An Idiot's Guide to Difficult First Time

2017-07-04 at 12:18 PM UTC

#1

benny vader YELLOW GHOST

So, your are now ready and about to do that eagerly anticipated first time, to reap the very seed that you have been hitherto sowing ....

but now, despite previously having consented to, agreed and/or asking for it, your partner is now having doubts and refusing and screaming and crying that you stop ???? Kicking and throwing even ???

Hi, I'm Doctor Ben and I'm here to help.

Sex for the first time can be scary, traumatic even if done wrong. The fear and pain is usually not physical, but rather psychological.

This is becos your penis, no mater how infinitesimal it is, looks BIG in the eyes of your partner. INTIMIDATING AND SCARY as well, being all blood and purple and veiny and all. This is becos they've never seen anything like this before.

It looks like a monster or a slimey alien creature and naturally, anybody would be afraid to let monster/alien go into them. And I'm pretty sure that we, both you and me wouldn't want a monster/alien going into us as well.

But worry not, as there are many simple solution to overcome this predicament of ours, and being a good and generous doctor that I'm,

I'll teach you how.

[1] Get some bright, funny colored condoms, like those that are bright, florescent green, yellow or blue. Condoms that are opaque would be added advantages.

[2] Get a fine tipped permanent marker if you don't already have it lying around in your house.

(sponsored content) Sharpies are bests!!! (/sponsored content).

[3] Now put on the condom, and wipe it clean and dry of all the lubes, you don't need them yet.

[4] Now draw a pair of big, cute round eyes, and a big smiley lip, nose and ears and even hairs if you want on your head(dome), anything to make it look fun and cute.
Watch some cartoons/anime to get inspired, and things like pokemon/angry birds etc etc.

[5] After you're satisfied with your art work, relube the condom and walla ! You're now ready.

Now what you have down there is not a scary looking monster or alien creature, a TOY, BRIGHTLY COLORED AND FUNN !!!!!

Make some story, play a game where a lost cute little snake/worm is looking for a home, crawl it all her body before slithering into her cave !!!

So now instead of being afraid and reluctant, your partner, be it a he or a she, will be looking forward to accommodate that highly anticipated cute, little snake/worm or whatever you call it, and FUNN ENSUES.

Stay tuned, same time, same place next week for more tips.

This is Dr.Ben.

2017-07-04 at 12:37 PM UTC

#2

Sophie Pedophile Tech Support

*Takes notes*

2017-07-04 at 4:15 PM UTC

#3

-SpectraL coward [the spuriously bluish-lilac bushman]

We have heeded your advice, Doctor, and have now progressed to the shadow puppet stage, but we are running out of story lines, plots and twists. Where do we go from here?

Signed;
Burt and Ernastine

2017-07-04 at 4:16 PM UTC

#4

mashlehash victim of incest [my perspicuously dependant flavourlessness]

gulps

2017-07-04 at 4:36 PM UTC

#5

infinityshock Black Hole

Originally posted by benny vader So, your are now ready and about to do that eagerly anticipated first time, to reap the very seed that you have been hitherto sowing ….

but now, despite previously having consented to, agreed and/or asking for it, your partner is now having doubts and refusing and screaming and crying that you stop ???? Kicking and throwing even ???

Hi, I'm Doctor Ben and I'm here to help.

Sex for the first time can be scary, traumatic even if done wrong. The fear and pain is usually not physical, but rather psychological.

This is becos your penis, no mater how infinitesimal it is, looks BIG in the eyes of your partner. INTIMIDATING AND SCARY as well, being all blood and purple and veiny and all. This is becos they've never seen anything like this before.

It looks like a monster or a slimey alien creature and naturally, anybody would be afraid to let monster/alien go into them. And I'm pretty sure that we, both you and me wouldn't want a monster/alien going into us as well.

But worry not, as there are many simple solution to overcome this predicament of ours, and being a good and generous doctor that I'm,

I'll teach you how.

[1] Get some bright, funny colored condoms, like those that are bright, florescent green, yellow or blue. Condoms that are opaque would be added advantages.

[2] Get a fine tipped permanent marker if you don't already have it lying around in your house.

(sponsored content) Sharpies are bests!!! (/sponsored content).

[3] Now put on the condom, and wipe it clean and dry of all the lubes, you don't need them yet.

[4] Now draw a pair of big, cute round eyes, and a big smiley lip, nose and ears and even hairs if you want on your head(dome), anything to make it look fun and cute.
Watch some cartoons/anime to get inspired, and things like pokemon/angry birds etc etc.

