User Controls
The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDS
-
2017-08-08 at 11:54 AM UTCYou will never achieve anything, Malice and once you try I'll make sure to ruin every attempt.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
-
2017-08-08 at 11:56 AM UTC
-
2017-08-08 at 1:09 PM UTC
-
2017-08-08 at 3:07 PM UTCI got every picture and video you ever uploaded + screenshots of posts you made about your sister and screenshots of the crossposts you made with your Bukujutsu account on Reddit. Same username as on Youtube.
Don't worry about doing something to become school enemy #1. I got you, brah. -
2017-08-08 at 3:07 PM UTCI remembered I have an arsenal of pseudoephedrine. I am saved. I also have cheese sticks.
-
2017-08-08 at 3:55 PM UTCWhy are you so angry RisiR?
Oh, wait, I can think of multiple reasons why that might be and why I'd deserve it. During a prolonged part of my 3 year depression, after fully grasping the evolutionary nature of depression and why I distinctly and consistently noticed such clear shifts, I thought that if I was destined to become a monster when happy and well functioning, increasingly monstrous the better I became, that I should just commit suicide for the sake of everyone, the world. I meant it too, I was seriously planning it.
I should at least try to heal, even after so long. 14 years without social relationships, entirely renouncing love and entombing my heart. It's bound to fuck you up. And all the thoughts that have occurred, how my worldview has developed, everything I've learned. I don't know if I'll ever be able to. What an alien and fucked up existence. Completely closed off, potentially never able to feel what others do. Of course it altered me profoundly, did immense damage to my humanity.
If it makes a difference, I'm seeing more evidence that I may actually be mildly bipolar. It seems strong constant irritability and anger may arise during the depressive period, which I need to learn to control.
Part of the reason I'm going to order some ketamine. Oh, wait, there was a post today on r/DarknetMarkets that convinced me to avoid Dream market. Well, fuck. I was delaying it because I couldn't find any good US vendors, or the price was unsatisfactory.
https://www.reddit.com/r/DarkNetMarkets/comments/6s8nnv/can_we_get_a_list_of_actual_markets_that_wont/?st=j634hswg&sh=fbfb604e
Are there seriously no good fucking markets left at this point? Fuck!
Well, at least I have a pretty good amount of kava extract coming in. 250g should last me a good amount of time.
Guess what? Finally got around to ordering benzos. 1g clonazolam and 250mg diclazepam to trial.
The GABAergics should calm me down. Oh, and I'm meeting with my psychiatrist today in SF, so I'll stop by two dispensaries as well. I can't remember the last time I got high. It's been a pretty long break after I ran out. Really haven't had much of a desire to use until I entered this down phase where I persistently felt highly irritable and angry, easily angered to a high degree and remaining in that state for a prolonged period. Of course weed will help.
*sigh* I feel pretty depressed. I'm not sure if it's prolonged sleep deprivation, which can be caused by the manic phase, or just being irresponsible along with busy from school prep and getting a lot of things done, multiple projects, which I'm almost done with.
I can't fucking believe it, on top of all the problems I have I may be bipolar as well, like my fellow autists PoC and Hydro. IIRC it may be greatly overrepresented among us. It makes perfect sense, why in the past I've repeatedly and consistently gone through periods, generally 3-5 days IIRC, where I just shut down and become incredibly dysfunctional, stop meeting basic needs, even showering and eating, just stay in bed excessively and don't really get much done, go outside. At least if ketamine works I can gain the benefits of the manic cycle while preventing the depressive. That would be amazing, give me so much potential. I have boundless energy, creativity, cognitive skills, during the manic phase, which is longer than the depressive.
The Nardil and NSI-189 can mask the depressive cycle, make it harder to realize I'm in it. HIIT + sublingual freebase NSI has an amazing effect. -
2017-08-08 at 4:07 PM UTCOh, I nearly forgot RisiR, I was going to PM you this. It's extremely important/beneficial for weightlifting and running, a massive impact that few know about. I have a good amount of this arriving soon as well. Can't wait to see what it does when stacked with NSI and HIIT.
The effects of phosphatidylserine on endocrine response to moderate intensity exercise
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2503954/pdf/1550-2783-5-11.pdfResults: Mean peak cortisol concentrations and area under the curve (AUC) were lower following
PS (39 ± 1% and 35 ± 0%, respectively) when compared to placebo (p < 0.05). PS increased AUC
for testosterone to cortisol ratio (184 ± 5%) when compared to placebo (p < 0.05). PS and placebo
supplementation had no effect on lactate or growth hormone levels.
