When I first set out I was actually on buying more alcohol and prolonging things, but somewhere along the path I was finally pushed over the edge.
What spurred me was the serious risk of epilepsy due to having been self-medicating alcohol anxiety that had become so severe I was drinking a liter of brandy and about 3 liters of wine a day. (IIIRC Debonaire_Death drank himself to the point where he developed cirrhosis and still has to spend a lot of time dealing with. Poor Guacamole, MisterY's partner and friend in Ceretropic, ended up dying because he mixed benzos and alcohol, and I wonder if the insomnia to that degree was from anxious he was, willing to risk death just to get some sleep, was he so tormented by his thoughts to the extent that they led to this. Essentially hitting rock bottom. I knew when I walked in I was going to tell them about my other severe issues.
Suicidal depression, hikikomori and going into detail, unmanaged symptoms of autism, various things that had happened in life, having been undiagnosed with a severe case of Asperger's at 19 (I fell through the cracks, it was glaringly apparent, but it didn't happen and I suppose looking at things from this perspective, the lashing out I engaged in was clearly because of it), and how that ended up being one of the most damaging things in my life, I never received anything for it even after the diagnosis, having had no friends in 14 years due to what's now practically PTSD, the poor family to the point where my neglectful parent only stayed together out of a sense of obligation, having been seriously considering divorce during at least on period, I pretty much lost my parents when I was 13 and literally don't have any family at this point that I can fall back on, explaining how severe my depression and anxiety had essentially gotten to the point where I was just locked, the final days were just being spent in bed doing absolutely nothing etc
It was actually what I needed, and I wasn't involuntarily committed or in a psychward, although I did state that I would have been okay with hospitalization. A guard did have to be in sight of me, but that merely entails them being in line site sitting casually, usually just playing on their phone, doing paperwork. They gave me Ativan and phenobarbital via IV along with bags of saline for hydration, and was hooked to an ECG as well.
It reminds of the anime Welcome to the NHK. Once you actually break out it's so obvious that everything was in your head, and now you're completely alone in the world and will have to grapple with these issues for the rest of your life.
Oh god, my life is so fucking sad. I just want to go to bed to continue breaking down crying and I don't even have a cat to give me some semblance of company. For about the past three years the only person who's pretty much ever contacted my had been my landlord, I've literally never spoken to anyone so I sure as hell don't have anyone now.
At least things may finally be changing. Unfortunately I had to hit rock bottom and will have to rebuild my and my life from such a fucked position to be in.
Post last edited by Malice at 2017-05-02T09:43:57.899087+00:00