[5] After you're satisfied with your art work, relube the condom and walla ! You're now ready.

Now what you have down there is not a scary looking monster or alien creature, a TOY, BRIGHTLY COLORED AND FUNN !!!!!

Make some story, play a game where a lost cute little snake/worm is looking for a home, crawl it all her body before slithering into her cave !!!

So now instead of being afraid and reluctant, your partner, be it a he or a she, will be looking forward to accommodate that highly anticipated cute, little snake/worm or whatever you call it, and FUNN ENSUES.

Stay tuned, same time, same place next week for more tips.

This is Dr.Ben.

this entire waste of a post can be summed up more appropriately in the following statement:

if your interest in sex is for enjoyment and gratification DO NOT FUCK VIRGINS.

I have never been with a single virgin who's sexual ability or capability warrants the cost and effort in discovering that fact.

if your interest in sex is to be able to say 'hyuk hyuk...i'z dun popp'd such-and-such cherry. tee hee. I be duh studd' (best sploo-ese I can manage while sane) and fulfil some sort of deranged societal-induced stigma with virginity...have fun.

2017-07-04 at 4:42 PM UTC

#6

NARCassist gollums fat coach

just one thing tho. its not sex if you use one of those shitty condom things. its just mutual masturbation with a rubber bag.

.

2017-07-04 at 4:43 PM UTC

#7

NARCassist gollums fat coach

also, you know the german word for virgin? ..fitzniceantight.

.

2017-07-04 at 4:46 PM UTC

#8

-SpectraL coward [the spuriously bluish-lilac bushman]

Originally posted by NARCassist also, you know the german word for virgin? ..fitzniceantight.

.

That's also where the word, goezintight, comes from.

2017-07-04 at 4:58 PM UTC

#9

NARCassist gollums fat coach

Originally posted by -SpectraL That's also where the word, goezintight, comes from.

i'm pretty sure that's swedish. the swedes are basically just gay germans and the language is very similar and interchangeable.

.

2017-07-04 at 5:09 PM UTC

#10

Sophie Pedophile Tech Support

Originally posted by NARCassist also, you know the german word for virgin? ..fitzniceantight.

.

Actually i don't know what the German word for virgin is. You'd almost say Jungfrau but that translates to maiden. Or young girl. It does not imply virginity i think.

Also the joke of this thread is lost on you people.

2017-07-04 at 5:59 PM UTC

#11

benny vader YELLOW GHOST

Originally posted by Sophie Also the joke of this thread is lost on you people.

i'm not sure whether thats a good thing or a bad thing.

2017-07-04 at 9:50 PM UTC

#12

Sophie Pedophile Tech Support

Originally posted by benny vader i'm not sure whether thats a good thing or a bad thing.

It's a neutral thing. I don't judge.

2017-07-04 at 10:06 PM UTC

#13

NARCassist gollums fat coach

Originally posted by Sophie Also the joke of this thread is lost on you people.

i thought the joke was that he's talking about fucking a kid.

.

2017-07-04 at 10:12 PM UTC

#14

Sophie Pedophile Tech Support

Originally posted by NARCassist i thought the joke was that he's talking about fucking a kid.

.

2017-07-04 at 10:14 PM UTC

#15

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

IDk, it seems like it could be pretty fun to train a virgin depending on her personality, whether she's very open, interested in sex, and has the necessary sex drive.

2017-07-04 at 10:16 PM UTC

#16

NARCassist gollums fat coach

Originally posted by Malice IDk, it seems like it could be pretty fun to train a virgin depending on her personality, whether she's very open, interested in sex, and has the necessary sex drive.

wow, there is hope for you yet malice, you old dog you.

.

2017-07-04 at 10:18 PM UTC

#17

infinityshock Black Hole

Originally posted by Malice IDk, it seems like it could be pretty fun to train a virgin depending on her personality, whether she's very open, interested in sex, and has the necessary sex drive.

non virgins can be trained better because they're not so inhibited.

2017-07-04 at 10:20 PM UTC

#18

Malice Naturally Camouflaged

Give them an anxiolytic, even an aphrodisiac. GHB would be fantastic for this, I definitely want to try it one day.

2017-07-04 at 10:25 PM UTC

#19

Lanny Bird of Courage

just couldn't pass up head(dome)

The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!

Sophie

2017-07-05 at 12:06 AM UTC

#20

mmQ Lisa Turtle

"The Birthday Problem"

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An Idiot's Guide to Difficult First Time