Conclusion: The findings suggest that PS is an effective supplement for combating exercise induced
stress and preventing the physiological deterioration that can accompany too much
exercise. PS supplementation promotes a desired hormonal status for athletes by blunting
increases in cortisol levels.
It was in this incredibly extensive post, which has more info about PS: https://www.reddit.com/r/Nootropics/comments/3nsni2/piracetam_i_just_cant_say_goodbye_but_probably/cwe769w/?st=j5wgao4q&sh=5038d357
Aside from that, here's what I'm getting from the dispensaries:
1/2 Swiss Sue (1.5% THC 14% CBD)
1g Wedding Cake shatter (pretty excited about trying it after a long break)
https://www.leafly.com/hybrid/wedding-cake
1g Platinum Bubba wax
https://www.leafly.com/indica/platinum-bubba-kush
1/4 Do-si-Dos
https://www.leafly.com/indica/do-si-dos
1/8 OG Kush
Mmm, mmm, mmm. Aww yeah, and I already made food, I can be lazy as fuck. This will be fun. Oh wait, no, damn, I'm going to have to wait until tomorrow night. -
2017-08-08 at 4:47 PM UTCGeez, Malice. So many of your posts I start out reading, then I finish the second paragraph, scroll down a bit, realize how insanely long it is, and say fuck dat.
-
2017-08-08 at 5:14 PM UTCI wonder what ever happened to Rizzo.
-
2017-08-08 at 5:21 PM UTC
Originally posted by hydromorphone My problem is not from not having found the right one, I KNOW I am the wrong one. I do know I am loved, but I don't deserve it, and don't know why I have been given so much love. All I o is hurt the people I love the most… I always have, I always will, and I hate myself for that.
Close my eyes and remember the last time someone made me feel loved… literally moments ago, while talking with 1337, and earlier today with PoC. I know, right now in my life I have two men who love me very much, very deeply, in very meaningful ways, not to mention my son who loves me. I'm really lucky in that I currently have so much love, friendship, and compassion from these people who are important to me, and all my life I was blessed with those who genuinely loved me and showered me with attention and affection.
I struggle I don't deserve that and end up always hurting those who do so much to show me all this love… I don't want to hurt those who love me… but I always do.
+1 sammiches are cool.
Originally posted by Piles of Crack I feel like I just shed a 500 lb weight cutting things off with hydro.
T, if you're reading this, I'm sorry I didn't heed your warnings.
"Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it." -George Santayana -
2017-08-08 at 5:33 PM UTC
Originally posted by Captain Falcon No need, he'll ruin it for himself. He is highly incomplete.
The other day my wife and I got made fun of at the mall by a group of teenagers who called my wife a teen mom (she's 31)She laughed and didnt say anything to them, and asked me why I didnt either. I told her the same thing you said, that people like that dont need you to do anything. they ruin their own lives.
also it was a helluva compliment -
2017-08-08 at 8:16 PM UTCHey, if your wife is that young looking, I say it's a good thing. They were probably just jealous and engaging in machismo.
-
2017-08-08 at 8:21 PM UTC
-
2017-08-08 at 8:24 PM UTC
Originally posted by Malice Why are you so angry RisiR?
Oh, wait, I can think of multiple reasons why that might be and why I'd deserve it. During a prolonged part of my 3 year depression, after fully grasping the evolutionary nature of depression and why I distinctly and consistently noticed such clear shifts, I thought that if I was destined to become a monster when happy and well functioning, increasingly monstrous the better I became, that I should just commit suicide for the sake of everyone, the world. I meant it too, I was seriously planning it.
I should at least try to heal, even after so long. 14 years without social relationships, entirely renouncing love and entombing my heart. It's bound to fuck you up. And all the thoughts that have occurred, how my worldview has developed, everything I've learned. I don't know if I'll ever be able to. What an alien and fucked up existence. Completely closed off, potentially never able to feel what others do. Of course it altered me profoundly, did immense damage to my humanity.
If it makes a difference, I'm seeing more evidence that I may actually be mildly bipolar. It seems strong constant irritability and anger may arise during the depressive period, which I need to learn to control.
