so scared. I also smoked pot and syncans the whole time. I didn't go back and get the ball because it was raining. That was a great relief....
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2016-01-12 at 4:05 PM UTCThere was no crime at all, though. I checked everything. Probably just a careless child. Imagine going through life like that. Feeling guilty about made up shit you didn't even do. I wonder what causes this behavior.
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2016-01-13 at 2:38 AM UTC
There was no crime at all, though. I checked everything. Probably just a careless child. Imagine going through life like that. Feeling guilty about made up shit you didn't even do. I wonder what causes this behavior.
Paranoia, anxiety, possibly paranoid schizophrenia.
Excessive/regular cannabinoid use can definitely lead to this, unfortunately. It seems to happen to a lot of people, eventually, veteran users report that it began giving them terrible anxiety, panic attacks, and then they just couldn't use it anymore. It''s really not benign, especially syncans, there's been some very worrisome studies about the effects some have, one I showed to sploo. Daily use isn't a good idea, many people are just in denial, they've been in that state so long they don't realize how much their behavior has changed and what's causing it, and when they stop using it they have a rebound effect, leading them to start again, they might keep using in hopes of chasing the high they used to get, which is now long gone, despite never receiving it anymore, no matter what they try, except maybe on rare occasions, a lucky new batch, which still doesn't last. I thought I was immune to addiction due to strict adherence to rationalism, comparing the state of my life in a period of addiction (think of heroin addicts) to the period before and realizing that the short term pleasures, which at that point aren't anything like they were at first, largely just bringing you back to baseline, which you're knocked way below when in withdrawals/the rebound effect and recovery period, aren't even close to making up for the overall loss in quality of life. The I realized that it wasn't that we necessarily loved the drug, but that we hated sobriety, the inadequacy of the standard consciousness experience (weltschmerz), the emptiness of our lives, the feeling of lacking something, having a hole in our hearts/souls that we were trying to fill, and at least drugs, even dealing with the problems, the ritual, the entire process revolving around them involving acquiring them, reading/research, preparation etc. at least provided some distraction, some break from that, change.
I suppose that once you accept that you need to find what will create lasting/enduring, sustainable happiness, true meaning and fulfillment in your life. Like the thread you made about the Grant Study, which I responded to, about the importance of love and meaningful relationships. I'd also recommend Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life's Most Important Skill and The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom. Then, once you recover and can attain happiness, inner peace, reverse anhedonia and begin to find joy, meaning, pleasure in life, have a healthy foundation, you can continue to improve and develop yourself, try your best to become who you want, the best you you can achieve, and move from there to finding your passion in life, what you want to devote yourself to, something that stimulates and captivates you, gives you meaning and fulfillment.
*sigh* Life takes so much work, and, unfortunately, cannabis really is one of the worst drugs for apathy, for making you okay with being bored and not doing much, anergia. Then there's the feeling that I'd prefer to just sleep forever. That feeling when you wake up, warm and closer to the dream state, and drift peacefully back to sleep. Just never having that end and waking up again, eternal peace. Wanting to stop wanting anything at all.
But, we're here, may as well try to make the most of it. We don't know everything, we're limited flawed biological beings, our ideas about life, our ideologies/philosophies, existential views, could be flawed/incorrect. Just accepting not knowing is the closest thing to hope non-believers may have. As far as we know, death is final, there's nothing after it. You could speculate, state we don't know, but even our idea of things being fundamentally uncertain/unknowable could be wrong, and if you're basing your actions on ultimate uncertainty and futility/meaninglessness, then how are any of your actions, the choice to live and anything you do in life, any less meaningless and uncertain than anything else? Truly embracing it could be absolute freedom, but then again, if you genuinely believed it you could jump off a building and attempt to fly, because, who knows, maybe you could be the first person to do it if you had the courage, strength, and abandon, truly believed and attained a state of feeling total freedom and fearlessness. People don't actually live their lives like this, though, and those that do are almost always severely mentally ill and end up dead. Then you could get into solipsism and thought experiments about the nature of consciousness, the standard "brain in a vat" thought experiment, and question whether your perception could be manufactured, go back to ultimate uncertainty/unknowability, but it never leads to anything, you can just think yourself into an ideological black hole, go into a spiral, like I did.
