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Eulogies for sale

  1. 2015-09-13 at 6:32 AM UTC
    #1
    Zanick motherfucker [my p.a. supernal goa]
    I'm a good writer, I can produce a meaningful eulogy which, if spoken confidently and by a skilled public speaker, will not likely fail to bring the chapel to tears. This is valuable to you, and I'll explain why: everybody has their time. Do you think your grandma, your grandpa, mom dad kids pets or whoever would want you to fight with quill and parchment to honor them? Of course not! They'd want you to be happy! The best way you can celebrate their life is by moving on, just leave the dirty work to me.

    All I ask is that you include with your payment a photograph of the deceased and at least two strong memories you have of them, as well as their faith and the location of the service. If it's for you, let me know which of your survivors you'd like me to coach and pay up front. Rates are negotiable, please PM me for details.
  2. 2015-09-14 at 3:45 PM UTC
    #2
    Zanick motherfucker [my p.a. supernal goa]
    Nobody? Really? I know this community, you all have people who are close to you. I must clarify: each eulogy will be personal and heartfelt, which is why I require some of your materials - I refuse to write them in advance. While my services are worth compensation I think to be competitive with other commissioned writing. I am always open to negotiation. Again, PM for any details.
    The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
  3. 2015-09-14 at 3:51 PM UTC
    #3
    Zanick motherfucker [my p.a. supernal goa]
    PAYMENT DETAILS:

    I accept PayPal, Bitcoin, Chase Quickpay, or a gift of reasonable value, if delivered promptly. I will not deal in cash, check or transfers as this is a sluggish form of payment, I'd rather have that time to dedicate to your memories of the deceased. Fuck Dogecoin, if you think that's acceptable you can enjoy a silent funeral.
  4. 2015-09-14 at 4:18 PM UTC
    #4
    mmQ Lisa Turtle
    Plz post one example of your works for reference. Example death is one Chim Richalds, born May 2nd 1984, died September 14th 2015, was eaten alive by crows and other animals after falling down a small cliff while hiking and rendering himself paralyzed. 2 fond memories are of the time he invited me over for Christmas (he was my friend), and the whole family ended up eating hallucinogenic mushrooms and trashing his Grandma's house where we were all at. The other memory is when we were teenagers and he got hit by a car, proceeding to go into a coma for 3 months before finally and suddenly awakening with a big smile on his face yelling 'SURPRISE!!!!!!" He was a renowned atheist. Location of the service is the Ortiz R G Funeral Home, 4425 Broadway, New York, New York.

  5. 2015-09-14 at 4:24 PM UTC
    #5
    Zanick motherfucker [my p.a. supernal goa]
    You might be mistaken, I'm not offering this service as entertainment or to demonstrate ability, but rather to relieve the survivor of this burden alone. While it is true that I compose the eulogy myself, I can't do so without a useful presentation from the bereaved. If you want me to write on your behalf, I need you to give me proper source material to draw from.

    Tell me more about your friend. What were his values? How did he care for his fellow man? Was he charitable? Tell me about an experience you had with him that will remind grieving family of his good heart.
  6. 2015-09-14 at 4:26 PM UTC
    #6
    Zanick motherfucker [my p.a. supernal goa]
    I might add that I recommend we conduct this discussion through the PM system, but if a public transaction is your preference I will respect that and reply accordingly.
  7. 2015-09-14 at 4:37 PM UTC
    #7
    mmQ Lisa Turtle
    What I'm saying, Zanick, is that if you wish to offer your services, a publically displayed example of your work would be appreciated, and a simple way to demonstrate your claimed skill and prowess in the eulogy writing department. I believe this is very standard for any type of freelance work and not out of line or question as it relates to selling yourself to us. Nobody wants to pay someone who has no references or examples of their ability to do what they claim to be able to do, hence the pretend scenario I gave you up there to which you could write a eulogy for the individual based on what I said, which is exactly the information that you requested in your OP. Thank you. You could PM this to me but why not put your example out there for public viewing so that you can cover 100 bases at once.
  8. 2015-09-16 at 6:40 PM UTC
    #8
    The Self Taught Man Black Hole
    I woke up this morning thinking damnn I wish someone could write me an eulogy. Thanks Zanick.
  9. 2022-08-24 at 11:04 PM UTC
    #9
    Steven African Astronaut
    Originally posted by mmQ What I'm saying, Zanick, is that if you wish to offer your services, a publically displayed example of your work would be appreciated, and a simple way to demonstrate your claimed skill and prowess in the eulogy writing department. I believe this is very standard for any type of freelance work and not out of line or question as it relates to selling yourself to us. Nobody wants to pay someone who has no references or examples of their ability to do what they claim to be able to do, hence the pretend scenario I gave you up there to which you could write a eulogy for the individual based on what I said, which is exactly the information that you requested in your OP. Thank you. You could PM this to me but why not put your example out there for public viewing so that you can cover 100 bases at once.

    It is surprisingly easy to get freelance writing jobs without a portfolio.
  10. 2022-08-25 at 1:42 AM UTC
    #10
    Haxxor Space Nigga
    If we pay you for a eulogy for Wariat can it come with a snuff film?
    Plenty of articles detailing his activities have been posted here.
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