2019-01-27 at 11:28 PM UTC
in
Update on my life
So... I took all ur guys advice and got off the medication I was taking but didn't need and came clean to everyone about the truth and they reacted like I expected. My doctor flipped out and reported me so now I owe all the money they gave me. My mom slapped me and kicked me out in November and I've been homeless since then. My phone got stolen out of my Pocket when I was sleeping on a bench and I spent Christmas hiding in the family barn with my horses.. the only friends I have left. I'm making this post in the library but I've been here for 5 hours because it's cold outside and I think they want to kick me out. Should I go to my mom and apologize or try to find something else? I'm hoping some prince charming in shining armor will come and save me so I always walk around and smile at people but so far nobody has asked me out or offered to sweep me off my feet and treat me like a princess.. are there really no gentlemen left in this world that see a lonely woman sleeping in the cold and don't want to help her? Were all those story book fantasies lies because it sure feels like it. I have always believed it was a man's job to look after me (a woman) and give us children and bring home the bacon while I cook it and ride my horses.. I guess that's too much to ask..
Update : I've been crying my eyes out all night, got paid at the start of the month and snuck out to get liquor. I spent it all on booze now having no money is another lie on the pile.
How the hell did a drink a 40 of vodka every day? This is getting ridiculous
What does this have to do with any of MY problems?. You are all just posting funny memes hahaha laugh it up because while your all out enjoying life I've been here, stuck feeding the horses and going on Facebook all day.
I looked through all the profiles of all those happy times when I was getting out of the house and working, spending time with my bf and the animals and we even had plans for a baby. Now he is parading his new girlfriend around town and taking lots of pictures with her I'm sure just to make me feel worse.
How can people just destroy a person then simply move on and forget and treat them like they don't even exist. I went in to town with my mom today to go grocery shopping and today it really hit me hard, I used to say hello to people when I would go out but today those same people just looked at me and kept walking. Did they forget me? Or are they just not wasting their time, why say hello to someone you never see?.
I told my mom and doctor I want to start going out more and become independent and learn to live on my own again but my mom says Ive never lived alone (not true, when I was with Jeremy I was paying the bills, cooking cleaning while he just drank his beers and watched UFC with his friends) and I can't survive on my own with a mental illness.
See! If I even bring up the IDEA of escaping this hell they just pull me right back in and convince me the best thing to do is to go home and stay on the property and only come to town when it's important. Then a few days go by and I realize I have no life I'm missing out on life and there's nothing I can do about it.
I can't even go for walks off the property anymore or my parents flip out and think I'm gonna run off and go kill myself so I will be walking around quiet at night and my mom pulls up in a truck crying because she thought I was running away.
I just don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes I think about hanging myself in the barn where my horses are because nobody would find my body if I did it in my room they would just think I was depressed and sleeping.
So this all started when I got cheated on a few years ago and it made me very depressed so I stopped going out and gained a lot of weight. I had to take medical leave for my anxiety and depression issues and somewhere in that mess of self pity I convinced myself I had agoraphobia because I would get physically sick at the thought of trying to date again.
I was doing cognitive behavioral therapy for a year and taking medication but I was so hurt by the relationship I never actually tried to improve myself, I just wanted to not have to work again or ever leave the house and eventually it worked I was getting money from the government every month and working on my condition.
But to make it believable I had agoraphobia I had to stop going to town and my family would do all my shopping for me and I only went Into town for doctor appointments. They would ask me how much anxiety I felt coming in today, etc. Truth is I wasn't anxious at all, I was faking it because I still couldn't face reality.
That was years ago, now if I were to walk into town and any of my family or friends saw me they would probably freak out and think I snapped or went crazy. I got over the relationship a while ago but I have trapped myself in this lifestyle of sitting around and going on Facebook all day
How do I get out of this situation? How do I just "fake" a cured agoraphobia? It makes no sense. I feel like I'm gonna get caught and have to pay back all this money they gave me if they find out none of it was real.
I would just kill myself if they made me pay it all back! I don't know what to do! I RUINED my life for no reason! It's all HIS fault!.