Part of the reason I'm going to order some ketamine. Oh, wait, there was a post today on r/DarknetMarkets that convinced me to avoid Dream market. Well, fuck. I was delaying it because I couldn't find any good US vendors, or the price was unsatisfactory.
https://www.reddit.com/r/DarkNetMarkets/comments/6s8nnv/can_we_get_a_list_of_actual_markets_that_wont/?st=j634hswg&sh=fbfb604e
Are there seriously no good fucking markets left at this point? Fuck!
Well, at least I have a pretty good amount of kava extract coming in. 250g should last me a good amount of time.
Guess what? Finally got around to ordering benzos. 1g clonazolam and 250mg diclazepam to trial.
The GABAergics should calm me down. Oh, and I'm meeting with my psychiatrist today in SF, so I'll stop by two dispensaries as well. I can't remember the last time I got high. It's been a pretty long break after I ran out. Really haven't had much of a desire to use until I entered this down phase where I persistently felt highly irritable and angry, easily angered to a high degree and remaining in that state for a prolonged period. Of course weed will help.
*sigh* I feel pretty depressed. I'm not sure if it's prolonged sleep deprivation, which can be caused by the manic phase, or just being irresponsible along with busy from school prep and getting a lot of things done, multiple projects, which I'm almost done with.
I can't fucking believe it, on top of all the problems I have I may be bipolar as well, like my fellow autists PoC and Hydro. IIRC it may be greatly overrepresented among us. It makes perfect sense, why in the past I've repeatedly and consistently gone through periods, generally 3-5 days IIRC, where I just shut down and become incredibly dysfunctional, stop meeting basic needs, even showering and eating, just stay in bed excessively and don't really get much done, go outside. At least if ketamine works I can gain the benefits of the manic cycle while preventing the depressive. That would be amazing, give me so much potential. I have boundless energy, creativity, cognitive skills, during the manic phase, which is longer than the depressive.
The Nardil and NSI-189 can mask the depressive cycle, make it harder to realize I'm in it. HIIT + sublingual freebase NSI has an amazing effect.
Originally posted by Malice Oh, I nearly forgot RisiR, I was going to PM you this. It's extremely important/beneficial for weightlifting and running, a massive impact that few know about. I have a good amount of this arriving soon as well. Can't wait to see what it does when stacked with NSI and HIIT.
The effects of phosphatidylserine on endocrine response to moderate intensity exercise
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2503954/pdf/1550-2783-5-11.pdf
It was in this incredibly extensive post, which has more info about PS: https://www.reddit.com/r/Nootropics/comments/3nsni2/piracetam_i_just_cant_say_goodbye_but_probably/cwe769w/?st=j5wgao4q&sh=5038d357
Aside from that, here's what I'm getting from the dispensaries:
1/2 Swiss Sue (1.5% THC 14% CBD)
1g Wedding Cake shatter (pretty excited about trying it after a long break)
https://www.leafly.com/hybrid/wedding-cake
1g Platinum Bubba wax
https://www.leafly.com/indica/platinum-bubba-kush
1/4 Do-si-Dos
https://www.leafly.com/indica/do-si-dos
1/8 OG Kush
Mmm, mmm, mmm. Aww yeah, and I already made food, I can be lazy as fuck. This will be fun. Oh wait, no, damn, I'm going to have to wait until tomorrow night.
Didn't read -
2017-08-08 at 8:24 PM UTCHe should write a book already.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
-
2017-08-08 at 8:39 PM UTC
Originally posted by 霍比特人说中文不好 "Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it." -George Santayana
That was one of the quotes my dad beat in my head while growing up. He had some very good tidbit of wisdom to be feeding to a young child, I must say.
So, since you feel the need to engage with my mentions of what's going on in my life, you care to explain you highlighting the part where I mentioned "earlier today with PoC"? My comment was directed toward Captain Falcon, where he'd suggested, and insinuated I couldn't remember the last time someone made me feel loved. Moments before I'd posted that, I'd just got off the phone with a very dear friend, who had in fact made me feel very loved, appreciated, needed, wanted, and important. That was at, what? 4:30am? There abouts... PoC had done that for me as well that day, albeit earlier and in a different way since we're in a romantic relationship. I think Captain Falcon misinterprets my depression, suicidal ideation, and anxiety stemming from a place it does not... I'm not depressed because I don't have love or meaningful relationships in my life, or I am alone... although there's been times I have felt alone, but it's not the source or even been a large part of my depression or reasoning I've wanted to end my life. My depression stems from fear of hurting the people I love the most, of not being good enough, although I may be, or am to them. Years and years of being beaten down to the point it truly hurts and causes a great deal of struggle to feel I'm anything worth anything to anyone I give a fuck about... but I guess you don't understand that for having a perfectly functioning brain in every facet and not struggling with mental illness at all, so... it's not worth explaining anymore than that.
