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2020-04-16 at 2:04 AM UTCOk i guess short fake stories better than no stories. Creative writing time.
started buying dope when i was 18.
When i was 19 i started selling guns.
The first plug was this old mexican dude named tony in a big maroon cadillac with a gold front tooth. At one point he said he could get me some cuetes so i rolled to venice one night. He and his wife ran a fruit stand at the corner. I pulled up and got out and handed him $400, and he and his wife loaded a box of oranges into my trunk. Got home, popped open the cardboard compartment. Long story short one was a little beretta tomcat or something. Id never had to use a gun then, so i really just looked at itand saw if i5 looked okay. Apparently some custies were the same bc i started selling to these anorth Hollywood dudes from Armenian Power. One dude met me in the parking lot at Blockbuster. $450 for the beretta. Get a call a couple days later like “hey homie this shit dont work fool”. Im just like “idk it worked when i had it man”. Id already spent all the $ on H so no takesy backsies. Hes like “You gonna gimme my money fool or imma find you n we gonna have a problem”. I just texted back “Yeah man i wouldnt want to catch slugs from ur broken gun LOL” and blocked him.
Anoher dude said he wanted a lil .38 super (i dont know why....everyone always has some explicit random shit that they want that they saw in a movie.) Told him i didnt have anything like that, but i could give him a deal on what i had if he really needed a piece. He agreed. I dont know why i didnt just bring it in a shoebox or something. I wasnt very smart. But after Walking the 3 blocks away like John Wayne, i hopped into the car full of mexicans and pulled the gun from my waistband. Pull this out /
Single action 44 magnum Ruger Blackhawk. The mexicans all start cracking up. Theyre obviously stoned as shit, crying laughing. “ESTA EL WILD BILL ESE GUERO JAJAJAAAA”. or something to that effect. The buyer is asking that hes supposed to do some something the size of his forearm. I channel every movie arms dealer ive ever watched and i tell him it can punch through polar bear skull, etc etc. $700
That was pretty much it but the reaction was pretty righteous. Like a comedy shit. CHINGADA WILD BILL AY? JOO A COWBOI MY FREN?The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-04-16 at 11:33 AM UTCSo one time I decided I can't fucking deal with OMGPLZUNBAN because I have lots of stressful shit going on, and he's too stupid to not piss me off. Figured I'd take a break from the guy, but wish him the best from a distance.
Fast forward to a couple weeks ago during the height of this pandemic scare, and I hear OMG's super depressed and shit. Told some girl I've been sleeping around with the situation to get her thoughts on it, and she told me to call him and try to cheer him up because even though I'm butthurt, I obviously care about him. Solid advice, I guess, if you don't understand how absolute degenerate pieces of shit my friends are.
I call up OMG, he's shocked and overjoyed. We shoot the shit for a while while we're both shitfaced, and I let slip how much I hate my cats. I'm drunk enough to be claiming I'm probably going to murder one of them, and OMG is taken aback. He tells me he'll take one off my hands before he lets me do that. I think "hell yeah, gonna get rid of this cat that I was too pussy to ever follow through with getting rid of!" Called him back the next day, and he confirmed he was still down to take it.
Called the girl, and told her about how I need to plan a road trip to visit him now. She offers to bankroll the trip. So just like that, in the middle of a worldwide emergency, I'm roadtripping through five states to deliver a cat to some drunk and lonely asshole. The morning I'm about to start driving, OMG texts me and tells me to invite the girl, too. I figure she'll just shoot me down, because she's pretty sensitive to loud assholes and is VERY politically correct. I warn her that she'll probably get offended if she shows up. She says she's well aware of OMG's stupidity and can handle it. Neither of us took into account how OMG has changed in the post-Trump era, or we just assumed he'd put a fucking lid on it as a courtesy.
The trip took almost 20 hours of high speed driving with a cat screaming in the back of the car, and when we show up, OMG is TRASHED. Looks like he hadn't slept in days, but he's super excited to see us. He's pretty well behaved for the most part, and the instances of alarming dangerousness were attributed to him just being drunk. We hang out a few hours, then eventually me and the girl get hit with the driving fatigue. We tell OMG we're going to bed, he hooks us up with blankets, and then goes to his room. Ten fucking minutes later, he storms into the living room and just shouts something to the effect "I fucking HATE niggers!"
I don't even open my eyes and can see this shit is going downhill quick. I tell him "Go to bed, bro, you don't know what you're doing."
Then he just keeps asking us antisemetic jokes waiting for us to answer, getting frustrated that we just keep telling him to go to bed, and then giving us the punchlines. Eventually the girl yells at him to shut the fuck up and go to bed, and he gets butthurt and leaves the room. Once all was quiet, the girl says "I don't feel safe here" and I am just like fuuuuuuck.
I talk her into spending time with OMG the next day, but she can't be convinced to stay another night.
Next morning, I'm half asleep, and she rolls over to face me. I kiss her forehead, and she half asleep says "stop kissing me faggot." We both get startled awake by OMG hovering the fuck over us and laughing his ass off. We just stare at him in horror as he's killing a beer. I check the time, and we literally only slept 2 hours, and here that magnificent bastard is, wide awake, cackling at us and appearing for all intents and purposes to have been watching us sleep. The girl and I are both very alarmed, and without words, agree this is fucking sketchy.