So if you're going to smoke weed, limit your use, and I'd recommend only using high CBD strains like harlequin or whatever else has been developed. There are also extracts, some of which could be combined with syncans, which is the only way I'd recommend using them (although you'd still be lacking the beneficial effects of terpenes, but I wrote about the possibility of using essential oils/extracts to make up for that), as CBD attenuates many of the negative effects of THC and analogs, has good anti-psychotic and anxiolytic effects. -
2016-01-13 at 3:09 AM UTC
just grabbing my AR-15
You have an AR-15? What could possibly go wrong. -
2016-01-13 at 7:01 AM UTC
You have an AR-15? What could possibly go wrong.
This was years ago and I lost interest, so I don't remember all the details.
Handgun is a CZ-P-01 with good night sights, and the internals may have been modified/optimized, possibly had a trigger job, I can't remember. If I had to redo it, I would go with a Glock 19, unless something better has come out in 9mm for concealed carry.
Optimized the hell out of it. Like a typical aspie, spent countless hours, read thousands of pages, to determine the optimal components for my dream semi-budget build. The optimum between price and performance, every aspect of it. Who knows what may have come out since I completed it, but it's probably about as optimal as you can get, if I went through every part and my reasoning behind it, a gun enthusiast would probably be pretty impressed. It was purely SHTF insurance and ended up never using it, never even going to the range to even sight it (although a good red dot sight and the low recoil make this much less important, although I don't delude myself about the necessity of practice). Anyway, that fact would be pretty embarrassing and make me seem like a total poser, but I was a pure pragmatist, not an enthusiast. I just cared purely about pragmatics and had a variety of interests, I didn't obsess over one subject, but if working on a project, I wanted to perfect it.
Just by looking at the picture, if you're familiar enough with the AR, you can see it's a pretty neat build. Christ, the accessories available. "Like Barbie for men." There are a few more parts I may have wanted, mainly a small lightweight and powerful flashlight, not sure if there's anything else.
My philosophy on self defense just changed. If you're in a situation where you need it to begin with, you fucked up. The risk involved, reality vs. the ideal. For example, if you want a realistic example of what a post-apocalyptic/societal breakdown scenario would be like, read The Road. It's not enjoyable, absolutely bleak, monotonous, depressing, but it's probably one of the most realistic depictions of what it would actually be like. As for combat, you can think of armies and the naive idealized view some people have of the experience vs. the ugly reality. It wouldn't be an existence worth living, I would just move, if possible. There are also much more creative and legal options for self-defense. Completely realistic as well, problem is most people don't actually go through with "crazy ideas" and few are intelligent and knowledgeable enough to come up with ones that would actually work well. The amount of effort and resources required for my ideas would be perfectly realistic and likely much less, much easier, than the process of selecting and acquiring an optimal firearm. There's also the issue of how incredibly loud they are, even with silencers (far from silent, unless you're using something like subsonic 22LRs, although I have a good video on improvised silencers and even standard supersonic could be quieted down to an acceptable level and frequency, like dropping a heavy hardcover book on a wooden table, which could also be covered by some other noise if it was even recognizable as a gunshot or if stealth was required. Deadliness as well, much easier to just incapacitate someone, which could be done about as quickly and effectively as a good gunshot wound.
This could be a good project for you, you have the relevant knowledge and ability. You know how Anders Breivik used pure nicotine in hollow point rounds to increase their deadliness? All you need is penetration and a suitable substance. Even a BB gun could be enough, which you could disguise as something that would draw no attention/suspicion. You could even have something to reverse the effects, prevent them from reaching a deadly level, for example, to counteract the effects of a paralyzant that could stop the heart or breathing, provide a limit/ceiling effect, in which case it could even be combined. If a combination wasn't feasible, nothing suitable was able to be found, you could have two "guns", one brings death/disability, the other life/the cure, which would be pretty neat, especially if you were using them as a criminal.
I could go on and on. Wow, I forgot about this chapter in my life. Just a lifetime spent in contemplation and research, the connections and ideas you can make that no one, or hardly anyone, has before, and even if so, only a fraction of that tiny amount would actually go through with it. What an overwhelming amount of information there is in the world.
Oh, and as to your "what could go wrong" comment, I also thought about that before. I posted that pic years ago on Zoklet and the comments some people made were pretty amusing. I may be able to find the thread on the internet archive. But, the response I had, and I had an idea for a thread I didn't go through with, was that firearms are the least of your concerns. If your goal was to simply kill and injure as many people a possible there are far far more effective methods. If I genuinely wanted to and dedicated myself to it, Law Abiding Citizen style, I could become the greatest mass murderer of all time, thousands, even hundreds of thousands, wouldn't be out of reach. Fortunately I changed my mind on the whole exterminate the human race/take revenge on society/punish those I hate idea.…my heartlessness goes deep and is persistent. My conscience, my pity, my hopes disappeared a long time ago (probably at Harvard) if they ever did exist. There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil, all the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward it, I have now surpassed. I still, though, hold on to one single bleak truth: no one is safe, nothing is redeemed. Yet I am blameless. Each model of human behavior must be assumed to have some validity. Is evil something you are? Or is it something you do? My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone. In fact, I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape.