What's your point? -
2017-08-08 at 8:44 PM UTC
Originally posted by hydromorphone That was one of the quotes my dad beat in my head while growing up. He had some very good tidbit of wisdom to be feeding to a young child, I must say.
So, since you feel the need to engage with my mentions of what's going on in my life, you care to explain you highlighting the part where I mentioned "earlier today with PoC"? My comment was directed toward Captain Falcon, where he'd suggested, and insinuated I couldn't remember the last time someone made me feel loved. Moments before I'd posted that, I'd just got off the phone with a very dear friend, who had in fact made me feel very loved, appreciated, needed, wanted, and important. That was at, what? 4:30am? There abouts… PoC had done that for me as well that day, albeit earlier and in a different way since we're in a romantic relationship. I think Captain Falcon misinterprets my depression, suicidal ideation, and anxiety stemming from a place it does not… I'm not depressed because I don't have love or meaningful relationships in my life, or I am alone… although there's been times I have felt alone, but it's not the source or even been a large part of my depression or reasoning I've wanted to end my life. My depression stems from fear of hurting the people I love the most, of not being good enough, although I may be, or am to them. Years and years of being beaten down to the point it truly hurts and causes a great deal of struggle to feel I'm anything worth anything to anyone I give a fuck about… but I guess you don't understand that for having a perfectly functioning brain in every facet and not struggling with mental illness at all, so… it's not worth explaining anymore than that.
What's your point?
Didn't read -
2017-08-08 at 8:45 PM UTCI've been making origami animals in other news... who wants me to send them origami critters?
Malice, would you let me send you Origami critters? I would if I had an address to mail them to. It's been helping with my anxiety somewhat, as of late. Just started a few days ago. Picked up an unopened complete starter kit with a book for like 50cents at a yard sale in a ritzy part of town where I clean rentals. I've made a couple things... working on more with instuctions I've found on the internet now... working on making dragons. Might be something up your alley to give a shot with. I think you'd like it. -
2017-08-08 at 8:50 PM UTC
Originally posted by hydromorphone That was one of the quotes my dad beat in my head while growing up. He had some very good tidbit of wisdom to be feeding to a young child, I must say.
So, since you feel the need to engage with my mentions of what's going on in my life, you care to explain you highlighting the part where I mentioned "earlier today with PoC"? My comment was directed toward Captain Falcon, where he'd suggested, and insinuated I couldn't remember the last time someone made me feel loved. Moments before I'd posted that, I'd just got off the phone with a very dear friend, who had in fact made me feel very loved, appreciated, needed, wanted, and important. That was at, what? 4:30am? There abouts… PoC had done that for me as well that day, albeit earlier and in a different way since we're in a romantic relationship. I think Captain Falcon misinterprets my depression, suicidal ideation, and anxiety stemming from a place it does not… I'm not depressed because I don't have love or meaningful relationships in my life, or I am alone… although there's been times I have felt alone, but it's not the source or even been a large part of my depression or reasoning I've wanted to end my life. My depression stems from fear of hurting the people I love the most, of not being good enough, although I may be, or am to them. Years and years of being beaten down to the point it truly hurts and causes a great deal of struggle to feel I'm anything worth anything to anyone I give a fuck about… but I guess you don't understand that for having a perfectly functioning brain in every facet and not struggling with mental illness at all, so… it's not worth explaining anymore than that.
What's your point?
Originally posted by 霍比特人说中文不好 "Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it." -George Santayana
-
2017-08-08 at 9:14 PM UTC
Originally posted by LegalizeSpiritualDiscovery
The difference here is that I'm in a relationship with someone I've been good friend's with for a very long time, and someone who understands my problems, and issues, and has far more patience in dealing with me than most other people would, and helps and supports me through my shit.
I may be suicidal at times, but he's helped me deal with that better than most other people I've had in my life. Because I have mental issues, should I just resign myself to never being in a romantic relationship, especially because I've had some awful ones before, and others that had incompatibilities?