Things happen, we buy breakfast, and the girl is brushing her teeth. OMG and I are in the living room, and he asks me if I want to stay a few more nights. I tell him "dude, we were PLANNING on that, and I'm pretty sure you fucked it all up with that racist shit last night. Maybe kiss girl's ass, and we can work on convincing her it's still cool to do that."
OMG looks at me like he understands, chugs some beer, and then yells in the direction of the bathroom "I'M SORRY YOU DON'T THINK MAKING FUN OF NIGGERS AND jediS IS FUNNY! I'D MAKE FUN OF WHITE PEOPLE, BUT THERE'S JUST NO GOOD JOKES ABOUT THEM!"
And at that moment I knew the girl and I would be leaving as soon as possible.
I've told OMG this story like 3 times already, but he keeps asking me why we didn't stay longer. Now that it's typed out, maybe he'll remember. I didn't even hit on all the horrifying shit he did, just the stuff that ensured he'd piss off the girl he invited over (and also paid for the whole trip). I love the guy, but he's a goddamn monster.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-04-16 at 12:30 PM UTCI hope this is realThe following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
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2020-04-16 at 3 PM UTCi couldve sworn i spoke with poast and OMG on the phone a couple times, and the first time he was legit afraid his ol lady would hear us discussing the turner diaries so i find this DUBIOUS at best.
If it is true though, i think its safe to say you can blame Poast for everything.
#fakenewsThe following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-04-16 at 5:43 PM UTC
Originally posted by MexicanMasterRace I hope this is real
They showed up at 1 in the morning. I was already trashed when they showed up and I kept drinking. I do not remember getting out of bed to yell racist shit. Talking to Poast too much I suppose. I must've been black out going for shock value.
I woke up and my computer is on my coffee table. There's nothing to do in my room so I was on my couch surfing the webs quietly. Then I heard the faggot line and thought it was funny so I laughed. This isn't the first time I've been accused of watching people. Had a buddy living on a futon in my old apartment. He had a girlfriend. Late one night I had to go to the bathroom. The bathroom door is right across from my door. I hear sounds in the itch black living room and I can tell they're having sex. I go piss and go back to my room.
Later the guy told me she thought I was in the hallway watching. Disgusting.
And before WifeDead left he placed a bunch of jokers cards everywhere. I'm still finding them every once in a while. I ended up texting the girl and apologizing. She accepted it. Took to much, took to much.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-04-16 at 5:46 PM UTCYou see how far we can come if we work together?
Pages 48 bitches in the longest thread ever! Once Guinness truly recognizes its greatness, there will be a foot note of how Casper started page 48. -
2020-04-16 at 6:16 PM UTCI was 18. I was gonna take a grey hound back to Montana. A grueling three day bus ride. So I decided to get decked out. Went to the second hand suit/dress shop and told them I wanted to be decked out in a white tux. They pull one out and say this one's good but the tails are pretty long. They hung to my knees. It was perfect. They got me white gloves and white dress shoes and said they could get a white top hat from his dads store for $20. Come by in the morning to pick it up.
It's me, Poast and his girlfriend who liked being choked with a stump hand. After some delays the guy shows up in a shitty van and gives over the suit. I think I just threw it on immediately and the guy would drive us to his dads store to grab the hat. This was back in our whip it days. Poast and his girl are blatantly doing whip it in the back seat and I'm riding shot gun chatting with the dude.
Pick up the hat and guy drives us back and fucks off. So we needed to go to the bank to take out all my money. $314 or something. Poast jokes that I want it all in ones. Sounds funny to me.I take one of the stacks of hundreds and put it in my front pocket and we start walking to the mall. A buddy sees us and pulls over and gives us a ride the rest of the way. When I got out of the car that stack in my pocket must've fallen out because next time I looked, it was gone.
We were running wild. Doing whip its, talking shit probably. I got a picture of me sitting on Santas lap. My mom might still have that one. I can't remember if it was this time or a different time but we're doing whip its behind the mall. Then we're walking back in from the back halls and security grabs the kid wearing my back pack. I made him wear it so I didn't look retarded. WE wait around and find him. They just took all the whip its but left my cracker. Huh.
It was a long time ago so I'm sure I forgot a bunch of smaller stories of that day. I was a spectacle on the greyhound and in greyhound stations. People would ask why was I looking like the flyest mother fucker since '84? I'd respond with, "I got left at the altar." or, "My dog died." or something stupid. I showed up to my parents around 11 and my dad wakes up. Gives me a hug after looking me up and down and thinking what an idiot. I didn't even call in advance to let them know I was coming. It worked out though. They were moving and could use the help. However, if I had showed up a week later they wouldn't have been there. I would've been stuck, in the middle of winter in Montana with no way to contact anyone. Would've been funny showing up at the shelter in a baller tux though.