Christ, I was/am utterly insane, completely out of my mind, evil incarnate, and an absolute ticking time bomb. I had some bad ideas floating around in my head, and who knows whether they may make a return if my depression rescinds, I improve, perfect myself, and become highly functioning. The thought is terrifying, and given that I'm about to begin serious intensive treatment and therapy, it's fully possible. A failed genius (Tested as gifted in 1st grade and was literally scoring in the 99th percentiles on multiple categories, despite multiple disadvantages, before losing interest in middle school due to being bored out of my mind, not having the right environment. Uneducated immigrant parents, felt uninvolved, wasn't really praised or pushed to reach my potential (fucking useless idiots), no enrichment, extracurricular activities, don't think I really had to study, just read and did what I was interested in, was in a regular shitty school that was 100% minorities, never received anything extra, was never challenged, found people I could relate with, came to hate school and feel a deep resentment toward the education system and society in general etc. Who knows what I could have achieved.), grew to genuinely hate the human race, erased ability to feel compassion, empathy, connection with others, found TOTSE and it corrupted/perfected/molded my mind, repeated bad experiences with people, closed self off completely and never experienced or allowed myself to experience love. Continually went down a very dark path. Had to be my own psychiatrist, therapist, and doctor, treat myself and figure things out on my own. Began to halt and reverse damage (extremely promising options available now), although in terms of intellect and other abilities required for success, who knows how much irreversible damage may have been done, how my brain may have developed abnormally or suboptimally during such a critical period. But, if I regain and develop the power I could have had while still having this mindset...
Wow, this...may not end well. -
2016-01-13 at 4:09 PM UTC"Thus spake Zarathustra, and left his cave, glowing and strong, like a morning sun which cometh from dark mountains. --The End."
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2016-01-14 at 1:13 AM UTC
This was years ago and I lost interest, so I don't remember all the details.
Handgun is a CZ-P-01 with good night sights, and the internals may have been modified/optimized, possibly had a trigger job, I can't remember. If I had to redo it, I would go with a Glock 19, unless something better has come out in 9mm for concealed carry.
Optimized the hell out of it. Like a typical aspie, spent countless hours, read thousands of pages, to determine the optimal components for my dream semi-budget build. The optimum between price and performance, every aspect of it. Who knows what may have come out since I completed it, but it's probably about as optimal as you can get, if I went through every part and my reasoning behind it, a gun enthusiast would probably be pretty impressed. It was purely SHTF insurance and ended up never using it, never even going to the range to even sight it (although a good red dot sight and the low recoil make this much less important, although I don't delude myself about the necessity of practice). Anyway, that fact would be pretty embarrassing and make me seem like a total poser, but I was a pure pragmatist, not an enthusiast. I just cared purely about pragmatics and had a variety of interests, I didn't obsess over one subject, but if working on a project, I wanted to perfect it.
Just by looking at the picture, if you're familiar enough with the AR, you can see it's a pretty neat build. Christ, the accessories available. "Like Barbie for men." There are a few more parts I may have wanted, mainly a small lightweight and powerful flashlight, not sure if there's anything else.
My philosophy on self defense just changed. If you're in a situation where you need it to begin with, you fucked up. The risk involved, reality vs. the ideal. For example, if you want a realistic example of what a post-apocalyptic/societal breakdown scenario would be like, read The Road. It's not enjoyable, absolutely bleak, monotonous, depressing, but it's probably one of the most realistic depictions of what it would actually be like. As for combat, you can think of armies and the naive idealized view some people have of the experience vs. the ugly reality. It wouldn't be an existence worth living, I would just move, if possible. There are also much more creative and legal options for self-defense. Completely realistic as well, problem is most people don't actually go through with "crazy ideas" and few are intelligent and knowledgeable enough to come up with ones that would actually work well. The amount of effort and resources required for my ideas would be perfectly realistic and likely much less, much easier, than the process of selecting and acquiring an optimal firearm. There's also the issue of how incredibly loud they are, even with silencers (far from silent, unless you're using something like subsonic 22LRs, although I have a good video on improvised silencers and even standard supersonic could be quieted down to an acceptable level and frequency, like dropping a heavy hardcover book on a wooden table, which could also be covered by some other noise if it was even recognizable as a gunshot or if stealth was required. Deadliness as well, much easier to just incapacitate someone, which could be done about as quickly and effectively as a good gunshot wound.