Unrelated one time I was being a dousche in the mall. I did something and a fat security guard tells me to some here. I say no. He get more forceful, "I said come here!" This guy was fat as fuck. I respond, "Why you can't catch me." And slowly jogged away.
One time an old man flipped me off. I forget what I did but it must've been a pretty assholish thing for this guy to waste his last fuck on me.
One time, 4th of July, me and my buddies had been drinking and riding our bikes through the crowd. This girl steps out of no where and I slam into her. WE both go down and this girls grand dad is in my face screaming, "FUCK YOU YOU PIECE OF SHIT! FUCK YOU!" The cop that showed up was the cop from our high school who was a really cool dude. Poast and I would talk to him after school waiting for our bus. I asked him a Ween lyric once. "Why do the ones you hold so close can make you cry?" And he gets all deep. "Well, I feel like if you love someone you have to open yourself to your vulnerability and it doesn't always pan out." Or some gay shit. It wasn't very funny. Any ways, when I went to pick up my bike my breaks were undone. Pretty sure that cop got me off.
That's enough for now. I got stories for days.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-04-16 at 8:16 PM UTC
Originally posted by MexicanMasterRace I hope this is real
If you ever met OMG, you wouldn't doubt any aspect of the story. You might be surprised, sure, but not doubtful. He says he was on his best behavior, and I'd totally support that claim--but he has a tremendous capacity for not being able to read a situation, and he was drinking hard as fuck.
Originally posted by CASPER i couldve sworn i spoke with poast and OMG on the phone a couple times, and the first time he was legit afraid his ol lady would hear us discussing the turner diaries so i find this DUBIOUS at best.
Whether or not OMG is actually racist (which I don't think he is) isn't really the moral of the story. It's that he has no self awareness to understand how he's being perceived.
This was technically the first time any of his old Humboldt friends came to visit him since he left the state and he was pretty overwhelmed with excitement. I'm pretty sure he was doing the jokes for shock value, he has a generally solid excuse as to why he was so close to us while we were sleeping, and I think he was 100% sincere and thought he was giving a good apology the next day.
It's less funny if I admit he wasn't trying to be an asshole and is just a misunderstood idiot, though.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-04-16 at 8:35 PM UTCHe sounds retarded lolThe following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
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2020-04-16 at 8:35 PM UTC
If you ever met OMG, you wouldn't doubt any aspect of the story. You might be surprised, sure, but not doubtful. He says he was on his best behavior, and I'd totally support that claim–but he has a tremendous capacity for not being able to read a situation, and he was drinking hard as fuck.
Mostly I'm in bed by 10 or 11. I got drunk as fuck that night. I can't remember the last time I blacked out before that night. I vaguely remember them saying they were going to sleep and walking towards my room and that's it. Walking out claiming I hate niggers sounds like a bold statement from a wild desperate man with nothing to lose. It's not even funny. I'm pretty embarrassed.
I had probably been drinking for almost nine hours by the end. Jesus Murphy.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-04-16 at 8:37 PM UTCI also don't know what the Turner Diaries are. Poast and him were probably rattling off and I zoned out doing something else because I don't care.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
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2020-04-16 at 8:41 PM UTCI think it's funny I'm trying to defend myself of being racist on a forum called niggas in space.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire!
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2020-04-16 at 8:55 PM UTCI think you need a leash nigga
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2020-04-16 at 9:28 PM UTC
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2020-04-16 at 9:52 PM UTC
Originally posted by OMGPLZUNBAN I also don't know what the Turner Diaries are. Poast and him were probably rattling off and I zoned out doing something else because I don't care.
You were paranoid about being put on a watchlist for discussing radical white nationalist literature. Also poast was drunk asking you if you thought you were free of the zionist conspiracy and like have YOU ever seen a jedi corpse and you were like OMG SHUT UP DUDE IMMA HANG UP cuz ur lady was in the same room or something. Idk. It was amusing,The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-04-16 at 9:53 PM UTCalso
The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-04-16 at 10:20 PM UTC
Originally posted by CASPER You were paranoid about being put on a watchlist for discussing radical white nationalist literature. Also poast was drunk asking you if you thought you were free of the zionist conspiracy and like have YOU ever seen a jedi corpse and you were like OMG SHUT UP DUDE IMMA HANG UP cuz ur lady was in the same room or something. Idk. It was amusing,
Poast and I joke about that all the time. Talk about some thing completely off limits and when some one starts going to far claim we're definitely on a watch list now. Pulp Fiction, "Are you on a cell phone? I don't know you! Prank caller! Prank caller!"
Poast was always giving me shit about cucking out. I was probably just make jokes that didn't land with you.The following users say it would be alright if the author of this post didn't die in a fire! -
2020-04-16 at 10:23 PM UTC
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2020-04-16 at 11:16 PM UTCWho wants to see my ballsack
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2020-04-17 at 1:31 AM UTC
Originally posted by MexicanMasterRace Who wants to see my ballsack
Everyone.
Anyways, I'm slowly pushing the boudaries to see where that cat forum draws the line.
https://thecatsite.com/threads/so-my-kitty-loves-to-sit-in-my-lap.412732/
Let's see how PC they are.