This could be a good project for you, you have the relevant knowledge and ability. You know how Anders Breivik used pure nicotine in hollow point rounds to increase their deadliness? All you need is penetration and a suitable substance. Even a BB gun could be enough, which you could disguise as something that would draw no attention/suspicion. You could even have something to reverse the effects, prevent them from reaching a deadly level, for example, to counteract the effects of a paralyzant that could stop the heart or breathing, provide a limit/ceiling effect, in which case it could even be combined. If a combination wasn't feasible, nothing suitable was able to be found, you could have two "guns", one brings death/disability, the other life/the cure, which would be pretty neat, especially if you were using them as a criminal.
I could go on and on. Wow, I forgot about this chapter in my life. Just a lifetime spent in contemplation and research, the connections and ideas you can make that no one, or hardly anyone, has before, and even if so, only a fraction of that tiny amount would actually go through with it. What an overwhelming amount of information there is in the world.
Oh, and as to your "what could go wrong" comment, I also thought about that before. I posted that pic years ago on Zoklet and the comments some people made were pretty amusing. I may be able to find the thread on the internet archive. But, the response I had, and I had an idea for a thread I didn't go through with, was that firearms are the least of your concerns. If your goal was to simply kill and injure as many people a possible there are far far more effective methods. If I genuinely wanted to and dedicated myself to it, Law Abiding Citizen style, I could become the greatest mass murderer of all time, thousands, even hundreds of thousands, wouldn't be out of reach. Fortunately I changed my mind on the whole exterminate the human race/take revenge on society/punish those I hate idea.
Christ, I was/am utterly insane, completely out of my mind, evil incarnate, and an absolute ticking time bomb. I had some bad ideas floating around in my head, and who knows whether they may make a return if my depression rescinds, I improve, perfect myself, and become highly functioning. The thought is terrifying, and given that I'm about to begin serious intensive treatment and therapy, it's fully possible. A failed genius (Tested as gifted in 1st grade and was literally scoring in the 99th percentiles on multiple categories, despite multiple disadvantages, before losing interest in middle school due to being bored out of my mind, not having the right environment. Uneducated immigrant parents, felt uninvolved, wasn't really praised or pushed to reach my potential (fucking useless idiots), no enrichment, extracurricular activities, don't think I really had to study, just read and did what I was interested in, was in a regular shitty school that was 100% minorities, never received anything extra, was never challenged, found people I could relate with, came to hate school and feel a deep resentment toward the education system and society in general etc. Who knows what I could have achieved.), grew to genuinely hate the human race, erased ability to feel compassion, empathy, connection with others, found TOTSE and it corrupted/perfected/molded my mind, repeated bad experiences with people, closed self off completely and never experienced or allowed myself to experience love. Continually went down a very dark path. Had to be my own psychiatrist, therapist, and doctor, treat myself and figure things out on my own. Began to halt and reverse damage (extremely promising options available now), although in terms of intellect and other abilities required for success, who knows how much irreversible damage may have been done, how my brain may have developed abnormally or suboptimally during such a critical period. But, if I regain and develop the power I could have had while still having this mindset…
Wow, this…may not end well.
Oh you! I read that all FYI, your posts are never really boring. Also, protip Malice, insane people don't realize they're insane. Nice guns though, pretty jelly. -
2016-01-14 at 1:44 PM UTC
This was years ago and I lost interest, so I don't remember all the details.
Handgun is a CZ-P-01 with good night sights, and the internals may have been modified/optimized, possibly had a trigger job, I can't remember. If I had to redo it, I would go with a Glock 19, unless something better has come out in 9mm for concealed carry.
>not .300 blackout
Seriously though, I love guns. If I ever come to 'murika please let me come to your place and field strip/clean your guns. Fuck I want to feel the smooth machined parts in my hand, lugs riding in grooves as I pull the slide off that CZ and remove its recoil spring... mmm... I want to examine the inner workings... in such great detail. I could potentially orgasm from this.
PS: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08kSncpUnUo -
2016-01-14 at 2:08 PM UTCWhere are you from, mate?
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2016-01-14 at 5:15 PM UTCMost of the people in my neighborhood cross the street when they're walking in front of my house. Some chink does it every morning so I intentionally say hello to her but she ignores me regardless
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2016-01-14 at 7:22 PM UTCMaybe she understands you better when you say "Herro herro" and bow down with your hands together.
